In Search Of Friends - Part II (but only if you do what what I want!...)

Ok, so recently, I tried to start a new friendship with someone who responded to post I created on that same local website I created the first topic about. A couple of Saturdays ago, she and I met, went shopping and afterwards, we went to a local coffee shop, talked and had what I thought was a good time. After that Saturday, however, she didn’t seem too interested in contacting me anymore. The times I did have contact with her were initiated by me, and this was here on MySpace.

While browsing the website last Friday night, I saw a post, and I was able to figure out that this was the same person! WTF?!!!! I read her post, and it seemed really desperate:

“I can't believe it is another Friday night and I am at home doing nothing. I am looking for someone that is serious about finding a platonic friendship. I am a black professional female. I am a loving kind hearted person. I am looking for something that would have time to hangout and do things together. If your life is really busy and don't have time to really hang out then us making a friendship connection would be very difficult. Please individual with extra time in there life please contact me. I know a true friend is out there somewhere. Also, I am in a serious relationship with no kids.”

Well, I decided to send her an e-mail and ask her if she wrote this most recent post, and she admitted that she did. She wrote to me, “I didn’t think you’d take it personally, but I need to find other people to do other things with. You don’t like to go to the club, so I need to find someone else to do that with.” How could she think I wouldn’t take it personally? I mean, what am I – chopped liver? The Invisible Woman?!! So, are the type of friends she is looking for are the ones she can go to “the club” with? I thought she wanted me as a friend, but I guess not really. Did she think I was sooooo busy that I didn’t have time to hang out with her as I did two Saturdays ago? Granted, she and I just met, but I felt dissed and thought, “Oh, no, not another one…here we go again!!!” She has not called me or e-mailed me since then, and guess I won’t be her, er, as she put it, “true friend.”

More than most of the time I try to make new friends, this kind of thing happens. Not all the time, but about 95-96% of the time. I really do try to be a nice person. I really try to extend myself and be a friend to other people who claim they want friends, but it seems I get shot down most of the time. I know that I have to get up, shake the dust off and move on, but I'M SO PISSED!! ARGGHHH!! I'm so tired of this bullshit!!

I can not answer your why...
In my experience, finding friends works best in real life. I've met many good friends through volunteer work and pursuing activities that I enjoy with other like-minded people (classes, birdwatching groups, political rallys and organizations, sports, hobbyist meetings, whatever). That way you already know you've got at least one similar interest, something to talk about, and if you're in a volunteer work situation, the opportunity to be quiet without any uncomfortable silence. Plus, you're helping the community, or expanding your own horizions.

Feh Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I can not answer your why...
> In my experience, finding friends works best in
> real life. I've met many good friends through
> volunteer work and pursuing activities that I
> enjoy with other like-minded people (classes,
> birdwatching groups, political rallys and
> organizations, sports, hobbyist meetings,
> whatever). That way you already know you've got
> at least one similar interest, something to talk
> about, and if you're in a volunteer work
> situation, the opportunity to be quiet without any
> uncomfortable silence. Plus, you're helping the
> community, or expanding your own horizions.


I am beginning to see that even with trying to find platonic friendships online, it's still like online dating. You're still trying to sell yourself to the highest bidder, and based on what you look like, what you do, how much you make, what you drive, etc., a person can still reject you outright. BLECH.

I do not volunteer or do things in the community at this time, but maybe I need to look into something like that to get myself out of this rut.

its a gamble, i have a few good friends online, i met my fiancee online.

yes you may get rejections, but you are just winnowing the dross..

vlm you seem like a good intelligent person, so there should be no problem in you getting friends.. its not your problem.. its theirs. they cant see how nice you are how clever.. so who is really going to lose out, they are.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

VLM, that is why I often prefer spending time alone. At least, I know I will not be disappointed since I am not expecting anything...

mercurior Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> its a gamble, i have a few good friends online, i
> met my fiancee online.
>
> yes you may get rejections, but you are just
> winnowing the dross..
>
> vlm you seem like a good intelligent person, so
> there should be no problem in you getting
> friends.. its not your problem.. its theirs. they
> cant see how nice you are how clever.. so who is
> really going to lose out, they are.



Yeah, I agree that they are losing out, but it still annoys me to no end.

Thank you, Merc, for your kind words. Sometimes, you just need to hear/read something like that every now and then to know that YOU'RE OKAY, even though you already know that!

You're a pretty great guy yourself, Merc. Rowan is a blessed CF lady! .

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> VLM, that is why I often prefer spending time
> alone. At least, I know I will not be disappointed
> since I am not expecting anything...


I hear ya. I would love a small circle of good female friends with whom to hang out, but for now, I think I may have to accept that that may not happen anytime soon. My best friend is in another state, and while we talk over the phone and internet daily, but it's not the same as being in the same space on a daily basis.

*sigh*

i dont see anyone, only mum and bro and the 2 dogs. my fiancee is 5000 miles away, i dont have many friends where i live they all have lives (and one is cf just found out).. i spend most of my life online, and some of the good people on this board are what i consider friends. even though i may never meet them.

in fact i find them to be more real, because theres no pretention, no i am better than you, i can wear my slob wear and no one cares, theres no skin colour on the boards, only the words.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

I found another post by the same person I referred to earlier in this thread. She just changed some words and added some text to make herself sound a bit different:

"I am looking to expand my network of friends. I am seeking either single women (meaning without kids) or women with kids that have freedom to hang out beyond weekday, weekend afternoon lunches, coffee, etc. I have friends that have kids but can't be as spontaneous as I would like. I am professional, intellectual, independent and open-minded. I am serious about life but a free spirit as well. I am attractive, fit, fashionable and seeking the same in prospective friends. I also love to travel, cook and shop. I love music (jazz, r&b, latin, old school)theatre, movies, dancing, social drinking (not getting drunk).

Please be fun, smart, adventurous, fit, open-minded, confident, attractive and have enough money to have fun. I am open to all races but understand that I am African American and involved in African American culture and want friends who are open to this although I am interested in experiencing all cultures.

No cynical, bitter, male-bashing females please."

Sounds to me like she's looking for a girlfriend rather than a friend, so maybe that was what she wanted.

VLM, interesting how the woman did not mention her "serious relationship" in her new profile. Unfortunately, having more than one profile seems to be the norm on many of these "connection" sites. It is more common on dating websites. When I was looking a very long time ago, I was literally shocked to get messaged by fellows who had more than one profile. How could I tell of the duo-profiles? Cities may be different (yet in the same vicinity) but the birth sign, age, and interests were the same as well as the way the person wrote up his profile. As if I could trust someone like that! I feel myself to be pretty "street smart" but was very naive when it came to meeting people on the Internet! I was so clueless as to how people were into trickery on these sites. Your former friend may be looking for something beyond platonic friendship as she mentions her attractiveness and how the other person should have the $$$ to do what she wants.

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> VLM, interesting how the woman did not mention her
> "serious relationship" in her new profile.
> Unfortunately, having more than one profile seems
> to be the norm on many of these "connection"
> sites. It is more common on dating websites. When
> I was looking a very long time ago, I was
> literally shocked to get messaged by fellows who
> had more than one profile. How could I tell of the
> duo-profiles? Cities may be different but the
> birth sign, age, and interests were the same as
> well as the way the person wrote up his profile.
> As if I could trust someone like that! I feel
> myself to be pretty "street smart" but was very
> naive when it came to meeting people on the
> Internet! I was so clueless as to how people
> were into trickery on these sites. Your former
> friend may be looking for something beyond
> platonic friendship as she mentions her
> attractiveness and how the other person should
> have the $$$ to do what she wants.


Just by the way this post is wrote, I can tell it's her. I also noticed she didn't mention her man, either. I hate it when people try to hide behind what they really want by masking it as something else. If she really wants to experience getting down with a woman, then there are categories that are specifically for that.

Incidentally, I noticed after she saw my pictures on my MySpace page, is when she stopped contacting me. I saw her picture and told her she was cute; she saw mine and said "Nice pic." which is the code phrase most people online use when they see someone's picture and think that person is "ugly" or "unattractive."

Good riddance to this nutfuck. LOL

Just be glad you dodged that bullet, VLM. One man on the site a long time ago was saying how he wanted a nice person and all that. He got weird in e-mail after two weeks so I told him to no longer contact me. Well...a little while later his profile was updated to state how he wanted a much-younger woman who would be a "sub" and was into bondage, S&M, tying up people, and spanking. God...I am glad this idiot got freaky on me before I ever agreed to meet him. That was back in mid-2005. Jesus...he may be on an FBI list by now! VLM, please be careful even with "friends only" meet-ups. There are a lot of criminals out there and it is easy to feel "comfortable" via e-mail as people will say what the other person wants him/her to hear. It is also dangerous for males as well.

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Just be glad you dodged that bullet, VLM. One man
> on the site a long time ago was saying how he
> wanted a nice person and all that. He got weird in
> e-mail after two weeks so I told him to no longer
> contact me. Well...a little while later his
> profile was updated to state how he wanted a
> much-younger woman who would be a "sub" and was
> into bondage, S&M, tying up people, and spanking.
> God...I am glad this idiot got freaky on me before
> I ever agreed to meet him. That was back in
> mid-2005. Jesus...he may be on an FBI list by now!
> VLM, please be careful even with "friends only"
> meet-ups. There are a lot of criminals out there
> and it is easy to feel "comfortable" via e-mail as
> people will say what the other person wants
> him/her to hear. It is also dangerous for males as
> well.



Yikes @ that guy you e-mailed a couple of years ago!

So many people online like to hide behind the PC or their username and you never really know them until you meet or start conversing with them. Or they don't want to truly establish a real relationship offline, but want to keep you as a permanent "online buddy".

I have learned my lesson well and I have decided not to put any posts out there or respond to any posts searching for friends indefinitely.

well, i can say i met my rowan online, not on a dating site. and guess what we are getting married end of this month.

it can work. and it cant. but thats the same whether its online or offline.

the man or woman in the pub, they could be the same as online.

*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii

Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

VLM Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Yikes @ that guy you e-mailed a couple of years
> ago!
>
> So many people online like to hide behind the PC
> or their username and you never really know them
> until you meet or start conversing with them. Or
> they don't want to truly establish a real
> relationship offline, but want to keep you as a
> permanent "online buddy".

I have noticed that, too, even on that site where people were looking to have a more intimate relationship. That weirdo guy seemed okay with being an e-mail buddy. I was looking for that "someone" rather than just exchange e-mails to death...even though I actually like to do e-mails...but not in that setting. I was asking myself, "Are we ever going to meet or will this just be an ongoing e-mail chat thing???"

Yeah...I am fortunate that the man showed his creepy and dangerous side before I drove two hours to meet him in the Tampa area. In that sense, him just wanting e-mails COULD HAVE been a lifesaver!!!!! I can see e-mail buddies for platonic friendships as I have those and it is nice to be able to write to someone rather than make a phone call. Hey...I met someone even BETTER so it worked out quite well!
>
> I have learned my lesson well and I have decided
> not to put any posts out there or respond to any
> posts searching for friends indefinitely.

Just be careful...

mercurior Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> well, i can say i met my rowan online, not on a
> dating site. and guess what we are getting
> married end of this month.
>
> it can work. and it cant. but thats the same
> whether its online or offline.
>
> the man or woman in the pub, they could be the
> same as online.

I agree, Merc, as I met my husband online, too, on a non-dating, MySpace-like site. It can work, but there are those who are just nuts!

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> VLM Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
>
> > Yikes @ that guy you e-mailed a couple of years
> > ago!
> >
> > So many people online like to hide behind the
> PC
> > or their username and you never really know
> them
> > until you meet or start conversing with them.
> Or
> > they don't want to truly establish a real
> > relationship offline, but want to keep you as a
> > permanent "online buddy".
>
> I have noticed that, too, even on that site where
> people were looking to have a more intimate
> relationship. That weirdo guy seemed okay with
> being an e-mail buddy. I was looking for that
> "someone" rather than just exchange e-mails to
> death...even though I actually like to do
> e-mails...but not in that setting. I was asking
> myself, "Are we ever going to meet or will this
> just be an ongoing e-mail chat thing???"
>
> Yeah...I am fortunate that the man showed his
> creepy and dangerous side before I drove two hours
> to meet him in the Tampa area. In that sense, him
> just wanting e-mails COULD HAVE been a
> lifesaver!!!!! I can see e-mail buddies for
> platonic friendships as I have those and it is
> nice to be able to write to someone rather than
> make a phone call. Hey...I met someone even BETTER
> so it worked out quite well!
> >
> > I have learned my lesson well and I have
> decided
> > not to put any posts out there or respond to
> any
> > posts searching for friends indefinitely.
>
> Just be careful...


I will definitely be A LOT more careful.

VLM Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> mercurior Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > well, i can say i met my rowan online, not on a
> > dating site. and guess what we are getting
> > married end of this month.
> >
> > it can work. and it cant. but thats the same
> > whether its online or offline.
> >
> > the man or woman in the pub, they could be the
> > same as online.
>
> I agree, Merc, as I met my husband online, too, on
> a non-dating, MySpace-like site. It can work, but
> there are those who are just nuts!


Many of us do meet our significant others online. The 'Net has become the electronic version of the newspaper's personals ads. I feel MySpace is a fucking cesspool. I used to do the computer work for a small Liberal Catholic Church (not at all affiliated with the Roman Church) who had spots on Yahoo's e-groups and MySpace. Never could figure WHY the priest wanted a MySpace ad as there were creepy people of both genders as "friends" on his list. I stopped doing the Web work as the church is pretty dysfunctional. Smaller and more liberal places of worship are no Nirvana, either.

OMFG, I think I'm gonna hurl:

Cute people should hang together!!! - w4mw - 19

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: XXXXXX
Date: 2007-10-11, 3:12PM CDT


Hey I am a 19 year old female just looking to hang out. I am in a committed relationship and am not looking for anything on the side, I just need time to hang with the girls or the guys. Basically i need a new circle of friends, also i need a roomie eventually. I prefer attractive friends and it doesnt matter if ur gay straight lesbian all is welcome. :-)

All "is" welcome, as long as you're "cute." People trip me out and the younger ones seem to be even more shallow than ever.

I am certain the young one does not care about lesbians as he probably has the typical male fantasy of watching two girls get it on and then join in on the act...

VLM, I always was honest and listed "a few pounds extra" in the weight category. One man who had said he wanted "no fat chicks" in his profile e-mailed me. I loved telling him that he wasted the $6 or so that cost him to message someone on the site as I was not the svelte chick he was seeking. I did that to a few extra fellows who went on about their great looks and expected the same in a woman. I know...I'm a bitch...hoo-ha!!!

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> VLM, I always was honest and listed "a few pounds
> extra" in the weight category. One man who had
> said he wanted "no fat chicks" in his profile
> e-mailed me. I loved telling him that he wasted
> the $6 or so that cost him to message someone on
> the site as I was not the svelte chick he was
> seeking. I did that to a few extra fellows who
> went on about their great looks and expected the
> same in a woman. I know...I'm a bitch...hoo-ha!!!
>



Nah, hon, you're no bitch. You're just reciprocating some of things some guys do to women. Another thing I hated when I was trying to date when I was single were the ads that included text like, "I am looking for a good woman. She must be smart, affectionate, have her own job, place to live, no kids, etc." and they would just conveniently leave out what type of woman physically they are looking for. So, when I would answer their ad, first question I would get is "Sooooo, HOW DO YOU LOOK?" Or, "CAN I GET A PIC?" As you wrote above, I also got the chauvinistic, double standard bastards who wouldn't mention how they look or if they did, they probably puffed themselves up, but wanted a perfect Barbie doll. I know nothing has changed since I got married, and I don't miss the single life at all. LOL

amethusos* Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am certain the young one does not care about
> lesbians as he probably has the typical male
> fantasy of watching two girls get it on and then
> join in on the act...
>

LOL This girl doesn't elude to the fact that of whether she has boyfriend or girlfriend, just that she's in a "committed" relationship, so it's possible she is bi or lesbian. Again, these people trip me out. I read between the lines of posts like these and see nothing but lies and bullshit.