Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs
Posted by starbelly
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs June 23, 2014 |
Try telling people like this that you're a Jew. They'll be breaking out the Holy Water and calling an Exorcist.
I'm not religious btw. None of my relatives are either. Some also belong to the Xtian Methodist Church, some got married in that, or in the Temple (Reform, which is 'Jew Lite').
I was married to a Catholic, he and they were not really religious. Him, in some ways - from the stray angles of 'perks' for men - such as The Bible says The Mayun is King Of The Castle.
Needless to say, I am now divorced. And I try to steer clear of any religious types, even the nominal or 'mild' ones. Hard core Bible Thumpers? Of the Xtian type - they're none too fond of 'my tribe'. So.
If you really want to drive these people batshit nuts - tell them you're converting to Judaism
It's a very sinister thing - right here - that you are even reading this. You're getting corrupted by Jews by simply *looking at this*!
LOL
Anyway, I am not religious either, I just try to act like a decent person. What more can you do anyway?
If I do get any religion - I'm thinking of taking up Voo Doo. Seriously. This looks like it might be the way to go. Voo Doo, Hoo Doo, Santeria, Palo Mayombe - that all looks like some good stuff right there!
Or, if one is going to be 'authentic' with an Abrahamic religion - probably this should be backed up before the Xtians, before the Jews, into the precursor 'religions' there which called for much sacrifice. Gotta toss *babies* on the fire for Molekh.
You should point this out to the relatives. They're inauthentic. Heretics, they are! You should abs. toss a few babies onto the next bbq. Because - Religion!
PSA: If you eat Chinese food on XMess day - this automatically turns you Jew.
I'm not religious btw. None of my relatives are either. Some also belong to the Xtian Methodist Church, some got married in that, or in the Temple (Reform, which is 'Jew Lite').
I was married to a Catholic, he and they were not really religious. Him, in some ways - from the stray angles of 'perks' for men - such as The Bible says The Mayun is King Of The Castle.
Needless to say, I am now divorced. And I try to steer clear of any religious types, even the nominal or 'mild' ones. Hard core Bible Thumpers? Of the Xtian type - they're none too fond of 'my tribe'. So.
If you really want to drive these people batshit nuts - tell them you're converting to Judaism
It's a very sinister thing - right here - that you are even reading this. You're getting corrupted by Jews by simply *looking at this*!
LOL
Anyway, I am not religious either, I just try to act like a decent person. What more can you do anyway?
If I do get any religion - I'm thinking of taking up Voo Doo. Seriously. This looks like it might be the way to go. Voo Doo, Hoo Doo, Santeria, Palo Mayombe - that all looks like some good stuff right there!
Or, if one is going to be 'authentic' with an Abrahamic religion - probably this should be backed up before the Xtians, before the Jews, into the precursor 'religions' there which called for much sacrifice. Gotta toss *babies* on the fire for Molekh.
You should point this out to the relatives. They're inauthentic. Heretics, they are! You should abs. toss a few babies onto the next bbq. Because - Religion!
PSA: If you eat Chinese food on XMess day - this automatically turns you Jew.
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs June 23, 2014 |
Sorry you're having to go through this. 
I think he NEEDS, if he wants a lifetime with you, to stand up to his folks and demand they respect him and you, however. How and if you go about telling him this is a requirement for you is completely up to you, though. That being said, if you are willing to marry without him going through the butthurt of getting an annulment and still want to see his family at gatherings, and you guys want to sleep together in the same bed, tell the inlaws that's cool, we'll just stay at a hotel and come by for the gathering later. I don't think you should be un-invited to family stuff or kept a secret. That's just not cool.
I think he NEEDS, if he wants a lifetime with you, to stand up to his folks and demand they respect him and you, however. How and if you go about telling him this is a requirement for you is completely up to you, though. That being said, if you are willing to marry without him going through the butthurt of getting an annulment and still want to see his family at gatherings, and you guys want to sleep together in the same bed, tell the inlaws that's cool, we'll just stay at a hotel and come by for the gathering later. I don't think you should be un-invited to family stuff or kept a secret. That's just not cool.|
Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs June 24, 2014 |
Thanks guys, appreciate the advice (and the LOLZ, Zzelda), I do think that when he gets back out to California that he will tell them. We plan to move in together, and I think them knowing about me will be a prerequisite to that, especially if we purchase property. I won't enter into any legal obligations without the relationship being out in the open to everybody. I have met his two siblings that are cool (they are way cool), and his niece who is in her 20s. I've also met a lot of his oldest and closest friends, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. But one thing I won't do is lie to anybody about the nature of our relationship.
Feeling a lot better about this - thanks again!
smile
Feeling a lot better about this - thanks again!
smile|
Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs June 27, 2014 |
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Dorisan
Before you two take the step to own property, I strongly suggest counseling. You need a detached, professional third-party to help work out the situation and - importantly - to be a witness to any sort of compromises you are forced to work out. If your SO thinks that it can be worked out just between you two, it makes it easier for him to wriggle out of the agreement down the road. And he will try to do that. He's no superman. He will be subjected to pressures from his parents that will make him cave unless you can present to him the agreement (much-much better if it is in writing) that you agreed to together in front of a professional counselor/mediator.
Good luck on this. It sounds like you are in for a hard road ahead of you. He better prove to you that he is worth it.
I'm inclined to agree 100% with what Dorisan said. I wish you the best of luck! I know this sort of stuff is really hard, especially when you really love someone...
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs June 28, 2014 |
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law
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Dorisan
And what happens if your folks (heaven forbid) should go before his? You spend a holiday alone while he is off with his folks?
I'm going to go ahead and assume that I am the only one here to whom that sounds just fabulous.
LOL
It does, for some, yes
I cheerfully send Dh to spend whatever time he wants with his family. Every 3 or 5 years I'll accompany him just to put in an appearance and let them know I am fond of them -- which, truthfully, I am. Even my MIL; they're all nice enough; but they tend to get together in big crowds and I don't deal with that very well. Dh accompanies me on family visits about every 10 years. I have a good fer nuthin' brother and two brother-in-laws who are devotees of Ann Coulter and other conservative nutbags so those men are not the kind that Dh enjoys being around.
I haven't done it in about 6 or 7 years, but I used to go off on my own a lot. Just throw clothes and camping equipment in my motorcycle sidecar and go off for 3 or 4 days. The stress I was dealing with at work made the down time necessary. Told Dh that it was that or he'd have a batshit crazy wife on his hands. He was fine with it, though his family and co-workers had shit fits. "You LET your wife do that?!" was their attitude.
It is as Cosmic says - some people do want to be included, and it's something that should be worked out before settling in together. In fact, dealing with extended family is a scenario that should be resolved before becoming committed to one another. Like deciding on whether or not to have kids, it's one of those decisions that some just leave until after marriage/commitment and later it causes big-big problems. Some of us are lucky, our mates are mellow with doing whatever makes us happy, but other families have the kind of enmeshment that necessitates a lot of dialogue and creating rules.
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs July 06, 2014 |
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lilin_unite
If he has a relationship with them, and you're being left behind and kept secret and that bugs you, I think he needs to grow up a little bit and learn to put his foot down with mommy and daddy. I like the suggestion up-thread -- if they get all pearl-clutching about it, stay in a hotel. You guys can sleep in whatever beds you want. His parents will just have to frickin' deal. That's part of being a grown-up -- not acting like a teenager slipping out to a party. He's an adult, and he needs to insist his parents respect him and you, if this is important to you (and I understand why it might be, losing holidays with him and being excluded from seeing his relatives that you do like).
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There's a board I've recently come across: Dealing With In-Laws Nation, or DWIL for short.
On one hand, that board is a clear illustration of how women make themselves weak when they become SAHMs. They have very little power to sway when they allow themselves (and their children) to become dependent on a man. I shake my head at reading so many of those stories. On the other hand, sometimes a concise bit of advice comes from the posters.
One statement had me nodding my head sagely. Basically, a modern family is not a tribal relationship. Most of the issues parents and offspring have is an unconscious throwback to that archaic system. The parents see themselves as the elders; their actions ensure the survival of the tribe - which is an interconnected group of offspring and relations. The tribal members remain in a subservient position, following the rules and orders of the elders. In time, it is assumed that the elders will be replaced by their offspring, who then are allowed to order their tribal members around.
That might have been fine in the time of defenseless villages or nomadic society, but that behavior is no longer necessary in modern, western circles. Indeed, overall, that kind of mentality impedes progress. Look at current societies where tribal custom is still dictated and you generally observe little progress in regards to technology and social customs.
So, to the OP, your boyfriend needs to come swinging down out of that tree. He's allowed himself to remain bound to a very primitive situation. His life is not going to progress until he realizes that he is a peer to his parents, not a subservient tribal member. He is their equal, now, not someone dependent on them for survival.
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs July 06, 2014 |
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Dorisan
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lilin_unite
If he has a relationship with them, and you're being left behind and kept secret and that bugs you, I think he needs to grow up a little bit and learn to put his foot down with mommy and daddy. I like the suggestion up-thread -- if they get all pearl-clutching about it, stay in a hotel. You guys can sleep in whatever beds you want. His parents will just have to frickin' deal. That's part of being a grown-up -- not acting like a teenager slipping out to a party. He's an adult, and he needs to insist his parents respect him and you, if this is important to you (and I understand why it might be, losing holidays with him and being excluded from seeing his relatives that you do like).
.
There's a board I've recently come across: Dealing With In-Laws Nation, or DWIL for short.
On one hand, that board is a clear illustration of how women make themselves weak when they become SAHMs. They have very little power to sway when they allow themselves (and their children) to become dependent on a man. I shake my head at reading so many of those stories. On the other hand, sometimes a concise bit of advice comes from the posters.
One statement had me nodding my head sagely. Basically, a modern family is not a tribal relationship. Most of the issues parents and offspring have is an unconscious throwback to that archaic system. The parents see themselves as the elders; their actions ensure the survival of the tribe - which is an interconnected group of offspring and relations. The tribal members remain in a subservient position, following the rules and orders of the elders. In time, it is assumed that the elders will be replaced by their offspring, who then are allowed to order their tribal members around.
That might have been fine in the time of defenseless villages or nomadic society, but that behavior is no longer necessary in modern, western circles. Indeed, overall, that kind of mentality impedes progress. Look at current societies where tribal custom is still dictated and you generally observe little progress in regards to technology and social customs.
So, to the OP, your boyfriend needs to come swinging down out of that tree. He's allowed himself to remain bound to a very primitive situation. His life is not going to progress until he realizes that he is a peer to his parents, not a subservient tribal member. He is their equal, now, not someone dependent on them for survival.
If I may throw in another 2 cents, it appears that your feelings about the strength and quality of your relationship are tied up in how much involvement his family has. Quite honestly I think you would be doing yourself a huge favor to focus on and continuing to build your relationship with HIM, rather than placing demands on this relationship at the moment. The stronger you are together, the less power they have over the relationship (and believe me, this topic has come up over the past few days of me and my H dealing with his family, and there are several other "outsiders" here who married into this family also and are dealing with similar bullshit to me, so we Outsiders got together to compare notes and this was one of the most valued highlights we all agreed on - don't worry, be happy, and dance with the one what brung you). You have to remember that he is dealing with people who are desperately unhealthy, and expecting him to put his foot down and deal with them may have been something he tried before at and failed, and is now trying to just extricate himself from them precisely because they cannot be reasoned with.
Remember, hon, their opinion of you isn't worth jack shit. Maybe your BF believes this already. I recommend talking to a therapist or counselor on your own and getting a professional second opinion on this. I had one and he helped me TREMENDOUSLY. You don't have to "enter" therapy. Just take a couple of appointments with a pro and see how it goes.
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Re: Boyfriend's Parents are Religious Nut-Jobs July 07, 2014 |
You guys are AWESOME!!
My boyfriend really only sees his parents once, maybe twice a year at the obligatory family celebrations like this golden wedding anniversary. He also told me that if we go to visit them for Christmas, we could either stay with his brother in town or at a hotel, with the added benefit that we get to retreat to a peaceful place where there aren't any goddamned kids.
I took some of your advice and decided not to fight this battle right now. About a month ago we were discussing his parents and this situation, and I stated to him that I was very worried that his family was going to hurt my feelings in the future. He looked me in the eye and said, "They are going to hurt mine too." It was a very sincere statement, so I believe that he will stick up for me in the future. Next year when we resume our life together, I'll feel more comfortable explaining my expectations to him. More than anything else, I want HIM to be a part of MY family. My parents really are the bomb and I think that involving him with them will further cement our bond. Additionally, I can show him what a healthy adult relationship with parents looks like and how we respect each other's bondaries.
Any books or info that you guys can dig up would be very much appreciated. I loved the reminder of how are past family members did things as well. It really is important to recognize what it took to leave a continent and everything you know to start a new life. Or go West on the wagon train, or whatever. That shit took balls.
smile
My boyfriend really only sees his parents once, maybe twice a year at the obligatory family celebrations like this golden wedding anniversary. He also told me that if we go to visit them for Christmas, we could either stay with his brother in town or at a hotel, with the added benefit that we get to retreat to a peaceful place where there aren't any goddamned kids.
I took some of your advice and decided not to fight this battle right now. About a month ago we were discussing his parents and this situation, and I stated to him that I was very worried that his family was going to hurt my feelings in the future. He looked me in the eye and said, "They are going to hurt mine too." It was a very sincere statement, so I believe that he will stick up for me in the future. Next year when we resume our life together, I'll feel more comfortable explaining my expectations to him. More than anything else, I want HIM to be a part of MY family. My parents really are the bomb and I think that involving him with them will further cement our bond. Additionally, I can show him what a healthy adult relationship with parents looks like and how we respect each other's bondaries.
Any books or info that you guys can dig up would be very much appreciated. I loved the reminder of how are past family members did things as well. It really is important to recognize what it took to leave a continent and everything you know to start a new life. Or go West on the wagon train, or whatever. That shit took balls.
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