Another "fuck you!" Prudence column. Hey! Who else is a "bad" aunt (or uncle)?

I guess I am. Tough toenails

I hear about my nieces and nephews (and now great-nieces and -nephews) through my siblings. I offer up obligatory compliments and at least try to work up a modicum of interest; I know my sibs are proud of their accomplishments. When I visit, my oldest sister does a roundup of all the youngsters so that "you can visit with your Aunt Dori!" I know they only appear out of obligation, so we carry on brief, polite conversations, then they take off. Fine with me. I know they are, for the most part, estimable young people and I wish them well, otherwise - I'm just not that into them. I can't imagine them wanting to visit me, and I don't know under what circumstances I'd want them to come visit. And -yes- I'm definitely not a kid person, in general.

According to Prudie, I'm a bad Aunt Dori. Bad, bad, Aunt Dori

Screw you, Prudie. I embrace being a "bad" aunt, if that means I don't fawn over the youngsters. I'm not obligated to be anything but polite and courteous, as long as the same attitude is extended toward me.

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. Bad Aunt? I Don’t Want My Nieces Staying Overnight: In a couple of weeks, my brother and his family (wife, two kids) are visiting the city where my husband and I live. They are unable to afford a hotel, so prior to booking the trip I informed my brother that our place isn’t set up for overnight guests. We live in a loft, and the only room with walls is our tiny bathroom. Fortunately they are able to stay with my brother’s friend. Then my brother mentioned via email—our usual means of communication—that it would be great if the kids could spend one night at our place. My husband and I are childless by choice, and it’s well-known that neither of us cares much for children. We of course love our nieces, though we don’t know them too well considering we see them maybe once a year for a day or two. On our last visit with them, one of the kids barely spoke a word to us, and the other is a teen whose only concern seems to be her phone. Neither my husband nor I is comfortable at the thought of having children as overnight guests. I told my brother this, and he finds it ridiculous that we are refusing to host his kids for a night. Am I a bad aunt for making such a decision?

A: You’re a bad aunt, but just embrace it. Lots of people are happy in their choice not to have children. But when you say you globally dislike all children, even your own nieces, because they’ve inevitably started out life as children, that makes you a bad aunt. You love them? Really? You don’t even want to know them. You’re offended that on the last visit they did nothing to charm you, but that’s generally how people, especially kids, react around others who have not only no interest in them but only contempt. (And no one should take personally a teenager’s focus on the phone.) You don’t want them to stay over, so just stick to that. However, maybe your brother and his wife would appreciate an afternoon or evening to themselves. So you could offer to take the kids to a museum, or a show, or a cool neighborhood. Keep your expectations low, and maybe these slowly emerging adults will surprise you.

:headbrick

eyes2

Yeah, they're looking for freebies. Free place to stay, and when that was nixed - how about some free babby sitting, anyway? eyes2
Which Prude agrees with and admonishes the writer to do so. Because, they'd appreciate it.

HOW IS IT that the CF are supposed to provide all these things - but there is never any mention of what they will get in return? Well, maybe a blurb about how spending time with children will enrich them, somehow.

Yeah - those you do not like, or have nothing in common with, yes - this is going to be an uplifting experience for you, it is it's own reward.
Jesus. Talk about arrogant entitlement. And the rest of the Cattle (like Prude) carry this torch by proxy for their herd mates.

NO. You just have to put your foot down and just say NO.

I'm glad I don't know anybody, or have relatives with young kids. You can't give 'em an inch, either - like this woman says her home is not set up for kids. Notice how they tried anyway - they still pressed the issue and then tried for free babby sitting.

NO. END OF.

Yep, I'm a bad aunt too, and I'm lovin' it :satan

The breeder family in question cannot afford a hotel for a visit, so they're mooching off of friends. Then, they expect some relatives that they see once or twice a year, to babysit for free their kids. What is WRONG with this picture?? If you can't afford a hotel, even a cheap, fleabag flophouse, then maybe you shouldn't be visiting the city. :litebulb

Dontcha just love how the breeders always expect us CF people to be there for freebies and bennies whenever they decide that they want something? Isn't raping our wallets through all the extra taxes we pay enough for them? CF people don't exist to make breeder lives easier.

I don't bother with my nieces and nephews. I see them at Thanksgiving, Xmas, and Easter, and that's it. They have their own lives and I have mine. I don't expect anything form them and vice-versa. When my sister asked me to host my niece for 2 weeks in the summer, on my vacation time, so she could go globetrotting off to Australia, I told her no. Could you imagine having to put up with a teenager for 2 weeks? Their food, transportation costs, and just general mayhem? No thanks. Her failure to plan did not constitute an emergency on my part.

It's been strongly hinted at for many years that I'm a terrible aunt, and i'm OK with that. In fact, i find it a compliment

To Prudie, because we know you lurk here: :yeah

The letter-writer had already told her brother "no" in what I thought was a pretty polite way. The brother was, in my opinion, badgering about it. Asking if the kids can stay over is STILL not accepting the sister's answer...the brother's just trying to put a pretty bow on it. She said no guests, and those kids are...yep...guests. Prudie ignores this side of it completely.

I'm not a bad aunt, but I have ulterior motivations...
There was not a single other nonbeliever in my family, and I had nowhere to go when I got kicked out at 18, basically for being a shitty mormon daughter.
I want to be a safe place for my sister's kids. I would looooove to help some of them get out if they can survive the brainwashing. Sticking it to my narcissist moooom. Ha!

There's nothing in it for me but the satisfaction of leading others out of the cult.

Prudie's being a retard as usual, I see. First of all, not bending over backwards for kyd relatives doesn't automatically make you a bad aunt/uncle/whoever. It sounds to me like the author of the letter just doesn't have the right kind of living space to accommodate guests, period. I bet if she had not mentioned her childfree status in her letter, Prudence would have offered a totally different answer. She seems to be particularly hostile toward CF writers.

Also, the author didn't say they dislike their nieces and nephews - fuck, she says she loves them. They just aren't fond of kids in general and most likely don't have a living space that would be ideal for entertaining brats (meaning no brat/famblee films, no chicken nuggets, etc.). Plus, they hardly know these fuckin' kids. Even if they are kin, it would feel mighty awkward to have these little bastards who the author and her partner don't know stomping around their loft. Would they be able to discipline them at all? I bet not, and if they did, the kids would go screeching to Moo and Duh about how mean Auntie is.

And where did the author say she had no interest in getting to know the kids? It sounds like they don't live very close to one another, and therefore don't have much contact. It's tough to get to know people when you don't get the chance to see them more than once a year. Nobody is in regular contact with EVERY member of their family; I have cousins who showed up to my graduation party who I'd never fuckin' met. The kids didn't go out of their way to be buddy-buddy with the author because they didn't know her, and you can bet they'd also feel awkward and bored in the home of a relative who is pretty much a stranger.

It boils down to they don't have the space for a gaggle of brats and would not be comfortable hosting them as guests in their home. It's the stupid fuckin' brother who can't take the hint. If the author wants to take the brats somewhere special for the day, that is her choice entirely, though I would probably advise against it. It could look like an apology to the breeder brother, which would make it look like the author was wrong and Duh was right. Not to mention the fact that brother Duhddy will come to expect such favors in the future rather than accepting them as goodness-of-the-heart gestures.

Also, if Duh already secured a place to dump his bastards at his friend's house, why's he need the author to take them? Family is under no obligation to entertain his brats just because they're family. Why would you even want to leave your kids with two people who don't like kids? Not that there's any reason to "worry" that the "child-haters" would harm the kids, but it just seems like a stupid idea. If you need someone to care for your cat while you go out of town, would you ask your friend or relative who doesn't like cats? NO. You'd ask someone who likes cats and/or has cats because it just makes more sense. But we know by now that sense is not the typical breeder's strong point.

I'm sure the brother will scream to anyone who will listen about his mean sister who hates his kids, but hey, whatever keeps his cheap ass from asking for free babysitting in the future. It's not rude or mean to refuse guests because you can't accommodate or entertain them properly.

So they should own it that they're not into the kids and don't love them - something I agree with - but then they should offer to take them to a museum? Fuck that!

I didn't get any choice in becoming an aunt so I see no reason to fulfill the role. I've never met my siblings' sprogs, and hope to keep it that way until they hit 18, but I'd be fine with never meeting them, also.

Hm, you're related to someone, ergo you're obligated to them in some fashion.

Don't think so, Prudie, you stupid coont.

The only people anyone is obligated to are employers, the taxman, and any friends and associates you've signed a contract with.

Other than that, why spend your life, what precious little there is of it, suffering people you don't know and don't want to just because they happen to sit on another branch of your family tree? A stranger is a stranger and a moocher is a moocher. And sometimes family members ARE nothing but mooching strangers looking to cash in on a blood connection.

Fuck THOSE people!

It's not just people here who find Prudence's advice often questionable. "Re Prudied" advice is now a thing, whereby her bad advice is re written. Here's one re prudieing for this particular column:

http://archibaldperkins.kinja.com/re-prudied-fixing-bad-aunt-advice-1697627319

Here's the link to Slate's posting of the "bad aunt" column, if you want to read the comments there (it's the second letter for that day's questions):

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/04/dear_prudence_i_slept_with_my_boss_long_ago_does_that_diminish_my_career.single.html

Even though my niece and nephew (by marriage) are grown.,, I am still a bad aunt. They probably think I am the 'crazy aunt that everyone warned them about' LOL I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me... so we live our own lives and are content. Nephew just married a baybe rabid beotch. She found out that I am not into kids and now hates me. Fine. To each his own... and if that's her reason for totally ignoring me and actually 'hating me' (and she is a church goin' xtian) then that's her problem.. not mine. It's a very xtian attitude. Is this what they teach at the Baaaaable Church? Crazy!

I see my nephew rarely nowadays. That's due to different locations now; but, I did see him more frequently a few years ago. So, I do know him and he knows me. This Letter Writer and her brother's kids are pretty much strangers. I can totally see not wanting to play babysitter in the first place, or have to host an entire famblee. But, on top of that, being asked to take virtual strangers into your home, where everyone is going to be uncomfortable? And it's probably so Moo and Duh can get out and have some "adult time".

Just another example of people who don't understand that "no" is a complete sentence and just keep pushing it.
The "bad aunt" has already said no to hosting these broke losers who have booked a trip they were unable to afford yet she has to keep saying no to different versions of hosting.
Then Prudie admonishes her that the parents might like some time to themselves. Good grief. Then they shouldn't have had kids or they should pay a baby sitter. I'm not sure of is why the two freeloader parents think coming to the city entitles them to free stuff.
What I would almost bet, though it isn't stated, is that these parents frequently put people in situations like this where others are expected to pick up their slack. It is a more subtle way of grifting by creating their own emergencies like booking a trip they can't afford.
I would also bet these two are also the type of people who frequently treat themselves to vacations, spa days, fancy cars and smart phones but claim poverty.
Then, when somebody actually tells them no, they act like toddlers by refusing to take no for an answer and name calling.

Prudie is an idiot with a stick wedged up her uppity butt.

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Prudie
But when you say you globally dislike all children, even your own nieces, because they've inevitably started out life as children, that makes you a bad aunt.

The way I see it, the title of Aunt is just a term for the relationship *on paper* (the family tree), no different than if she was not an Aunt to these kyds but rather their Second-Cousin-By-Marriage-Thrice-Removed. The title "Aunt" technically wouldn't imply the requirement of any interaction between the Aunt/Uncle and the kyds any more than the title of some very distant relative on a far-removed branch of the tree, IMO.

How does it make the letter writer a "bad" aunt if she has spent her life avoiding children and now her brother and Prudie are trying to force her into spending time with kyds who she doesn't want to spend time with?

And how does it make the letter writer not just a "bad" aunt but also, by clear implication, a "bad" person also, for disliking children "just because" they started out life as children? So?

So now simply because her brother has created kyds, she's now unwillingly been assigned the unasked-for title of Aunt and all the societal trappings that go with it, aka it's her duty now to be the loving, super-fun Auntie who just adores you and brings you presents! which she didn't ask for, and she is basically being manipulated by people, including Prudie, who are counting on societal "rules" to require and force this lady and her husband to have a relationship with people (the kyds) that they may want NO relationship with.

As far as the evil-ness of disliking children and the really, reallllllly evil-ness of hating them....

FWIW, personally, I see nothing wrong with disliking children for any reason, "even" if someone dislikes them or hates them just because they are children.

So the hell what if they DO globally dislike all children? So? Or even if they hate all children? Even for so trivial a reason that "they are simply children"?

The Re-Prudied writer (and I appreciate the link, but I seem to have a big problemo with her just like with Prudie)....she seems to be a breeder-pleaser by making such an emphasis, to her own readers, that just because the letter writer says that she and her husband don't really care for children, that doesn't mean that the letter writer and her husband globally dislike all children.

And then the Re-Prudie writer makes an invalid comparison by saying that

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There's a major difference between preferring the absence of something in daily life versus a deep-rooted hatred of that same thing.

This to me is just a pandering statement to assure all her readers out there that "Hey, rest assured, dear readers, who, surely each and every one of you, squeeeee every time a child enters the room, rest assured, all of you, that you have no cause for concern, and no need to worry, because NO one here hates children!" Such desperation to make that point clear.

Except that even if the letter-writer DID say that she and her husband have a deep hatred of all children, so what? As long as she's not acting out in a violent way, and it's simply her personal feelings, so what?

I see Re-Prudie as also playing breeder-pleaser by saying the poor parents surely are "aching" for some alone time, (BED. MADE. LIE.) and my oh my, isn't that understandable? And after all, the poor, poor parents NEED this alone time. So the letter writer *should* "do her best" to find engaging activities for da chyuldwen. Uhhhh, NO.

The CF couple owes no one anything, no matter how much their relatives want, nor how much their relatives neeeeeeed.

(sorry for the rambling...been up all night and on a sugar rush....)

Yup, I'm a bad aunt too.

Just because I happen to share DNA or be related by marriage to people, doesn't mean I have to give a fuck about them. The letter writer's nieces only see her once a year or so, she barely knows them. I would be seriously unlikely to have anyone I barely know as a houseguest, and I couldn't see the nieces being comfortable staying there if they don't know her that well.

I wonder if Prudie would have responded in the same way to a "bad uncle"?

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Breeder-worshipping Prudie
A: You’re offended that on the last visit they did nothing to charm you, but that’s generally how people, especially kids, react around others who have not only no interest in them but only contempt. (And no one should take personally a teenager’s focus on the phone.)

Fuck this sideways with a rusty nail. Social interaction is a two-way street, and if parunts haven't taught their kids basic manners, such as NOT being glued to your phone when you are in a social situation, then I reserve the right to not give a fuck about that person's kids. My best friend has teenagers, and if I or we take them out for a meal, then they are told, phones away until we've finished eating, because it's fucking disrespectful when someone is buying you a meal to sit there and ignore them. Do I care if they're bored? Nope. There's worse things in life than being bored, and anyway, when they're in the real world working they'll be bored plenty, so they better get used to it.

And hey, Prudie - perhaps if the dickhead parents encouraged their kyds to make conversation, and get off their phones a bit, then maybe the adults will surprise THEM.

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Prudie
You don’t want them to stay over, so just stick to that. However, maybe your brother and his wife would appreciate an afternoon or evening to themselves. So you could offer to take the kids to a museum, or a show, or a cool neighborhood.

I do not, quite frankly, care if they want an afternoon to themselves. They bred, so they need to ensure they have the capacity to look after the kids, without my help.

I will offer to babysit for friends' kids when I know the kids, know the parents well, and know their rules. My house simply isn't childproof, and I have the dog, so I don't have little ones here at all. Older ones, it goes more on whether I have the confidence that if I say "No" to them then they will respect it and not kick off. Bratty kids don't get a look in with me. And as far as I'm concerned, no parent has any automatic right to anybody else looking after their children, even for 5 minutes.

My MIL is constantly going on about how when nephew is older he can come and stay with his aunt and uncle and we can do this and that with him, nope, don't plan my fucking life for me, because I will not be planning my life around their baybee.

Some of the comments just idiotic on Slate. Some of those women are ridiculous, going on about how kids are the most important member of the family, how they would distance themselves from family members who declined the favor, you aren't really an adult if you can't watch children for a night, blah blah blah.
Fuck that noise.
It is not appropriate for the moochers to expect childcare when they have already been told no.
Maybe this couple has to work the next day, maybe they already have other obligations or plans they don't want to drop or maybe they just need their space. It doesn't really matter why though, since the favor should have never been asked for.
Another thing I've noticed about broke moochers is they expect everyone to drop everything when they show up in addition to feeding, housing and paying for all events.
I think the sister needs to tell her brother how inappropriate he is being one time and then start backing away from the relationship if he keeps it up.

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ex lurker
It's not just people here who find Prudence's advice often questionable. "Re Prudied" advice is now a thing, whereby her bad advice is re written. Here's one re prudieing for this particular column:

http://archibaldperkins.kinja.com/re-prudied-fixing-bad-aunt-advice-1697627319

Thanks for that wink

The writer reminds me of Childfree Abby

I'm the worst aunt, I cut off the beings with shared DNA since I didn't see being an approved bratsitter and meat based ATM as a sacred honor. Saw the golden parasite and thought it was butt ugly and told it's moo it was an ass ugly abomination. The only reason I visited those breeders was to see my grandmother, the only bio relative in my life.

I'm the best aunt to my chosen niece, a 40 something CF living in Canada. She became my niece via recurring joke.

I stopped reading Prudie since her advice makes me want to throttle the laptop. Her response to everything is pretty much inane breeder drivel. There is no way in fuck I'm letting breeders who invite themselves stay in my home, doesn't matter if it's a studio apartment or a 10 bedroom mansion. Letter writer needs to lay down the law and tell breeder brother if he can't afford to pay for hotel and/or diversions for his brood then he should stay home. Those brats are strangers to the letter writer, why should she waste her time and money on a bunch of moody little shits that don't understand basic manners? Breeder brother needs to realize no means no, and stop demanding free room, board, and bratsitting.

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hana
Saw the golden parasite and thought it was butt ugly and told it's moo it was an ass ugly abomination.

You, my dear, are legend! :beer

I had no idea what to say about my OH's nephew when we met him - talk about an ugly, squat, fat baybee. Looks like some kind of grub. All I could muster was "oh, he's quiet isn't he".

Put me in the 'Bad Aunt' category too. When my great nephew was a newborn loaf, I was meeting him for the first time. His owners - I mean parunts said that he was about to puke, and he was sitting too close to me and I let out a squawk and lurched back. I didn't want it hitting my dress! Not only that but something about vomit makes me want to puke myself.

Prudie is a bitch. There is NOTHING wrong with not liking kyds. I think MOST people, including breeders themselves, can't stand other people's kyds, or even their own for that matter. The fact that the brother feels he needs to dump his kyds off on his sister so he and wifey can have a night alone is very telling.

Who the Hell goes to a city when they can't afford proper accommodations? Oh, yes. Entitled assholes who think they can invade their family's homes and dump their kyds off like fucking orphans so they can have a date night. Fuck them.

There is nothing in it for the 'Auntie'. All she is to breeders is another opportunity.

Maybe brother Duh should check the sex offender registry for the addresses of some local pedos. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to offer some free accommodations to his gaggle of brats.

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yummynotmummy

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hana
Saw the golden parasite and thought it was butt ugly and told it's moo it was an ass ugly abomination.

You, my dear, are legend! :beer

I had no idea what to say about my OH's nephew when we met him - talk about an ugly, squat, fat baybee. Looks like some kind of grub. All I could muster was "oh, he's quiet isn't he".

Thanks

The parasite's moo [my sister] is a vile nasty breeder who demanded insane shit from me, so I didn't bother editing my thoughts. She and egg donor spent the day giving me pissy glares.

I'm a downright terrible aunt. I find my older half-sister to be a toxic waste of skin and I didn't even know she existed till I was 12 anyway so it's not like I have any kind of connection to her. Therefore, I don't see her or her bastard shitlings ever. She stalks me online, and once in a while she manages to find one of my profiles somewhere and spams me about how her baaayyybeees are getting so big and I should see my neice and nephew.

Joke's on her. Being reminded I'd have to deal with her brats just makes me even less tempted, if that's even possible.

And why the hell should she offer to take the kids for a day so moomy and duhdie can have a break? She didn't decide to have them. She's made it clear she doesn't like kids. Why is it her responsibility to take them off their hands? It's not like anyone ever asked her when they decided to start popping them out.

Ugh, the entitlement.

P.S. Good to be back!

Give the perants a night to themselves? Sure sounds great sibling and his wife plus cf adults can go out for a drink and a movie, the kids can fuck off and try to stay alive for a night somewhere else that isn't the cf's home, sounds great to me.

Ah, nothing like a dose of good ol' "there's nothing wrong with not having children, as long as you worship other people's spawn". eyes2

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We of course love our nieces

Bullshit. You and your nieces are barely acquaintances, it seems, and there's nothing wrong with that. I understand the need to be a breeder-pleaser so you don't come across as an eeeeebil chyld hat0r, but COME. ON.

I don't have low self-esteem. That's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
-Daria

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yummynotmummy
I had no idea what to say about my OH's nephew when we met him - talk about an ugly, squat, fat baybee. Looks like some kind of grub. All I could muster was "oh, he's quiet isn't he".

Reminds me of the Seinfeld "see the baby!" episode