Gulit trip to the max....

Thank god I'm going on vacation tomorrow, but I just had to post this to get any opinions/advice I could from you all before I flew the coop....
This is a someone who I kind of like, but really disapprove of how she's raising her child to be a mouth breathing video junky. She does not refer to her child as (the boy), though that would be funny, it is my change. Anyway, I got this note from her, and I'm kind of getting the..."We do all this work for you ungrateful person, and while you don't HAVE to come, we did do all this work..." sort of vibe. My comments/further information are in brackets.

So it's that time of the year again, when we are once again, planning a birthday celebration for (the boy). I had thought we'd skip this year given my "condition," but this is the first year that (the boy) is really asking to have a party, so I feel like we should go for it!
[Her condition? She's due to give birth a week after the party. Why is the boy asking for it? Because they've done it every year for the past 3 years without his asking]


I wanted to send you a note to let you know that you are very much invited to come to his birthday party and we'd love to have you. With that said, I have to let you know that I unfortunately happened to read your blog at some point last year in which you made some less than positive remarks about both your invitation to and attendance of (the boy's) birthday party last year. Naturally, I was pretty bothered by it and had thought about saying something to you about it, but realized there wasn't much to say - you're certainly entitled to your feelings and to express those feelings however you want to in a public forum. It was hurtful though to read your thoughts about my invitation to you to (the boy's) party and to see that you came, not so much because you wanted to be there, but more so out of an obligation.
[I do appreciate her not getting all bent out of shape over my commentary on the worst parts of the party, but seriously? Of course I came out of obligation and not because I really wanted to be there. Everyone knows I don't like children's parties...BUT ALL of our mutual friends went, as well as DH, so wouldn't it have seemed odd/rude that I would have been the only one to NOT show up?]


We have these parties for (the boy) because for us, it truly is a celebration of the life of a human being that has brought us so much joy - a lot of stress and challenges too, but all of which are outweighed by the incredible amount of happiness that he brings to us every day. These parties are quite a bit of work for us (and this year, will take extra effort on my part as I'm due 10 days after) but we feel ilt all worth it. We see these parties as a means to celebrate his life with friends and family and we hope that those who come, share this sentiment to some degree or another.
[It's awesome that she goes all out to try to make a fun party for adults and children, but the fact remains she is CHOOSING to do it because she can't say no. You don't have to invite everyone you know to a party for a 4 year old, and certainly, as she had read on my blog, I would not be offended if she didn't go out of her way to invite me, especially this far out of her way]

So, please feel welcome to come to (the boy's) party, but I am hoping that if you do decide to come, it is not because you feel like you have to. Please come because you want to. And conversely, if the mere thought of being at a gathering where there will be other kids (maybe crying, maybe running around and doing annoying kid-things) just isn't your thing, I certainly don't hold that against you and would completely understand if you decided to decline the invitation altogether. Just because I have a kid doesn't mean I like them all the time.
[It's isn't that the mere thought, it's the needle like pain in my eye that develops after a certain amount of time with shrieking children that isn't my thing.]



So, what do I do? Do I go, or not? ALL the mutual friends & DH will be going again, so my absence will be noted, and I'm sure I'll be titled with the "crabby child hater" crown. I have no viable excuse to get me out of it legitimately.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

LOL. Did you know the capatcha I just had to type in was DHUdy? lol.

It's a tough one there, Feh. I don't have breederiffic friends like this so it's hard to say.

What I'm going to suggest may be totally out of line here, but here goes anyways:

I would write back and ask her as politely as possible if she could explain why children nowadays can't be made to sit still and behave themselves and that when you were a child, children were seen and not heard. You'd love to come to the gathering, but you are having a difficult time understanding why childrearing is so different nowadays. You'd love to be around children that are well mannered and behaved.

If you feel obligated to please the breeder for reasons not stated here, or otherwise are already stated here, then go and bring a pair of 33db rated earplugs with you and when the child noise gets to much, put them in.

I feel the same way you do about the ridiculously large parties that parents throw for their kids nowadays. For some reason these parties are always placed right in the middle of the day so you can't plan anything else. I find them boring and painful.

You don't say whether this person is a relative but it mostly sounds like she is not. Is there some reason why your DH absolutely has to go? If so, that really does put you in a bad position. If this is the case, I would feel obligated to go and but would resent every minute. I know it's easy to say 'just don't go' but when your DH and friends/family are involved that's not such an easy choice. So I guess weighing the fallout if you were to decide not to go may be the answer. Would the result of not going be worth it? I feel for you. Not an easy choice.

I would just go and totally blow off her needy, poorly-written note. Don't give it a second thought. I'd have a great time with everybody there and pay little attention to her or the brats. Just see the note as what she intended it as: a needy, hormonal, guilt trip. Don't give it too much attention or it will seem like you HAVE to answer to her.

If she asks if you got the note, I'd sweetly, but with sort of a confused hint to your voice, reply something to the effect of, "Yea, I read it (chuckle) and it kinda caught me off guard so I glanced over most of it and never really did have time to read it again. Was there a problem?"

Have a great time on vacation!

For those who are curious,

She is not a relation. She is the wife of DH's band mate. I am like a third tier friend, more of an acquaintance. However I'm married to a first tier friend. If I had any tolerance for children or poker, which they get together and play a few times a year, I'd probably be higher on the ladder. DH has to go because the band is playing at the party, maybe. He'd go even if the band wasn't playing for the above reason, and doesn't mind children.

It is a children's party with mostly adults in attendance, parents of children, and childfree/less friends. The food will be awesome, and totally home made. Seriously, if there are chicken "fingers" they will be organic chicken breast, hand breaded by the hostess using the finest milled flour. There will be plenty of adult drinks.

It is easier to go than to be crowned "Crabby McChildhater" for being the only one to NOT go. Aside from this odd email entreating me to attend "not out of obligation, but actual desire to", I'm hoping my only complaint will be when the joyous shrieks of children reach the "needle in my eye" pitch, or when the "you just got married" type bingo's reach critical mass. That said, I believe I can be as blunt/rude as I want to any strangers who bingo me at the party, which could provide some satisfaction. I could always arrange a friend with an 'emergency' to call my cell...or just set the alarm with my ringer.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Can't you send some kind of tactful response saying there's a conflict? I mean, it's going to be weird being there when she read what you had to say, although she does seem to be trying to ne diplomatic.....I wouldn't go.

Brat party = gift grab.

Any invitations that I ever receive to these disgusting blackmail attempts are turned down.

Say you have your period and have cramps all over (I forget if you have the equipment for that, but wth).

Regarding something else that was said, and not to sound like a milque-toast breeder-pleaser, but... The "children should be seen and not heard" thing may be suspended during a KIDS' PARTY, for cryin' out loud (literally), whatever one might think of them.

DrDanCorelli Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Brat party = gift grab.
>
> Any invitations that I ever receive to these
> disgusting blackmail attempts are turned down.


ditto. Just avoided one of those myself.

Feh: If your husband goes, unless you have a *viable* excuse, I think you should go. Now, that being said, if your husband DOESN'T play, why don't y'all set a reasonable time frame by which you both agree, to stay at the gift-grab. Say, 1 hour; or whatever you both can tolerate. I fucking HATE kids parties, but if my husband insisted on going to one, I would set limits and boundaries because like your husband, mine isn't so annoyed by the mere presence of kids like I am.

I think if you didn't go, you'd be bothered by your feelings. I know I would be. Let's face it, sometimes we have to do things we really don't want to do. Oh, and I always go to the dollar store and buy the shitiest 2 dollar gift I can. I mean, if it's not some fucking 'hundred dollar gaming gift, it's just going to get trashed anyways.

Your post reminds me of some friends of ours. They, too have a boy, an only child. Their world revolves around him. We have been expected to attend ALL his birthday parties, his bar mitzvah, and quite a number of his soccer games. When he graduates high school, I'm sure we will be expected to attend that also.

My ONLY problem with this is that they don't reciprocate. If we invite them to something, they think nothing of turning it down, or worse don't bother to RSVP. Its become glaringly obvious that they don't care about us; they only care about us paying homage to their child on his special occasions. Also, I don't see the point of doing all this for a kid that is not even a family member. If he were my nephew, I'd feel differently. I do care about my nieces and nephews, but I have no strong feelings for children I'm not related to.

I think the absolute BEST GIFT for kids that are into all that gaming stuff, is to buy them a book. Preferably a classic novel, such as "Tom Sawyer". The look on their face when they unwrap it is PRICELESS.

I have an evil boy cousin that my aunt popped out when she was 45. The lil' darling is 14 and really into gaming. He's also hyper as all get out. My aunt insists that all of the relatives do gift exchange with him at Christmas, even though all of us cousins are like 20+ years older than him. She also has always suggested different expensive video games for him. I've always ignored her suggestions and bought him books. A favorite of mine was a world atlas (all young boys love them!). This past year I got him several balsa wood models, knowing that he's too damned hyper to read directions to put them together. I hate that kid.

bratBgone Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A favorite of
> mine was a world atlas (all young boys love
> them!). This past year I got him several balsa
> wood models, knowing that he's too damned hyper to
> read directions to put them together. I hate that
> kid.

Good for you. How dare his mom suggest that you buy him expensive games.

bratBgone Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This past year I got him several balsa
> wood models, knowing that he's too damned hyper to
> read directions to put them together. I hate that
> kid.

HA! That's great.

To the OP, the situation sucks, no doubt about that. It sounds like your are between a rock and a hard place: go and endure the gift grab, or don't go and be forever labeled a child hating beeotch. I would probably end up going, but I would do two things. 1) I would go for as short a time as possible, claiming it's because another obligation came up. 2) I would hit up the dollar store on the way to the party for my gift. Husband and I have totally done that one already.

Actually you DO have a valid excuse. You don't like being around shrieking, whining, annoying brats! You do not owe this woman an explanation. SHE wants half the world to celebrate her brat's birthdy. It might just be a revelation and a lesson for her that the whole world doesn't necessarily love Bratleigh.

Feh, Dont go, and dont feel guilty about being called names by the others, SO WHAT!! run your own life, fuck that cunt!!

You run your life and you cant control what others think, dont live your life for what others may or may not think of you, lifes way to short, in 5 yrs you wont even remember this cunt or this event and either will she.

This is true, but a gift of books is always good. Not only are they inexpensive, the gift of books sends several messages:

1. "your child could be intelligent, just get him/her to read"
2. "books are far better than video games"
3. "here's a book that may spark some creativity in your child"

And my favorite: books seem to piss a lot of parents off. Not sure why, exactly. I've given a few books over the years and they are never well-received with the parents. They smile and act all grateful and nice but the smile quickly fades as they toss the book in the "unfavorite gift" pile, and they end up as irritating clutter that the parent doesn't want laying around. Face it, kids never read anymore.

Oh, and you should DEFINITELY go - go and pull an annie35 - remember, living well is the best revenge!

And my favorite: books seem to piss a lot of parents off. Not sure why, exactly. I've given a few books over the years and they are never well-received with the parents"


That's a real shame... Books were my favourite gift as a kid. I got Chronicles of Narnia from my uncle and thanked him for the book every time I saw him for years afterwards. It was a big favourite. Everyone gave me books and I loved them! My best Christmas gift was the Lord of the Rings...

Let's hope Harry Potter reverses the trend...

When I was a kid, I LOVED to read. I read Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, all the Little House on the Prairie books. I was happy to get books as presents.

LoveToLurk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> bratBgone Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> I would hit up the dollar store on the
> way to the party for my gift. Husband and I have
> totally done that one already.


The Dollar Store is my favorite gift-buying place, for people who put too much emphasis on presents. I have one lady friend who, every year after her birthday, would tell me who gave her what for her birthday, who gave the her the best gift, and gave her the worst gift. This is an adult! Believe it or not! Very silly and childish about her birthday presents. So last year, I found this very cute mug at Dollar Store and wrapped it up, and gave it to her. I liked it so much I even bought one for myself. Well, she had this "blah" look on her face when she opened it.
Besides, I buy my own stuff at Dollar Store, if its good enough for me, its good enough for my friends. I love shopping at Dollar stores.

Well if it was me, I would politely tell them I have a prior engagement, I wouldn't go into any more details then that. I think you should do what makes you happy, not what will please someone else.

MerlynHerne Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Actually you DO have a valid excuse. You don't
> like being around shrieking, whining, annoying
> brats! You do not owe this woman an explanation.

Absolutely! Life is too darn short to spend it pleasing others, especially someone as annoying as this one. So what if they label you a child hating beatch? That's their problem, not yours.

Since hubby is going, it does put you in a spot.

I feel her note was polite but still rather unnecessary.

Can't you plan something totally cool do to and your hubby can just give them your regards and say you were at ____________________and couldn't come? After that, who cares what they think?

Then, you can go to the spa,movies, whatever, and enjoy yourself.

I don't have a blog, but I would never tell my friends the website if I did, I would be afraid of what actually happened here. Too much drama over something that is suppose to be an innermost thought. Change your web addy and keep the blog a secret from people like this.

good luck with any decision you make.

Hey, I have the best idea for books to give these kyds...
Ellen Pecks 'the baby trap' or another similar book..


hahahha, watch the parents face on that one...

(ain't I a stinker??)

I think you can politely decline.

I must say, it's weird that a 3rd-tier acquaintance of yours would 1) know you have a blog, 2) look for it, and 3) read it with whatever regularity would have been required to have caught your commentary on her party. I find that little tidbit to be the single oddest aspect of this whole affair. But I digress.

I must say, she was surprisingly tactful and diplomatic (as an above poster noted) in the way she addressed this issue. I believe she gave you a genuine "out". Why not take her up on it? I think she was being fairly gracious, and making it easy for you to decline in a face-saving way. If everyone's an adult about it, there's nothing to lose. If she becomes childish about it after the fact, no big loss either.