You'll love this one

Infamous Mommy-blogger asks the question: Is marriage easier than Moo-hood?

http://www.dooce.com/2009/01/07/better-worse

Get a load of the comments. I wonder why some people spawn when they obviously hate their spouse. Gotta put that check in the "Life Script" box, I suppose.

"Marriage is way harder. My kids came OUT OF ME. Daddy is just some dude I met on the internet. We have a good laugh about it when he's at work!"

Niiiiice.

And I hate to tell this Moo2Be, but she will, indeed probably be like every other Moocow on planet Earth who is resentful after the kidlet is born. Isn't that how it is?


"I'm due with my first in April, and this very question is the thing I worry about the most! My husband and I get along like peanut butter and jelly most of the time, and we've had a really fun 6.5 years just the two of us. We've weathered some pretty decent challenges and come out great on the other side, and I feel so confident about our relationship as it is. And now we've decided to add a brand new personality into the mix in the form of an infant! I hear all these horror stories about moms who can't stand their partners and I've seen my friends get all weird about letting their partners help with the baby, etc., and I'm terrified that somehow there is this lurking demon inside of me that will come out as soon as the baby is born and all of a sudden my marriage will become like all the marriages on sitcoms and for the first time ever we'll yell at each other and snip at each other all the time. "

Enjoy!

Enjoy!

CAPTCHA = pNnFn

Baybees are relationship killers, no doubt. They're nothing but a ton of annoyance and work. Who wouldn't be resentful when they have no money, get no sleep, and have to cater to the every need of some squalling parasite who will most likely never amount to anything and never appreciate it? Not to mention the hormones and the physical wrecking her body is taking right now, the effects of which will be with her for as long as the kyd is, which is to say forever. The more stress you're under, the less able you are to nurture a relationship. I've never understood having a kyd to save a marriage...it seems like the very best way to remove any last shred of fond feeling between two people. Most people have kids without putting the slightest thought into what it's actually like to have to put up with them 24/7.

Spouses can usually take care of themselves to varying extents (depending on physical wellness), whereas kids remain pretty helpless for YEARS. Spouses tend to genuinely love you...the "love" of a child is actually the kid being nice to you since it knows you feed it. You can divorce a spouse if things go sour, whereas you can't really get rid of a child. You can have sex with a spouse and not have it be a crime. You can pick your spouse, but you can't pick your children. Is marriage easier than Moo-hood? I'm not even married, but I can confidently say YES.

Hmm...looks like overall the ratio is roughly 1/3=marriage is harder; 2/3=parenting is harder.

I think that it depends on the individual person. A working mother who manages to juggle her free time between kiddie stuff and get to work everyday (on time), keep the house clean, and her husband interested has a very difficult "job" indeed. On the other hand, A SAHMoo who entertains her kyds with Barney DVD'S, plays online half the day and watches soaps the other half, has a shithole of a home and only services her husband when she wants to sprog, has an easy life. It's the same with marriage. The spouse who does nothing but take take take, and bleed the other dry financially and emotionally, likely has it easy. Whereas the one who puts a daily effort into the relationship, makes personal sacrifices without fanfare when necessary, etc........probably has a much more difficult "job". However you want to look at it, a woman who makes a career out of doing nothing but "TTC", beinging knocked up and all of the bullshit that comes with it, does VERY LITTLE in terms of contributing to society, but they crave all of the credit.


I know a SHITTY and horrible moomare who let her step son rape her daughter (AT AGE 8) and convinced her to keep quiet about it so step-duddy would stay around, was never there for her kyd, and didn't do ANYTHING to enrich the child's life. However, after not having even contacted her child in 8 in 10 years while she pimped herself on the strip club circuit, low budget fuck films, and battled a heroin addiction, when she found out that she had snagged a Hollywood camera man/techie of some sort ( a legit one) and was living high on the hog in a penthouse, she suddenly is telling people, " I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT! She looks just like I did when I was her age", etc........... My childhood friend who had this happen called me one day and said, "Linda (her moo) just called and wants to come for a vist, should I let her?". NOTHING that these moowcows do surprises me because I know the truth. It's all about THEM and that never changes.

Marriage (without kids) is a hell of a lot easier than parenthood. From my non-parent perspective.

I don't find it remotely difficult to stay married.

I've only been married for about 10 months, but so far I think it's pretty damn easy. Oh, sure, there are the little fights here and there, but nothing that can't be resolved in a day or two. Everybody told me that the first year would be the hardest, but I have yet to see it.

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"I'm due with my first in April, and this very question is the thing I worry about the most! My husband and I get along like peanut butter and jelly most of the time, and we've had a really fun 6.5 years just the two of us. We've weathered some pretty decent challenges and come out great on the other side, and I feel so confident about our relationship as it is. And now we've decided to add a brand new personality into the mix in the form of an infant! I hear all these horror stories about moms who can't stand their partners and I've seen my friends get all weird about letting their partners help with the baby, etc., and I'm terrified that somehow there is this lurking demon inside of me that will come out as soon as the baby is born and all of a sudden my marriage will become like all the marriages on sitcoms and for the first time ever we'll yell at each other and snip at each other all the time. "

I always wonder about women like this. Don't try and fix what's not broken.

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"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

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LoveToLurk
Everybody told me that the first year would be the hardest, but I have yet to see it.

It is. It's just not very hard when you're mature enough to realize that you don't want kids.

It actually does get easier, even though it's not hard now.

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anneonimiss
I've never understood having a kyd to save a marriage...it seems like the very best way to remove any last shred of fond feeling between two people. Most people have kids without putting the slightest thought into what it's actually like to have to put up with them 24/7.

I would bet 99% of those who have kyds to save a marriage end up divorced anyway. Then they're straddled with a kyd for the rest of their lives. I think in their head, they have some romantic notion that a kid is going to be all sweetness and roses, and make their spouse love them more. I think the quickest way to kill a struggling relationship is to have a kyd.

______________

- The human gene pool could use a little chlorine

My first marriage (after the anulled one) was doomed before we got back from the honeymoon. It was so doomed in fact that I almost bought a plane ticket out of Miami while on our honeymoon and went home to clear out my shit and beg my room mate to take me back. I recommend that ALL COUPLES who are contemplating getting married go on a LONG trip via car with their intended spouse as there is no better way to find out if he/she is a piece of shit, inconsiderate, on a polar opposite eat/sleep schedule (which btw does NOT change) that one likes strict and unwavering schedules vs impromptu excursions, or if they are just as.asshole. Compatability, or lack thereof, will a,most always raise it's ugly head on a long trip.So, the first year WAS the hardest on that one, but the 7 years that followed weren't much better. Although they seemed better in comparison to that first year of wretched hatred on my part, which slowly evolved from desiring to murder him with my bare hands into a loving, "I hope he dies, but not too painful a death", ongoing fantasy.:pwned The third one was the hardest AND the easiest in the first year, because that's how long it lasted. I didn't give that one a chance once I started seeing the "signs". I wasn't in the mood to waste another 8-10 years of my life on bullshit, so I cut ties with that one early on.


The fourth one was the one that bought me the title of "step moo" and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't sense impending doom within the first year, but there wasn't really anything specific to pin on him because he stayed out of my way, but I didn't like him very much within MONTHS of having said, "I do". It's when he started dumping the kyd on me 24/7 that began the downward spiral into the hell that I would later come to know as my own. The first year was the easiest on that one because it took about a year for me to realize that he was a textbook lying, selfish, stealing, conniving, narcicist, who had a mean con game down pat. I am still angry that I didn't figure out what he was sooner, The last year with him was BY FAR the most difficult because he started making a pest out of himself trying to overdo things in an attempt to make me stay, but it had no effect on me but to annoy me, like a mosquito on a summer night.


I think that actually loving the person has a lot to do with it. I have been married to this last one for two years and I have yet to feel any sense of impending doom, he doesn't annoy me, and I am actually happy to hear him turn the front door lock rather than have that dull, nagging, bubble burst feeling that I used to feel when the others made it home safely. I suppose that if you truly love one another, then all of the years will have good points and not seem difficult. So, while the first year is generally the hardest, it's probably because it's still all "new" and you don't know the person well enough yet, which of course could go either way. The worst mistake in ALL of my failed marriages was lack of communication BEFORE the nuptials.

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kidlesskim

The worst mistake in ALL of my failed marriages was lack of communication BEFORE the nuptials.

QFT

CAPTCHA - eTjuh... Bless you.

Marriage hasn't been quite so easy for me. The first year is over and the second has been tough so far. We don't get along as well as we should, which is one of the reasons I started really thinking about whether or not I wanted kids. I have come to the conclusion that it cannot happen with this man. It's a good thing I don't want them. I'm not sure if my marriage is going to make it. I've been saying this for months, but haven't done anything about it yet. I'm changing that though. We have to try a little harder before we give up. But it really shouldn't be this difficult and it depresses the hell out of me.

So, yea...marriage can be difficult. A kid will surely ruin an already weak relationship. Little missy up there with the strong marriage still has a good chance of turning into a demanding, entitled moocow if the situation warrants...

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The worst mistake in ALL of my failed marriages was lack of communication BEFORE the nuptials.

Yes, and I am guilty of this...

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kidlesskim

I think that actually loving the person has a lot to do with it. I have been married to this last one for two years and I have yet to feel any sense of impending doom, he doesn't annoy me, and I am actually happy to hear him turn the front door lock rather than have that dull, nagging, bubble burst feeling that I used to feel when the others made it home safely. I suppose that if you truly love one another, then all of the years will have good points and not seem difficult. So, while the first year is generally the hardest, it's probably because it's still all "new" and you don't know the person well enough yet, which of course could go either way. The worst mistake in ALL of my failed marriages was lack of communication BEFORE the nuptials.

We lived together for two years before we got married, so I guess we got all of that crap out of the way early. Thankfully neither sets of parents were stuck in the Victorian age, so we didn't have to deal with any problems from them. I'd advise anyone to live together before they get married, because you're exactly right about needing to learn about the other person on that intimate of a level.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

I didn' tread it all last night, but some of them are amazing. Some of these people have no clue about being childfree.

I want to slap this one silly. Doesn't the childfree choice occur to her?

"I am 31 and married with no kids. The thought of having/raising a child completely freaks me out. I don't have the maternal thing going for me and I'm too worried about money, daycare, raising another human being, oh and the fact that it is forever! It was refreshing to read what you said about not being equipped in the beginning with your first child. There really is no way to prepare/practice for parenthood unless you want to work in a daycare or something. I imagine I will have kids (if my body lets me at 36 or so) one day but I don't think it will ever be easier than being married - and that's been no joy ride either."

This woman sounds pretty infantile herself, as if she's contemplating playing with a doll or something.

"I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, and i'm scared shitless. Not to mention, i'm 36. Not exactly a spring chicken.
I'm absolutely terrified of everything realated to my little alien in my tummy, I don't really have much baby experiece either, i'm jumping into this with a "whatever happens happens" attitude, i'll deal with whatever is thrown at me. What else can I do really? I'm doing this. I just hope it's a very patient baby. lol. I'm having fun decorating the nursery for now. We'll see what happens once it "arrives".

Patient baby? That makes me want to laugh hysterically. Have you ever seen a "patient" baybee? "Patient" would imply one is a sentient being. Baybees are nothing more than screaming, pooping, eating machines.

What's wrong with this picture? I'll let you guys tell me:

"Hmmmm.... I, like you, had a hell of a ride when my daughter was born 12.5 yrs ago. My husband was in residency and gone ALL the time. I had a baby that literally cried from 3:30pm until 4 AM EVERY DAY- EVERY DAY - yes I typed that twice. I could not understand why people had children because - son of a bitch- this sucked. This went on for 6 months 1 week and 3 days...I have it written in my journal. I woke that morning thinking she had died - seriously
I had no support, no friends had had kids yet (I was 28 at the time) and my husband just pretended that we did not exist. I should have checked myself into your mental abode for some help. I never wanted to hurt my child but I was distraught and too proud to complain.
She finally decided that all the crying was getting her nowhere. And she was the perfect sleeper from then on.
This is the kicker...my marriage went totally downhill due to this. I was really pissed at him for not helping, not caring, not anythinging. So after 10 yrs of marriage and the downward spiral (and one more child that was so quiet after her birth I thought there was something very wrong with her) we entered counseling. It saved our marriage but not that base that it was built on...those months of a crying baby and a desperate wife and mother changed eveything about me.
Oh to be able to go back and have a do over! Life is good now, my girls are 12.5 and almost 10 and are wonderful kids. I am happier than I've ever been and am finally finding out who "I" am...and I like me..
So the simple answer for me- to a very hard question is marriage at this point .... I'm not who he married and it drives him crazy, which in turn makes me want to scream at times :-) "



.

:kill

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Sort of echoing one of the many great points Kim made, someone once said (and this is likely not verbatim), "Don't marry someone who you couldn't stand to sit next to on a three-day-long bus trip".I think that's pretty true.

even thats no guarentee.

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

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Cambion
Sort of echoing one of the many great points Kim made, someone once said (and this is likely not verbatim), "Don't marry someone who you couldn't stand to sit next to on a three-day-long bus trip".I think that's pretty true.

I think that if it's possible, and there are many discounted rates these days, that a couple should go on a 7 day cruise together before marriage. A cruise has ALL of the available resources and situations to show true compatibility, or not.



Food/eating scehdules:
First of all, the guests have to fill out their dining schedules and when we went on ours, I thought nothing of letting him fill it out, it's just dinner, right? That bastard had us signed up for the 6AM, 11AM, and the "early bird" dinners and I hadn't eaten anything before 10am in my whole life. That wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't INSISTED that I go eat, simply because, "it was paid for". He didn't stop there though. In addition to the mandatory 3 meals, and anyone who has ever been on a cruise knows what a FEAST is served at each meal, I had to show up at the 9 AM all you can eat brunch, the afternoon buffet, and the fucking MIDNIGHT buffet with all of the ice sculptures and various food which was imported from all seven continents. If I didn't go, which I tried at first, he would pout, whine, and bitch. I do not remember enjoying ANY of the food because I was never allowed to eat when I was hungry and it was just too damned much and watching his gluttony just ruined my appetite..s


Sleep/going out schedules
I knew in advance that he was an early bird, but I guess that I thought that he would lighten up while on a vacation. NO CAN DO. He was up at the crack of dawn doing sit ups, jogging around the deck, (in and out of the room, in and out, in and out) and would wake me up while counting his fucking jumping jacks out loud. Then he would poke and prod me through the covers and whine and moan about my getting up. When that failed, he would start singing "Good Morning Sunshine", and that would send me into a rage, although it would wake me up. I didn't get the favor returned at night though. Shortly after the midnight buffet, (after he got his gut full, again) right about the time the shows started, the casino was jumping, and the disco opened, he would be tucked into bed and sound asleep. Since I didn't want to go alone, this is when I would get my exercise in by jogging around the ship and more than once, I fantasized about ways to push him overboard. In fact, every time I hear about a couple on a honeymoon/anniversary cruise and one goes overboard, that is my first thought. The moon is MUCH more beautiful than the sunrise on a ship, that much I know.


Recreational activities
If it involved a ball or a puck of some sort, he was in the tournament. I had NO DESIRE to play shuffle ball with some weird couple from Idaho, or to play ping pong with an old man. I would rather lounge by the pool and maybe swim, but he would INSIST that I "complete the set" and play these RIDICULOUS ship games with his new "friends". When we got to one of the islands where we docked for an afternoon, I couldn't wait to wander the streets, explore the old cathedrals, and maybe buy some crap from street vendors or eat at a local restaurant. SHATTERED DREAMS, one and all. He already has us signed up for a GODAWFUL tour where we rode in the back half of a converted station wagon (bright yellow) with 6 or 7 other tourists all crammed into it and the "taxi driver" was a maniac. It was hot, uncomfortable, and of course he stopped at every predictable, boring, mundane, tourist trap that was in the brochures. I was miserable and it lasted FOUR HOURS. Of course having some fish and chips and a pint of ale at the Winston Churchill's Pub was out because it wasn't "included".:beer


Split on how the money is spent
There was ALWAYS enough money when he wanted to use his "system" and play blackjack for 8 hours, but NO money "left in the budget" for me to "waste" on slot machines, There was PLENTY of money when HE wanted to buy a watch that was a "really good buy", but NO money "in the budget" when I wanted to buy a trinket. There was PLENTY of money for him to guzzle Tequila Sunrise's all day because they were "free", never mind at 1-2dollars tip a drink he probably spent upwards of $20 (and much more after he was drunk) but there just wasn't enough money for ME to buy a $15 bottle of booze and drink it in the cabin. That was my first experience of how men can control everything IF they control the money. I was only 19 (he was 35+/-) and hadn't learned this yet and of COURSE he never let his greed and cheapness show while we were just dating. No, he saved that up for afterwards and I would like to add that he had PLENTY of money and this was nothing more than a power play.



Those were only the highlights as there was the SHITTY cabin that he picked with TWO beds in it, the embarassment of how little he tipped our cabin boys/,maids (I couldn't even look at them when we left), his failure to purchase ANY of the ship photos after I mentioned that there were two that I liked (not that I wanted a reminder or anything, but they were good pics), the night he was too cheap to pay for a cab and misjudged the FIVE MILE WALK to a fancy casino, ME in a semi formal gown AND high heels and our near mugging (or worse) by local thugs, and then there was the encore TWELVE HOUR DRIVE BACK, which was worse than the prelude drive TO the port of Miami. It was SO awful, that I gave the other week long cruise trip tickets that we had purchased at a discount with our other cruise to his mother and her sister for Christmas. :beer It really should have been a red flag to go on and put an end to that week long marriage, because if you can't get along on a cruise, how can you in every day life?

for me i am an early bird, but i am quite happy to leave the room quietly, and put my headphones on and listen to my cd's, carry a book with me, and find myself a nice corner, and just sit and read. and not disturb anyone.

i control money, because i dont have much, never have, i know the value, i would only step up if they were spending with no thought, i am a bit of an obsessive when it comes to having enough, i do not like being broke.

i like a bit of an early night, only because i frequently wake up at 2 am and am wide awake.

i am sure if i was on the jury i would say justifiable homicide.

sometimes even if everything works, it doesnt work out

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

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mercurior
for me i am an early bird, but i am quite happy to leave the room quietly, and put my headphones on and listen to my cd's, carry a book with me, and find myself a nice corner, and just sit and read. and not disturb anyone.

i control money, because i dont have much, never have, i know the value, i would only step up if they were spending with no thought, i am a bit of an obsessive when it comes to having enough, i do not like being broke.

i like a bit of an early night, only because i frequently wake up at 2 am and am wide awake.

i am sure if i was on the jury i would say justifiable homicide.

sometimes even if everything works, it doesnt work out

You would have behaved then much like I did, which was to leave the early bird alone when HE was sleeping and not try and pull him away from a shuffle board game when I wanted to do something. I can accept, overlook, and deal with differences of sleep/eating patterns, it's when they INSIST that I get on their schedule, AND LIKE IT and they pout when I don't pretend to enjoy it, that pisses me off beyond all measure. Then they use BINGOS when they say, "It's just not normal to sleep all of the time". Um, hellloooooo, do they not know how many HOURS that I am awake and functioning while they sleep? It's the same with these ridiculous, breakfast at 6am, lunch at noon, and dinner at 6pm people, or it isn't "normal". It isn't "normal" to eat at 9pm. It isn't "normal" to skip lunch or breakfast. WHO CARES when or what someone else eats? My philosophy is that husbands can eat, sleep, work, read, etc..... whenever and whatever they wish and I couldn't care less. I just don't want them pestering ME to change to their schedule and try and make me feel as if I am not "normal" if I don't follow their lifescript. Some will even try and get you to change jobs, so you can be on a "normal" schedule, aka the same as theirs.


I have finally found a husband who doesn't give a damn if I take a nap whenever, go to bed at 5AM or midnight and I am happy to return the favor. I blame forced sleep deprivation in part for ALL of my failed marriages. I don't think that I EVER got any decent sleep in the last one either, due to the little ways in which he would sneak around and wake me up. I can hear the forced "ping" of a spoon on a cereal bowl, or the "tingle tingle tingle" purposeful noise of a spoon hitting the inside of a glass with an instant breakfast drink being stirred, and it sends CHILLS down my spine.

for me, i just wander off, and am quiet. so quiet sometimes people forget i am there.

i eat once a day at 6pm, have coffee in the morning, not entirely human without my first cup.. i have my own space, my own freedom, and i respect others freedom, for a big man i move very quietly.


i couldnt go on a cruise, i dont like people at the best of times but trapped in a single place no i would find a corner and no one would ever see me again ..or i would go berserk and kill everyone and leave it like the marie celeste wit h 1 person on board me.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein