Ethical (?) Dilemma (personal rant)

OK, caveat up front: I know I do tend to get hung up on perceived family slights.

That said, here's the deal. My DH and I had our first anniversary yesterday. It was good. We had a great lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant and went for a long walk in our favorite park and later had champagne and were silly. A great day, just our style.

During champagne we opened a very nice card we'd received from DH's parents the day before and two big boxes they'd sent us as presents. One had a gorgeous cream afghan knitted by his aunt. It was a real paragon of knitting skill, with cables and popcorn stitches and decorative details way beyond my amateur knitting skills. The other box held a multicolor afghan knitted by DH's grandmom, now passed away. It was more a homemade style but he was touched by it--and it was in pristine condition. Clearly it had been carefully tended over the years and is now our prized possession along with the other beautiful afghan.

We received no cards from my parents or sister. No phone calls or emails with good wishes. Nothing.

Sunday we are expected at my sister's house to celebrate her son's 7th birthday. We went shopping today for gifts for him. My mom sent me an email today asking for confirmation that we were going.

Now, we didn't make a secret of getting married a year ago--they all knew. It was a courthouse ceremony because we aren't into ceremonies in general but I had 2 friends there and it was very nice in its way. No gifts from family then, either. When my sis married I brought home from Korea (where I was teaching at the time) a piece of mother of pearl furniture for her present.

I don't care about getting an X worth $Y. I do care about a perceived lack of respect for a marriage to a wonderful, steady, funny, intelligent, sweet man who takes excellent care of me. I could be too touchy.

It's also my second (his first) marriage, after my first utterly disastrous marriage crashed and burned in less than a year. So getting to a year, after that truly unspeakable and ill-thought-out (on my part) experience, means a lot to me.

It just rankles that no one in my family bothered to send even a small, funny/thoughtful present (such as a pack of pretty notecards, which I would love and use) commemorating our special day--much less a card--but it is expected that we show up in person to dole out the latest round of presents for one of her 2 kids.

I'm sorely tempted to just chuck it but it would upset my aged mom and I don't want that, so I will suck it up and go there as usual.

But I resent it.

I feel your pain. My husband and I just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary last week and NO ONE in my famblee acknowledged it, but they didn't acknowledge the first anniversary either. I realize that I have been married before, but they HATE that bastard yet they still sent him birthday cards with money and acknowledged our anniversary for over TEN YEARS. We draw names at Thanksgiving each year and the first Christmas ***I**** drew my husband's name. Not one of my family gave him ANYTHING, which I thought was a shitty way to welcome him into our famblee. Then, when his birthday came in February, not even a card. Same thing this last year. Of course they shower my once (and still) married sister and her 2 kids and her husband with individual anniversary gifts AND birthday gifts and have for nearly 15 years.

This is very hurtful to me. I wish they would understand that the latest husband has birth days and an anniversary too and he is a seperate and individual person who was not privvy to all of their gifts to other husbands and to me as part of a couple in the past. Even if I was still married to the last one, they would still send him gifts, so I don't understand this slighting of my new man. It's not that they have a one time married and that's it motto either, because I was married 8 years to the first one and briefly for a year to another one, and THOSE husbands didn't get slighted in the gift department. They like this one the best of all, so none of it makes sense unless they just don't care anymore or figure, why bother? I don't know their reason, but they WILL pay for it, of that I promise.

It hurts me and I KNOW it hurts my husband and it embarrasses the hell out of me more than anything else because his famblee OVER showers me with gifts, while my poor DH sits there with my famblee with no present to unwrap as he watches them unwrap all of theirs. To top it ALL off, my dad always passes out $100 bills to my sisters and me with our names on the money envelope, so even that gift can't be considered "his", or I would have made sure he thought it was his gift. MY GOD they are being such selfish and thoughtless bastards and I never would have expected it. I might just outright ask them if I get in the right mood when I go visit in a month. I just hope it doesn't "pop out" after I have swilled back some vodka though because it could get right ugly having been building up for over 2 years.

This is the problem with childed relatives and grandparunts--you are expected to put out for gifts for Bratleigh every time you turn around. Mum even gets ahold of you by e-mail to confirm. What the hell is this, a fucking stalag? These people do not respect your marriage and have made it very clear. I'm not hung up on the price of a gift but a gift for you two on your special day (I think anniversaries are special--DH and I just passed our first, too) shows that no one can be arsed to make the day a little happier and special for the two of you. My kudos to DH's family for the thoughtful gifts.

I am tired of seeing this shit...it's like anyone who doesn't have sprogs well, they don't count. This sucks. I don't really count to my in-laws, so my DH and I are sort of a little army of two. My mum would be sending a card whatever, but she died in May. It is so sad that famblees are like this...and they wonder why so many CF think all this famblee togetherness and all is bullshit.

For what it is worth, DH and I hope you had a great anniversary. His family seems really nice. Congrats from both of us!:bal

Hugs from me to you and your DH, kidlesskim, too. I just wish people would think about how they treat others,

The whole cards and presents thing is a minefield in any family.

The relatives who make their expectations and demands known are the ones who get all the cards and presents. The relatives who sit quietly and politely, don't fish for gifts or demand attention, and who actually thank the people who send them things are the ones who are soon forgotten and dropped off everyone's card list. Card and present lists are relics of fear -- you do it half the time because you're afraid of being bawled out.

I continually crank out birthday, Xmas, mother's/father's day cards and gifts to my sister and husband, her three brats, my mom and my joke of a dad. All holidays, all the time, without fail. Not because I'm afraid of being bawled out but because I have very little family and I personally enjoy giving more than receiving. No thanks have ever come my way -- not from any of 'em. In fact my mom is the only one who ever reciprocates and bothers to send me Xmas and birthday cards/gifts.

Do I care? Call it middle age setting in but yeah it's really starting to annoy me now. My new year's resolution is going to be: No presents for the unthankful and no cards for the non-reciprocating. What are they going to do, accuse me of being stingy?? Haha! After they've spent 15, 16 years sending absolutely nothing to me??

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

I wonder if this is an American thing, because where I come from nobody sends people cards/gifts for wedding anniversaries unless it's the first, 25th, 50th etc, it's just the couple themselves who celebrate (at least in my family anyway, maybe others do it but I've never heard about it or witnessed it). My dad buys my mum a bouquet of flowers for theirs every year and sometimes they go out for dinner or something, but they've never received anything from friends or family for it, with the exception of their 25th anniversary several years ago, that time people sent cards. Nor have I seen them send something to friends/family for those people's anniversaries either. Is it a tradition/expectation to receive something for EVERY anniversary in the US?

I wish you all the best anyway :bal

We handle our own families but sign the cards together. That way no one knows who didn't bother for who.

I am sorry some of you have families who play the "exclusion game" - one of my in laws does it and this year it comes to an end. May the upcoming holidays be better - you know who matters.

Unfortunately, Clematis, I can top your story: My in-laws NEVER gave us a wedding present AT ALL, much less acknowledged our anniversaries. I didn't ask for a gift of course, but they did mention these two factors to us in conversation: 1. although it was my DH's first marriage, he was 40 and they said we didn't need anything; 2. they had to drive 4 hours to our wedding so they spent some money getting there, although we paid for their hotel room* and everyone else's who came and we had a sit-down dinner after our ceremony.

Either one is no excuse, really. It's entirely up to them whether they want to give a gift but etiquette says when you attend someone's wedding, you should give them something.

*The hotel makes for an interesting backstory. We paid for everyone's room on our wedding night at a mid-grade (Hilton) hotel. My in-laws came for two days. My FIL is the Cheapest Man Alive and although we negotiated a group rate, he thought $100 per night was "too expensive," even though he would have only paid for one night. (Yet, he will drive 400 miles out of his way to go to a Casino and they are constantly complaining how broke they are. But of course that doesn't stop them from buying shit for the grandbrats, particularly my loser BIL's brats, because he's twice divorced and just HAD TO breed with each wife.)

So what do the cheap in-laws do? Four of them stayed in a $59.00 room that was 45 minutes away from where everyone was staying. They ended up paying a comparable rate because the hotel where they stayed charged them for the additional adults. Way to save $ there, Dude, not to mention the gas and inconvenience of packing up and moving after each night.

I can't complain about my own family. I get birthday, Christmas and anniversary cards from them, plus a healthy check for each occasion. My relationship with my own parunts has become better over the years because I have time to spend with them and once it became apparent that the grandbrats are incapable of writing a thank-you note, no matter what the gift is. (Shame on my sisters, who were raised better than that.)

So my situation is different from yours because it's DH's family who don't do anything. So really, I just keep my mouth shut. When I got into this marriage, it made it clear to his family that I am not social chairman. Too many wives will pick up the slack and send cards and stuff to their husband's family, but that's not my job--it's his. So I tell them to talk to him. Not my battle.

But I have mentioned to DH that his parents should be kissing the ground he walks on. He has always been a good, dutiful son, (thank Todd they live 800 miles away) and he's been self-supporting since he was 22 years old. Unlike his jerkwad siblings, like the aforementioned BIL, who is on a heavy dose of economic outpatient care from his parents because he was too stupid to use birth control and control his family size to what he could afford.

But Clematis, since it's YOUR family, I would address it with them when your DH is not around. You could say something simple, even in a lighthearted, humorous way..."Hey, Mom, ever notice how I get calls expecting me to be at the sproggen's birthday, yet nobody remembered it's our anniversary?" You may want to cut back on the gifts and let them know why. If they are jerks, they'll be pissed but who wants to waste the $ on greedy jerks?

It's amazing how many non-childed get shit on by the breeders in their family. I myself spend more time with my parents, including taking care of elderly relatives, because my childed sibs can't be bothered.

I really appreciate all of the kind replies. That helps a lot to let me take a deep breath, let it drop and move on to more important things, like the new recipe I'm trying for dinner this evening and doing some fun fall stuff in the yard and enjoying time with DH. Thanks.

Arctic Fox: "I wonder if this is an American thing, because where I come from nobody sends people cards/gifts for wedding anniversaries unless it's the first, 25th, 50th etc, it's just the couple themselves who celebrate (at least in my family anyway, maybe others do it but I've never heard about it or witnessed it)."

Nope, I don't think it's an American thing, and your comment is really a good reality check. You are right--no one really sends presents to family members for an anniversary, and I think I was a little out of line to "expect" that; well, I didn't expect it, but I guess I was really touched by my in-laws' thoughtfulness in sending us some really wonderful family items to celebrate our anniversary. Meant a lot to both me and DH, much more so than any thing from a store. Very nice.

Kidlesskim: that is just messed up. I can't understand it. Not even a card? I'm sorry to hear that.

MerlynH: Hey, you just had a 1st too? May I wish you congratulations! That is great! Isn't it great to pass that 1st milestone? Best wishes!

Amethyst: "The whole cards and presents thing is a minefield in any family." How right you are. Your comment made me realize...hey, it's just a piece of paper. My parents are older, and at this point it's not worth the drama. Better to just enjoy time with them and not make a big deal out of it. Life goes on. Thanks.

RoseRed: That's a good system. Keeping that in mind.

Bell_flower: Your comment has the good message: pick your battles. Good thing to keep in mind. Heaven knows I have enough to keep track of just with the house and all.

Thanks to all for your comments. I will go and be perfectly pleasant tomorrow. My sis IS a good cook and always puts out a great spread, so there's that.

I've been married 24 years and during all that time I think the only one who ever acknowledged our anniversary was my mother-in-law. I have one sister and we do exchange gifts for the holidays and birthdays but always seem to forget each other's anniversaries. How is your relationship with your parents otherwise? Since this is your first anniversary maybe your parents just overlooked it. I do agree it would have been nice to have received some acknowledgment from your parents. But if your relationship is otherwise good, I would try not to let it get you down too much. Sounds like your have a great DH and I wish you many, many years of happiness

I was reading the first two letters and I got the feeling there was something more going on...the husband was described as: "wonderful, steady, funny, intelligent, sweet man who takes excellent care of me."

So, unspoken, but these sound like an avoidance of "he's black/oriental" etc. Something other than the birth family's race.

It's not an excuse for ignoring your relationship, but the whole story makes for clarity.

Greg: No, we're both white; he's 43, I'm 41. No big difference in class backgrounds or other types of factors that can come into play. He has treated my parents well on numerous visits and gets along particularly well with my mom.

clematis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Greg: No, we're both white; he's 43, I'm 41. No
> big difference in class backgrounds or other types
> of factors that can come into play. He has treated
> my parents well on numerous visits and gets along
> particularly well with my mom.


Same here. Mine is from a similar familial background, same race, successful business owner, smart, and quite frankly he is the tall dark and handsome type so it's not that he is ghastly or ugly or anything either. He is quiet, respectful, and well mannered and my father thinks he is the cat's meow because he is a former Eagle Scout. I don't know what their issues are but I truly hope it's just an oversight on their parts. I suppose it's possible that it's inadvertant as I have been accused of being rather paranoid in the past, but I don't think I am in this case. They could however just be afraid to get too attached considering my history. I have always made what appears to be cut and dried final decisions when I have left a spouse, but in reality I gave leaving vs "working it out" long hard consideration, but they don't know that.

Greg Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I was reading the first two letters and I got the
> feeling there was something more going on...the
> husband was described as: "wonderful, steady,
> funny, intelligent, sweet man who takes excellent
> care of me."
>
> So, unspoken, but these sound like an avoidance of
> "he's black/oriental" etc. Something other than
> the birth family's race.
>
> It's not an excuse for ignoring your relationship,
> but the whole story makes for clarity.

I'm not sure that's it: in my case, the problem in-law just doesn't feel like making an effort toward someone who does not have an extreme personal interest in her. Ergo, since I don't give a rat's ass about her life, and make no secret about it, the wagons have been circled. It can take one very noisy member of the herd to cause a stampede.