Stupid sister-in-law

Hi,
We all have them, rude relatives, and all got breeder bingos. This week-end, DH and I were out of town to visit his grandparents (grandma has to do dialysis a couple of times a week, so she might not have long to live). All the family was there. DH's brother, SIL and nephews, who were pretty calm. Happy to be in the country, played outside even if it was raining, or watching dvds. On Saturday evening, before going to bed, SIL told us it was selfish not to have kids. This time my hubby was there. He was surprised she would make such a comment and then pissed. He said to me, I won't forget this. Good, he finally knows how it feels to hear such comments on and on. When we came back to town, I showed him the breeder bingo. He didn't know there were so many, but of course as a man, he doesn't get such comments. It was the first time he experienced them firsthand.
I bit my tongue, but my reply was ready: if she had been truly not selfish, SIL would have adopted.

yxxYy

She just said it like that right out of the thin air, without any context? She must hate her life.

How rude. Sounds like envy to me. I can't imagine what else would provoke such a rude comment.

You sound more diplomatic than I would have been. "Oh, is that why you adopted yours?" (glare).

Goodness.

Breeders live in their own self important reality, as over populated and crappy as the world is today, ANYONE who would breed today is a selfish asshole, they are sentecing their kids to a very difficult life. THATS SELFISH

what did you say when the ho said that?

I have been lucky enough not to be called selfish- i'm cranky enough on a daily basis that i tend to get the "what You Are Missing" lecture. If someone uttered the "s" word to me, they would get a faceful of it. If someone did it at a family gathering I would tell them point blank I will not be insulted about personal choice and fucking bail.

So what if they think I'm nuts and talk about how I overreacted after I've gone? they'll never do it again. If people I can't walk out on try to discuss it, i laugh and say I'd rather spend my money on me. Instant change of topic.

If you tell breeders (or family off, over any reason actually) is to be ex-communicated. You will (probably) not be invited back for anything, you will not even be told if someone is dying (even someone you care about).
Most of it depends on whether or not one wants to maintain any family connections. If you wanna maintain connection (family might basically be ok, just breeder minded) just reply 'how interesting' and change the subject. I think ignoring boors and boorish remarks is a bigger insult than responding with a well deserved verbal lashing.
Of course, if one is willing to ditch family totally... lash away..

two cents ¢¢ Wrote:
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> If you tell breeders (or family off, over any
> reason actually) is to be ex-communicated. You
> will (probably) not be invited back for anything,
> you will not even be told if someone is dying
> (even someone you care about).
> Most of it depends on whether or not one wants to
> maintain any family connections. If you wanna
> maintain connection (family might basically be ok,
> just breeder minded) just reply 'how interesting'
> and change the subject. I think ignoring boors and
> boorish remarks is a bigger insult than responding
> with a well deserved verbal lashing.
> Of course, if one is willing to ditch family
> totally... lash away..

Well, every situation is different. My family knows my situation and so if it comes up it's in the form of teasing (with a dark undercurrent b/c they know why and we are all in on it.) My in-laws just know better than to pry, point blank. My sister in law keeps them busy enough with her demands during their retirement they are probably unaffected either way. By all means, I concede your point that one should not burn a bridge if they may need to retreat (i.e., are close with a family who may ask out of innocence.)

two cents ¢¢ Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you tell breeders (or family off, over any
> reason actually) is to be ex-communicated. You
> will (probably) not be invited back for anything,
> you will not even be told if someone is dying
> (even someone you care about).
> Most of it depends on whether or not one wants to
> maintain any family connections. If you wanna
> maintain connection (family might basically be ok,
> just breeder minded) just reply 'how interesting'
> and change the subject. I think ignoring boors and
> boorish remarks is a bigger insult than responding
> with a well deserved verbal lashing.
> Of course, if one is willing to ditch family
> totally... lash away..

And the problem with that is? If members of your family are willing to cut you off for standing up for yourself, fuck 'em. It's not like the ones who would cut you off actually CARE about you, or will be there when YOU need help. They just don't care to have their assumptions or their "power" challenged.

The ones who agree, or who genuinely care for you, will remain in touch and if there are any fence sitters or teens in your family, it would do them good to know that there is at least one SANE person who is happily living their own life without succumbing to LifeScript (tm).

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Feh does have a strong point: if someone who loves you does not want what's best for you, you may have to cut them loose. I did.

Feh, trust me.. I was brought up not to be too impressed with famblee. I saw enough shit from moms distant relatives to fall into that trap. Heck, I left home when my mom seemingly went off the deep end. (I really don't know what was going on in her life at that moment, but after a few particularly bizarre occurances, I was outta there.)
I just don't have family, and my (ex) husbands family didn't bother me, other than a few questions and they never persued things, so I have managed to avoid bingos for whatever reason.
If someone else were to ask me what to do I could a) tell them what I'd do.. (adios amigos, talk to you in a century) b) ask them what they want (complete break, limited contact, polite indifference,etc..) which are almost the only options.
I might do better in the future to itemize possibilities that way.

I have relations I don't speak to at all, even though I see them at least once, if not a couple times a year. BitchAunt is the prime example, she's married to my super awesome Uncle, but can't stand that everyone likes him so she's either got some "emergency" he has to attend to, or she acts like such a horrible bitch they have to leave early if there's a family gathering.

They had one child, but since it was getting "spoiled" in her mind, she took fertility pills and whammo...triplets. My Uncle freaked out for a bit, ran off with a neighbor, showed up at my Mom's house (his older sister), stayed for a couple days and got a severe talking to and soon after returned home to his wife and 4 kids.

She's gotten all sorts of help and attention from my family, and still is completely thankless and horrible. She's mean to my mother, and encourages her children to be mean to her too...even though, without my mother, her husband would not have returned, and she would not have a 4 bedroom home with a hot tub in the back and an SUV to drive. She won't let my Uncle visit his very frail mother (my grandmother), who lives in the same town, without raising a stink because he should be paying attention to HER. She's always saying how we have to put Grandma in a home because she's SO MUCH to deal with, even though they see her MAYBE once a month, and she only lives a block away.

When her son returned from his stint in Iraq, she had already arranged a two bedroom apartment for him and one of his triplet sisters. Somehow she got access to his bank account and spent a bunch of money "furnishing" their apartment, which obviously cheesed him off and he expressed it. For once in her life, one of her kids stood up to her and said "That was wrong, don't ever do that again". She actually called my mom in tears about that, and didn't get one iota of sympathy.

Sorry about the long rant...I just hate her so much. I did get the opportunity to really rip her a new one a couple years ago, which is something I still remember fondly.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Feh your uncle needs to grow some balls

nokyds4me Wrote:
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> Feh your uncle needs to grow some balls

He can get them out of her purse....

Women, who remarried and have children from previous marriages/relationships, should not expect the new in-laws to treat the kids from their exes as "family". Yeah, this may cause trouble but there is zero requirement for anyone to take on someone who is not their own blood.

I had a stepfather who was truly a father to me but that relationship took time to build. I did not call him "Dad" right away. I was an adult once I started calling my stepdad "Dad".

One of my stepbrothers is a real pain but he is not obligated to me...nor am I to him. I am going to see my mom in less than three weeks to house and dog sit.

That one stepbrother may come to the breakfast to visit IF he and his wife's baby does not need to nap earlier and is not cranky. It can inhale with great force when a mere child takes place of adults. As if the kid cannot be left with a sitter for a few hours!

However, I am NOT required to send the baby anything for his year-birthday next month or even do anything for that stepbrother or wife. It goes both ways.

Sorry, my post was for the other SIL thread!

Is she saying you're selfish and therefore not ABLE to parent children or selfish BECAUSE you don't want to HAVE children? If it's the former, then there's no discussion, right? Why would she even say that except find an excuse to call you a name? If it's the latter, then I would ask, "Exactly who besides myself am I failing to serve by NOT having children?" I don't think there's an answer to that question that doesn't make the inquisitor look really stupid.

What she said to you was really, really offensive, I think, and personally I would tell her so. It doesn't have to be a major confrontation or anything, but I would let her know. Just my $0.02.

I believe it's because we don't want to have them.

Rose Red Wrote:
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> nokyds4me Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Feh your uncle needs to grow some balls
>
> He can get them out of her purse....

I agree, but unfortunately I have yet to perfect my mind control helmet.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Feh Wrote:
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> Rose Red Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > nokyds4me Wrote:
> >
> --------------------------------------------------
>
> > -----
> > > Feh your uncle needs to grow some balls
> >
> > He can get them out of her purse....
>
> I agree, but unfortunately I have yet to perfect
> my mind control helmet.

Take off some of the foil.

An excellent retort, delivered nice and quiet and calm, to the comment from a parent that "it's selfish not to have children" is...

(and, trust me, you will get a response like you just shat in the Thanksgiving Day gravy boat)

..."Just look at yourself."

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly