"TMI" comments from preggos on a moomie forum

1)"My discharge smells like many different things, depending on the day. Sometimes it smells like glue. Sometimes it smells likes bread. Today is the first time it's ever smelled like.... cheddar cheese...."

2)"I am almost 6 months pregnant. I have noticed my nipples are scabbing over and are bleeding . Is this normal? (First pregnancy here - I am very paranoid )"

3)"Does anyone know of online instructions for finding your cervix? I ordered evening primrose oil, it just arrived & I want to be ready for when I can start using it. My doc did an internal exam today but couldn't reach my cervix easily & wasn't going to be mean about trying to find it since I'm only almost 36 weeks & shouldn't have the baby quite yet. I just tried finding it myself but realized that I'm not sure what I'm feeling."

and VERY gross instructions from an experienced moocow:
s"Get near something you can steady yourself on with one hand (like a counter, or the edge of the bathtub) and squat. This will lower your cervix so it is more easily reached. Now stick one or two fingers into your vagina and feel for the "end of the tunnel" Your cervix will feel slimy and hard, like the end of your nose, or possibly as soft as your lips, depending on how effaced you are. It will have a little dimple/indent in it. If you press on it, it may feel a little uncomfortable or even a bit painful, since it can be tender during pregnancy. Make sure to clip and file your nails so they are dull, in case you are even a little dilated you don't want to accidentally puncture the amniotic sac. Be gentle."

4)"So I'm laying in bed with DH the other night and my boobs HURT and are all hard and hot and I'm about to cry, and my angel of a DH did an amazing job of massaging the hurt away... and then I have an itch.On the very tip of my nipple.So I scratch it. And it's WET. So I fly out of bed going "EWWWW GROSS!" and run into the bathroom and DH sits up all "Wha? Babe? Are you okay?" And I proceed to spend the next 5 minutes in the bathroom alternating between "OMG EWWW" and trying to make it do it AGAIN. Because reproducible results are IMPORTANT.

I get back in bed and explain to my DH that they have started LEAKING OMG. And he...srsly, PATS ME ON THE HEAD and tries not to laugh at me. My husband, ladies and gents. UNFLAPPABLE.

Guys. There is STUFF coming out of my BOOBS. And while I accept this intellectually as normal, natural, and in fact something I WANT to have happen? THERE'S STUFF COMING OUT OF MY BOOBS, GUYS."

5)"I am 36weeks along with my 2nd and over the past few days my hemmroids have gotten worse than ever before. They are worse then after post partum with my DD (2+ hrs of pushing a posterior/sunnysideup baby). They are external and areas of them are purple/black and extremely painful. I can barely walk today and sometimes sitting or moving a certain way brings me to tears."

6)"I am having this strange pain/pressure when I go #2 or pass gas/sit down/move a certain way. It is up higher inside...not sure if it is in my rectum or elsewhere. Could this be the baby near my bowels or could it be hemorrhoids?"

7)"When I mean "satisfied", I am referring to DH not being able to satisfy me EVER! Before I was pg I had no problems. But now I could try for an hour with nothing. DH feels bad and tries SO hard, but in the end I just roll over annoyed and say, it's never going to happen! Is anyone else having problems in this area? I just keep thinking that I have 9 more weeks at least before the baby is born and then 6 weeks post pardum before I might get back to my "normal" self. It is so depressing that it could be that long until I am satisfied!"


Why would anyone want to go though all of this shit? More importantly, WHY do they all lie and say that pregnancy is "beautiful" and "wonderful", "The happiest time of their lives!", and that it makes them closer to their husbands? All of this sounds completely opposite of the lies that they tell.

That's just great. Let's see, during this "sexy" "wonderful" "beautiful" time when the body is "glowing," all sorts of DISGUSTING things happen.

Let's recap:

1. Your vagina smells like cheese.
2. Your tits crust and bleed.
3. Your tits leak.
4. You find yourself in unflattering positions shoving your fingers into an orifice not designed for fingers and then going online to talk about it.
5. Your anus feels "strange."
6. You develop hemmorhoids.
7. You cannot have an orgasm unless you are knocked up.

Wow, we sure are missing out! And let's not forget all the disgusting post-repugnancy things like stretchmarks, saggy tits and all the other unsavory goodies!

Egad. Didn't these stupid Moos realize pregnasty isn't all fluffy bunnies and rainbows?

#1 needs to see a doctor. How hard is that to figure out? If your cootch smells bad, you probably have an infection. Is she going to wait until her crotch explodes?

#2 Same thing. Maybe she needs a better bra or just has dry skin. Hydrocortisone cream first, doctor next.

#3 A quick google search reveals that rubbing evening primrose oil is the latest crunchy-granola trend to induce labor. Why you would want to rub an unsterile compound on your own female organs is beyond me. Aren't these moos worried about infection?

#4. Newsflash: pregnant women lactate. Have you been hiding under a rock? You wanted to get pregnant, now deal with it.

#5. Ever heard of bran? "Eating for two" doesn't mean doubling up on the Whoppers and Twinkies. Eat a sensible diet high in fiber. Drink some water. See a doctor if it doesn't help.

#6. See #5.

#7. Your DH deserves a medal for climbing on top of a woman who is 30+ weeks pregnant and humping away. Just writing that sentence makes me long for some serious eye bleach.

Give the guy a break and buy a vibrator. Oh, and as far as you "being satisfied," once you have kids, your sex life takes a backseat. There are people with uninterrupted sex lives. They are called "childfree." Google the term and be prepared to go green with envy.