A question for CF women

Hi there, I've browsed the forums before, but have never posted so I hope that I'm posting this in the correct place.I have a burning question, one that makes me incredibly nervous. I'm 21 and have not wanted children since I was a small child for a multitude reasons. The older I get, the more solidified I am in my decision. I recently had a conversation with a friend 6 years older than me who is adamant about not having children as well. During our conversation he told me "Well you'd better be careful, because when you turn 25 that maternal urge is going to kick in and you're going to get that urge to have a baby" With my response of "F-That" he said "Well you'll just have to keep telling yourself why you don't want them". I was surprised and sort of pissed that he said that to me, but it got me wondering and scared that this so-called maternal instinct is going to randomly creep up on me some day. I've been so determined that I'm not going to have children for so long, that I guess I haven't really considered that I might actually get the urge. My question is to the childfree women, especially those who have always known, or have known since my age that they didn't want kids- I'd like to ask if you ever did get this so-called "maternal urge" and if so how you dealt with it. I truly don't believe that every woman gets this urge, in fact I think that the assumption is rather sexist, however I'd definitely like to hear the experiences of other women during their 20's and what their attitudes were about children during that time. Thank you so much for reading!

Well, if you want more answers to your question, you might want to click on the "forum list" and post on the childfree forums...not too many folks get back here.

However, on your question, I am 37. I always just assumed I'd end up married with kids, until I really thought about it...right around your age actually. I realized that yes I do enjoy children, but no not all the time. It's basically about the difference between "need" and "want". Some people do feel a driving need to be parents, some people simply want to have babies. Either way, if they go that route, they end up with children that they will have to deal with, whether they actually like having them or regret having them.

There were times when I would feel slightly maternal and think "Yes, I want that" when I was around well-behaved children or functional families. However, the crux of my ability to overcome any maternal feelings that might rear their ugly heads on rare occasions is that I take humanity seriously. I think parents have a great responsibility to society as a whole to take their chosen path as parents very seriously, and actually do the best job they can to raise their children to be decent human beings. That means they do have to change their lives, it means they do have to modify their behavior, it means they do have to risk their children's ire once in a while and establish boundaries, encourage communication and critical thinking skills and say "no" to unreasonable demands.

Also, breeders have ruined children for me. I don't like our society. I don't like that breeders expect "the village" to raise their child. I don't like that breeders want to be a "best friend" rather than a parent. I don't like that breeders don't seem to make any effort to teach their children anything. I don't like that people have children simply because they "want" a baby, or they are curious to see what they can make with their partner, or they need to "carry on the family name", or they need a kid of a certain gender, or "someone to take care of me when I'm old", "I'm magically pregnant and don't believe in abortion or adoption" or any of the annoying bingos I've gotten in my life. To be honest, I've never heard anyone say say "I'm having a baby because I need to raise a child to be a productive member of society", and to me any other reason seems anti-society, anti-adult, superficial and false.


I think this is the case for a lot of child free people, no matter how they feel about children personally, they know deep in their hearts that raising a child is a huge responsibility that should not be entered into lightly. If you don't want to do all that work, it makes sense to us then that we shouldn't do it.

I'll be 25 in a couple months, and the breeder urge has yet to rear its head!

I've not wanted children for about as long as I've realized what they truly entail (of course I wanted them when I was a little kid with dolls), which, if I remember correctly, has been almost half my life. I tell people this when they say "but what if you change your mind?" I figure "this is what I've wanted since I"ve been old enough to really THINK about it" ought to be a good enough argument.

I'm 34, and I never felt any maternal urge to procreate. I became an aunt at the age of seven, so I've done all of the diapering, feeding, burping, etc. I was done before I ever had a chance to experience the baby rabies. Don't worry about it. Nobody is a slave to their hormones unless they allow them to supersede their common sense.

I knew since CHILDHOOD that I did not want those babies. I was 23 when I got my first tubal which failed seven years later. I immediately aborted and got another tubal close to two years later in 1996. I was also told how I would change my mind and want one of those squirming infants as I got older. I am 43 and NEVER regretted my decision to avoid children. A child is the quickest way for a woman...and a man...to ruin his/her life. No one ever tells the perky 21/year-old who is braying for marriage and babies how *she* is too young to make such a concrete decision about her life.

Rebecca,
While I'm sure that maternal urge happens to some women, only time will tell if it happens to you. When I was 17-18, I was dating a guy who wanted 12, yes twelve, kids. I told him at that time that he might be able to talk me into one or two but there was no way twelve kids were sliding though me. ACK! Thank goodness we broke up.

As I grew older I decided more and more that kids were not for me. I had A LOT of people tell me that I might change my mind, and I realized that they COULD be right. So, I did not do anything drastic until I was sure.

At 29 and single I got my tubes tied. I am now 45 and do not regret it.

I figure it this way, if women NEVER changed their minds than there would not be doctors out there specializing in tubal and vasectomy's reversal procedures. Women like that made it a pain in the ass for me to get my tubal.

My thoughts are, if you are sure then you can make it permanent. If your not wait a while and use other forms of birth control until you are.

As for your friend, I'd be interested in hearing the story that makes him think that way, I bet its a doozy. lol
PS

Also remember, Rebecca, how men love to tell women they need to change their minds about those babies. It is not the men who has to birth these little fuckers and have their bodies ruined. When a man pushes a woman to breed, he will then complain about monogamy with a wife whose body is ruined by childbirth despite wanting the damned screamer. Even if a man pays minimal child support, the women's lives are already wrecked with these kids. No man with a future wants a woman who is saddled with SOMEONE ELSE'S kids...and these women tend to put it out there how they need to find a man to "help" her with her kids aka support the little bastards. Men who claim to want those kids are full of shit. All they are after is spreading their DNA to pump up their egos. They are not there for the cunt work even if the mothers are working full-time jobs and more than contribute to the household. One man tried to tell me how ALL women have that maternal urge. His ears were on fire once I was done telling his ass off. I guess his anger was that he married this butt-ugly single moo with a nasty personality. I am sure he was sexually after her daughter when she became a teen.

Thanks! I'm so glad to hear about everyone's experience in this area. I'm not quite sure why my friend said to me what he said. My guess is, he figures that he knows what he wants because he's a bit older, but I don't really for sure know what I want because I'm only 21, which is very unfair. I agree with Amethusos- who would tell a 21 year old who wants a babyeee that she'd better be careful, because at 25 she's going to get the Anti-maternal urge? I guess I just freaked out and wondered "Crap, do childfree women have to go through this too?, even if they are certain and always have been certain that they don't want kids?"

The more that I think about it though, the more I realize that this decision is not one I will regret or second guess because

#1. I was in a room full of women the other day, and the ONLY one that didn't look at the token baby with googly eyesf and say "AWWW WOOK AT DA BABEEEEEEEEE!!!11!!!1!"
and

#2,I have a friend who is my age and she told me the most disgusting thing. She said "I saw a newborn baby and I felt a yearning in my womb" BARF EWWWWW arrggggggg (I told her never to say something like that again btw) and I have NEVER and will NEVER Get that horrible feeling.


Oh and to PS- I'm not quite sure of HIS story, other than why he is CF. Maybe an ex-gf suddenly changed her mind and wanted to pop out some red faced screamers. Who knows, I just thought he was cool because he's the first real CF man I've met. But I definitely was offended by his remark.

Anyway, thanks again for everybody's advice!

i have to add, not all men are baby freaks, more men than you can imagine just go along with women, or what they expect what women want.

i know i was one of those men,

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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Howdy, Rebecca

I'm 25 going on 26 and have even less of a breeding urge than I did in my late teens (and that was next to nil). Looking back, I think I was CF since the age of 6, when my baby dolls would collect dust on the shelf, while Barbie and My Little Pony got all the attention. Barbie got to play in a band, drive a car, work in an office, have a sexy boyfriend, and wear outlandish clothes. I had no desire to play moo-in-training with dolls that peed (ew!).

Anyway, don't let sexist comments freak you out. There are lots of women out there who aren't slaves to their biological urges, if they even have them. I don't have a biological clock.

That said as well...part of the reason I want to be sterilized is in CASE something goes horribly wrong with me hormonally some day and I decide I want one. That way I won't be able to have one and then regret and...and probably by the time I would be able to start seriously looking at a reversal, I'd've come to my senses. I'm not the only woman who thinks that way, either.

Another reason would be as communication to the boi that THERE WILL BE NO CHILDREN WITH ME. He's a fencesitter who's leaning toward being CF, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to let him know in certain terms that if he falls off on the childed side of the fence, he should not stick around in hopes that I'll change my mind. I don't know if that's a bad reason to want a tubal or not. (And damn, I hope he comes off that fence the right way...because I'd hate to lose a good relationship solely because of some fucking kid(s) that only freaking exists in theory.

i am sure this board or its offspring will still be here to persuade you not too have a reversal.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein