Resources for people estranged from family

I know several of us have made posts in the past about experiencing at least some level of estrangement from family, either voluntarily and initiated by us, or involuntary and initiated by them. I found a list of cool links today that may be handy for those of us in that situation. There's some good stuff in there and I hope somebody finds it helpful!
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Surviving the holidays with estrangement:

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2017/12/05/going-no-contact-family-estrangement-at-christmas-and-other-major-holidays/

http://www.standalone.org.uk/guides/festive-guide/

https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/rewriting-rules-festive-season/

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2014/11/25/surviving-the-festive-season-part-one-what-makes-it-so-stressful/

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2014/12/16/surviving-the-festive-season-part-two-strategies-for-getting-through-it/

A general article about cultivating "chosen family" and some of the challenges and pitfalls in that:

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2017/11/12/chosen-family-10-pitfalls-to-be-aware-of-when-creating-one-of-your-own/

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A support site for people who are estranged from family:

http://www.standalone.org.uk

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Academic papers and studies I found on the subject of estrangement:


https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1066&context=commstudiespapers

http://standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalReport.pdf

https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=5261&context=etd

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0093650217715542

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15267431.2015.1111215

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https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1066&context=commstudiespapers

http://standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/HiddenVoices.FinalReport.pdf

http://www.standalone.org.uk/guides/festive-guide/

https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/rewriting-rules-festive-season/

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2014/11/25/surviving-the-festive-season-part-one-what-makes-it-so-stressful/

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2014/12/16/surviving-the-festive-season-part-two-strategies-for-getting-through-it/

https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2018/11/19/holidays-family-estrangement

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https://www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/

https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=5261&context=etd

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/15/becca-bland-estranged-parents

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0093650217715542

https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=5261&context=etd

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15267431.2015.1111215

https://londoncentralcounselling.com/2017/11/12/chosen-family-10-pitfalls-to-be-aware-of-when-creating-one-of-your-own/

http://www.standalone.org.uk/guides/festive-guide/

Hey, thanks for posting this! I am currently, newly estranged from my aunt, who is a malignant narcissist. She's stolen money from me, lied about me to my husband, asserted that I bullied him into marrying me (claiming she 'overheard' us exchanging words at her house once, but I assure you - it had NOTHING to do with marriage or bullying him about it), actively sought to destroy my marriage, the list goes on and on. She's told me that I'm a worthless POS that doesn't even deserve basic medical treatment. She says I have nothing, and I'm lower than the low.

I've wracked my brains trying to think of a single thing that I've done to her, but I just can't think of anything. Both my husband and I have been nothing but polite, helpful and respectful towards her. She's tried taking advantage of me, disrespected me, insulted my appearance, torn me down in ways that not even a schoolyard bully would do.

Another horrible thing I can think of is how she abused my disabled uncle, her husband, and the day after our mother died, she told us horrible stories about her that weren't even true.

I'm still suffering from the abuse, because she's going around telling other family members that I "broke her heart" and that "she has no family" etc., and "how much she loves us..."

I decided to stop speaking with her a few months back, and apart from one extremely abusive phone call when she coaxed me to call her under the guise that she missed me, and I fell for the bait. She used my sister to get me to call her. I hung up on her and I don't speak to her.

This woman pretends to be a good Christian, and acts like she's the victim, when she has victimized so many people, it isn't even funny.

Of course, I will never speak to her again, but it's difficult over the holidays. I will be looking into some of those links, because I need all the help I can get.

Incidentally, she is spending Christmas alone. Nobody wants to be around her anymore. She's created this nightmare for herself, which should be right up her alley, because then she can cry herself to sleep at night, feeling like the victim again.

One day I'll find it in my heart to forgive her, but right now it's too fresh and raw for me to be anywhere near that. My husband and I are still struggling a little from the residual bullshit she's put us through, but her actions certainly haven't broken us.

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mumofsixbirds
Hey, thanks for posting this! I am currently, newly estranged from my aunt, who is a malignant narcissist. She's stolen money from me, lied about me to my husband, asserted that I bullied him into marrying me (claiming she 'overheard' us exchanging words at her house once, but I assure you - it had NOTHING to do with marriage or bullying him about it), actively sought to destroy my marriage, the list goes on and on. She's told me that I'm a worthless POS that doesn't even deserve basic medical treatment. She says I have nothing, and I'm lower than the low.

I've wracked my brains trying to think of a single thing that I've done to her, but I just can't think of anything. Both my husband and I have been nothing but polite, helpful and respectful towards her. She's tried taking advantage of me, disrespected me, insulted my appearance, torn me down in ways that not even a schoolyard bully would do.

Another horrible thing I can think of is how she abused my disabled uncle, her husband, and the day after our mother died, she told us horrible stories about her that weren't even true.

I'm still suffering from the abuse, because she's going around telling other family members that I "broke her heart" and that "she has no family" etc., and "how much she loves us..."

I decided to stop speaking with her a few months back, and apart from one extremely abusive phone call when she coaxed me to call her under the guise that she missed me, and I fell for the bait. She used my sister to get me to call her. I hung up on her and I don't speak to her.

This woman pretends to be a good Christian, and acts like she's the victim, when she has victimized so many people, it isn't even funny.

Of course, I will never speak to her again, but it's difficult over the holidays. I will be looking into some of those links, because I need all the help I can get.

Incidentally, she is spending Christmas alone. Nobody wants to be around her anymore. She's created this nightmare for herself, which should be right up her alley, because then she can cry herself to sleep at night, feeling like the victim again.

One day I'll find it in my heart to forgive her, but right now it's too fresh and raw for me to be anywhere near that. My husband and I are still struggling a little from the residual bullshit she's put us through, but her actions certainly haven't broken us.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, and I'm glad that you have gotten away from her!

Even if we know that getting the toxic people out of our lives is best, it's hard to shake the hurt feelings during a time of the year where traditionally people are gathering and sharing time together. And it's not easy for everyone to cultivate a "chosen family." I get sentimental for the "old days" myself, when I felt more loved and accepted by my extended family. But I have to remind myself they only loved and accepted me so much because I was a small, cute child who was innocent, entertaining, and played by their rules.

Now that I'm a grown-up with opinions and autonomy, I'm not so "cute" anymore, and I'm either regarded with judgement or indifference. Only a select few actually still show me real love, but they are so tied to the toxic ones that it's hard to get them separate from those other people. And I don't get the support and love from the toxic ones anymore because I made unconventional choices, including not having baybeeeez.

The worst part about it is that she put my uncle in a home, and won't allow us to see him. I reported her to the health authorities after we witnessed her giving him massive doses of cannabis oil - eight full droppers per day. When my husband and I witnessed her doing this to him, we tried to stop her. She has accused us of 'attacking' her, and she won't let us see him. The home where he's now staying is just a few blocks away from where she lives. We won't go anywhere near there. She's threatened us with a restraining order, so we have no choice.

The other day I was looking for something, and found a couple of decks of cards that we bought for when my uncle came to visit. He loved cards so much, and we'd play them all the time when we got together. I just burst into tears.

It hurts me, but I just can't take a chance on seeing her. As it is, if I ever do see her again, I'll have some choice words for her and it won't be pretty. I'd rather avoid the situation altogether.

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mumofsixbirds
The worst part about it is that she put my uncle in a home, and won't allow us to see him. I reported her to the health authorities after we witnessed her giving him massive doses of cannabis oil - eight full droppers per day. When my husband and I witnessed her doing this to him, we tried to stop her. She has accused us of 'attacking' her, and she won't let us see him. The home where he's now staying is just a few blocks away from where she lives. We won't go anywhere near there. She's threatened us with a restraining order, so we have no choice.

The other day I was looking for something, and found a couple of decks of cards that we bought for when my uncle came to visit. He loved cards so much, and we'd play them all the time when we got together. I just burst into tears.

It hurts me, but I just can't take a chance on seeing her. As it is, if I ever do see her again, I'll have some choice words for her and it won't be pretty. I'd rather avoid the situation altogether.

My heart goes out to you. That is so terribly heartbreaking. :'( Elder abuse is so common, and it has to be so terrible to see that happening to someone you love but knowing there's not much you can do to help them.

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Related, I was googling "family estrangement issues" and found this old thread on a shopping forum. The OP was just like, "I don't attend extended family events because I don't want to, don't fit in, my family is kind of indifferent towards me anyway. Should I feel bad?" And many of the replies are the nastiest, most judgmental bullshit I've ever read. It was either from people who don't have bad family dynamics and think that all fambleeee is gooooood no matter what, or it's people who on some level know their family relationships are shit, but they are trying to grin and bear it for the sake of not being alone, and think everyone else should as well. It was gross. If you want a good hate-read, here's the link: http://forums.redflagdeals.com/i-never-attend-family-events-im-not-coming-across-rude-am-i-1284415/

I think the OP there was just trying to get some validation that they aren't a super crappy person for deciding not to continue a false relationship with extended family (they even said they do stuff with their parents and siblings), and a few people were supportive and said it was their choice, but most of the replies were assholes who wanted to tell OP how horribly wrong they were and how they should just grit their teeth and go to the gatherings anyway. It's a nice, little microcosm of what happens out in the world if you tell people you're estranged from your family or that you don't go to gatherings. Most people are like, "but it's FAAAAAMMMMBLEEEEEEE!" and "blood is thicker than water," and other such annoying platitudes.

To be quite honest, I'd rather be entirely alone than surrounded by fake people, or people who don't "get" me. People are brainwashed to think that a superficial relationship is better than no relationship at all, but I really disagree with that. I love my husband and the few really good friends I have, but I also have learned to like my own company. I can find ways to amuse myself if need be, and if I ever got super starved for human contact, I'd join a book club or something.