The same old song and dance.

Well, my fellow childfree friends - I'm sheepishly posting this topic here now with the hopes of some support from a group of intelligent people who actually understand my point of view. And I'm going to need it!

Some backstory:
This is something I hate to admit, but my husband, over the past couple of years, has morphed into that wretched term we all loathe: a 'fencesitter'. We're both 30 years old and have been together since we were teenagers. And it seems more and more lately, some kind of 'biological clock' has gone off in him, where before there wasn't one at all. Sometimes I can't believe it myself.
It started off as something innocuous - talks about 'what it would be like'. Ok, I can give him that. I'll indulge him. But now, it's turned into something that is making me uncomfortable. His opinion on the possibility of us becoming parents is miles away from what it was before. I think he may have lost all logic.

Last night, he dangled the old 'Life Script' in front of my face during a talk we had. "Let's have a kid. Wouldn't it be nice? A little girl. You could quit your job! You could stay at home, I'd take care of you both. Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful?"
I nearly lost my mind. What the hell does he think? That I'd want to be molded into a little doting, stay-at-home soccer mommy, sitting on my ass eating bon-bons all day while our 'little girl' he so wants played with some My Little Ponies on the floor? How could he think for one second that's what I want? How could he think I'd want to give up my career, my time, my friends, my life, not to mention OUR wonderful, romantic, quiet life, just so I could play nursie-maid to some snot-nosed little kiddie? After 15 years together, does he not know me at all??

I was clear in my wishes to never be a parent before we made our vows. And now he's going out of his way to try and present some ridiculous Hallmark scenario to me, as if that's going to "soften me up" and change my mind? Well, FUCK THAT. No one will mold me into what they think my role should be. NO ONE. Not my grandkid-hungry parents, and not him. I won't do it. I won't have my freedom to choose whether or not to be a parent taken from me.

I saw this chubby, greasy moomie walking out of Wal-Mart the other day, pushing an infant in a stroller, while two other little kiddies flanked her. They danced and yelled and screamed while she just pushed on - she looked tamed. She looked anesthetized. She didn't see anything anymore. Her eyes were glazed over and she acted blind and deaf and sad. She walked to a mini-van and lazily tossed them in. Friends, I'd rather die than have a life like that!

Am I at the point of leaving my husband? No, we have a wonderful relationship, but you'd better believe I was quite firm with him. If that's what he wants out of life, we'd best end things now, I told him. Though I wish he'd gotten the message earlier. Apparently the siren call of being a daddy is getting too strong for him and I want no part of it. I told him if that's what he wanted, there are more than enough wanna-be moos out there to suit him and provide him with a little heir and wreck his life. He came back to me later after our talk and said, "I'd be the biggest fool on earth to walk away from true love just so I could reproduce." So I'd like to think he 'gets it'.

I suppose only time will tell.

*SIGH*.

check PMms

Rats: My first husband (and first true love) divorced me because he later 'changed his mind' about not having kids, and decided maybe he did want one. You know how strong first love is right? I STILL refused to cave in to all the pressure from him and his side of the family, and I wound up divorced.

It was the best decision my young ass could ever have made. Didn't matter if I wound up living under a bridge, I'd be free from the ball-and-chain of a kid. Just stick to your guns. One way or another you'll prevail, it is THE single biggest decision in ones' life to have kids. You know that already, but don't be schmoozed into anything - you know the reality of having kids: d

Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear this.

You should start looking into some fun new hobbies/interests for you both QUICKLY. Join a social network club, community center, pet club, hiking group, start a dinner group, ANYTHING to shift focus from breeding to "Look at this fabulous fun adult life we have cuz we're CF!!!"

Get a makeover for you both, buy some new clothes, rearrange or redecorate the house, get a new pet, buy a new car, revamp your yard's landscaping - ANYTHING. It sounds like he may be becoming too comfortable and looking for the "What's Next" thing.

Rats, you had better be veeerrryyy careful. Whatever BC you use, I would double up on it, if you use pills, hide them (so he can't switch), etc. Don't think 'oh, he'd never do it'. Both sexes do this all the time because they buy into the disney gaga-ism and all the bingoes (oh you'll looooovee it once it's here) and that sort of bull shit garbage.
People are entitled to change minds, and sometimes over the course of a lifetime, this happens. At that point, go separate ways. Seems to me he backed off a little too quick.

2cents, nothing, and I mean NOTHING can stop a true case of babies rabies. Perhaps, with any luck, the man just voiced a fleeting thought. It does happen and CAN be quite harmless. I think Rats has laid down the fucking rules quite swiftly and firmly, hopefully putting him in his place and squashing any dreams of his wife shitting out the next miracle.

I agree with the other Rats.I had to hide my BC from my baybee rabid (now ex) husband.I also divorced him shortly after.Not suggesting it for you,just sayin'.

Read "The Feminine Mistake" and get your tubes tied pronto.

Stay strong, RatsNotBrats!Hubby knew what you wanted going into the marriage, and it is not fair for him to change this far along. Why is it that some people to whom it has been made very clear that DH or DW doesn't want children start this crap? Jeeeeezus Kee-rist! No means NO!
What part of "no" do they not understand?!

I used to see the sort of moos you mentioned whilst still working at Hell-Mart and everytime I spotted one, I thanked the Fates that DW is happily CF. Her baby-rabid mother was putting pressure on her to produce grandkids for her husband and her (my mum, who died earlier this year, said she'd leave the decision up to us), and she told them in no uncertain terms to bugger off about the grandsprogs because THERE WEREN'T GOING TO BE ANY FROM US!! (you ROCK, DW!!).

You could try reminding him (kindly, non-aggressively) that the burden of pregnancy -- the daily sickness, the daily pain, the fatness, the medical poking and prodding, not to mention the honour of having your guts ripped right out of your own body along with half your blood -- is yours to suffer, not his.

You could tell him that you're completely adverse to doing such destruction to yourself. He couldn't possibly tell you that you're somehow 'wrong' to feel that way -- he isn't the one who has to do ANYTHING across those 9 months.

I admit this is only one tiny grain of objection amongst a whole shitload of objection you could make. The other facts, for example that you will be the one to take care of it 24 hours a day (note, he offered to just keep working -- keep his own life going whilst you're left to the whims of the little screamer) -- are separate arguments.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

I think your husband is being unfluenced by our baby rabies culture virus which attacks the hardest in the early 30's. NEVER have I been BINGO'D as often as when I hit 30, and for a few years after. It's probably a phase, we can all certainly hope so. Just remember that regardless of a man's intentions or what he may say, they NEVER "do their share" of child care, EVEN IF the woman works full time and brings in more money. They THINK they do, but time and time again, I have seen it with my own eyes and they clearly DO NOT. Also, they don't get blamed for anything, THE WIFE DOES. This is society's expectations, like having second generation replicas is "society's" expectations. If someone succumbs to one set of expectations then they are more likely to succumb to or conform to the others.

If the house is a wreck then YOU are a "bad housekeeper", NOT him. If the diaper bag is empty, IT'S YOUR FAULT. If the kid gets sick, GUESS WHO has to re-arrange their schedule and get it to the doctor? If the diapers get shitfilled and the brat gets diaper rash, YOU GET BLAMED. It's YOUR fault if the juicy juice runs out or the pop tart box is empty. MEN don't clean up vomit or change pissed on sheets NOR do they get blamed if it doesn't get done, YOU do. MEN are'nt held responsible for teaching the kid to shit on a potty, or get baths.

After you chase Shitley around all day, feed it, change it, clean up vomit, etc....AFTER you are up all night because he has baby gas, the hubby will come home and want his dinner, because afterall you HAVE been at home all day. While he eats you can hose the little bastard off and put him to bed and HOPE he stops crying in an hour or two. Then, in the two hour interim where Snotford is asleep, hubby will expect you to listen to him talk about HIS interesting day, which you will have nothing to contribute. THEN he will expect business as usual in the romance department. After you make it through that drudgery, because you will be tired and feel nasty, the kid will wake up WAILING at the top of his lungs (wa WAH wa WAH wa WAH wa WHAAAA!!!!!!!) because he shit on himself or wants to be fed.

It's a fucking nightmare, from my observations. DON'T DO IT, as once that line is crossed, there is no turning back.

Jesus Christ kidless...I'm going to have nightmares! I'm completely exhausted, but you couldn't be more accurate. It IS the womans' fault, always always ALways - Fuck. That.

It's always nostalgic in the beginning for men, then it wears off eventually when he wants a blow-job and his exhausted, dirty un-shaven wife wont oblige, things begin to go to hell in a hand-basket. Buh-bye once happy marriage...Bon Voyage-eeeeeeee!!!!

I am sorry to hear you had to hear this from your husband.

But I admire your strength and self-knowledge when you say, "No one will mold me into what they think my role should be. NO ONE."

I also admire the manner in which you stood up for your principles.

I hope things turn out well and I hope the question is now settled. Very tough conversation to go through.

clematis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am sorry to hear you had to hear this from your
> husband.
>
> But I admire your strength and self-knowledge when
> you say, "No one will mold me into what they think
> my role should be. NO ONE."
>
> I also admire the manner in which you stood up for
> your principles.
>
> I hope things turn out well and I hope the
> question is now settled. Very tough conversation
> to go through.


I agree clematis, wholeheartedly. I probably should have been a little more supportive and compassionate, rather than a harbinger of doom. However, I felt compelled to warn her of stark reality because I have witnessed it too many times. "I will take care of you and the kid financially. I will do my half. You keep the house and I will work, and we will split the childcare of Shitley equally. It's partners Babe, all the way"......NEVER happens. It didn't happen in the 70's when the philosophy was popularized, and it is even less likely to happen now. Men are smarter, it's that simple. Once the kid is here a woman has no choice except to care for it or be ostracized by society, where as the man can walk away and send a check every month.

kidlesskim Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
Men are
> smarter, it's that simple. Once the kid is here a
> woman has no choice except to care for it or be
> ostracized by society, where as the man can walk
> away and send a check every month.

Yes. Send a check every month, and spend every opportunity spouting crocodile tears to his momma, his sisters, his colleagues and his girlfriends that he looooves his child, that he just doesn't get to seeee him enough, that he just can't find the opportunity or time to be more of a daddy. Oh, and it's astonishing how the girls who listen to him actually buy this.

Not that I think this'll happen to you Ratso! But it's very clear that when it's the man who wants the sprogs, he's got some kind of weird notion that "doing half the kid-work" means changing a diaper about twice a week, standing around watching the wife prep all the food until he can 'take over' and put the spoon into the gaping mouth, and rolling around on the floor with the sprog for 10 minutes before he gets bored and suddenly remembers he has to get up and go to the liquor store.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

Amethyst Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> kidlesskim Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> Men are
> > smarter, it's that simple. Once the kid is here
> a
> > woman has no choice except to care for it or be
> > ostracized by society, where as the man can
> walk
> > away and send a check every month.
>
> Yes. Send a check every month, and spend every
> opportunity spouting crocodile tears to his momma,
> his sisters, his colleagues and his girlfriends
> that he looooves his child, that he just doesn't
> get to seeee him enough, that he just can't find
> the opportunity or time to be more of a daddy.
> Oh, and it's astonishing how the girls who listen
> to him actually buy this.
>
> Not that I think this'll happen to you Ratso! But
> it's very clear that when it's the man who wants
> the sprogs, he's got some kind of weird notion
> that "doing half the kid-work" means changing a
> diaper about twice a week, standing around
> watching the wife prep all the food until he can
> 'take over' and put the spoon into the gaping
> mouth, and rolling around on the floor with the
> sprog for 10 minutes before he gets bored and
> suddenly remembers he has to get up and go to the
> liquor store.



LOL LOL Amethyst. You are SO CORRECT. They use the kid (S) at every turn to get days off from work, sympathy fucks, free grandmoo daycare, and anything else they can milk because of the kyyyyyd. They get EXTRA credit if the birth moo moves away or dies as well and can "work it" better than a welfare whore. Like I have said, Men are smarter. They can get all of the benefits of sprogging if they play their cards right, but without the stretch marks, ruined cooters, or elongated boobies.

SIGH, I hate to hear this, like someone said, it may be a passing thought, lets hope. Or this could be the begining of the end, it may be over, I hate to be so blunt, but you may want to prepare yourself slowly, that this may be over, lets hope not, keep your head up,

My wife just turned 30 (im 39) and she is CF, but I realize that she may change her mind, and I made it very clear to her if that ever happens, I will divorce ASAP, i dont play that game AT ALL, there is ZERO room for compromise, ZERO