Welcome! Log In Create A New Profile

Advanced

Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.

Posted by ladybug2203 
Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 04, 2021
Many of you remember my numerous stories about my autard sister and toxic parents and toxic other sister.

I am now 3 weeks no contact (before I never more than a day or two without talking to my parents), and I'm very proud of myself.

I know it's LONG overdue, but I finally did it. I am the family scapegoat, was expected to hide my trauma and pretend it wasn't there to preserve my mother's feelings (so she could continue to lie to herself that she's such a good mother), always told I was exaggerating or my memories were false/distorted (gaslighting). Example: my mother talks in a nostalgic voice of going to our vacation home and acts like such a martyr because "we wanted you guys to have this but it wasn't easy with a disabled child" I have memories of my father throwing soda in my face when he felt I was acting up, I remember having to sit on the edge of my seat in the mini van to make it harder for autard sister to reach and smack me, I remember her smacking me and dad said I "handled it lousily" (I was 12, didn't bother to ask if I was okay, all I did was Yelp "ouch" because I was startled), I remember having to constantly clean up after her, I remember always having to go to disgusting pizza joints with super greasy and fattening food cuz it's all autard could handle (I was trying to watch my weight). nowadays I never want to go back to that vacation town because it triggers my PTSD.

What has angered me the most is as a child I was I believe to be falsely diagnosed with a "learning disability" (one "symptom" was that I was late to learn to dress myself, well no one bothered to teach me bc they were too busy with the tard, kids need to be taught, they don't get these skills out of thin air), from childhood into adulthood when someone actually bothered to teach me a skill, I learned with lightening like speed. Another "symptom;" I had poor social skills when I was younger (well we were never allowed to go anywhere because of my sister), I get some people are naturally sociable, but kids need to be socialized from a young age to have good social skills. I also had night terrors every single night until I was 5 years old (autard sister is 2 years younger than me), these are a step above standard nightmares (I remember being terrified because I had no concept of dreams/nightmares and didn't understand what was going on), I was told I'd be running around the room in my sleep crying and screaming. From what I've read night terrors happen in children who grow up in an overly stressful environment. As I grew, these "learning disability" symptoms went *poof.* It was easier for my parents to say I have a learning disability rather than PTSD from our extremely volatile home environment (my mother got plenty of therapy for herself but I was denied it as a kid when I badly needed it I think she was worried I'd say too much.) Was often told my views are distorted/skewed.

I have a memory like a friggin elephant, I have a memory from when I was under a year old and had higher order thinking for such a young age(I was in my great grandmother's room with my parents, cousin who was a year older than me and her parents, and my grandparents. She was holding a doll, I wanted the doll but was afraid to ask for it because I didn't want the adults making a huge fuss out of it and embarrassing me), this was all caught on film as someone was filming this for a home video, and in the video I saw myself eyeballing the doll the entire time but not asking/reaching for it. Someone with a memory like this I strongly doubt has "distorted" memories let alone a learning disability, I've never met anyone in myself who had a memory from that young of an age. All the "learning disability symptoms" I had more closely matched PTSD. When I was in my 20s I got into a big argument with my mother about it I said "okay, if you feel I have a learning disability, I would like to go to a psychologist and get tested again, someone who does NOT know us or our family history. If I have it, it should still show up" she didn't want me to get tested, and she never brought up this "learning disability" ever again.

I'm starting to get on the mend, started taking an anti depressent as well as Vyvanse for my eating disorder (that I've struggled with my entire life), while ptsd is often permanent brain damage, I can finally start to heal as much as humanly possible. I feel like I'm finally getting control of my life. And I'm truly honored to be ending this bloodline (my only biological sibling is the autard, my other sister is adopted, and I'm sterilized for 7 yrs now).
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
Next step, move far away. Distance can be a huge help in healing because it adds a level of security.

_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
Quote
thom_c
Next step, move far away. Distance can be a huge help in healing because it adds a level of security.

I'm under lease until December, but definitely something I'll consider.
Good on you for cutting those ties!
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
This sounds like a really good move for you and I applaud you.

From what you have written, your parents repeatedly make excuses for how they treated you because autard. And as you wrote above, it was more important for both of them to blame you and continue abusing you and make excuses or do whatever was necessary, so they could maintain the illusion they were/are GOOD PARUNTS, at least to the autard.

Being an adult means you can see these excuses for the bullshit they are. You do not have to accept them with a child's mind. Sometimes there can be healing, but only if the parent is willing to admit he/she made a mistake and only if the parent is willing to make amends and be accountable for what they did. It sounds like your parents are FAR AWAY from that.

Cutting them off and not expecting anything more from them is the only sane thing to do. What's more, it's a given that these nasty people are going to expect you to take care of the autard in some way. If you have already been broken away for years, it will be easier. If they try to give you that authority, relinquish it immediately.

I'm really sorry you had to go through that pain. Nobody deserves that. However, you sound like a very strong person. I second the recommendation to move away.

My other, random assvice is: therapy, therapy therapy. Read everything you can get your hands on about toxic parents. See if you can get in a group of people with toxic parents. If either of your parents are drunks, I cannot recommend Al-anon enough. Be aware of countermoves. Your parents may try to draw you back in with anger, threats or pitiful stories about how you are "wrecking" the fambilee.

As you go through this, be very careful of your relationships. I recommend abstaining from relationships for a while. This is because your "chooser" is probably broken or not functioning. You will probably be a magnet for abusive people. And because "familiar" to you means someone who is abusive. Take everything slowly. Don't jump into any relationships and SELECT, don't settle. Instead of wanting to be attractive to someone, think: is this person right for ME? Look for CHARACTER, not personality. Personality is the icing on the cake, but character is the cake. If someone seems like your immediate soulmate and it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And if something feels weird, back out immediately. Get into relationships very slowly so you can terminate them before they get too deep. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT TERMINATING RELATIONSHIPS. Telling someone that it's not working out for you is perfectly healthy and healthy people have the ability to do this. They move on if a situation isn't good for them, rather than waiting for something to get better because, by golly, healthy people know they are good enough and they don't have to twist themselves into knots to make a relationship work. The right person will appreciate them for who they are.

The right person will hang around and get to know you at a slow pace.

When you are not in a relationship, make a list of things you are not willing to surrender to a relationship. Things like hobbies, interests, friends, automomy. Where are your boundaries? Do not do anything for someone that they should do for themselves, like be an adult. Having an impartial list means you don't compromise yourself. It will keep you honest.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
Irony is, I was always told I was "nuts" or "crazy" for not enjoying these "vacations." Being abused in a vacation destination doesn't make it any fucking better. They went all the time off season when there was nothing to do(less crowds bc autard, although we went on season as well), it was a 3 hr car ride with tard who could decide to smack me and/or my other sister any minute (it was a minivan, parents up front, me and other sister in middle, tard in back). It meant having to "occupy" my other sister who was 8 years younger than me (the one whos adopted and not a tard) because my parents never taught her to occupy herself, so she felt entitled to have me entertain her whenever her whim striked. I was still expected to entertain her at home, but that duty was double expected on these trips bc they had to care for the tard (and having to entertain a highly energized toddler is NOT a fucking vacation), not only were these trips scary, they were fucking hard work and I wanted no parts. As a child many of my class and camp mates went to the same area for vacation, and they all had so much fun there and couldn't understand why I hated it, as a kid it made me question my own sanity.

If that's a vacation, then I don't want it.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
Quote

Irony is, I was always told I was "nuts" or "crazy" for not enjoying these "vacations." Being abused in a vacation destination doesn't make it any fucking better.

Of course it doesn't.

This is all pretty standard stuff for abusive people and abusive families. Physical abuse is horrible, but being told throughout your childhood that you have to deny reality or else you will be punished is mental abuse. It is very damaging long term because you don't know what's normal and it takes a while to learn that. This is why therapy is a must for you.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
good for ditching them all!!!
but, I am hoping you have some security in place.
I don't think these bastards are doing to let you go in peace... and bell said, get as far away as possible.
but mostly, watch your back. when they realize you will not interact with them, expect some form of escalation.
and yeah, don't let them dump tardleigh on you at any point in time.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes in life it's the only weapon we have. Roger Rabbit

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 05, 2021
Quote
twocents
good for ditching them all!!!
but, I am hoping you have some security in place.
I don't think these bastards are doing to let you go in peace... and bell said, get as far away as possible.
but mostly, watch your back. when they realize you will not interact with them, expect some form of escalation.
and yeah, don't let them dump tardleigh on you at any point in time.

She's in a group home so they were not expecting me to physically care for her or have her live in my home, they just wanted me to be her legal guardian after they pass, on the surface it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but it's alot of fucking work, there's always something my parents need to deal with as her guardians.

I don't mind sending Xmas and bday gifts, and calling once in a blue moon to make sure her group home hasn't blown up or burned down, but nothing beyond that, I don't want to be responsible for any other human, tard or not.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 06, 2021
Quote
ladybug2203
Quote
twocents
good for ditching them all!!!
but, I am hoping you have some security in place.
I don't think these bastards are doing to let you go in peace... and bell said, get as far away as possible.
but mostly, watch your back. when they realize you will not interact with them, expect some form of escalation.
and yeah, don't let them dump tardleigh on you at any point in time.

She's in a group home so they were not expecting me to physically care for her or have her live in my home, they just wanted me to be her legal guardian after they pass, on the surface it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but it's alot of fucking work, there's always something my parents need to deal with as her guardians.

I don't mind sending Xmas and bday gifts, and calling once in a blue moon to make sure her group home hasn't blown up or burned down, but nothing beyond that, I don't want to be responsible for any other human, tard or not.

No. No contact or involvement with Tardleigh is best. No gifts. Not your kid, not your concern. Don't accept becoming legal guardian; it's a trap.

Depending on where you are, any contact could be construed as accepting responsibility. Don't underestimate how hard the home or government will try to hold you accountable if you're in contact, let alone having legal authority to make decisions for Tardleigh. Just stay away.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 06, 2021
Quote
kman
Quote
ladybug2203
Quote
twocents
good for ditching them all!!!
but, I am hoping you have some security in place.
I don't think these bastards are doing to let you go in peace... and bell said, get as far away as possible.
but mostly, watch your back. when they realize you will not interact with them, expect some form of escalation.
and yeah, don't let them dump tardleigh on you at any point in time.

She's in a group home so they were not expecting me to physically care for her or have her live in my home, they just wanted me to be her legal guardian after they pass, on the surface it doesn't seem like a huge deal, but it's alot of fucking work, there's always something my parents need to deal with as her guardians.

I don't mind sending Xmas and bday gifts, and calling once in a blue moon to make sure her group home hasn't blown up or burned down, but nothing beyond that, I don't want to be responsible for any other human, tard or not.

No. No contact or involvement with Tardleigh is best. No gifts. Not your kid, not your concern. Don't accept becoming legal guardian; it's a trap.

Depending on where you are, any contact could be construed as accepting responsibility. Don't underestimate how hard the home or government will try to hold you accountable if you're in contact, let alone having legal authority to make decisions for Tardleigh. Just stay away.

I'm in the northeast US, I never intended on taking guardianship. I worked in a group home several years ago (not hers) obviously not my first choice job, but this was when were in the recession 10 years back (though the residents were super easy, none of them were violent), and the residents who's siblings or parents didn't take guardianship had a "guardian at litum" (basically a state appointed attorney who makes medical and legal decisions for them). I can't be guardian if my family doesn't have my number or address winking smiley

Her group home actually treats her quite well, they throw huge birthday parties for her (and other residents) every year.

Luckily I'll be off the hook with visiting, my sister doesn't like visitors. In her autard mind, me and my folks are not "supposed" to be in her group home and she'll get upset if we are there, likewise if her aides are in my parents home when she visits them she gets upset.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 06, 2021
I would reconsider even that. Any contact, even the slightest, seems to be like ripping off a bandage giving them permission to start all over. I would recommend raisedbynarcissists over in reddit and read these posts. even with the best intentions, these families are so toxic, any contact is like ripping off the cover of a toxic waste dump. It all spews out again. just be careful.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes in life it's the only weapon we have. Roger Rabbit

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 06, 2021
Quote
twocents
I would reconsider even that. Any contact, even the slightest, seems to be like ripping off a bandage giving them permission to start all over. I would recommend raisedbynarcissists over in reddit and read these posts. even with the best intentions, these families are so toxic, any contact is like ripping off the cover of a toxic waste dump. It all spews out again. just be careful.

Let me clarify, I intended on sending Xmas and bday gifts after both my parents have passed (if she's still alive, she gets grand Mal seizures and can pass away at any time), I won't do anything as long as my parents are alive, but I will NOT be legal guardian. Like I said, on paper it looks like a miniscule/easy job, but even with her living in the group home and aides being responsible for her physical day to day care, being guardian is a fuck ton of work and you have to basically be on standby til the next crisis comes up.

I will look into the "raised by narcissists" subreddit, I've been exploring the "justnofamily" one

We did grow up financially well off, my parents always got me an excessive amount of expensive toys and clothes to shut me up basically, and whenever I bought up the grave injustice of our family situation, I was "ungrateful" bc of all the plastic shiney shit they got me. It took me a fuck ton of time to not be held hostage to gifts and to learn it's okay to refuse them (they kept offering to do a down payment on a house or condo for me I vehemently refused thank goodness). When I began pulling away as an adult my mom would start buying me an excess amount of clothes that I didn't need, to this day I have trouble accepting gifts from people because I believe theres always a catch or an ulterior motive. Took me a long time to learn that a true gift or act of kindness requires nothing in return. In their logic: I shouldn't have PTSD or any trauma bc they bought me a ton of shit (yeah, it so doesn't work that way).
Good on you for cutting ties. bell_flower already hit the major points that came to mind (careful about relationships, hefty huge doses of therapy as you figure out what healthy and normal are for you). I'm with thom about moving. You say you're in NE USA...maybe consider moving west so you can put a few time zones between you and your family of origin. Basically disappear: keep your phone and address unpublished (though that's getting harder and harder these days), block them on any/all social media & remove any face photos, etc.

You've got between now and December to start planning your escape. Save money, research jobs (or how to take yours with you if it's portable), look at apartments, find out the grace period to switch over car license plates, all that jazz. Have it all lined up so that when your lease is up you can just pull the lever on that escape hatch and GO.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 06, 2021
Quote
randomcfchick
Good on you for cutting ties. bell_flower already hit the major points that came to mind (careful about relationships, hefty huge doses of therapy as you figure out what healthy and normal are for you). I'm with thom about moving. You say you're in NE USA...maybe consider moving west so you can put a few time zones between you and your family of origin. Basically disappear: keep your phone and address unpublished (though that's getting harder and harder these days), block them on any/all social media & remove any face photos, etc.

You've got between now and December to start planning your escape. Save money, research jobs (or how to take yours with you if it's portable), look at apartments, find out the grace period to switch over car license plates, all that jazz. Have it all lined up so that when your lease is up you can just pull the lever on that escape hatch and GO.

Adding to my above comment, another reason I was "ungrateful" was because of the swimming and horseback riding lessons they got me... HOWEVER, I had to go to tard swimming and horseback riding lessons, so both me and tardleigh could do it and my mom wouldn't have to make two trips (she admitted she exaggerated my "learning disability" to the staff at both swimming and horseback so they'd take both me and my sister), and they wonder why I had poor social skills ... I had to take lessons at tard facilities (think special Olympics). With swimming lessons, mom forced me to change inside bathroom stall in the LADIES locker room because other moms would bring their Pervy tard adolescent/teenage sons in the ladies locker room, all of this so she wouldn't have to make two trips.

I had the same idea, I lived in Cali for 4 years (college) and I really didn't care for it, I like it better for vacation rather than living. I was considering Seattle or Denver. Leaning towards Denver, I love nature and wildlife, and I don't mind some snow.

It sucks cuz I really like the NE (NOT bc of my family), I love NYC, love new england, love being within driving distance of so many states and cities.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 10, 2021
I love NE as well. but at this point, the snow is a turn off. I could always live where someone else shovels it.

There is also a narcissisim forum out there that is not reddit. Also a good source but it is a long time since I've been there. Frankly, it makes me so damn angry at what these kids suffer. And then you run into these fucking 'sacred famblee, sacred moo and duh' folk who try to force rrelations.

I just hope that media wakes up and starts to deal with just how vicious, subtle, and destructive these narcs are.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes in life it's the only weapon we have. Roger Rabbit

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
Those who are estranged from their family all have an event that is the straw that broke the camel's back. Irony is, my event that is "the straw that broke the camel's back" had nothing to do with my autard sister, rather my other (adopted) sister who is a narcissist. She was horrible to me growing up but as an adult became "fake-nice" to me, and she was rarely corrected for her behavior (I was told I was "too sensitive"). I'll give one example: when I was 24 and she was 16, I was struggling bad with my eating disorder (they all knew this) and had a huge fear of having my picture taken because I thought I was fat (I wasn't), my sister would snap pics of me without my consent because she found it funny to watch me have a panic attack (it was hugely distressing to me), it only stopped when we were all in the car and she took a pic of me without consent and I tried to throw her camera out the window on the highway (I understand that's extreme, but this was one of several nonconsensual pictures, and bc I was in a car I couldn't walk away/escape and had a really bad panic attack) , my dad stopped me but it wasn't until then that they put any effort into making her stop. I think at the time I needed more intensive care (like atleast partial hospitalization) for the eating disorder, but my father said no bc it meant I wouldn't have finished grad school in time (at the time they were supporting me through school).

Anyway fast forward 10 years later, they took me out for my birthday last month (it was more important to them than me, but I thought "why not, free meal"). A little background: I'm in my mid 30s and single (they aren't happy about this, they nagged me real bad in my mid 20s to get married and only stopped when I told them about my abortion years after it happened), non-autard sister is in a relationship for 7 years, my parents are DYING for a wedding in the family, they're all speculating that a ring is in the bag (the cynic in me doesn't believe anything until the ring is actually on her finger, and I think the guy is stalling, but that's a debate for another day). When she arrives to my bday dinner (late ofcourse) her first order of business was to ask my parents for money to help her buy an expensive watch for HIS birthday. Naively thought that'd be the end of it, NOPE, they then proceed to spend the whole damn "birthday dinner" discussing this hypothetical wedding (her poor bf wasn't even there to witness my family planning his life for him), debating between large vs small, destination vs local, brainstorming how to handle problem relatives at said wedding, dad was also advising him on what residencies he should take (basically a paid internship after med school, dad is a doctor and her boyfriend is in his last year of med school) when the bf isn't even there. I even got salty and asked "so how many dumps has he taken this past week?" The just gave me a horrified look and proceeded to wedding talk. I seriously wouldn't have minded if it was mentioned in passing, but this was the whole damned birthday dinner that they insisted I have. Like what was the point of me even being there?!

Another background: my car died in the fall and I was low on $$, so my parents helped me with the new car, but they told me NOT to mention it to my sister bc she'd get jealous (even though she had a fully functioning car given by them, I was badly financially strapped and desperately needed a car, where I live you need a car, so I agreed, car loans are hard bc I have poor credit which I've been working on the past 5 years, but have 2 years left til the bad stuff falls off, and since it was a car malfunction and not the result of an accident insurance wouldn't pay). So she's allowed to hijack my bday dinner but I have to hide the fact that they helped me with a car, she can't stand to not be the center of attention at all times, and my parents indulge that. My mother cut off contact with her sister for the exact same behavior (but somehow convinced herself it's different). I'm in a much better financial place now. This isn't the first time I've been asked to hide an accomplishment or something nice I got to protect her feelings, but she can be as much of a braggart as she pleases.

I know it may seem petty, but the fact that I'm overshadowed on my own bday bc I'm single and didn't give them the wedding of their dreams, I've had enough and I'm done.

I feel sorry for my sister's boyfriend, he's actually a nice kid (but he's a "yes-man")and deserves better than my sister. His parents are pressuring him to marry too. His father is a jewelry maker so he'd get an engagement ring for free (most grooms to be have to save up), so I think he's stalling, I understand wanting to be established financially before marriage, but he could always do a long term engagement til he's finished med school and/or residency. And I think 7 years is plenty time to know if you want to marry this person or not, I hope he wises up before then....

Even more irony; I'm the only one of the three daughters that never assaulted my mother (autard attacked her many times, and my narc adopted sister once pushed my mother into the wall in high school when she didn't get her way over something), and I never laid a hand on my mother.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
most of this is on your parents but I think you know this. better peace, quiet of solitude than the acidic drips of these peoples tongues.
that guy needs to dump your sister. you are going to be witnessing the next generation of dysfunction.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Sometimes in life it's the only weapon we have. Roger Rabbit

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
Quote
twocents
most of this is on your parents but I think you know this. better peace, quiet of solitude than the acidic drips of these peoples tongues.
that guy needs to dump your sister. you are going to be witnessing the next generation of dysfunction.

I won't be around to witness it. He actually did dump her once during his first year of med school claiming "lack of time" but 6 weeks later they got back together (his parents really like her and it's speculated that they pressured him, but don't know for certain).

Also when they initially got together, he wanted a casual/labeless thing, but she gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to be bf/gf.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
You should change your name and get a new social security number after you leave town. It'll make it harder for them to track you down.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
Quote
JoJo
You should change your name and get a new social security number after you leave town. It'll make it harder for them to track you down.

I actually haven't heard from them, in the past when I was upset with them, they'd immediately (like within days) call me up to gaslight/yell at me into submission and rewrite history, but I haven't heard from them at all, I think it's bc they know they're wrong and are too prideful to apologize (my dad has apologized when he did something wrong before, but my mother has a strict no apology policy, she will NEVER apologize for anything, she doesn't apologize, period), but even if they did it's too little too late. I MIGHT have been inclined if a sincere apology and accountability took place within a week or less, but It's been almost a month. And they've never gone this long without try to gaslight me, likely bc they have zero excuses and their ego is more important than their daughter.

And even though there are two of us "non-disabled" daughters, they wanted me to be the guardian. Even though my other sister is younger (and therefore will likely be around longer) and way closer with autard sister than I am, they wanted me to do it because I'm the "responsible one." My non autard sister is a major fart brain, forgets things easily, in college needed constant reminders to keep up with her classes and just barely graduated by the skin of her teeth (while I got multiple degrees and kept on top of my school work and grades up without anyone prompting me), I also have a very good memory and remember everything I'm supposed to do and do it in a timely fashion, while other sister always "forgets," I'm the "responsible one" but still bad for not giving them their dream wedding in a timely fashion, and double bad for not having kids (other sister wants kids, but she has zero child care experience and I don't see it ending well at all). But alas, their daughter who will (if she's not dumped) give them their dream wedding can be guardian to the tard.


And they're conveniently forgetting, their dream wedding is possible because of ME. Allow me to explain... My autard sister started to get real bad when she was about 9 and I was 11, and was placed in residential facility 2 years later (but still "visited" home frequently, so it was almost like she never left), and my other non-tard sister is 8 years younger than me, so she was between 3-5 when this was all going down. In her defense, I took child development classes, so I know most people don't have much if any memories from before the age of 5 or so, so she probably doesn't remember much of it (especially considering how forgetful she is). My autard sis mostly attacked her (I speculate because she was small, easy target and wouldn't/couldn't fight back), it was a near daily occurrence that I had to be a physical barrier and protect her, and stay locked with her in my room for multiple hours a day when autard went on a violent rampage. One time, youngest sister was watching tv and eating a snack (she was 4) in the dining room quietly minding her own business, with zero provocation autard hit her in the head WHILE she was eating and hit her in the head so hard she fell backwards while in the chair (chair fell with her), I was in the kitchen trying to get the cockatiel I had at the time out, I quickly put bird back and was quickly grabbed my sister before autard could hurt her more (I was in the room so could more quickly get there before mom did, mom came as quickly as she could but she was further away than I was) it takes VERY little to cause serious head injury (which could.mean lifetime of disability or even death) to a 4 year old, this was one of several and regular incidents. And the attacks were ALWAYS to her head.

So I may have saved her life, so their dream wedding is possible because of ME. You're welcome asshats. Head injuries take very very little impact, especially on a small child, and they can cause permanent disability or even death.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 11, 2021
Quote
ladybug2203
So I may have saved her life, so their dream wedding is possible because of ME. You're welcome asshats. Head injuries take very very little impact, especially on a small child, and they can cause permanent disability or even death.

This is possibly the reason why your sib is so forgetful. After a stroke and several falls, I have the memory of a gold fish.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 14, 2021
Congratulations on the NC success ladybug2203!
Quote
ladybug2203
Took me a long time to learn that a true gift or act of kindness requires nothing in return. In their logic: I shouldn't have PTSD or any trauma bc they bought me a ton of shit (yeah, it so doesn't work that way).

This is a great realization. More details: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-me-in-we/201405/generosity-and-its-pathological-variants

Doing everything in their power to make you feel "less than" seems to be a nparent go to. Even if you have a learning disability many do not affect your intelligence. Lots of intelligent people have ADHD or dyslexia.

Also, nparents seem very keen to constantly tell their children how much they sacrificed/sacrifice for them. It is another manipulation tactic. As if this sacrificing makes them martyrs and not parents. A big part of being a parent is all those sacrifices. Good parents don't use these sacrifices to manipulate and guilt trip their kids.

Lots of articles about this on the web:
https://www.newser.com/story/212641/parents-stop-talking-about-the-sacrifices-you-make.html
https://www.distractify.com/p/sanctimonious-moms-annoying
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/6cfd9e/i_gave_birth_to_you_and_sacrificed_so_much/

Relationships shouldn't be a power struggle. Power makes a terrible gift: https://relentlessdawn.wordpress.com/2019/05/25/power-makes-a-terrible-gift/

Quote
ladybug2203
I also have a very good memory and remember everything I'm supposed to do and do it in a timely fashion, while other sister always "forgets," I'm the "responsible one" but still bad for not giving them their dream wedding in a timely fashion, and double bad for not having kids (other sister wants kids, but she has zero child care experience and I don't see it ending well at all).

Your parents choose to think of you as double bad for not having kids. This is their choice. If you can, think of it this way. It is an attempt to control you. Guilt trip attempts: look at what you made me do! If you didn't do XXXXXX in the first place I wouldn't have to do XXXXXXXX. As adults, you aren't responsible for your parent's well being and they aren't responsible for yours.
Congratulations! Hope you can relax for the remainder of your life.
Re: Better late then never, finally cut ties with my toxic family.
June 20, 2021
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.

Click here to login