What IS it with younger guys and me?

I don't know if it's how I dress, or put on my makeup, or what. I'll be 30 next month, and the majority of men attracted to me range from 21-25, mostly on the lower end of the scale. The idea has always been squicky for me (just a personal taste thing), and last year I decided to give it a go. Well, that ended poorly as the guy was a sociopath, pedo, and general ultra-creeper, but besides that the maturity difference damn near drove me nuts.

Most recently, a coworker asked a mutual friend (my best friend) to ask me how I'd feel about dinner with him >< Really? Are we in the 7th grade? He's not quite 23, and we do have a lot in common, but after considering for a short while just because, I think no. I even consulted with some friends of mine.

Male friend of ten+ years from internet: "Wait, he asked your friend to ask you? Just say thanks but no thanks."

Coworker/friend/mother figure type person: "Oh. Oh dear. I don't think so."

PNB friend with excellent intuition, thought my ex from last year was "really creepy" and turned out to be spot on: "Hmm. . . . No. Wait. No, no, no, no, nooo. HELL no![/i]" She thinks this one is creepy, too.

I mean, really? Do I need to change the way I dress or something? I can't really judge this guy on weird hobbies because we're both geeks and enjoy 'childish' things, but I just have that weird gut feeling, you know? And the age really does bother me, I feel like I'm on a date or making out with a nephew/kid brother and I don't want to hang out with a bunch of his creepy friends in fedoras. I'd just rather find someone around my age or even older who isn't obsessed with Pokemon.

If age bothers you, it won't work. Age doesn't bother me, so I've gone about +/- 15 years, and as I get older I guess that range will only expand, at least in one direction. Figure out if it's social pressure telling you that you can't be with a younger person (because really, it's not much age difference you're talking about), or if it's something you feel in response to immaturity or other problems you've perceived in these people.

The age gap you describe doesn't strike me as enormous, But...If the age bothers you on a basic, gut level...then go with that. Nothing wrong with having preferences. There's a strange PC movement now in which anyone who shows any kind of preferences is harassed for being "superficial" and "not giving them a chance". Bullshit. You like what you like, and if there's zero chemistry then "giving them a chance" won't help. If younger guys squick you out, go for your age or older.

I noticed as I got older that my "age window" shifted upwards...my tolerance for younger men dropped, while I was willing to at least give a chance to guys who just a few years previously I would have written off as "too old". I seem to be collecting male buddies that are my age or younger now, too. Funny how that works.

Don't change how you dress or present yourself. Be you. Take a look inward, see if it's social/peer pressure about dating ages, and then go with what you are attracted to.

I agree with your friends re: the guy who had your friend ask you out for him. If he can't ask in person (and text/call/email/skywriter all count as in person, I think), then he needs to work on that. And that goes for women asking people out, too. Being rejected shouldn't shatter the asker, and if he's still at the point where it still does then he needs to buck up a bit. Amateur hour is over; grown-ups ask each other out in person.

Another thing: I'm pretty geeky myself..and I love myself some geeky boys! There are articulate geeky boys out there who don't revert to middle school tactics in asking someone on a date. Find one of them.

Maybe your creepdar is more acute than most. Heed it.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

I have very bad luck with men, I have given up. I wouldn't know where I could meet any, anyway. And I interact with enough of people, but I already kind of know all of them.

And I actually *do* hang around in bars - but these would be more like upscale cocktail lounges or restaurants where I would be meeting someone for a biz discussion, or out with friends etc. So if you are *with someone* not many people are going to approach you. And, in spots like these - there's a certain type of people who hang around them and they might be a pick up artists or - they might be looking for suckers to sell insurance to or rook into some MLM scheme.

Plenty of biz guys are shifty and or fucked up in the head, also. The De Luxe package includes a Psycho Bitch wife and Uber Brat crotchlings.

And then of course I go out in public, the usual, stores, library, whatever. In public places - it's not Joe Biz or Joe Trades guy who hits on me - you can tell those too by how they're dressed and they will often have on outer wear - various patches of whatever Union they belong to. Pretty easy to spot.

But it's not any type of normal person who hits on me - oh no, it's This Guy.

Or, one of his good buddies such as Mr. Psychotic Homeless Guy or Mr. Thoroughly Pickled by Fortified Wine Guy. There is also Gigantic Fat Slob Covered in Pimples and Mr. I Just Got Out Of Prison!

On one's looks and appearance - I either go around 'dressed down', way down, which would be jeans, t shirt, hair up, baseball hat - and pretty much no one notices me nor speaks much to me.

Otherwise I might have on work clothes - which would be a suit. And which would be nearly 100% of the time a pants suit because I do not like to wear skirts and heels (I find these uncomfortable).

So - IMO I look 'plain'. Jane Average. Does Joe Average speak to me? NO. It's always some psychopath who looks like they just crawled up from the sewer. GAH.

And then - when someone *seemingly normal* does decide to interact with me, in whatever setting, including work related things where you can have a bit more time to get to know someone - what always happens is - Joe Average seems like an OK guy. But then something comes out like - yeah, I sure am glad those arson charges were finally dropped. Or - my ex wife will tell you that I tried to choke her but that's a flat out lie!

ERG.

I tried online dating, that was another FAIL. That Guy is online, too. And makes a beeline for me there, too. I tried to send someone a message once - it wouldn't go through! I'm trying to remember that - I have a vague memory of like right when I hit 'send' - the electric failed and everything. It was weird. The Hand of Fate mocks me LOL.

Or it's my destiny to become a skid row wino or something.

So, Honey, is it a problem for you that I live in a half way house?

My ex did similar shit - asked his buddy to ask me how I felt about him, and at the time, I thought it was cute because I was like, "Aww, he's shy." But that was back in high school. Surely a grown man would have the balls to tell you himself, even if he was incredibly nervous. But if your gut (and several people) is/are telling you this guy is trouble, then I'd say listen. Why is it guys are always either too nervous to say anything or not the least bit ashamed (and these ones are generally the creeps) and no one is ever in the middle?

I sometimes attract some interesting guys too, and I used to think that being huge would deter some of them, but NOPE. Best one ever was some weirdo who tried to pick me up in Wal-Mart. And holy fuck, online is even worse - I once had some guy in his sixties constantly message me anytime I was online, telling me he wanted to be part of my fantasies. Sorry Gramps, but my fantasies do not include men old enough to be my father.

Though I will admit that in one case, getting chatted up by a creep ended well. Imagine a gangly guy in his mid-twenties with a mohawk spiked up with glue, jeans covered in painted-on peace signs, and eyes going in two directions. He sat next to me on an empty trolley after class one day and he'd been drinking. I thought, "Oh goddammit, who the fuck is this freak and why are they sitting with me?" I actually didn't know at first if this person was a guy or a butch, punk lesbian because he looked very androgynous. Then we talked about what it would be like to die from getting struck by lightning while sitting on a toilet.

Those were the magic words, I guess. We became very good friends and spent a vast majority of the following three years together doing stupid shit. And we're still good friends, but I don't get to see him because he lives in St. Louis now. :bawl

Yeah, something just tells me no. I don’t know if it's my creep-o-meter going off or if I just don't like him that way (known him for about two years now), but I just don't want to bother. Normally the prospect of being with a potential partner gets me nervous in a good way, the idea of this just makes me panicky and slightly nauseous, and not in the butterflies way.

Oh and did I mention, this guy was good friends with the socio/pedo from last year. I mean sure, that guy had a lot of people fooled, but new kid will still reminisce about stupid things they used to do together and that bothers me a lot.

I can't say I'd swear someone off on age altogether, there are always exceptions. I have another friend in his early twenties that I'd be happy to give a shot, but we always thought he was gay until he's in a relationship with a woman. Whoops, we were very wrong. But he's mature, has his own car, his own place, and spoils his pets. He's worked his way up to middle management, so definitely not the guy working part time and blowing all his cash on game systems and upgrades.

Thanks for the responses though, I felt like I was being a close - minded bitch at first, but when you have a weird feeling, you have a weird feeling. PNB actually sealed it for me. After her nailing pedo for what he was, I've decided I'd like her opinion on all prospects. She spent several years married to a socio and can usually spot creepers from a long way off.

They deliberately go for 30+ women, because they think they're horny and good in bed. You also have creepy old geezers to look forward to.

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" ... what's one more once you've already got two shedding on the couch?"

I just have to wonder where all the geeky 22 year olds were WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY 22. It's just not fair *sniffle*

I feel a little bad for my initial reaction now because he does seem like a sweet guy, we have a lot in common and I should probably not compare him to his ex friend so much. But still, he's still "____'s little brother" or that guy at the Christmas/Halloween party a few years ago who sat there with a coke while everyone made jokes about not letting little children have alcohol :redface

So this guy was persistent, to the point of messaging me at least three times a day. Any time I saw him in person was incredibly awkward. He's finally stopped contacting me. Lord, he was clingy and clueless. I never gave any inclination that I was into him.

Has shaved his head completely down and still has kept the long weird beard. Looks like a white supremacist. Latest Facebook status reads thus:



Well, maybe that's why he cut his hair. But he also seems to think that 'summer fleas' in the house is normal and sees nothing wrong with letting the world know via social media that he has them.

Gross! My parents made us live with fleas too. It turns out there's stuff you can do to get rid of them... idiots! I coped by keeping water by my bed where they would get stuck. That did nothing for the rest of the house though. Some people are just fucking morons...

Have never had fleas as an adult, and I live with a dog and two cats. Prevention works! Google is your friend.

It would be extra hilarious if this guy doesn't have pets.

I think he does have a dog, but with all of the topicals,pills, and countless preventatives available today, there's absolutely no excuse to be overrun with fleas. We give all of our dogs Comfortis because the Advantage stopped working on them, and I put topicals on my outdoor cat(s). (I will NOT adopt this stray, I will NOT adopt this stray . . . but he won't go away and he's so snuggly! ) One flea is too many fleas!

I'm still not sure if he's on the creep level of our pedophile friend, but there's definitely something odd about him. I actually told him I'd be at the rodeo with my parents, thinking that would scare him off, as my parents are apt to doing, but it didn't really work. He did, however, decide to point out how few black people were there and found the one black guy standing in the middle of hundreds of white people in cowboy hats incredibly amusing/"sad". I only wish my black lesbian friend and her white girlfriend had showed up and sat with us to make things extra awkward, but they didn't.

Young, inexperienced, socially awkward guys (or any combination thereof) tend to get stuck on cute, confident, decent women (decent as in "treats guy like a fellow human being"). Sometimes, I question whether or not I should just be a huge cunt, but I can't do that unless someone crosses a line. If they don't take no for an answer, throw the bitch switch and make sure you've gotten witnesses or another indisputable record of a demand that he doesn't contact you via any medium, and if you work with him, make sure someone else is present or that you have a recording device, should you cross paths.

I've had run-ins with creeps that took me MONTHS to get rid of. I'm talking 50 texts in two days, multiple blocked calls (sent straight to vmail) and texts every day for months, notes left on my car (stating that my comings and goings were watched), firecrackers set off on my porch, creeps at work, you name it (these were all different weirdos; in one case, it was three at a time). Some were younger, some my age, some older, but the common thread was social awkwardness not immediately evident, resulting in the creepers taking a "Hi," in return as "OMfG she acknowledged my existence, she must be interested! Must start stalking campaign now!"

As a result, I'm icy and curt, but not quite cunty... until the line is crossed. It sucks to be/feel compelled to change, because people are dense as fuck, creepy, entitled, or just inconsiderate and disrespectful of your autonomy.

I know you don't enjoy being an asshole, and you certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be the person that ruins someone's day; but if you need to get rid of him (the squicky gut feeling seems like you do), throw the Bitch Switch (obviously without making it personal), and let this guy know that you're not interested and you don't want to be friends. End of. If you "have a boyfriend" or "have something else to do that you can't get out of," he'll just think that those are the only things keeping you guys from happening as a couple; that you really like him, but you're taken, busy, etc., but things might eventually change.

The fact that he gives you the creeps, even if that feeling ends up being unfounded, is your gift of subconscious behavioral observation trying to keep you safe.
NEVER ignore that. Society has conditioned women to "be nice," to smile on command, to always accept the kindness of a stranger (even as they invade your personal space and attempt to build a false comradery), or to feel sorry for the loner (lots are loners by choice, or just introverted and picky about the company they keep - nothing wrong with that). Well, fuck society right in the ear.

After you tell him to buzz off, without justifying your decision, be ready to go hard, just in case he doesn't take no for an answer. It usually doesn't come to that. Mostly, no response is quite effective, as is changing one's contact information. Fake names for social media and email addresses that don't link to or contain your name, as well as not posting pics at all (or not without strict privacy settings, even then, it's iffy) work well to avoid the technically unsavvy cyber stalker.

Please forgive the hypervigilance, if it's a little much. I'm just that way bc I'm a creep magnet, lived alone for a long time, and have been scared shitless or highly pissed by weirdo shenanigans. Never, ever feel bad for trusting your gut, asserting your autonomy, or your right to a personal life and circle of friends of your choosing.

Be safe.

Nah, you're fine I really don't communicate with this guy anymore, every now and then he'll 'like' something I post on FB, but that's the extent of it. Phew. He did at least warn me he has the fault of 'falling too fast', but geez, if he's like that when there's no relationship involved, I'd hate to be exclusive with him. I do NOT want to be someone's 'world'. I don't want to be desperately needed, or be the reason for someone's happiness or reason for living. A person like that has all sorts of personal problems that need to be solved.