Resumes are Haaaard

I work in a design field. Let me tell you, if I had a dollar for every time some idiot woman calls our business and says, "Ya'll do resumes thar?", I'd give Bill Gates a run for his money.
I get yet ANOTHER call like this today:

"Um, ya'll do resumes?"
I say, "You mean print them out?"
"Yep"
"Sure, black and white copies are 10 cents each."
"Naw, wait, uh....I ain't actually got one wrote up."
"Sorry?"
"What I mean is, I need ya'll to help me write one cuz I dunno how to write one."
"Um....well, we'd charge you a typesetting fee to type up your information if we actually have to do this ourselves."
"I ain't actually got info written up."
"Oh, so let me get this straight - you don't have one done, you don't actually know how to do it, and you want us to write it, type it, and print it."
"Uh, yep."
"Ma'am, let me make a suggestion..."
*Multiple sprogs start SCREAMING in the background*
"Ya'll sit down and shaddup! Da-yum! Now, uh, what was you sayin'?"

At this point I try to explain that there are multitudes of resume examples on the internet and she could look at those to get some ideas. I'm interrupted at least three more times by her screaming at her darling little crotch-tots.
I'm tempted to scream, "I wouldn't even bother making a resume because no one in their right mind would hire a brain-dead, illiterate cow whose one and only talent is spreading her legs and crapping out brats! Now don't you need to get off the phone so you can change some diapers and collect a welfare check?!"

But we get these calls multiple times a week at my company. Weep for the future, my friends!

Why aren't breeders able to talk on the phone without their sprogs constantly interrupting? What about these women who dial out WITH THE KID ON THE OTHER HIP

I am always getting resumes that read,

I am CEO, CFO, and CIO of a family of (fill in blank).
I am well versed in conflict resolution, verbal soothing, and multi-tasking.

My education is the University of Motherhood. I have a doctorates.


Experience: Twelve years of marriage and motherhood.


Yes, I have received several resumes over the past few years, that are similar in nature the what I typed above. It is like some moo started a resume service out of her home and got the rest of the moo's to believe this is actually a good resume.

Annie, at one time I would have thought no one could be that stupid. But since I deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis, I completely believe it.

'Conflict resolution'?? Uh, business conflicts require a bit more than just breaking up the brats when they argue over watching Sponge Bob or Sesame Street.

'Verbal Soothing'? "Mis'taak, stop shoving those nuggets up your nose!!!"

No thanks, mommies. Stay out of the corporate world. We have no use for your laziness.

Those are good qualifications for a job at a daycare, MAYBE, but they'll all want to get a job as The Boss. It is also very unprofessional to talk in metaphors like that.

What kind of job are they applying for at your company?

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

poofy_puff Wrote:
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> Those are good qualifications for a job at a
> daycare, MAYBE, but they'll all want to get a job
> as The Boss. It is also very unprofessional to
> talk in metaphors like that.
>
> What kind of job are they applying for at your
> company?


I have had job openings for receptionist, sales assistant, order specialist ( placing order and managing inventory for customers), and also for analyst postions.

I get some breederific resumes.

They really start to squirm when they open by talking about their kids and then notice the only pictures in my office are of adults and motorcycles. Once they realize I am not interested in their kids, that I am interested in their ability to do the job, they get nervous.

Other than receptionist (which is sometimes an entry-level position), those other jobs require specific skills, training, and OJE. I doubt picking up toys and dirty unmentionables prepares one for managing customers' inventory.

It's like saying that washing your own dishes qualifies you as a lab tech. OTOH, a monkey on crystal meth could do MY job (I'm a lab tech), but I still wouldn't have gotten hired if I had JUST got my degree and spent twelve years chasing rugrats.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

Often breeders spend so much time on personal calls they are entirely useless as recep/admin.

I have had PLENTY of calls at my appraisal business asking if we were "hiring"appraisers.. ANYONE in the real estate field, even someone who only answered phones for a summer while in high school, SHOULD be well aware that an agent, broker, appraiser, etc.......has to have educational REQUIRED hours, and pass a written state exam and get a license for that state. That's like calling a hospital and asking f they are hiring nurses, when the fucker has no degree NOR do they have a fucking license to practice in that state. I usually just said, "No, not at this time", but when I was in the mood to be rude and had the time I would ask, "Do you have a license?". Of course they would say no and THEN would ask, "How do you go about getting one?". MY GOD, if you don't know that 1)You have to have a license, and 2)How to go about getting one, then you OBVIOUSLY have zero experience and couldn't pass any test in the required classes or the state exam in the first damned place. NOR would they know any broker they could hang their license under during the apprenticeship period. I HATE THESE PEOPLE, and they are nearly always single moos who want to "make their own hours".

When I managed a restaurant I'd get the noon time calls that would take me away from a busy kitchen, or helping servers, or dealing with customers, etc.......for a "manager call". When the stupid fucker on the other end said, "Are Ya'll hirin'", I'd hit the roof. I would say, "If you call a restaurant during a busy lunch time then I have to assume you have NO restaurant experience and I am only hiring experienced people right now." If they then said that they DID have experience, which they often did, I would say, "Then you will obviously be one of those people who don't understand that customers come first, rather than employees, so I am afraid you wouldn't do well under my management", CLICK.

Are these cows aware that, if you want to get someone's attention during a business presentation, shrilly screaming at them to "shut up and listen to me!" is not going to impress the client?

...Neither will grabbing the wrist of the marketing director, twisting his arm above his head, and jerking him backwards to stop him walking out on your poorly-designed presentation work in their favour.

...Neither will their colleagues put up her constant attempts to improve them with pleas to "sit up straight. Chew with your mouth closed. Tuck your shirt in. Say please. Say sorry. Say yes not yeah."

...And spanking the photocopy operator for not getting your document duped in time will probably get them fired.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

poofy_puff Wrote:
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> Other than receptionist (which is sometimes an
> entry-level position), those other jobs require
> specific skills, training, and OJE. I doubt
> picking up toys and dirty unmentionables prepares
> one for managing customers' inventory.
>
> It's like saying that washing your own dishes
> qualifies you as a lab tech. OTOH, a monkey on
> crystal meth could do MY job (I'm a lab tech), but
> I still wouldn't have gotten hired if I had JUST
> got my degree and spent twelve years chasing
> rugrats.



I have even heard, I manage a budget at home successfully, so I can manage inventory. Hell no you can't, balancing a checkbook is not the same as handling millions in inventory, trying to improve turns, all while trying to find cheaper and more cost effective ways to move freight.
Breeders really think that screw trophies qualify them to do anything in the world, no college or experience needed.

Well, to be honest, I'm sure resumes are quite hard ... when you're stupid.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Annie, I really wanted to say to the retarded breeder on the phone, "Have you considered working at McDonald's? You probably are already adept at microwaving frozen hashbrowns and the best part is no resume required."

It really is getting bad, though. I had to help my boss go through a pile of resumes a few months ago and all the applicants had at least _some_ kind of criminal record. Some were worse than others, of course. But even the "best" one (I use the term best quite lightly) out of the bunch did a brief stint in county lock-up due to 'indecent exposure'. I still think I'd hire Mr. Flasher before I'd hire a brain-dead mommy, though. s

I can not get over how moomies with no work experience(to speak of) or formal post high school education actually think that "running a household" qualifies them for a position doing anything important or competitive within a commercial business. I think this new cutesy trend of calling themselves "domestic engineers" and whatnot is ridiculous. What I would like for them to at least try and comprehend is that people who have NO kyds do one or more the following on a regular basis.

1)Errands
2)Laundry
3)Prepare meals
4)Clean house
5)Yardwork
6)Balance a checkbook
7)'MANAGE" household functions such as parties, dinner for guests, deal with repairmen, painters, pool boys, newspaper deliveries, signing for packages, etc.......
8)Have sex with their spouses
9)Shop for clothing and household items
10)Take showers and handle personal grooming and take care of their appearance

IN ADDITION to all of that "work experience," everyone ELSE in the office has a degree, specialized diploma, continued education of some sort, time on the job, years of experience, or all of those or any combination thereof. IN ADDITION to that, people without kyds or responsible employees WITH kyds have PROVEN work records which preceed them that they don't have to be off by 2:30 to pick up kyds, don't miss an excessive amount of days from work due to kyds or "household" responsibilities, don't take extended leaves of absences to birth baybees, don't run up company insurance costs with all of their preggo/kiddie related bullshit, don't insist on being pushed to the front of the list in regards to holidays off, don't demand pumping rooms or company paid leave to run downtown to a daycare and nurse their attachment parented kyd,etc......

Now, let's see, WHICH new employee would I hire, a CF with actual work experince or a "domestic engineer"? It's really a no brainer and moomies who have no recent work experience or education are a COMPLETE waste of company time and money and do nothing but lower the morale of all of the current employees. I have purposely not hired moocows before and if the situation ever arose, I wouldn't hire them again. I have worked with WAY too many of them in the past and have seen their bullshit in action, NO THANKS.

annie35 Wrote:
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> I am always getting resumes that read,
>
> I am CEO, CFO, and CIO of a family of (fill in
> blank).
> I am well versed in conflict resolution, verbal
> soothing, and multi-tasking.
>
> My education is the University of Motherhood. I
> have a doctorates.
> moo's to believe this is actually a good resume.

I used to throw those resumes in the trash. I screened all the mail for various departments in the company. I also remember tossing out resumes of men who put down that they had a wife and 'x' number of kids. As if they expected to be hired over someone else who didn't have a family. That is just plain wrong, trying to use your marriage and kids to trump someone else to get a job.

Amethyst Wrote:
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>
> ...And spanking the photocopy operator for not
> getting your document duped in time will probably
> get them fired.

Actually, there is a great demand for people with spanking experience (both giving and receiviing), and I hear it pays pretty well, AND you can make your own hours.

The only problem is, most moos have very little experience doing that too, just like everything else.

poofy_puff Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Other than receptionist (which is sometimes an
> entry-level position), those other jobs require
> specific skills, training, and OJE. I doubt
> picking up toys and dirty unmentionables prepares
> one for managing customers' inventory.
>

Even receptionists are required to have certain skills nowadays. There are lots of moos trying to get receptionist jobs. I was at a temp agency and there was an older moo (probably one of those "displaced homemakers") ranting at the agency about why they wouldn't place her in a receptionist position. Apparently, it was because she didn't know Microsoft Office Suite.

Yes, that is why I said it is "sometimes" an EL job. There are other types of reception positions that can be almost as prestigious as the person whom they're working for.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

In the UK, most of the jobs in public sector prefers breeders other than Childfree people because they think breeders are more valuable to the company. The only downfall is that these breeders gets all this moo-leave and extra days-off and time-off because of school issues.

In reality in the UK is most Childfree people are unemployable because most companies prefere professional maritial status like married and kids.

In reality the Childfree people the most valuable people because they are more dedicated people also they put more hours to benefit the company.

This reminds me of one of the rant:
http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/read.php?2,34463,page=1

I use to help people find work when I was a volunteer and 1/2 of the unemployed are single moos. They even put on their Resume "I have a child and I have experience of being a parent" which only suitable for Childcare or Nursey jobs.

Well here in the US, its unlawful for an employer to ask during an interview if you are married or have kids. (This law applies to companies with more than 15 full time employees).

I'm glad too. Before these laws were passed, I was once denied a job based on the fact that I wasn't married.

They have ways of asking those questions without asking them.

Exactly. The standard "so tell me about yourself" line usually is all it takes to get these parents (particularly women) talking about their kids.

They also say things like, "Would you be available [these hours]" or "How much notice would you need in order to work overtime" or "Do you need a flexible schedule". All these questions are strictly work-related as far as the law is concerned, but they are designed to get people talking about their family situation.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

HA! Me too, when I worked for one of the big 6 accounting firms as their LAN admin, I had to open all the mail (yes the LAN admin opening the mail). I didn't mind because I got to throw away all the shitty resumes. Some of them were real gems. LOL

You know, thinking about it, I'm sure there is a website hall of fame out there on the net somewhere, a tasty collection of all the ridiculous resumes companys have received over the years.

I'll have to look for it..............



casseyrod Wrote:
..............."I used to throw those resumes in the trash. I
> screened all the mail for various departments in
> the company. I also remember tossing out resumes
> of men who put down that they had a wife and 'x'
> number of kids. As if they expected to be hired
> over someone else who didn't have a family. That
> is just plain wrong, trying to use your marriage
> and kids to trump someone else to get a job."

KidFreeLuvnLife Wrote:
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> HA! Me too, when I worked for one of the big 6
> accounting firms as their LAN admin, I had to open
> all the mail (yes the LAN admin opening the mail).
> I didn't mind because I got to throw away all the
> shitty resumes. Some of them were real gems. LOL

Its also amazing how many people out there can't spell correctly to save their life.

I got a lot of enjoyment out of tossing the SAHM resumes!