Dear Prudie: don't shave off your hair just because your friend is going through chemo!

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Q. My Hair, My Business: My best friend since middle school was recently diagnosed with lymphoma at only 28 years old. She starts chemo next week and has had an incredibly positive attitude. The one concern that she has expressed to me is that she doesn’t want to lose her hair. I told her that if does lose her hair I will be right there with her. Her younger sister and I have decided we want to shave our heads along with her so she doesn’t have to do it alone. My husband is completely fine with this, and friends and family that I’ve mentioned it to all say that they understand. My only concern is how to answer the questions that may come up from co-workers, acquaintances, etc. My hair is midway down my back so it’s not likely that it will go unnoticed. I don’t feel that it is anyone else’s business but I don’t want to be rude about it either.

A: I understand the loving impulse behind this gesture, but I advise putting down the razor. Seeing her own bald head reflected in yours will not help your friend get through her ordeal. She is going to need your support in more constructive ways. You can watch movies with her when she’s recovering from chemo. You can run errands for her. You can bring her chicken soup. You can rub her feet, you can cry with her, and then dry both your tears. If you shave your head you will inevitably have to deal with your own sadness at hacking off your beautiful hair and the questions from people about your health. Instead of getting unwanted and unproductive attention for yourself, save your energy to focus on your friend.

Isn't it funny how when you do something, suddenly you read about someone in a similar situation?

Most of you will know about my best friend having only a year to live. Well I decided to do a sponsored head shave to raise money for her to go on a dream holiday while she's well enough to travel. I have raised about £1000.

I love my new Sinead O'Connor look, as does my husband and my best friend, and then I came across this Dear Prudie letter.

Something about Prudie's reply smacks of "Don't shave your hair off! You'll regret it! Your friend has to have hers shaved off but you don't have to!" Uh, I think Prudie forgot that hair grows back - in my case pretty quick.

My hair was also mid-back length, and anyone who asks about my new do is given the same answer - I did it to raise money for my terminally ill best friend. Not one person has told me it was a bad idea or judges me for doing so. Bear in mind, I've always wanted to shave my hair off if only for the experience, but this way I've done some good for my friend and also the charity I donated my hair to (Little Princess in case anyone was wondering, couldn't find a charity that makes wigs for adults).

Don't get me wrong, her other advice about how to support LW's friend was good, but that first bit really annoyed me. 'Shave off' is not the same as 'completely scalped', if LW really wants to do this it would be real easy to get a fine pixie cut or a Sinead O'Connor like I did. She doesn’t have to go cueball, but from the sounds of it the LW is very unsure and may be looking for an out.

There's plenty of ways to support someone close to you in their time of need, I don't think there's a wrong way to do it as long as you are there for them.

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lurker-derp
There's plenty of ways to support someone close to you in their time of need, I don't think there's a wrong way to do it as long as you are there for them.

That's how I see it; support is support, no matter the form. :emoheart :beer

I personally enjoy having very short hair...it's very liberating to me. wink

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I read that one too and I thought this is exactly why it would be supportive of her to shave her hair: because there is so much social pressure concerning women's hair that those who experience hair loss often feel horrible about it. Prudie's response illuminates the prevailing view toward female hair and I hope the letter writer understands what Prudie and these other non-invested people are really saying to her, and by extension her friend and other women. Without your hair you won't be "beautiful," which of course implies worth. Removing it would be "hacking," a butchering of your value as a woman.

I'm certainly not immune, I hate that my hair is thin and I can't imagine cutting it short, but at least I can look beyond my feelings to understand why I have them. I hate how unreflective most people are when it comes to identifying social conditioning.

I would absolutely shave my head for my best friend! I think Prudie got stuck in vanity on this one. Shaving your head shows your friend that she is more important than things like that, it shows solidarity, and a willingness to share and deflect some of her own pain. Let's face it, losing your hair is traumatic. Your identity can be tied up in your hair because it contributes so much to the way you look. I say shed that shit for your sick friend!

On a side note, shaving my head clean is on my bucket list. I would LOVE to do it and feel the tiny hairs like velvet all over my scalp. Lurker, was it awesome? Did you love the way it looked and felt?

It was great starbelly! Everyone said how much it suits me and it's so easy to wash and dry now super short hair is so soft and velvety, I would totally recommend it xxx

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yurble
I read that one too and I thought this is exactly why it would be supportive of her to shave her hair: because there is so much social pressure concerning women's hair that those who experience hair loss often feel horrible about it. Prudie's response illuminates the prevailing view toward female hair and I hope the letter writer understands what Prudie and these other non-invested people are really saying to her, and by extension her friend and other women. Without your hair you won't be "beautiful," which of course implies worth. Removing it would be "hacking," a butchering of your value as a woman.

I'm certainly not immune, I hate that my hair is thin and I can't imagine cutting it short, but at least I can look beyond my feelings to understand why I have them. I hate how unreflective most people are when it comes to identifying social conditioning.

THIS. The whole reason this is such a supportive gesture (and I think for many women with cancer especially, it would be taken that way) is because part of the way we value women through our social lens of objectification is by their hair.

And here Prudie is driving home exactly why women with cancer often feel so bad if they lose their hair: because Prudie is somehow implying she'll be less beautiful if she "hacks off" her hair, and implicitly she is also then suggesting women with cancer are less beautiful when they lose their hair. And this beauty is apparently so important that the temporary nature of a haircut pales in comparison to the importance of having "pretty hair."

I had my hair short for several years, and decided to grow it back out again -- maybe even try to break my length record for kicks. Long hair is also easier, I think. But to tell you the truth, whenever someone says I look "so much better" with long "pretty hair," I get the urge to shave my fucking head. I just have to remind myself I didn't grow it out for anyone but me, and it would take a very long time for me to get back where I am if I shaved it. If I someday want to shave it -- and I might -- then great. But I won't let other people's mistaken belief that I have long hair to please them make me cut it when I don't want to.

Women are not here for anyone's viewing pleasure, and by trying to support her friend by going into the social fray of female baldness with her, she is being profoundly supportive, and helping to dispel the stranglehold society has on how women should look.

I can only hope Prudie's lack of self reflection didn't convince her not to.

Lurker I just wanted to salute you for your beautiful and touching gesture for your friend. My best friend died suddenly last year (aneurysm) but I would have done this for him in a minute.

Here's to supportive friends, people who stick by you through it all. :beer

I can see how some are going about it out of respect. I just gave money and goods to the American Cancer Society instead.

Also, shaving my head would be bad, especially with flat spots created between delivery by forceps and my mom shaping my skul so I looked more like "the family"