Wannabreeder: "So, I know you don't want kids...

but how do you feel about marriage?"

I've mentioned before that I'm dating a wannabreeder. He's an awesome guy and we get along great, but I always knew that he would never be more than Mr. Right Now because he wants children someday (he's about a decade younger than me and wants to be my age - mid 30s - when he has kids) and obviously, I do not want them. EVER. So, imagine my shock and awe when he asked me a couple of weeks ago (basically) whether or not I was sure I didn't want kids. Once I told him I was and that I even want to get the snip/burn/blow-that-shit-the-hell-outta-there later this year, he said ok and then asked if I would ever consider getting married.

Just wow. I really never thought about it, yanno? The thought of being with him just wasn't an option, so why bother? I told him that marriage was and has always been an option for me, but I hadn't thought about it with him. So, he asked me to think about it. FTW, right? So, I've been thinking about it.

Well, I'm not here asking for advice, I'm just sharing my story because it seems that this guy is willing to switch teams for me and be childfree...or childless. And that was the problem for me. I'm not sure that he could be happy without kids, so my answer for now is, no. No marriage talk for us. If that means it's over, so be it. I'll miss him, but I'm just not that woman who would even consider having a kyd to keep her mayun. Not. Going. Down.

Anyway, I just had to share that.

If he's willing to give up the breeder thing for you, you may want to wait to see how stuff goes. My husband used to say he wanted kids because his family is very children oriented and everyone has brats. He didn't know any better.

I'm glad you're sure about your decision and aren't willing to have kids for the wrong reasons. He must like you a lot

I say give him the benefit of the doubt, as well... at least to see if you're confident of his feelings one way or the other. DH was never a gung-ho want-to-have-babies guy, he always just assumed he eventually would ("because that's what you do.") I've said this before. He was surprised that I didn't want children, but not put off by it.

Trust me when I say he's a 100% convert. :mrd

There's "baby rabid" and there's "saying what I've been programmed to say", you know what I mean?

I think you are REALLY wise with your wait and see approach. The fact that you arein touch with (and told him!) that marriage with him is not on your radar indicates that your head is in the right place.

I wouldn't count on him switching teams either- my husband was fine until last year when a couple people we knew started sprogging and he started believing the lie. He seems to have pulled out of it but it was ugly for a while. Tread lightly- you're going about this the right way.

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Rose Red
I think you are REALLY wise with your wait and see approach. The fact that you arein touch with (and told him!) that marriage with him is not on your radar indicates that your head is in the right place.

I wouldn't count on him switching teams either- my husband was fine until last year when a couple people we knew started sprogging and he started believing the lie. He seems to have pulled out of it but it was ugly for a while. Tread lightly- you're going about this the right way.

I am with Rose on this one. Many men also experienced with much younger women how the claims from wanting a child to not wanting a child were said. People will often say what another person wants to hear to keep that person in his or her life. Having a Mr. Right For Now is fine. Not all relations end in marriage. I would be leery of a man who professed desire for kids and then turned so quickly. For me and for me alone, a big age difference with a younger guy is also a deal breaker. I'd seem some women get burned by marrying or being serious for these fellows only to be left for younger women or wanting families. It is only my opinion.

DBF wants to get married someday as well, in spite of all the issues between us. Like your partner, BF is a wannabreeder. He's told me he'd be willing to give up having kids, but that he definitely would not be happy about it. I think it's beautiful he loves me that much, but I wonder how long it would take for his resentment to start showing. The newlywed bliss wears off and I would be worried that a few years down the road, he'd go back to what he was saying before. I've heard of way too many stories of women getting married to wannabreeder men of varying openness (in terms of their desire to spawn), and a couple years into the marriage, the man will say he wants kids, followed up with something like "I figured if I just waited a little bit for you to grow up, we'd have a family". That's what I fear from DBF.

I think you're right to tread these waters with caution. Someone who really wants children will not change their mind so quickly, and I would also be very wary of someone who did. There's a good chance if you did get married, he would feel resentful toward you for 'making' him sacrifice something he wants. And he could use it against you any time he wants you to do something..."I gave up having kids because I love you, and it's a choice that will affect me forever. I think the least you can do is agree to (insert weird/expensive/undesirable activity here) for one day! Don't you love me enough to do that for me?" It has the potential to get ugly, and women are not the only ones who can be passive-aggressive.

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Without Issue
I say give him the benefit of the doubt, as well... at least to see if you're confident of his feelings one way or the other. DH was never a gung-ho want-to-have-babies guy, he always just assumed he eventually would ("because that's what you do.") I've said this before. He was surprised that I didn't want children, but not put off by it.

Trust me when I say he's a 100% convert. :mrd

There's "baby rabid" and there's "saying what I've been programmed to say", you know what I mean?

Yep, I do. I'm glad things worked out for you and your DH! Here's hoping I have similar luck because I do care about him a lot, and I could see us together if he really could do without the kiddies.

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Muslimah

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Rose Red
I think you are REALLY wise with your wait and see approach. The fact that you arein touch with (and told him!) that marriage with him is not on your radar indicates that your head is in the right place.

I wouldn't count on him switching teams either- my husband was fine until last year when a couple people we knew started sprogging and he started believing the lie. He seems to have pulled out of it but it was ugly for a while. Tread lightly- you're going about this the right way.

I am with Rose on this one. Many men also experienced with much younger women how the claims from wanting a child to not wanting a child were said. People will often say what another person wants to hear to keep that person in his or her life. Having a Mr. Right For Now is fine. Not all relations end in marriage. I would be leery of a man who professed desire for kids and then turned so quickly. For me and for me alone, a big age difference with a younger guy is also a deal breaker. I'd seem some women get burned by marrying or being serious for these fellows only to be left for younger women or wanting families. It is only my opinion.

The age difference is one thing that gives me pause. I worry about him changing his mind in 10 years when I'm in my 40s and the dating pool for me will be that much smaller.

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Cambion
I think you're right to tread these waters with caution. Someone who really wants children will not change their mind so quickly, and I would also be very wary of someone who did. There's a good chance if you did get married, he would feel resentful toward you for 'making' him sacrifice something he wants. And he could use it against you any time he wants you to do something..."I gave up having kids because I love you, and it's a choice that will affect me forever. I think the least you can do is agree to (insert weird/expensive/undesirable activity here) for one day! Don't you love me enough to do that for me?" It has the potential to get ugly, and women are not the only ones who can be passive-aggressive.

Another thing that worries me. Although I'm crazy about my DBF, this is something I've thought about. Would he act this way if he gave up kyds "for me"? I honestly don't know, and it did throw me for a loop that he'd consider not having them. Hmmmm, decisions, decisions.

Good for you, keepin' your head in the game. It's great that you've made your stance very clear from the beginning and show no signs of weakening. Men respect women who know themselves and what they want out of life. I'd keep treading water for now.

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I think you're right to tread these waters with caution. Someone who really wants children will not change their mind so quickly, and I would also be very wary of someone who did. There's a good chance if you did get married, he would feel resentful toward you for 'making' him sacrifice something he wants. And he could use it against you any time he wants you to do something..."I gave up having kids because I love you, and it's a choice that will affect me forever. I think the least you can do is agree to (insert weird/expensive/undesirable activity here) for one day! Don't you love me enough to do that for me?" It has the potential to get ugly, and women are not the only ones who can be passive-aggressive.

Very well put, Cambion. I worry about the future of my marriage for this very reason. Although, my husband is 8 years older than me and was feeling he was 'too old' to start the parenting process now. I just hope the resentment doesn't catch up with him. If it does, I'm not gonna stick around for that shit.

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Cambion
I think you're right to tread these waters with caution. Someone who really wants children will not change their mind so quickly, and I would also be very wary of someone who did. There's a good chance if you did get married, he would feel resentful toward you for 'making' him sacrifice something he wants. And he could use it against you any time he wants you to do something..."I gave up having kids because I love you, and it's a choice that will affect me forever. I think the least you can do is agree to (insert weird/expensive/undesirable activity here) for one day! Don't you love me enough to do that for me?" It has the potential to get ugly, and women are not the only ones who can be passive-aggressive.

This is also first rate advice.

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Rose Red

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Cambion
I think you're right to tread these waters with caution. Someone who really wants children will not change their mind so quickly, and I would also be very wary of someone who did. There's a good chance if you did get married, he would feel resentful toward you for 'making' him sacrifice something he wants. And he could use it against you any time he wants you to do something..."I gave up having kids because I love you, and it's a choice that will affect me forever. I think the least you can do is agree to (insert weird/expensive/undesirable activity here) for one day! Don't you love me enough to do that for me?" It has the potential to get ugly, and women are not the only ones who can be passive-aggressive.

This is also first rate advice.

Yep, seconded.