Cross-generational CF advice

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cassia

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yurble
I am interested in the experiences of child-free women older than myself and one thing I appreciate about this board is that there are people of different ages, but still it seems like the majority are 20-, 30- or 40-something.

This autumn, I will be turning 50 years of age and my child-free boyfriend is becoming 60 years of age.
I am open to all questions.

How did you feel about menopause? I'm finding myself having oddly mixed feelings. I don't like the bleeding and when I wasn't sterilized the fertility worried me, but I also don't look forward to hot flashes, lower bone density, and - the big one - possible loss of libido.

Are there any other health issues which I can look forward to? You get these manuals about puberty and after that it seems like nobody tells you what to expect, or if they do, it's impossible to distinguish what problems are breeder issues and which also affect CF women. I'm thinking for instance that I had no idea that gallstones are common in women in their 30s, until I had them. Have you had any conditions or changes in the last 10-15 years and been told "Oh, that's really common in women your age"?

Some women have talked about "becoming invisible" as they age and are presumably considered less attractive. Have you noticed people dismissing you more than when you were younger?

What advice would you give to a CF woman 10 or 20 years younger?

First off, I'm 60 and my husband is 72. When I was ten days short of my 48th birthday, I had an emergency hysterectomy for a strangulated fibroid tumor ("benign" but gangrene and peritonitis had set in). The ovaries, tubes, and appendix went along for the ride.

To my astonishment, I was pain-free. Okay, I was WELL medicated in the hospital, but I needed NO painkillers when I got home five days later. I was in slo-mo for a few weeks (walking through a newly opened Wegman's was tiring), but no pain. Indeed, ten days after the surgery, I was standing on my own feet, in my own kitchen, making chocolate mousse for my birthday.

Aftereffects of it all: No pain, no depression (heck, if I'd had a calorie of energy, I'd have danced down the hospital hall), no bowel or bladder problems, no sexual problems or loss of desire. The only sexual change is that orgasms are less likely to be gentle and multiple. I tend now to get one WHAMMO that almost knocks me off the bed--and I like it!

Negatives: my hair is a little dryer and I've sprouted a few little mustache hairs that need a razor every few weeks. I did get hot flashes (still do at times) but each one was mild and lasted half a minute or so. No face turning beet-red, no sweats. Stock up on hand-held fans; I have them all over my house and I've never had to resort to hormone or herbal therapy.

My advice to a young CF is the same as to any young woman: Be true to yourself and ignore all bingos and breederific horror stories. Be good to yourself: I am NOT ignored despite my age. I kept a healthy weight and good figure, I dress well, and I read constantly to make myself a good conversationalist and a good listener. This is the only life we get; enjoy the ride!

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learnernotlurker
My advice to a young CF is the same as to any young woman: Be true to yourself and ignore all bingos and breederific horror stories. Be good to yourself: I am NOT ignored despite my age. I kept a healthy weight and good figure, I dress well, and I read constantly to make myself a good conversationalist and a good listener. This is the only life we get; enjoy the ride!

That's about the same advice that I'd give to someone younger than myself, good to know that doesn't change! Stay interesting by pursuing your interests, and be open to meeting new interesting people of any age so that you don't find your circle of friends gradually diminishing. I'm not saying you have to be a social butterfly: many of us have introverted tendencies and would rather not go out a lot. Just don't waste your social energy on people who always bore you, bingo you, or fail to add to your happiness.

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learnernotlurker
Aftereffects of it all: No pain, no depression (heck, if I'd had a calorie of energy, I'd have danced down the hospital hall), no bowel or bladder problems, no sexual problems or loss of desire. The only sexual change is that orgasms are less likely to be gentle and multiple. I tend now to get one WHAMMO that almost knocks me off the bed--and I like it!

Any issues with dryness? Your experience doesn't sound that bad, so far. I know my mother didn't have many issues with menopause and I'm hoping that's genetic, but she never had issues with cramps during menstration either, and I certainly don't take after her in that regard.

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yurble

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learnernotlurker
Aftereffects of it all: No pain, no depression (heck, if I'd had a calorie of energy, I'd have danced down the hospital hall), no bowel or bladder problems, no sexual problems or loss of desire. The only sexual change is that orgasms are less likely to be gentle and multiple. I tend now to get one WHAMMO that almost knocks me off the bed--and I like it!

Any issues with dryness? Your experience doesn't sound that bad, so far. I know my mother didn't have many issues with menopause and I'm hoping that's genetic, but she never had issues with cramps during menstration either, and I certainly don't take after her in that regard.

Yes, there's dryness, but I was always pretty dry, even before the surgery. Lubricant and more foreplay were enough for me; I hope your partner is amenable to delaying the big thrill.

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yurble
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cassia

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yurble
I am interested in the experiences of child-free women older than myself and one thing I appreciate about this board is that there are people of different ages, but still it seems like the majority are 20-, 30- or 40-something.

This autumn, I will be turning 50 years of age and my child-free boyfriend is becoming 60 years of age.
I am open to all questions.

How did you feel about menopause? I'm finding myself having oddly mixed feelings. I don't like the bleeding and when I wasn't sterilized the fertility worried me, but I also don't look forward to hot flashes, lower bone density, and - the big one - possible loss of libido.

Are there any other health issues which I can look forward to? You get these manuals about puberty and after that it seems like nobody tells you what to expect, or if they do, it's impossible to distinguish what problems are breeder issues and which also affect CF women. I'm thinking for instance that I had no idea that gallstones are common in women in their 30s, until I had them. Have you had any conditions or changes in the last 10-15 years and been told "Oh, that's really common in women your age"?

Some women have talked about "becoming invisible" as they age and are presumably considered less attractive. Have you noticed people dismissing you more than when you were younger?

What advice would you give to a CF woman 10 or 20 years younger?

It seems to me that with every decade that passes, I can see that I am slowing down mentally as well as physically. Things that were effortless require a lot more concentration and energy than I seem to have available to me.
Adaptions of time, and energy are mandatory.

Aches and pains, as well as illness and injury are almost constant.
Gradually, over the past 30 years, I have acquired many permanent disabilities.
All of them are complicated in causing additional other annoying illnesses.( ie bad immune system leading to colds and flus of long debilitating duration).
Due to my life being taken over by those issues, it is hard to notice too many age-related issues.

When I do expend effort, it is frequently towards the goal of making less effort in the future on that project. (ie mulching the garden,or intensive planting leading to less weeding and watering.)

It has also been my social experience that with every passing decade that I have become more invisible.
For middle-aged to senior women, it seems like society in general as well as individual people have no idea how to interact with non-mothers.
The most common reaction is to ignore (which as an introvert, I prefer, mostly).
People seem startled that a 49 year old woman would have an opinion or contribution worth paying attention to.
As a feminist, I notice the patterns of dismissing women of that age range.

Also, as each decade passes, I have less tolerance for bullshit.
I try to avoid people and organizations that are likely to be intolerant for the opinions and values that I hold dear.
It is more frequent that I simply do what I feel is right and do not worry about people-pleasing or getting permission.

I have wasted decades on committees and boards that had meetings after meeting with nothing getting actually done.
Lately, when I see that something needs doing, I simply take care of it.


Recent examples are that I spent about 20 hours clearing out the debris and 3-5 ft tall weeds from an abandoned lot. I also spent about 12-15 hours clearing and maintaining an abandoned community garden. I help an organization that turns pillowcases into dresses for girls in orphanages overseas.
A quilt project (about $300 and 200 hours) is underway for an 80 year old woman that I know.
I am looking at starting a few different community groups for my new village area. I am looking at re-starting some of the community activism and cycling event co-ordination that were a large part of my life until recently.


In regards to menopause, I welcome the lack of periods.
For my entire life, they were an annoyance to the point of my getting an ablation.
Menopause, doesn't seem to affected my libido at all, I have notice greater fatigue, weight gain and facial hair.
Hot flashes have been a minor annoyance for me. I try to wear clothes that can be quickly shed down / opened to the minimum and I like to have a fan or operable window nearby, but have only needed these adaptions about 8-10 times, so far, in the last year.
My skin elasticity is just showing a few changes very recently.


My spontaneous advice for 30-40 year old CF women is:

- enjoy the energy, focus and pain-free life you have while you have it
- start planning for adaptions for these things to change while you age ( ie savings, home adaptions, changing interests and hobbies, etc)
- maintain your own authentic opinions, interests, hobbies, career, etc
- be a flexible person who is willing to adapt to inevitable change in your life.
- change in itself is not necessarily bad.
- find your own true self
- your accumulated life experience is a valuable asset.
- find ways to direct your special talents to contribute to society.
- do not waste energy trying to please people who hold different values than yours
- surround yourself only with people who truly value you as you are.

Menopause – it’s no fun. I had pretty bad hot flashes for a couple of years. I could always tell when one was about to hit because it felt like a mini-PMS: anxiety, heart palpitations, a sense of lethargy. Having that happen 5 or 6 times each day kinda drove me batty. Thankfully I was on a work hiatus at that time.

Now, hot flashes happen a few times a month, but a body temp issue set in. Before I sought remedies, it felt like my thermostat was broke. I had to have the AC set to about 65 and only slept with a sheet over me. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and either have to get up to let the mattress cool, or shift to a different part of the bed. Pre-menopause, at that temperature I would have had a cover and heavy quilt on the bed. Now that we have an RV and contemplate full-timing, I told Dh that we are spending our summers up in the Rockies or somewhere in the Northwest.

Dry eyes are also an effect of menopause. I was on prescribed steroid drops because my corneas became swollen for the lack of moisture, but am now simply on expensive eye drops (never use Visine. That stuff makes the dryness worse).

For me, menopause has been a PITA, but if I had to choose, I wouldn’t go back to periods. I dosed myself with apple cider vinegar during the worst of the hot flashes; that helped; and now take black cohosh. That’s helping with the body temperature. Lately, I’ve been able to raise the thermostat and don’t end up thrashing the sheet and cover off as often.

Psychologically: I feel less relevant, in my 50s. Up until my late 40s, I was the star operator at my previous job. I was the one programmers wanted to work with because 99% of the time I knew what the problem was and could have fixed it myself, I just didn’t have the authority. All they had to do was read the ticket I created, spend about 20 minutes on an issue, and go back to sleep. NO ONE else on the staff was that good. I could multi-task all over the place, wrote documentation, trained newbies. Then, and I blame this on the onset of menopause, I began to get tired and just not be able to deal with everything that was expected. Plus, new management was beginning to treat the staff like a pile of dogshit and none of us got the necessary respite from that very stressful job to be able to recharge. I had to take a break.

Later, I got an operator job at a facility where the processing is ridiculously easy. In the beginning I thought it was great, but now the lack of a challenge is quite stifling. And no one here has respect for operators.

Cassia presented an excellent list. I don’t have much to add except to be ready for a transition. Menopause is called “the change of life” for a reason. Some breeze through it easily, for others it is tougher, but don’t expect life to merrily roll along in its same consistency.

Dh and I have been preparing for the next stage of life for several years. We have all along wanted to just unburden our lives, materially, and become sort of vagabonds. For decades we were tied to so many responsibilities and our stressful, if satisfying, jobs. We've been slowly getting rid of all our "stuff" and now I wonder why I even bought all that furniture and those household accouterments in the first place. I'm chomping at the bit; a more stimulating job might have made things easier; but I can't wait for the end of November 2015. Dh will be eligible for Medicare and I can quit working.

I guess that is one thing I would add: don't be afraid to shake things up. It gives you a boost of energy and anticipation toward the future if you jump off the track and remake your life.

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Dorisan
Now, hot flashes happen a few times a month, but a body temp issue set in. Before I sought remedies, it felt like my thermostat was broke. I had to have the AC set to about 65 and only slept with a sheet over me. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and either have to get up to let the mattress cool, or shift to a different part of the bed. Pre-menopause, at that temperature I would have had a cover and heavy quilt on the bed. Now that we have an RV and contemplate full-timing, I told Dh that we are spending our summers up in the Rockies or somewhere in the Northwest.

Oh shit, I hope that doesn't happen to me. I am already someone who gets way too hot when sleeping. Windows open in the winter? Yes, please! Maybe if it's below freezing I won't have to wake up to seek out a cooler spot on the mattress!

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Yurble
Some women have talked about "becoming invisible" as they age and are presumably considered less attractive. Have you noticed people dismissing you more than when you were younger?

I think this depends on one's perspective.

I won't say I'm 'good looking' - because I go around like a slob and am kind of a recluse.

When I was younger - I was very good looking. Model range.

And I detested all the attention and it gave me a bad opinion of men. Especially because alot came from married men.

I'm close to 40 now and still pretty good looking. And I go around like a slob to keep people away from me.

Be careful what you wish for. What I wound up with is disgust for all mankind.

Some people have 'sex drives' and even believe in 'romance' - I think men view all women as pieces of meat. I got a 'bad attitude' from all this ~

I think I was trying to come up with some advice in my last post, rather than just griping about gross, harassing, middle aged Duhs in the workplace.

That was my point I guess, and you younger women here - well I will assume that you're smart enough not to fall for any BS. And think carefully over what line of work you go into - because some things are worse than others. I have always worked in Big Biz, mostly in tech jobs (eng.) - and this is male dominated and full of All Types Assholes. Big Biz in general is full of not only Traditional Types but also all kinds of shifty weasels and operators. And gross lechers.

So you need to watch out for that. And if you're going to go into work like this - you *will need* a thick skin. This sort of atmosphere can make you coarse and jaded too. You have to keep a grip on yourself, mentally.

Catharsist's work rant in the LR reminded me of this, that I had some actual point here. And it occurred to me that - at least I don't have to put up with surly teens (nor knocked up ones). That's a plus, I guess.

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Zzelda
I have always worked in Big Biz, mostly in tech jobs (eng.) - and this is male dominated and full of All Types Assholes. Big Biz in general is full of not only Traditional Types but also all kinds of shifty weasels and operators. And gross lechers.

OMG, that was bad - whoa bad - in the 80s up to the early 90s, in my experience. Just a few days ago, I came across a story about a sexual assault at a workplace that spurred a memory and caused me to look up a real Chester-type who was the bane of us young women way back then. Turns out the POS died a couple of years back. Good riddance.

Upgrades in technology over the decades caused a reduction in the number of tech people in some industries. I was glad to see that in my field since it meant fewer dregs.

Maybe this is somewhat related, but from a CF female view, I never really felt connected and united with other women in the workplace if they were parents. I know we gab about this in the Living Room, but as an older CF woman passing on experience to younger ones, my experience has been that you rarely find mothers or mothers-to-be who really truly mesh well as co-workers. Their minds are going to be off on a different plane, most of the time, even when absorbed in work. The closest working relationships I ever developed were with men, even those who were fathers. Some were able to detach themselves from family concerns - I don't even think most of the ones I worked well with even thought about their families at work. And there was nothing sexual or in the spirit of attraction, I was simply considered a good, dependable, no bullshit co-worker to them.

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yurble
Some women have talked about "becoming invisible" as they age and are presumably considered less attractive. Have you noticed people dismissing you more than when you were younger?

Hell yes - as soon as I turned 36. Seriously, it was like a switch went on/off. I used to get harassed every time I left the house; couldn't even go to the supermarket without some sleazebag getting in my face. Now even the pervs totally ignore me. And I don't miss them at all.

It does suck when you're in a store looking for help and the clerks ignore you. And when some douche slams a door in your face. :cen

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Medusa
Hell yes - as soon as I turned 36. Seriously, it was like a switch went on/off. I used to get harassed every time I left the house; couldn't even go to the supermarket without some sleazebag getting in my face. Now even the pervs totally ignore me. And I don't miss them at all.

It does suck when you're in a store looking for help and the clerks ignore you. And when some douche slams a door in your face. :cen

I'm sure nobody misses the harassment, but I don't want to be discounted as a person when I'm trying to get customer service.

I'm older than 36 and haven't noticed this happening. Maybe it depends on how youth-obsessed the place is? I don't live somewhere where street harassment is common, either.

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yurble
I'm sure nobody misses the harassment, but I don't want to be discounted as a person when I'm trying to get customer service.

In some respects, though, I see the invisibility as an advantage.

Dh and I decided to take both our cars to the car wash. He's taking mine, since it's newer and more reliable, across the country to visit family. I'm taking his to work. My car didn't really need washed or cleaned out, but I'm sure as heck not going to trundle around in his trashmobile. So, both cars go.

Anyway ...

I'm wearing old shorts and a t-shirt. I pull on my old tennis shoes, grab my purse and get ready to head out. I'm not even bothered that today is Leg Shaving Day and I haven't done that yet. I just put on a long pair of socks. Dh asks me to hold up until he can put on a clean pair of jeans, a grubby t-shirt and his belt. He then proceeds to tuck his shirt into his pants.

I plainly ask "what the eff are you doing? We're going to the car wash. You're just dirtying up more clothes for me to have to wash. Please put your gruboids back on."

Dh: "but there'll be other people there. I don't want to look like a slob." Then he scans my tattered shorts and faded t-shirt with a scowl and says "that's what you're wearing?"

Me: (thinking of this thread) "Dearest, you are 64, I'm 54. Yanno what? People don't see us. We're taking our two putt-putts up there and will be in the stalls. Everyone else will be busy washing and cleaning their mini-vans out since school starts next week."

Dh stubbornly insisted on being neater than I was, using the "well, I'll know what I look like" reasoning. Yeah. Whatever. Thanks. Make the load of dirty jeans even more voluminous.

While washing and then vacuuming, I decided to to see if the Theory of Age Invisibility applied. It did. This was a car wash with a dozen bays. Three or four young people were there, getting their cars cleaned up for the start of school. It took them longer because they were back and forth, talking and flirting. A couple of moms, flinging Cheerios and chucking fast food boxes into the trash. They talked amongst themselves. Dh and me and another older guy washing down his antique Buick. No one paid us any mind. The attendant trotted right past us to go holler at the kids who were spending their quarters to pay for a water fight while I'm banging a defective wash wand on the ground and cussing. He asks one of the Moms to quit whisking food on the ground, it would draw roaches. Dh and I and the older guy - yeah, we were pretty much not even there. And I was fine with that. This was one of the times I was happy with my Age Invisibility Cloak. And I didn't even mention it to Dh later, when he took off his jeans and laid them over the back porch bannister to dry before chucking them into the dirty clothes basket. I just gave him a very dour look. eyes2

This is such a great thread! It's damned rare to read the experience of non-Moo women "of a certain age." Love that expression, BTW.

I'm 48 and haven't hit menopause yet, though I had a hysterectomy four years ago (fibroids) my ovaries are intact. Truthfully I'm concerned about what the change will be like because Mom had a terrible time with hot flashes for several years. She put on a lot of weight when she took Premarin and never really lost it. She always had kind of a youthful look about her, even in old age, and I seem to have inherited that. Still, I notice that in certain situations I become "invisible" too. Funny those tend to be "bar" environments--try to stay out of those!eyes2

Since I've always been an opinionated sort, that really hasn't changed. I'm not keen to sugar-coat things to avoid displeasure or pretend to be stupid so I don't seem threatening to Ogs. One reason I love politics is most people of like mind care about whether you're dependable and say what you mean, at least at the lower levels. Not planning on running for office because likely my childfree status will be unfathomable to many potential voters. So I'll stay behind the scenes. There's a lot of work to be done, especially in Wisconsin this year.

I've been a musician for almost 40 years now and have taught violin a long time. At least I did till the economy went south a few years back. Had a good reputation as a teacher but the supply of students kind of dried up. That's frustrating, and despite advertising the situation hasn't changed yet. So I'm doing more performing just for the helluvit, mainly fiddling. It's interesting to beome good at a different style of music, and I've met some cool people too.

It's true that childed women don't quite know how to relate to a childfree one, but if there's common ground we can and do stay friendly. In my family, they seem to respect our choice since Better Half and I aren't the only childfree couple. To be fair, though, few of them know it wasn't infertility, and no one else has asked. On Better Half's side, his Dad maybe stresses a bit. But hey, he wasn't going to raise our (nonexistent) kyds, and he does have four grandkyds and five great-grandkyds.

Sorry for rambling! Despite my periodic depressions I'm looking forward to however long I have left on this planet. And truthfully, not so long ago I wasn't sure I'd live to see 48. So my purpose wasn't to have kyds, but that's not a bad thing. I can still contribute or at least try not to leave a huge mess in my wake.

It takes a child to raze a village.

I understand it is also harder to lose or maintain body weight post-menopause? I found it a lot harder to lose in my 30s than in my 20s, so if I ever manage to lose my excess weight I am going to take extreme care not to let it slip up again. I'm not even sure I can lose it with my current metabolism.

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yurble
I understand it is also harder to lose or maintain body weight post-menopause? I found it a lot harder to lose in my 30s than in my 20s, so if I ever manage to lose my excess weight I am going to take extreme care not to let it slip up again. I'm not even sure I can lose it with my current metabolism.

I am wondering about that too, yurble. Losing and keeping weight off was relatively easy in my twenties, got more difficult in my thirties, and now that I'm in my forties I really have to watch what I eat because I'm fearful of gaining weight and not being able to lose it.

My moo had terrible hot flashes and violent mood swings while she was going through menopause. I certainly hope that doesn't happen to me. I AM looking forward to no more painful periods and no more PMS.

What I worry about is wrinkling up and looking like a shar pei. That and getting fat. My moo has an apple shape, and she got really round and wrinkly after menopause. I carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, and worry that my ass will resemble two hippos fighting in a gunny sack.

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mumofsixbirds

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yurble
I understand it is also harder to lose or maintain body weight post-menopause? I found it a lot harder to lose in my 30s than in my 20s, so if I ever manage to lose my excess weight I am going to take extreme care not to let it slip up again. I'm not even sure I can lose it with my current metabolism.

I am wondering about that too, yurble. Losing and keeping weight off was relatively easy in my twenties, got more difficult in my thirties, and now that I'm in my forties I really have to watch what I eat because I'm fearful of gaining weight and not being able to lose it.

My moo had terrible hot flashes and violent mood swings while she was going through menopause. I certainly hope that doesn't happen to me. I AM looking forward to no more painful periods and no more PMS.

What I worry about is wrinkling up and looking like a shar pei. That and getting fat. My moo has an apple shape, and she got really round and wrinkly after menopause. I carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, and worry that my ass will resemble two hippos fighting in a gunny sack.

M6, I had a few laughs here LOL

Hippos in a gunny sack - HA!

I can't give anyone any 'body' advice because I think my carcass is screwed up from chemicals. Well I could say something about that - several people here mention Fibromyalgia - this might be caused by chem exposure. And specific drugs. You can look into that. I do not know that much about it myself (except from what I found researching some weird drugs I was given - and kind of gave up on it because it was freaking me out too much.) I do know that there are ways to 'leech out' toxins from your system, again, I didn't read that far into that end of it either. I don't want to be shoving more weird crap in either in some attempted 'fix'. Take everything you read with a grain of salt. And research every thing carefully.

One thing I did see - eat more 'roughage' - it pulls some of it out. Well that sounds OK and do able and more healthy food won't hurt you so I just decided to try that.

~ ~

"Getting Old and Wrinkly" ~

Again, I'm not a bio or med person but I'm having this idea that - if you don't 'beat yourself up' - is this really going to be that big of an issue? And maybe the angles of - breeding leeching out all kinds of nutrients from the bod, calcium for sure, and all of it's parasitic needs - so that has got to have a huge beat down impact on the bod, which will then (possibly) accelerate over time ~

And if the CF have not 'drained' their bods in this way - I'm thinking this should not be too big of an issue. Eat right, take care of your skin, exercise - there are head / face / neck exercises to be done too, Google - do this and my guess is that this shouldn't be an issue.

And, if you have a personality like mine - get enough BS shoved down your throat - and it inspires you to want to go the other way!

Example - These annoying, oft repeated, "Lifestyle Lift" facelift ads on TV!

I haven't seen this one on local TV here - but it's just as bad as the rest! eyes2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1HJw2FNxHY

I've seen variations of this one -
http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7ld5/lifestyle-lift-eloise

The woman at the front of that one, I've seen a variation of it where she's handling her 'neck' as if she's trying to choke down pills and on and on with this crap BLARG.

It's all annoying enough as is - but the constant repetition of this crap really does get on your nerves!

To the point where - I wanna glue some chicken skin on my neck! Annoys you *so much* that you start to *hope for* the opposite!!!

Principal Skinner cancels on Edna K: Mother got her neck wattle caught in a zipper ~

GAWD. They should just use that Simpsons clip for their ads.

JMHO - take care of yourself and this shouldn't be an issue.

And I think - by the time these things may manifest for me - Ima be too old to care.

Really, I was ignored more before menopause than now; sexism applies to any age. The sensible approach is to ignore the ignorers. Conduct yourself as a person worthy of being noticed and you WILL be noticed--at least by the only people who matter.

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learnernotlurker
My advice to a young CF is the same as to any young woman: Be true to yourself and ignore all bingos and breederific horror stories.

Thanks for the advice! I have to learn how to practice ignoring the horror stories, though. Now that I am entering my mid 20s, witnessing more and more friends, family members start to follow The Lifescript (ditching their dream-get any job-house mortgage-set to get married and have kids), it's getting harder to ignore :/ how to get over the fear that some time in the future, my own body would betray me and demand I breed fast--turning me into breeder-brained woman?

You are your body. It won't betray you anymore than you would it. Just keep track of how much any potential Kodak moments seem to stack up against the horrible consequences of pignancy and raising random immature people you might like to summon into your relationship. Add 40% damage from unforseen consequences upon your body and relationship and see if it still sounds good.
Identify what specifically about such imaginary Kodak moments is appealing. I think tiny miniature clothes are adorable! But not when they are on tiny humans! Don't let your mind fool you, in most cases you can find ways to get that Kodak itch satisfied well without summoning strange people from your or your partner's vagina.
Unless you're just not complete without a size XXXL cooter and deflated windsock titties. Giving birth might just satisfy that yearning the most efficiently.

Also if outside opinions and praise matter more to you than your internal convictions and self satisfaction with your life choices, you might be more susceptible to bingos.
Just remember at the end of the day you go home with yourself only, not usually your friends or mentors. What they think only matters so much, they can sign up for 20+ year obligations on their own time. Ain't nobody but you that can make that call for you.

This is a great thread. I wish I had a forum like this when I was a young CFer. By the time I found CF material on the web, it was around 1998 and I was 36 years old. I really could have used the support in my 20's. Here's the advice I can think of as a 50+ person.

0--Of course #0 is to remain CF. Being CF for the long hall (sic, inside joke) isn't for sissies. I would recommend sterilization for everyone who is CF because the psychic gift is priceless.

1. If you want to be CF, it's so much easier to not live in Podunk. I went to college and got my first job in the Midwest, where it's the norm to be wed 'n bred by the time a female is 25. Getting out of there was a good decision.
Live near the coasts or at least in an urban type environment where an unmarried 30, 35 or 40 year old woman isn't considered a freak. When I was 30 I moved to a major city for my job. I didn't know anyone there. It was liberating, great and very grown-up. It's good to push outside your comfort zone and meet new people and experience new things. Plus it looks good on a resume. .

2. Take care of our body. Use sunscreen so you don't look like shoe leather when you are 60. Keep alcohol in moderation--nothing ages you like booze and drugs in excess. And forget the cigarettes for so many reasons: they are costly; they are bad for you and they age you too. Get hypnotized if you have to kick the habit and get help if you drink too much alcohol or take too many drugs. AA and NA are free and you don't want to die young because you did something stupid under the influence. (or had unprotected sex, etc.)

You can abuse your body in your 20's and 30's and eat food that's not so great, but I can attest that by age 40, if you are eating crappy processed food, your body will make you pay. Spend a little more for good quality fruits and vegetables and antibiotic free meats if you eat meat. And exercise is essential when you are 40+. It helps your mood and it helps keep you weight-appropriate for your height.

3. Love only those who love you. This would seem like a no-brainer, but for years I dated people who were just "meh" about me, and many were critical, whiny-ass men who would have whined if I'd been Anne Hathaway with a six-figure income. I cringe when I think of all the energy I wasted with the "pick me, pick me" gyrations. Get a spine and have some dignity and learn to date with dignity. That means slow courtships and casual dating for the first few dates. Don't reveal much about yourself for the first few dates so you can END IT easily if you see red flags. It takes TIME to get to know someone and healthy people realize this. A quality man will realize this too.

And don't take it personally if you are meeting wackos. When i was single, I attracted a lot of normal-looking men, some even were high-powered types, who turned out to be "not right in the head" as we say in the South. It was easy to tell them nicely that I didn't feel a spark and to drop the relationship, because I hadn't invested too much in the relationships. Hungry people make poor shoppers.

And get some therapy if you don't realize you have every right to CHOOSE. For years I thought if a man pursued me hard I was somehow obligated to stay with him. This is low self-esteem thinking. SELECT, don't settle.

Make sure your inner circle contains people who think you are great just the way you are. They are out there, I promise you, but you'll have to pass up a lot of people and not settle. You have the right to move on and escort people out of our life who aren't good friends to you.

4. I got on a tangent with the love and relationships thing, but another recommendation is to live below your means. You don't want to get to your Golden Years without any gold and starting young means the power of compounded money can work for you. Set up direct deposits or automatic withdraws before the money ever hits your checking account. If you never see it, you won't know what's missing. I've always hid money from myself in various funds: emergency, 401k, new car replacement fund*, etc. *If you have a car and a car payment, after you pay it off, put the same amount into a savings account so when it comes time to buy a new car, you'll have cash.

A quick-and-dirty way to budget is to have your paycheck deposited into your savings account and transfer your spending dollars for the month into your checking account. When the money is gone, you have to wait to the next month. It also makes you realize that just because it's in your checking account, it's not there for you to spend. Follow the budget.

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Medusa

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yurble
Some women have talked about "becoming invisible" as they age and are presumably considered less attractive. Have you noticed people dismissing you more than when you were younger?

Hell yes - as soon as I turned 36. Seriously, it was like a switch went on/off. I used to get harassed every time I left the house; couldn't even go to the supermarket without some sleazebag getting in my face. Now even the pervs totally ignore me. And I don't miss them at all.

It does suck when you're in a store looking for help and the clerks ignore you. And when some douche slams a door in your face. :cen

I agree w/ this, I do feel more invisible since I hit my later 40s, but part of it is very welcome. When younger I got constant gawking looks, sometimes verbal harassment, go to bar, maybe a little too much attention. I still look ok and my male friends will tell me Im an attractive woman w/o being asked, but Im invisible to the general population, male people are not as polite in normal situations as they used to be, less friendly. (I really thought they wanted to be my friend bcos they liked me, I guess not, lol) I probably gained 5# a year, so now I'm overweight but still have a normal shape, just larger. Can't lose the weight when I try and I think w/ menopause I have lost the inclination too, at least for longer periods of time. I used to love working out and eating right, and was virtually always motivated to do so, now, I waste my club memberships like everyone else. I go in w/ good intentions, but I just dont feel like it...ever. In fact I dont feel like doing anything, work, housework, socializing, definitely not fam obligations. I might be suffering depression, but I cant be sure. I should talk to a doctor. I agree w/ others, I just dont even want to deal w/ stuff I dont want to deal with, so I dont now. Before I probably would try a little harder, you know?

I never had a real hot flash that I know of. The hair on my face is getting out of control. If I didnt stay on it, I am afraid what it would look like. Hair on my legs in less, stuff like that. Oil on my face is less. If my hub didnt smoke and my curly hair didnt tangle, I bet I wouldn't have to wash my hair but once a week. That makes things easier. Since the oil is less on my body, I can skip a shower once in awhile and it is no big deal, that makes things easier too. Eyelashes are shorter so seriously need mascara.

I'm not turned off by sex but it isnt as important to me. If I have it, I have it, if I dont I dont. Dryer than I used to be as I used to be like a flood. LOL Other than that I dont have the normal traits of the change. Oh, yeah, I do have what they call 'sensitive bladder' now, that is a pain, I tried those patches and they work but leave marks on your body, I tried the pills, I think they work, but I' get sick of having to take something all the time. It seems if I have 2 beers and travel for 30 mins, I have to go, even if i went. It is pain. I think I got the beginning of my first UTI but I nipped it in the bud, but when I looked that up I found out they did occur more of post-meno women, who knew? I guess your hormones created discharge that protects you from that stuff when youre younger.

I feel that my face 'fell' overnight. I'm not as wrinkly as some,so that looks ok, but everything sags and I almost dont recognize myself.

That is all I can think of now. Dont worry about it, and accept it when it comes.....ongue2

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Dorisan

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yurble
I'm sure nobody misses the harassment, but I don't want to be discounted as a person when I'm trying to get customer service.

In some respects, though, I see the invisibility as an advantage.

Dh and I decided to take both our cars to the car wash. He's taking mine, since it's newer and more reliable, across the country to visit family. I'm taking his to work. My car didn't really need washed or cleaned out, but I'm sure as heck not going to trundle around in his trashmobile. So, both cars go.

Anyway ...

I'm wearing old shorts and a t-shirt. I pull on my old tennis shoes, grab my purse and get ready to head out. I'm not even bothered that today is Leg Shaving Day and I haven't done that yet. I just put on a long pair of socks. Dh asks me to hold up until he can put on a clean pair of jeans, a grubby t-shirt and his belt. He then proceeds to tuck his shirt into his pants.

I plainly ask "what the eff are you doing? We're going to the car wash. You're just dirtying up more clothes for me to have to wash. Please put your gruboids back on."

Dh: "but there'll be other people there. I don't want to look like a slob." Then he scans my tattered shorts and faded t-shirt with a scowl and says "that's what you're wearing?"

Me: (thinking of this thread) "Dearest, you are 64, I'm 54. Yanno what? People don't see us. We're taking our two putt-putts up there and will be in the stalls. Everyone else will be busy washing and cleaning their mini-vans out since school starts next week."

Dh stubbornly insisted on being neater than I was, using the "well, I'll know what I look like" reasoning. Yeah. Whatever. Thanks. Make the load of dirty jeans even more voluminous.

While washing and then vacuuming, I decided to to see if the Theory of Age Invisibility applied. It did. This was a car wash with a dozen bays. Three or four young people were there, getting their cars cleaned up for the start of school. It took them longer because they were back and forth, talking and flirting. A couple of moms, flinging Cheerios and chucking fast food boxes into the trash. They talked amongst themselves. Dh and me and another older guy washing down his antique Buick. No one paid us any mind. The attendant trotted right past us to go holler at the kids who were spending their quarters to pay for a water fight while I'm banging a defective wash wand on the ground and cussing. He asks one of the Moms to quit whisking food on the ground, it would draw roaches. Dh and I and the older guy - yeah, we were pretty much not even there. And I was fine with that. This was one of the times I was happy with my Age Invisibility Cloak. And I didn't even mention it to Dh later, when he took off his jeans and laid them over the back porch bannister to dry before chucking them into the dirty clothes basket. I just gave him a very dour look. eyes2

I agree w/ all this to. If I'm just running errands, I just dont care. If I spend time on nicer clothes whatever, it is wasted b/c we invisible. So I go out more solvenly than ever. Even my BFF has passed me up in the grocery store. It doesnt' matter and makes things faster and easier. lol ongue2