Possible Family Drama

I have made a post about my moo's condition and expecting her to pass away someday this week.

I'm fine actally. I feel relief. I can finally enjoy myself without worrying about my moo's negative opinions about me. forcing her religion down my throat, forcing me to do things I don't want to do (ex: going to church), and acting all weird to me due to jealously of me.

What I'm concern about is the funeral. I have a feeling that my maternal grandmoo will want to focus on her grief than anyone elses (You can already tell how my own moo got those behaviors) and is going to be angry at my duh. When my parents first got married to about 15 years ago, my duh and grandmoo never got along due to the fact my grandmoo felt that my duh took my moo away from her. Even looking back now, my grandmoo acted like a graud dog for my moo, while my moo acted like a guard dog for me.

As of right now, I don't want to go to the funeral since I have been grieving for not having a very loving and supportive mother that I never had. I'm not worry about people talking shit about me not attending my moo's funeral due to the fact she's my own mother.. Plus, she's already dead to me.

Also, my relationship with my moo was completely different from relationships with her friends, close family, my duh, etc. So I feel like I will be out of place at the funeral.

Any thoughts?

Funerals have no meaning to me; the person is gone and I don't enjoy collective mourning and I think I'd like it even less if it had a whiff of hypocrisy. However, I have attended funerals, when I felt that my presence would in some way benefit someone still living. So don't go to fit some acceptable model of grieving, but consider going if there is someone you care about (such as an aunt, nephew, cousin) who would feel better from seeing you (as opposed to feel better because you're fulfilling an expected role).

If your grandmoo is going to be a cunt about it, perhaps consider going to support your dad?
Of course I say that with no idea how your relationship is with him("completely different" doesn't spell it out for me), so that's worth exactly what all free advice is!
How is he holding up?

Aside from that, doesn't sound like there's any reason to go!

Quote
Presto
If your grandmoo is going to be a cunt about it, perhaps consider going to support your dad?
Of course I say that with no idea how your relationship is with him("completely different" doesn't spell it out for me), so that's worth exactly what all free advice is!
How is he holding up?

Aside from that, doesn't sound like there's any reason to go!

I have a distant relationship with my dad. I'm not very close with him either.

I don't see that you have any obligation to go the funeral. It doesn't sound like you're close to the kind of people who would try to bully you into going (gasping in horror "But she's your moo!") and who would talk shit about you if you don't go.

Frankly, they don't sound like they're taking your feelings into consideration or being supportive to you. So, when deciding whether you want to attend the funeral or not, I would not consider the feelings of the kind of people who would talk shit about you if you didn't attend. Decide instead based on what would be best for you. I say that not really knowing much of your situation or these people, only what you've said here, so it's just my opinion, and I hope this isn't offensive.

They shouldn't be trying to make you feel badly about not going, and you don't owe them an explanation either way.

Funerals are for the living, in my opinion. People may think it's disrespectful to your moo if you don't go, but she'll never know the difference. People may says it's disrespectful to the grandmoo if you don't attend, but her feelings aren't more important than yours. What I'm hearing from you is that none of these people have considered your feelings as much as they have their own, and your feelings count, too. Consider going if you feel it would help you in some way.

There must be a significant amount of pain inflicted on you over the years if you're considering not going. I can totally understand not wanting to go to a funeral where she will be honoured and mourned as a wonderful moo and wonderful person if you're feeling a completely different type of grief, the grief over not having the kind of mother you needed. (Pardon me if that's completely not the case; it's just the way I read your situation). I can also totally understand not going if you've just had all the grief you can take and the funeral is just too much emotional overload and famblee stress.

I would say remember that your feelings count too, not just grandmoo or anyone else. Maybe consider if there was someone else going who you do want to support, maybe your duh or someone else, and who would be equally supportive to you. But if you don't want to go, or if it's just too much for you, and you're feeling pressured to go just for appearances sake ("But she was your mooo! What will people think?") or being pressured to support someone who wants to make it all about themselves (grandmoo?) then I would step back and take a breath and consider your own best interests before committing to going.

Anyway, apologies in advance if this comes off as offensive or if I've read your situation completely wrong. I'm just trying to say that your feelings count as much as anyone else's, and that no one has the right to use guilt to pressure you into doing something that isn't right for you. Only you can decide that. And you won't be "wrong" either way. It's a tough thing you're going through.

Night owl,

I'm not offended at all. You also nailed it on my main reason why I don't want to go. I feel my moo will be honored as a wonderful person while I'm experiencing a different kind of grief by having a mother who was the complete opposite of wonderful to me. Plus, I feel like I don't get much out of funerals anyway.

In the last year, I had chosen to not attend neither of my parents' separate funerals.
Those decisions were made for many of the reasons that you stated.

My dysfunctional extended relatives gossiped and hold a grunge about my non-attendance, but their dysfunctional opinions do not matter to me.
Not being a hypocrite, choosing to be around non-toxic people, being my own true self and having a peaceful life were a higher priority to me.

First of all, some giant hugs to the OP:

If I were you, I wouldn't attend your moo's funeral...if nothing else, for the sake of your own sanity. From what I've read, it sounds like being around your famblee is far more headache than it's worth.

I did attend both of my parents' funerals, but luckily, the relatives kept their bullshit down to a minimum. Mom's was more tension-filled, due to one of my asshole uncles being there. My maternal grandmoo passed away eight years ago, but I didn't go to the funeral...I hated her ass.

It'll be the same thing once my paternal grandbreeders pass...I have no desire to be at either one's funeral, especially if I have to deal with those two-faced ass canoes. Let the fuckers talk all they want...I won't be there.

TLR If you don't want to go, don't go. If those douchebags can't deal with that, fuck 'em...you have people here who totally understand where you're coming from.

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It's up to you. As others have said, don't feel obligated.

I probably won't attend my mother's funeral. We have no real relationship because she's nuts, and all the relatives on that side are toxic drama. It'd just be a bunch of drunken assholes fighting with each other and trying to drag me into it. Why would I do that to myself?

I led (and obviously therefore attended) my dad's "funeral," but it wasn't a typical sort. No black, no people standing around sniffling piteously.

Me and a couple of his close friends (no surviving family apart from me) went to New York and scattered his ashes, then got wonderfully drunk. It was actually a really good and uplifting experience. They're really intelligent, kind people, we had a bit of fun with it, and they were so supportive.

Like Yurble, I also don't really like the concept of the traditional funeral in general, and I wouldn't go to one in general unless there was someone else there I was supporting.

As they say, funerals are for the living. It's not like the dead person really cares if you're there or not, and it's certainly not like they can hang it over your head later. Choose to go to these these types of things based on what you need, and what kind of grieving you're doing. Your grief is about the mother she never was, not the mother you lost. I see no point in you dragging yourself through an unpleasant experience because it's "expected."