If circumstances were different.....

I find myself in a certain situation and wonder if any of you can relate.
I'm 31, female, and have never really had a strong desire for children. Even at a very young age, I told my mother I didn't want to have children. I've never changed a diaper or held a bottle. My father without asking me, once volunteered me to babysit for a friend's toddler when I was 13. I cut the kid's hair in protest and never changed his diaper (I didn't know how anyway). My father just assumed I would know how. (Sexist?)

My parents divorced when I was around 11 and I watched my mother who had been a SAHM, struggle to get back into the work force, pay the bills, look after her 2 children, and go back to school. She tried very hard and never took any handouts and that made me very proud of her. But it also affected me deeply. My mother was obviously exhausted and stressed out a great deal of the time. So one of my first impressions of motherhood was that it was extremely difficult and there are no guarantees that the other parent will be there to help out. (Divorce, abandonment, death, whatever) Suffice it to say, the thought of having children scared me to death. Every year I saw my mother struggle, was another nail in my uterus so to speak.

When I reached the age where my girlfriends were starting to get married and have children I was happy for them and maybe even a little envious. They had their husband and house and were going to start a family. But as time wore on I noticed my friends were exhausted, stressed out, that their husbands didn't help as much as they should, and of course money worries. My childed friends barely resemble the happy-go-lucky, fun, girlfriends I remember from just a few years ago. I don't expect them to have as much time for me, they have families and I understand that. To me it's really no different than when you and your girlfriends are all single and then one gets married and spends part of the time she used to spend with you with her husband. Your priorities shift. I understand that and if they're happy, I'm happy for them. However, they don't seem happy anymore, just tired and stressed.

Between what I witnessed with my mother and what my childed friends are going through now, it's not exactly a ringing endorsement for having children. It just frightens me even further.

I feel that if I knew that I had a husband that would support me 100% and be there for me and the child, and honestly help out, and we had decent jobs where finances were not a constant stressor, I would consider having a child. But because I highly doubt that situation will ever occur, I am pretty confident that I will never have children.

Do any of you feel this way or did in the past? I'm just curious if this is anyone else's main reason for not choosing parenthood.

Thanks so much!

"My mother was obviously exhausted and stressed out a great deal of the time. So one of my first impressions of motherhood was that it was extremely difficult and there are no guarantees that the other parent will be there to help out. (Divorce, abandonment, death, whatever)"
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Yes, I sure do feel this way and have experienced much of what you have written about. I always felt it was the short end of the stick staying home, doing chores, listening to a baybee whine and moan and clean up crap. I never saw the reward in that. While my parents divorced later in life, I never saw my mom as an equal, she was dependent on the wallet so to speak, had an allowance, chores, etc. Boring!!! But she told me women of her generation did that and she never regretted having us and caring for us and loved it. I think that is a good thing.

Today's woman have so many options! We have the power to be self-sufficient, educated, wordly even! Yet I find so many young women don't want to work, they just want to stay home and breed. How utterly boring!

I wanted to be free - like the wind. I wanted to come and go, to be excessive, vocal, youthful, educated, successful and powerful. I knew I could never do that with a baybee hanging off of me. Never. And in addition to that, I really do not like baybee's, toadlers, children or moody-assed teens. They are all ungrateful and don't even merit a second look or thought.

Take care!

I never liked kids even as a kid and I never played with dolls. Everyone's reason for not wanting kids is different, and if yours is valid for you, then that's all that matters. My family life was good so that was never a deterrent. I'd have to say that my reason is that kids just don't interest me at all. It's not that I am uncaring or unable to be nurturing - I have 6 cats and 2 dogs whom I fawn over, they are not kid "substitutes," though. I even talk to them like they are little, furry adults. LOL I LOVE my free time, money, and the fact that my ass and boobs are in exactly the same place they were in back in high school in 1984. I also don't like noise, chaos or sticky mitts all over everything. I also gag at the sight of baby drool and vomit. HORK

Despite whether or not you'd have a good hubby and finances, it sounds like kids aren't for you anyway, based on how you sound like you feel. Even if I were guaranteed the following: having a perfect child who would never give me problems EVER, would lose all the weight gained in pregnancy, have a spouse who would be 100% supportive, unlimited finances, I STILL would not be interested in having a child.

CFADinNYC Wrote:
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> _____________________________________________
>
>
> Today's woman have so many options! We have the
> power to be self-sufficient, educated, wordly
> even! Yet I find so many young women don't want
> to work, they just want to stay home and breed.
> How utterly boring!
>

I agree that women have way more options than just being a mother, and I definitely do enjoy my freedom and my free time.
Which is exactly why I don't understand how anyone would want children when you see tired, stressed out, unhappy parents everywhere everyday.

KidFreeLuvnLife Wrote:
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> I also don't like noise, chaos or sticky
> mitts all over everything. I also gag at the
> sight of baby drool and vomit. HORK
>
> Despite whether or not you'd have a good hubby and
> finances, it sounds like kids aren't for you
> anyway, based on how you sound like you feel.
> Even if I were guaranteed the following: having a
> perfect child who would never give me problems
> EVER, would lose all the weight gained in
> pregnancy, have a spouse who would be 100%
> supportive, unlimited finances, I STILL would not
> be interested in having a child.


When I was younger, I NEVER had any doubts about not wanting children. Nope, not for me! (For many of the same reasons you listed above) But as I age and now that I'm in a good relationship (it helps that he's not baby nuts), I find my brain and my ovaries are in constant conflict. I feel like my old logical self is being betrayed by my ovaries. Like I mentioned before, maybe if circumstances were perfect.....
Either way, I don't like feeling like this. Ughh!

I wasn't always CF. When I was younger I assumed I'd have kids because that's what everyone did. I have many reasons for being CF now, and can totally understand your reasons.

I agree that childrearing would be easier with 2 equally committed people, but I really don't think that most men are up to the task, even the ones who think they are. There is just too much conditioning in how men and women are raised to perceive family life.

I KNOW my DH would leave all the parenting shitwork to me if we sprogged. I can tell by the fact that he leaves most of the housework to me, and also by the comments he makes about BIL and SIL. He often blames SIL for the children's behavior, and I have to constantly point out that if his brother wasn't so busy ignoring the children, maybe HE could raise them too. Then DH says, "Well, he WORKS long hours." And I say, "SIL has a job too." But apparently DH doesn't consider her job (teacher) as important as BIL's job (chemical plant operator).

So yeah, there is no way in hell I'd sprog, knowing what I know. But there is nothing wrong with you for wondering what your life would be like if you sprogged with an "ideal" partner.

CF Scorpio Wrote:
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> > So yeah, there is no way in hell I'd sprog,
> knowing what I know. But there is nothing wrong
> with you for wondering what your life would be
> like if you sprogged with an "ideal" partner.


Thank you for your support. I'm feeling better now. I thought I was losing my mind!

Hi, Leeland -

I am happily married. My DH and I will celebrate our ninth anniversary next month, and he has always been very supportive of me and would be equally supportive of me if we had a child. But that's not enough to make me want to be a mother, and to make DH want to be a father.

I've always liked children and enjoy being an aunt very much, but I was never the type to have rose-colored dreams about being a mother someday. I had different goals.

I didn't rush to get married so I could have children. Instead, I spent eight years after graduating from college living on my own and starting a career.

My DH and I married when I was 30 and he was almost 30, and both of us agreed when we got engaged that although we'd probably have children "someday," we didn't want to have them for quite a few years. The idea to not have children at all didn't occur to us in the early years of our marriage. We'd never heard of the term "childfree" and we just assumed from the example of our parents and others in our family that all married couples eventually have children.

What changed our minds? It wasn't the fact that I thought DH would leave all of the child care to me. He has never left all of the housework to me. He's cooked and done housework since he was 14 years old, and says that since it's his house too, he'd better do his share in keeping it clean and orderly.

DH has also done his share of caring for our pets. One of our cats is recovering from an operation right now, and DH has been the one of us who is great at giving her medicine. He also stayed home from work the day after her operation - just as a parent would stay home with a sick child. As for the cooking - well, I was lucky enough to marry a man who really likes to cook as much as I do and is good at it.

It wasn't finances that changed our minds about parenthood, either. DH and I don't make large salaries - we both chose careers that are not high paying. We're comfortable financially and own a home, but we're certainly not wealthy. However, we both have simple tastes and don't spend a lot of money each month, so I think we could afford a child if we remained frugal, and if we both kept working full time (I think I'd be bored being a SAHM anyway).

I think the fact that we do have a wonderful marriage contributed to our decision to be CF. Both of our jobs can be stressful, but when we come home, we don't have the stress of caring for a child. We can put each other first without having to consider a child's needs. We have time and money to concentrate on hobbies, such as fixing up our older home (DH is pretty good at it), and my running 5K races. I'd probably find it hard to train, and even harder to race on Saturday mornings, if we had a child.

We've seen the marriages of some of our friends and family members who have had children slowly deteriorate - many times because the wife is so fixated on the kids that she ignores the husband. We don't want that to happen to us! I know that our marriage is important enough to us that we'd work to keep it strong if we had a child - and that would mean not hesitating to leave the child with babysitters so we could have time as a couple. But it would still be a lot of work to keep the quality of our marriage as it is now if we added a child to our family, and frankly, neither DH nor I want children enough to do that.

I think also the fact that we know we're not alone - there are other happily married couples who have also made the decision to not have children - helped us decide to become CF.

I feel very fortunate that DH and I were able to arrive at a decision to not have children together. I've seen marriages break up because one spouse wants children so badly that he or she is willing to leave the other CF spouse, or marriages in which one spouse "gives in" to the other's demands for a baby, then ignores the baby and the spouse as a result.

I don't understand why more couples don't talk about whether or not they want children - since today you can't assume that everyone wants them - BEFORE they get married or become engaged.

Of course, not all of our family members understand our reasons for being CF, particularly DH's family. We've been told that because we're a great aunt and uncle and love being around our nieces and nephews most of the time, we'd be great parents. Well, there's a huge difference between spending a day or a weekend with our nieces and nephews and having responsibility for a child 24/7. We've also been told that we'd have "beautiful" and "smart" children and are "wasting our genes." Sorry - I'm not that much of an egomaniac to think that the world wouldn't be great without someone with my genes!

I can't stand kids, not even teenagers. I had a wonderful life as a child, and knew I would be childfree even when I was a freshmen in high school. (On a different note) My mil once asked if I would help change my nephew's diaper, and I declined. What is it about breeders that they have to try to *rub* their crap on others????

I think also the main reason some of the asswhole breeders want others to breed is because, "missery loves company." These breeders don't like seeing others childfree and happy. Because you know, us childfree aren't misserable.

"We've seen the marriages of some of our friends and family members who have had children slowly deteriorate - many times because the wife is so fixated on the kids that she ignores the husband. "

boy, ain't THAT the truth. Truth about mid life crises most of the time is the guy was just waiting for the kids to be old enuf or whatever and the wife was horrible (head up kids ass all the time usually).

"I don't understand why more couples don't talk about whether or not they want children - since today you can't assume that everyone wants them - BEFORE they get married or become engaged. ""

this is the sad aspect. they DON'T think, period. they assume, they 'feel', but think? naaahhhh. most of them are in some sort of lala land.

You also would not be guaranteed smart and 'beautiful' children. That is the biggest piece of crock. Granted, if you are smart, the odds would be smart(er). (Like breeds like) ..
enjoy the freedom

Reply Quote

i have grown into my cfness, i fooled myself for a few years, i thought about it, but i found i didnt have any feelings for them, but since meeting my faust i too found i wasnt alone in this non kids feeling. but since realising i have been more at ease with myself.

i have sympathetic problems if i hear someone being sick even an animal i suffer from it too, same with dog mess, let alone a kids.. ewww shudders

i like order, in my brain i like my dinners at a similar time, eat the similar foods same day and so on. i have a regimented life or as much as i can, i hate the chaos, and kids are choas personified.

over the last few years before i met her, i started having fantasies about smacking kids with shopping trollies, sending them down the aisles.. that would make me smile.

my family was good, i lost my dad when i was 16, and so it was me and my mum and brother.


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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

I can't stand to be around babyees,toadlers, or kyds. YUCK! I'm glad I'm childfree and NOT GOING TO BE SOME DAMN BABYEE MAKING MACHINE. like oh god.

I can't stand to be around children of any age. Some teenagers I can handle, but only those rare ones who know how to talk about things besides the latest skin-tight ass-cleavage-bearing jeans and who know how to carry on a conversation without making every sentence a question. Haven't met many of those.

I was also never a lover of baby dolls. Any baby dolls I ever got were tortured - they had their faces scribbled on with markers, limbs torn off, and my Baby Alive doll got Tootsie Rolls shoved up its ass so it would crap itself anymore. I always favored my plush animals and they stayed in near-mint condition for years. Even now, I'm an animal lover and I consider my three cats to be my beloved children.

Part of the reason why I think I never grew to like kids is because I was never around them a whole lot. I was around my younger cousin Andrew occasionally, but there was about a 5-year age difference between us. It wasn't too annoying. My youngest cousin is a pain right in the ass, and being forced to baby-sit her many times really cemented my childfree feelings. When my cousin was around, I eagerly anticipated when her mother would come and get her. When it's your own sprog, that will never happen. The parent will never come to relieve you of your suffering because you ARE the parent. That always scared me.

There's just so many factors that make me highly unsuitable for parenthood. I hate kids, I have no patience with them, I'm so used to ignoring them that I would probably end up neglecting my own, and I would NOT want some bratty, stinky little shit loaf tormenting my cats. If the cats want to dig the kid's eyes out, then that's fine. But any kid who tries to harm my cats does not get off scot-free.

I have absolutely NO reason to have my own kids and see nothing beneficial that would come out of me spawning. Also, I like doing things my way on my own time and having my own money to buy what I want when I want it. I'd rather have those over a parasitic sprog.

Water Lily, I also heard it from my mom a bunch of times when I declined to change my nephew's diapers. NO THANKS.

I certainly wouldn't hand my brother or SIL a bag and say, "Here, would you mind going around the yard and picking up the dog's shit for me?" or handing them the litter box scoop and asking them to please scoop the poop! Why is changing a shitty diaper any different?

Hi Leeland,

I think your reasons for being cf are very honest, and well thought out. Your family should respect you for making such an unselfish choice. Best wishes to you! Sherz

Water Lily Wrote:
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> What is it about breeders that they have
> to try to *rub* their crap on others????

Yes it is because misery loves company.

TRue, Blossom. My in-laws who bingoe me all the time (and they know I have a reproductive disease) are also extremely miserable. I can see right through them. Funny huh? My parents aren't miserable, but then again, they do *not* bingo me. They also know my condition, and how serious it is. (My mom has the same disease.) Also, with what two cents wrote; my grandmother was intelligent, but she also had a mental retarded son. Yes, being intelligent does NOT guarantee a smart kid. I've seen dumb bunnies have smart kids! Strange, but true.

I have never ever had a desire for kids. I detest babies. I remember one time in high school a student brought her sprog in and everyone rushed over to fuss over it. I thought it was stupid. I was like oh yeah you're a teenage mother, what a wonderful thing!!! Thank dog for the internet, for how else would all of us CF people have found each other?

"I had sex with my husband and all I got was this lousy kid."
-Unknown

Hell, no! I would NOT have a child even if it was guaranteed that the husband would help out. Sorry to sound so blunt and insensitive but this is how I feel. I have also been asked if I would have had that baby had the marriage with the money'd man worked or if I had met another man-of-means. I took real offense at that question since I took it as if I was some sort of uterus wh*re. I could win the freaking Lotto tomorrow...BUT...I still would not breed even though I could afford a c*nt worker to watch the kid as well as being able to pay for a visit to the "chop shop" aka the plastic surgeon. Ever since I was a sproglettina, I have been CF to the bone. Sorry to sound so in-your-face this afternoon. Still a little tired...zzzzzzzz!!!!!

P.S. I was asked to change a friend's baybee's diapers eons ago. I am sure you all can imagine what my answer was...

KidFreeLuvnLife, I wouldn't try to "rub" animals off people either. (by scooping poop, giving the dog a bath). I know not everyone wants animals, the same as, not everyone wants some freakn' baby,toddler,kyd,teenager. No thank you. So I don't like it when people try to "rub" their babyees or toadlers off me. I'd like to see how these people feel when these babyees or toalders are like when they hit teenagers. I *doubt* they would be doing the same thing.

Like several of you, I just plain ain't interested. And like sharon j., I don't like babies. I don't get the cooing over them, but whatever. I get along with children pretty well. They seem to seek me out. But that doesn't mean I want any of my own. It's just not who I am.

Thanks for sharing your perspective on this, leeland.

I was never an early articulator about being CF. I do recall saying as a teen that I wouldn't marry till I was 40. I got married to DH, however, at 23. We have been married 15 years. Our early years we had to struggle with money, so we were religious about birth control. Then our financial situation improved dramatically. Time to sprog, right ? Not so fast. What I came to see in the sprogging taking place all around us, was that same thing repeated over and over in this thread - the marriage ALWAYS suffers. My mom married late in life and sprogged late. She says she doesn't regret giving it all up to raise two kids. But, and she will never admit this, she puts up with way too much crap from my dad. Sorry folks, money is power, and relationships aren't immune from the laws of economics. DH and I are EQUALS. Despite my deep abiding love for him, if he was out in the world while i sacrificed everything for a kid, we would no longer be equals, and thus the relationship built on years of mutual EQUALITY would suffer. Also, I still DESPISE the fact that men are almost NEVER asked to sacrifice careers for kids. IT is just assumed that women will. Sorry - not gonna happen. We are Aunt and Uncle, and that is just fine with us. We can focus on each other. HE is my family.

I agree with you tatogal. My manager had her first, and I overheard her speaking with someone else in the office about how her husband was constantly stressed, and it was putting her marriage on the rocks. Their marriage was great... until Joey came along. I don't think couples spend much time thinking about what life will actually entail after a baby arrives. They see the farce of the "perfect life" that couples with children portray outside of their house, and buy into the "children must add so much to a relationship and marriage" bit. When in reality, if they spent some time within the confines of the home with children, they'd see reality.

bu have you noticed its always to the cf they say its a wonderful thing, but to some other breeders they say its a nightmare

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein