Family Drama - Need Your Thoughts

So, my SIL and 2 nephews come to stay over Saturday night. I adore these 2 (5 and 3.5) kids but they DO NOT BEHAVE.

1. CONSTANTLY in the fridge, pulling shit out, spilling shit

2. chase the cats to the point where they are hissing, spitting, swatting and hiding

3. chasing our little dog around, yelling at her and scaring her

4. dive bomb jumping on our big dog to the point where she snaps at them (very out of character of her)

5. at the dinner table, hanging upside down on their chairs, mixing their drinks with their dinner on the plates, crawling around the table on their hands and knees, standing on the chairs, won't eat their dinner, up and down from the dinner table 50 times while everyone's trying to eat

6. in and out of the house 50 times, leaving the doors open for our cats and dogs to bolt right out

My SIL says very little to them to quell the behavior, so hubby is left to be the bad guy. He had to tell them several times to stop doing the things I've outlined above. And I had to run interference a number of times, as well.

What does SIL do? Gets home last nite and tells my brother that all my hubby did was yell at the kids all weekend long. Fucking lying bitch! Brother calls me on the phone bitching 10 ways to Sunday. Saying all kinds of shit and pretty much even eluded to the fact that he does not like my hubby. The kids on the other hand, LOVE him, but god knows how they will feel after this. I have a feeling that my SIL was baiting my hubby by not yelling at the kids so he would have to say something to them, then she could go home and start talking shit. She's a miserable cunt, never happy with anything, and ALWAYS has something to say about everybody. She even trashes my brother to her own family.

I was so stunned by the fact that he was under the impression that the kids got yelled at all weekend long, that I barely had anything to say while he was bitching in the phone at me. I kept thinking, "What a fucking lying bitch!"

I am SO FUCKING PISSED right now. I want to call my brother and SIL and light their fucking asses right up.

So here we have it! My brother and SIL have just joined the ranks, officially, of BREEDERS (not parents). Typical mentality where MY KID CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS AND YOU BETTER NOT YELL AT HIM!!!!!

Thoughts?

I would kill them with politeness.

Say, in a written note (don't get on the phone to them), "I enjoyed having your sons over for a nice visit. I'm sorry you weren't pleased with our hospitality. In the future, we hope you can find more suitable places for your sons to visit."

That's all. That's all you need to say and that's all she deserves. Signed, sealed, delivered. Followed by a one-year moratorium on visits from them or the kids. Your stance in refusing visits is apologetic: "Oh, we so enjoyed having them, but we just can't at this time." Repeat ad infinitum, with no explanations, until it sinks in.

I know you like seeing the kids, but the abuse of your property and the drama makes it ultimately not worth it.

Light them up. it's the last thing that entitled cunt will expect.

Rose Red Wrote:
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> Light them up. it's the last thing that entitled
> cunt will expect.

I agree, light them the fuck up, fuck them! i know you want to see the kyds, but the breeders have ruined that for the kids, might be time to write all 4 of them off. but im an asshole!!!

Kids appreciate boundaries and discipline. I think your SIL was purposefully not disciplining the children. It may have been to see what you two would do, or it may have been because she's lazy and used to them behaving so wildly. It sounds like your nephews were pushing their boundaries to the limit. Your poor animals. Do they have pets? Remind your brother and SIL that your animals aren't used to being jumped on and taunted, or at the least having so much commotion going on around them. Of course you didn't want your nephews bitten or the animals hurt. It doesn't sound like your husband was yelling, he was simply correcting them. They were in the wrong. I doesn't even sound like the children were at all upset. I know you want to visit your nephews. Once the dust settles and this blows over, visit them on their own turf.

Once the dust settles and this blows over, visit them on their own turf.

Mmmm, bratBgone, I am much less forgiving than you, for better or worse. I feel they completely disrespected KFLL's space and boundaries and acted like hellions. Then to get treated so disrespectfully by the parents--I say cut 'em all out. Not worth it overall.

clematis Wrote:
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> Once the dust settles and this blows over, visit
> them on their own turf.
>
> Mmmm, bratBgone, I am much less forgiving than
> you, for better or worse. I feel they completely
> disrespected KFLL's space and boundaries and acted
> like hellions. Then to get treated so
> disrespectfully by the parents--I say cut 'em all
> out. Not worth it overall.

She mentioned adoring her nephews, and may still want to see them. Maybe she could take just the nephews somewhere, like the park for a visit. I'd be done with them, too. If a kid let my youngest cat out, grrrrrr. I'd be done.

My nephew made my cats total headcases after 2 nights. Why bother to make them feel welcome?

This is why I'm glad I don't have family. If I did, and they behaved like sil did, I would gladly not have anything more to do with them, or laugh at the tirades. I would hang up on either one who called.
1) how badly do you feel the need to see these two kids? their behaviour is only going to worsen over time. If one of you animals does retaliate, they will be the first to insist on putting it down 'for the kyds sake'.
2) I wouldn't even go and visit them. If you tell dumb-ass breeders off, they are going to resent you. You think you would be welcome in their house after that? (See note 1, how badly do you need to see these buggers.)
3) sil is typical moo of the yakkity yak school of discipline most likely. your brother is a duh-tard: I would have hung up on him 10 seconds into his tirade. He is a ball-less wonder who can't stand up to his bitchmouth cunt of a wife. My take is they are destructive and I would go nowhere near where they are or are going to be (famblee reunions are going to be out obviously.)
WRITE THESE TARDS OUT OF YOUR LIFE!! It will never improve.

2 cent, my life was so much easier when i didn't have a family. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers but gaining 9 new family members in a little over a year is too much.

As tempting it is to light them up, I think in the long run that will hurt you more than if you take a more balanced approach in the mold of what BratBgone suggested. Carrot+stick, win-win.

If you can frame a solution to this as a win-win deal for all involved, even if it is not a big win, you will accomplish much more than any immediate gratification of lighting them up.

For example, reminding your SIL that your pets are to you like her kyds are to her. You don't want your pets to be needlessly frightened (just like your SIL would not want her kyds to be needlessly frightened), and you don't want her kyds to be bitten or scratched by your pets. Therefore, her kyds need to be reminded FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY that they need to behave better around your pets.

The table manners improvement issue is one which your nephews will benefit from wherever they go, including in public. [Are they taken to public eateries?] You can tell your SIL that better table manners will be looked upon favorably at other people's homes as well as when they have guests there. Same deal for spilling stuff, although kyds that young may not have the same level of physical co-ordination needed to always avoid spilling things.

A good short-term solution I think would be to have a moratorium (one year?) on visits to your place but not on your visiting them at their place. However, if, during your visits to their place, you see your nephews behaving a LOT better, you can shorten that period. You can use your visits there to calmly talk to the kyds (if you think that will work) to tell them you don't want them to be bitten or scratched by your pets.

Carrot+stick, win-win, two good approaches. Sounds like you may have an easier time talking the jyds than to their parents!

deegee Wrote:
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> As tempting it is to light them up, I think in the
> long run that will hurt you more than if you take
> a more balanced approach in the mold of what
> BratBgone suggested. Carrot+stick, win-win.
>
> If you can frame a solution to this as a win-win
> deal for all involved, even if it is not a big
> win, you will accomplish much more than any
> immediate gratification of lighting them up.
>
> For example, reminding your SIL that your pets are
> to you like her kyds are to her. You don't want
> your pets to be needlessly frightened (just like
> your SIL would not want her kyds to be needlessly
> frightened), and you don't want her kyds to be
> bitten or scratched by your pets. Therefore, her
> kyds need to be reminded FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY that
> they need to behave better around your pets.
>
> The table manners improvement issue is one which
> your nephews will benefit from wherever they go,
> including in public. You can tell your SIL that
> better table manners will be looked upon favorably
> at other people's homes as well as when they have
> guests there. Same deal for spilling stuff,
> although kyds that young may not have the same
> level of physical co-ordination needed to always
> avoid spilling things.
>
> A good short-term solution I think would be to
> have a moratorium (one year?) on visits to your
> place but not on your visiting them at their
> place. However, if, during your visits to their
> place, you see your nephews behaving a LOT better,
> you can shorten that period. You can use your
> visits there to calmly talk to the kyds (if you
> think that will work) to tell them you don't want
> them to be bitten or scratched by your pets.
>
> Carrot+stick, win-win, two good approaches.
> Sounds like you may have an easier time talking
> the jyds than to their parents!

this is called reasoning, YOU CANT REASON WITH BREEDERS, as stated above, this is only going to get worse as time goes on,

Deegee is correct from that pov, however, I think nokyds is closer to the truth: there is no reasoning with sucky parents.
The SIL is a destructive individual. Personally, I wouldn't trade peace and serenity just to see some rotten spoiled sprogs. (even if they wear the title of 'famblee')
That is the bottom line: the price of seeing these kydz is eating dirt from the mootard & duhtard.
Keep this in mind: THEY NEVER HAD ANY RESPECT OR CONSIDERATION FOR YOU, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR PETS, OR YOUR WELL-BEING!!
and your bruder is a gutless wonder.

The thing that I found most insulting and hurtful was the fact that my brother eluded to the fact that he did not like my hubby.

And why? He's a perfectly nice guy, friendly, has a warped sense of humor like the rest of us, has a good job, has the same type of background as my family, has the same interests as my family and especially my brother (classic cars, motorcycles, etc.). He has even offered to help my brother with a NUMBER of projects around his house - of which my brother has refused all his offers.

Far as I'm concerned on this topic, if he doesn't like my hubby, he can go fuck himself and same goes for his nasty cunt of a wife, and they won't be seeing anymore of us, either. I can see if hubby did something wrong, but he didn't. I have a feeling that this feeling of dislike from my brother goes further back than this particular so-called "incident" and I cannot imagine why, there has never been a harsh word.

Hubby has a mind of his own with thoughts and opinions, whereas my last husband, whom everyone just LOVED because he had that fucking suck-ass-kissing salesman personality and sucked up to everyone, never had a thought or opinion of his own, just sat there agreeing with everyone and acting like a fucking salesman.

I do agree that there is no reasoning with these people. I also think his wife is a big trouble maker and cannot believe she'd stir up trouble between me and my brother by saying this shit. She's the type that is always saying something negative or talking shit about somebody. I guess she ran out of victims and had to pick hubby this weekend. Fucking cunt. This same bitch is always telling my brother he's useless, stupid, verbally trashing their house and life, and just being plain old miserable and putting it on my brother, that it's HIS fault.

Way to go there kidfree...
I am sorry that things will probably end with your nephews, but you don't need the constant evisceration: and your hubby will probably like the peace that no-contact brings.
However, be advised if you both break off contact with these people, you may be barraged by other 'famblee'. (All on the altar of 'famblee' of course.)
Do you think your brother is envious/jealous of your husband? both of you? He sounds like he is married to a bitch on wheels and this may be part of unloading frustration and the verbal castration he gets: trying to drag you into the same bucket of drama.

KidFreeLuvnLife Wrote:
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> I can see if
> hubby did something wrong, but he didn't. I have
> a feeling that this feeling of dislike from my
> brother goes further back than this particular
> so-called "incident" and I cannot imagine why,
> there has never been a harsh word.
>
My sil hates my guts on principle- because someone might actually pay attention to me instead of her, and because she can't have my husband (her brother) all to herself. Despite the fact that she is married with a kid, she has always been nasty to me just because of what i represent. I would guess your husband didn't do anything- your brother just made up his mind to be a POS about this. It happens. I was hurt and confused for years about why this person was so horrible to me and then it occurred to me that it's been one big long tantrum. Now, I don't give a fuck.

KFLL, there is a bigger picture here. You can muddy the water all you want with wanting to see the kids and all, but ACTIONs speak louder than words.

No matter what comes out of your mouth, if you continue to invite them to your house, they will get the idea that their behavior is okay. I have a feeling that they have behaved like this before and you probably tried to tell them before to behave differently, but look, they did it again.

My home is my sactuary. Someone fucks me and my pets over like that, they're done. No questions. It's one of the benefits of being an adult: your house, your rules.

And by the way, you don't have to talk about it either. Clematis is perfectly right--go back and read what she said and repeat these phrases like a broken record.

Reasonable people can talk things out. You've already reported your SIL is not reasonable. My assvice: don't talk about it any more because that only fans the fires and gives her the drama she craves. Any further attempts to discuss it is met with, "Gosh, I'm sorry she didn't have a good time." Repeat as necessary because you are not going into it again.

If she talks about visiting, I agree with the previous poster. Just say something like, sorry, that doesn't work for us. Read what Clematis wrote again.

They need to be trained because they aren't getting the message.

I think you know the right answer, you just don't want to be tough enough to do it. But you need to for the sake of your sanity and your pets. If you continue to appease them, it will only get worse.

Also, do you and your DH have a mixed race marriage? Is it possible your brother is being a shit about that? I sense some anxiety over it, and it's understandable.

Sometimes family doesn't like someone because they aren't a good person. It doesn't sound like the case here. If your DH is a good person, then you are in control. Either they tolerate your DH or they don't get to see you, period. They must be polite.

Nope, no mixed marriage here. The anxiety I USED to have was that I felt my family was always comparing new hubby to the idiot I wasted 13 years with. NO comparison as far as I'm concerned but my family is blind.

I have a feeling brother's dislike of hubby comes from the fact that hubby is a real take-charge kind of guy. He gets involved, likes to do things, is a go-getter with certain things.

Brother on the other hand is very to himself, no self-confidence. He is also very stubborn.

I have a feeling he is intimidated and sees hubby's personality as arrogant, but he is far from arrogant. He's as insecure as the next guy but he doesn't let that hold him back.

I definitely will not be inviting them back anytime soon. This is a situation where we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. For instance, younger nephew picked up a huge knife off the counter and started swinging it around like a fucking samauri sword. Hubby yelled to put it down as his mother sat there saying nothing. Had hubby said nothing, he would have been uncaring but since he yelled, all he did was yell all weekend. SIL is definitely a person you cannot win with. She does not appreciate anything.

I simply refuse to spend time with people who trash my husband for no reason and who do not like him for no reason.

As far as I'm concerned, they can all rot and fester in that hell-hole of a breederific life they've created for themselves, complete with all the chaos, fighting, and tension.

What ever happened to 'my house, my rules'?

Agree a set of house rules with hubby and discuss them with Bro and SIL. Maybe next time it comes up in conversation? "Guys we'd really like to have you and the kids over for Sunday dinner, but we don't think you respect the fact that it is OUR house. We don't want anyone, kids or adults, running riot, stomping all over the place and breaking things here."

If they haven't pulled on their coats and walked away yet, then you can illustrate what you mean. "Last time, it was bedlam -- broken lamp, glass of milk on the floor, chocolate crushed into the carpet, pets under siege, sneakers all over the furniture, food under the table, cushions tossed out the door..." (etc etc).

"So, next time you come over, we want 3 rules obeyed. By everyone. It's Auntie and Uncles House and these are their rules." Three is a good number and easy enough for them to remember and, who knows, maybe even teach the brats.

If they're still listening to you and not being totally unreasonable by fighting back or name-calling or any of that sort of thing, you pick just the three things that can cover most of the trouble. 1 - No feet on the furniture. 2 - No screaming. 3 - Leave the animals ALONE. Or whatever gets to you the most.

It's worth a try. Who knows, maybe someday they'll get the hint that no house, nope not even THEIR house, should resemble a freakin' zoo on fire.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

Hmm then again. If they turn up to use your house like a flippin jungle-gym and don't even LIKE your husband, they can fuck the hell off.

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

KFLL, how on earth can you "adore" those two little hellions? If I had been there, Mr. Open Hand™ or even Mr. Foot-with-Steel-Toed-Shoe™ might have made a surprise guest appearance to see the kyds up close and personal, moo be damned. In particular, once they started messing with the animals, you should have thrown out them and their useless moo.

Adore them? My foot can adore their little asses.

The behavior that SIL and brother allowed would piss me off SO much that I would never invite them over again. Then the follow up call blaming my husband for attempting to keep/get things under control would seal the deal, for me. The ONLY phone call that should have been made was an apology phone call for their kyds' bad behavior and/or their inaction. They simply were not respecting your home, your belongs, your pets, YOU or your husband. It would be a cold day in hell before I invited them over again and it would be specifically because of the parents' bad attitudes. I might let the boys come over, ALONE, because most kyds will act right if they are taught to do so. I wouldn't offer either of them a tin cup of water on a hot day though because they were clearly in the wrong here and are being assholes.

Yeah, I agree with kidless kim. Also, if anyone dissed the honorable, hard-working, sweet and thoughtful guy that I am somehow lucky enough to have as my DH, I write them off right then, no second chances. He comes first with me and I have his back...anyone who foolishly tried to criticize him would lose the ability to socialize with me. The older I get the less time I have to deal with unhappy, mean little people. I write 'em off more and more easily with age...

Yeah, I agree with kidless kim. Also, if anyone dissed the honorable, hard-working, sweet and thoughtful guy that I am somehow lucky enough to have as my DH, I write them off right then, no second chances. He comes first with me and I have his back...anyone who foolishly tried to criticize him would lose the ability to socialize with me. The older I get the less time I have to deal with unhappy, mean little people. I write 'em off more and more easily with age..

clematis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I would kill them with politeness.
>
> Say, in a written note (don't get on the phone to
> them), "I enjoyed having your sons over for a nice
> visit. I'm sorry you weren't pleased with our
> hospitality. In the future, we hope you can find
> more suitable places for your sons to visit."
>
> That's all. That's all you need to say and that's
> all she deserves. Signed, sealed, delivered.
> Followed by a one-year moratorium on visits from
> them or the kids. Your stance in refusing visits
> is apologetic: "Oh, we so enjoyed having them, but
> we just can't at this time." Repeat ad infinitum,
> with no explanations, until it sinks in.
>
> I know you like seeing the kids, but the abuse of
> your property and the drama makes it ultimately
> not worth it.


That's the sad part. Breeders make themselves and their spawn unwelcome even where a CF might like to have kids over now and then. Whatever you do, do NOT invite them back!!