Feeling a little guilty...

I recently broke it off with a man I'd been speaking to for the past seven months. He didn't wrong me in any way, and we were going to meet up when the weather finally warmed to some degree. What made me break it off is when he described the kind of sexual acts he wanted to do with me. I won't describe them, but I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I couldn't handle what he wanted, so I thought it was best we end it there and go no further. There was no fight, so it didn't end badly. We said goodbye and that was that.

The thing is I feel a bit guilty. I still have feelings for him and I admit I feel like I broke my own heart ending things with him. I'm not sure what I feel guilty about, but I almost want to talk to him again because of it. I hope the feelings I have for him will wear off in time, but if they don't, I don't know what I'll do.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Why should you feel guilty about saying you don't want to do that? You have every right to declare what you want and what is not acceptable. Give yourself permission to have that. It sounds like an affirmation to me.

And I'll add my "old fogey" wisdom but discussing sexual stuff with someone you've never laid eyes on or spent time with in person sounds a little....creepy, like it was going to be a hookup relationship and that's about it. Otherwise why couldn't you remain friends? It makes me wonder if he was talking to you just so he could get in your pants.

His behaviour was outrageous, especially considering you have never met.
Do not feel guilty.
Be glad that he threw out that red flag and that you responded appropriately and are free of him.

DO NOT feel guilty!
I realize it is easy to connect with somebody online and feel an attraction for them. Hell, I met my husband through online dating. However, we met fairly quickly and dated casually for 9 months before we moved to an exclusive dating relationship, got engaged a year later and married after that.
I think online is a great way to meet people, especially if you are CF but if this guy has already shared something that is a dealbreaker there is no reason to pursue it.

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bell_flower
And I'll add my "old fogey" wisdom but discussing sexual stuff with someone you've never laid eyes on or spent time with in person sounds a little....creepy, like it was going to be a hookup relationship and that's about it. Otherwise why couldn't you remain friends? It makes me wonder if he was talking to you just so he could get in your pants.

We didn't have any trouble talking about other things and he didn't get "descriptive" until that night.

I wanted to stay friends and he even said it was my call. But when I said I wanted to, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Now that I think about it, it's possible we would've only had a hookup relationship. We live in different counties (30-40 minute between our towns), he wouldn't be able to see me until after four o'clock on weekdays (his work schedule) and weekends were out because he was often helping his parents.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Call me old-fashioned, but expressing one's anticipation of performing *ahem* imaginative sexual acts upon a person whom one has neither met face-to-face, nor so much as kissed, seems akin to putting the cart before the horse.

If what he finds erotic makes you nauseous...and you haven't even met the guy yet...that's a deal-breaker. You did the right thing.

Weekends are out because he's "helping his parents"?

eyes2

Translation - he's either married or has another woman.

And why should you feel guilty?

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I wanted to stay friends and he even said it was my call. But when I said I wanted to, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Which means - he's only looking for sex.

He's not feeling guilty for blowing you off - so neither should you feel guilty.

After I told him I wanted to end things, he said this:

"It's okay." *one second later* "No, it's not, but who cares?"

I took that as him being hurt or upset that I wanted to break it off.

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

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We didn't have any trouble talking about other things and he didn't get "descriptive" until that night.

But he still went there and it was still inappropriate.

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I took that as him being hurt or upset that I wanted to break it off.

Talk is cheap. Of course he's going to be disappointed if the hookup won't happen. Actions speak louder than words. If he were honestly available, he could have met you for coffee by now. There is a normal progression to on-line dating: initial meet-up in public place within a reasonable amount of time, and it progresses (or not) like ecb's situation.

Zelda is on to something:

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Translation - he's either married or has another woman.

This¹⁰⁰⁰. Some social dating sites estimate as many as 30% of all men on social dating sites are married.

Please don't give this guy another thought. He sounds like he wanted you to think you had some kind of faux emotional intimacy due to your phone conversations, which he hoped would lead to sex. In fact, he was bold enough to mention it and when you shot it down he thought, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At least that's another possible take on it.

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brown-eyed diamond
We didn't have any trouble talking about other things and he didn't get "descriptive" until that night.

I wanted to stay friends and he even said it was my call. But when I said I wanted to, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Now that I think about it, it's possible we would've only had a hookup relationship. We live in different counties (30-40 minute between our towns), he wouldn't be able to see me until after four o'clock on weekdays (his work schedule) and weekends were out because he was often helping his parents.

Bzzzt

Immature and enmeshed with his parents.

Notice that he is setting the rules (in the guise of it being about his committments) and, when you professed your discomfort about his sex talk, and wanted to set the tone of the beginning of the relationship, his reaction was basically "fine. then let's end this." Again, HIM controlling the situation.

Sounds like a spoiled Momma's Boy to me.

I suggest reading the Mother-in-law Stories board to learn to recognize the characteristics of men to be avoided.

I read your first post and thought "Okay, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly valid reason to end it", but your subsequent posts were one red flag after another. I'm also placing my bet on him being married/having a girlfriend and looking for some rumpy-pumpy on the side (only on weekdays too, so he can tell her that he's "working late").

I don't have low self-esteem. That's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
-Daria

Assuming he didn't lie to me, he sounded like he preferred to be away from his family. What he said exactly was, "My parents tend to keep me pretty busy on the weekends."

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Yeah, this guy is full of shit.
I know people who help care for elderly parents and they still are able to do things on weekends.
Presuming he is an adult, there is no reason he can not say no to these activities he claims have him unavailable every Friday night, all of Saturday and all of Sunday.
He is either married/attached, a single duh or way too attached and dependent on parents.
Run like the wind and do not look back.
My husband and I lived an hour apart in 2 different states so he really doesn't have a good excuse for not meeting you before now.

Many, many red flags here. Don't feel guilty; you did the right thing for yourself.

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mypersonality.info

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it."
George Bernard Shaw

"An oyster can play catch if u only give it the oprotunity"
Some random YouTube commenter

"hate comments will be deleted!! fuckers!"
Some random YouTube uploader

I'm with the others. I too see many red flags.

Don't feel guilty. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

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brown-eyed diamond
Assuming he didn't lie to me, he sounded like he preferred to be away from his family. What he said exactly was, "My parents tend to keep me pretty busy on the weekends."

If he doesn't have the spine to say "no" now, don't you be the reason he gives his parents for not being available. That will put you in the light of being the person who takes him away from them. Too often, situations like that end up with the man trying to please both sides and complaining that he is "caught in the middle."

The main point is that you aren't feeling 100% positive about this situation, yet you have that conditioned guilt reaction that too many women develop. Best to just listen to your gut feelings about this.

I'm a tad late to this party, but...you have nothing to feel guilty about. You'll find someone better...whenever you decide to go down that path again.

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

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There's nothing to feel guilty about. You don't owe anyone sex just because they spend time with you.

I had a guy get explicit with me once he realized we had a mutual attraction. Being as I wanted to get frisky with him regardless of what else happened, I didn't let it bother me, but he really did turn out to be a creep. Put me off hookup/FWB/fuck buddy relationships probably forever, which is a good thing. You aren't missing out on anything and you did the right thing, making you feel guilty is probably exactly what he wants, just remove him from your contacts and your life, you deserve better.

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Shiny
I had a guy get explicit with me once he realized we had a mutual attraction.

Must be my attitude. Had a guy talk like that to me, sending me off into gales of laughter larious

I prefer subtlety eyes2

Thank you, everybody.

Hmm. You all have pointed out a lot of red flags I didn't see. But I just remembered something from the last conversation we had before I broke it off. This was when I pointed out how eager he seemed for sex.

Him: Just one of those bucket list things.
Me: You've had sex before. How is it on your bucket list?
Him: I've never taken anyone's virginity before.

Yes, he knew damn well I've never had sex before. I made this clear as day and I actually freaked out when he got explicit as he did. I kept thinking why would you talk like that to someone you know hasn't had sex or done anything sexual?

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"Be yourself, no matter what. Some will adore you, and some will hate everything about you, but who cares?

It's your life. Make the most out of it."

Virginity on a bucket list...Cheezus on a fucking cracker... I took my ex's virginity, but I didn't make a big fucking production out of it...it happened when it did.

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Why live in a fishbowl, when you could be swimming in the ocean?

"She, and all other rabid breeders, are like crabs in a bucket headed to Red Lobster. When they see a smarter crab escaping, they try to pull it back in." - Miss Hannigan

"Yeah, that's what family is about - guilt tripping people into cleaning up someone else's mess." - mrs. chinaski

(Shameless blog promotion: http://popcornculturejunkie.wordpress.com/)

(Cornucopia of visual rantage: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD78oSD27mzAlVzsB0q2ibA)

I find what he said was super creepy. Taking someone's virginity is on his bucket list? He was clearly only going to use you for sex. Who knows? He may have taken your virginity and never called you again. Good thing you kicked this loser to the curb!

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brown-eyed diamond
Him: Just one of those bucket list things.
Me: You've had sex before. How is it on your bucket list?
Him: I've never taken anyone's virginity before.

Translation: "I see you as "undamaged goods" - a toy fresh out of package, if you will - and I will dump you once I've used you up."
Ain't no sleazeball like a sleazeball with a virgin fetish.

I don't have low self-esteem. That's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
-Daria

Taking somebody's virginity is on his bucket list? And he TOLD you?! What an asshole. Don't feel guilty. When you give it up, it should be to somebody who wants to do it with you because they care about you and showing you an experience that will set the stage for a lifetime of sexual enjoyment.

Google Dan Savage and the Campsite Rule, and then insist that whoever you give it up to follows that rule. To paraphrase:

Campsite Rule: in relationships with a large age (or in this case experience) disparity, at the end of the relationship, the elder (or more experienced) partner should leave the younger (less experienced) partner in "better shape than they found them". This includes no diseases, no fertilized eggs, no undue emotional trauma, and whatever education that can be provided.