How to emotionally divorce a friend

Forgive me if this ends u sounding more like whining...basically, that's what it is, but in nicer words. And this will likely be long, so please bear with me.

A small summary...I met my best friend in college three years ago, and we stayed very close friends, seeing one another every day and doing just about everything together. I think at some point, I began to love him as more than a friend, as did he toward me, and we would have dated was I not already with someone I cared about.

Now my friend has graduated, and I cannot cope with him being gone. I know he's happy having gone back to his hometown (600 miles away), he's got an interview lined up for his dream job and he is crushing on this girl he met at a an open-mike event. If I was a normal, good friend, I'd be thrilled for him about everything...but I'm not. I get insanely jealous when he talks about being with other women, and I admit in the throes of despair I said things to him I shouldn't have in terms of his dating.

I really don't expect him to not date just to please un-single me, but deep down I know I will vehemently resent him if he does date. Before anyone asks, this is not a one-sided crush -- Friend has told me multiple times he loved me, he wanted to be with me, and that he even would marry me. I didn't develop feelings for him because of what he said - it just happened on its own.

I have never coped well with loss, probably because I have experienced so little of it, and dare I say I got way too attached to my friend (I do not make friends easily and when I do, I grow to like them a whole lot). And now, every time I have a phone conversation with Friend, I have to make up some excuse to end the call early so I can go curl up on my bed and cry.

I know my thoughts are not rational. I decided I didn't want to speak to Friend at all until I could get my head on straight and see him as a friend ONLY, and I told him so in an email (he took it well). But I know - I damn well know - even if I take all the time in the world to get over him, the second he tells me he's dating, I'm going to slam the phone down, unplug it, and just lose my mind. I never thought it was possible to love two people at once until it happened to me. The pain I feel knowing I will lose much of what I had with him when he gets himself a piece of ass is horrible - it's the cutting pain that tears you up from the inside and makes you wish you were dead. But I know good friends don't guilt-trip their friends for wanting to be happy like I have been doing to my friend, hence my desire to just stop talking to him.

Basically, I'd like to ask the folks here if anyone has any experience with forgetting someone they love and will never have. My current method right now is to cease contact with my friend temporarily (though it will most likely become permanent when I realize I can't cope with losing him), to remind myself of all his flaws (I have them too, but you see where I'm going with this) and to tell myself he and I wouldn't ever work out anyway (he's sort of a fence-sitter, but might be okay with never having kids). When I'm about to bust into tears, I tell myself these things over and over again to maybe make the pain of loss a little less hurtful. It's all I can do right now.

As much as I enjoyed being around him and being his friend, a tiny art of me wishes we'd never met. If we hadn't, I wouldn't be broken-hearted like this. I have already promised myself I will not become more than an acquaintance to anyone ever again, just so I can avoid the pain in my heart when they leave or abandon me. It's not worth it, IMHO.

Clearly, Friend fills a void my BF leaves open...I don't know what it is. But I don't want to dump my BF because I do love him very much. What would you do in my situation? Please no one advise me to leave my BF...I know I want to be with him right now, but my heart is playing mean tricks on me and I need to train those habits out of myself.

Yes. I let someone go who made me feel whole as a person and unfroze my heart because it wasn't the time. I made the harsh decision but it gets easier as it goes along.

You can cease contact but everything you see will remind you of him. Stay as strong as you can, as long as you can. There is always the chance that it's not a "no"- just a "not yet."

I don't know if this will answer your question, but don't burn your bridges. You may end up together one day after you have both finished "experiencing other people".

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

Maybe poofy...I'm not sure where my BF and I will be in five years. Anything is possible, but I'm not holding my breath.

I hope time will heal what I feel. A good former friend of mine I knew (i.e. hung out with) for three months dropped out and it took me a year to get over him leaving. I've known my current friend for three years...I cringe to think how long it will take for me to get over him.

Should you tell him?

Should I tell who? I think there's three men in my story at this point. You must specify, Rose.

The one you are trying not to have a crush on.....

Ohhh okay. I understands now

I have already told him - there's no secrets. I know he loves me, and he knows I care very much for him. And it really broke my heart when he told me that he wanted to marry me and that he envisioned us being together forever, that I was the only woman he ever felt that he truly loved. And then the biggest kick in the face was when he told me that he would be okay with never having children (whereas my current BF wants them, but I still don't know if he wants them more than he wants to be with me). It's as if my BF and my friend are two halves and, if I could combine them, I could make the perfect man for me. I love each of them for different reasons, which just sucks because I should not be loving two men at once.

These words didn't make me care for him - I cared before he even said any of this, and I know he was likely also suffering a bit of heartache knowing my BF began dating me three months before my friend met me.

I don't think he's feeling as bad right now because he's in a new city, making new friends, getting jobs and probably looking for tail, and - unfortunately - right now he's terrified after being mugged last night, so any potential heartache he felt is likely on the back burner while he recuperates.

I can say that I have not cried since I last spoke to him, which leads me to believe that the only way to not be upset over him is to keep contact very limited. I wish I didn't need to, but it is highly unrealistic to expect him to abstain just to make me happy, and I would never ask him to do something so ridiculous.

Wow. It's a shame that limiting contact makes it easier, but I do wish you could find a way to be together. You are true to your heart and hopefully answers will come more easily in time.

DO NOT take any advice from RR, she a bit of a wacko, shes a little off, very unstable :yeah

Thanks, Rose. It's just so confusing because I know I love my BF - if I didn't, I wouldn't feel sad thinking of my life without him. But I also know I love my friend, and it does make me sad to think of my life without him. I don't think this is a matter of me loving one guy more than the other, because then I would know who to be with. It's a matter of me loving two guys to the same degree, but for different things.

I really will try to accept whatever choices my friend makes, but I think he's going to catch on right quick when he talks about women he might date and my voice is cracking and I suddenly have to hang up because I 'left something on the stove' or because I 'just remembered I have to do a project for tomorrow' when it's Saturday night. And I know he's going to feel bad, which he shouldn't have to do just because my thoughts are irrational.

Time will tell, I guess.

I know this is difficult. Hopefully the best resolution will present itself. Are you going to visit my online art gallery when its up and running?

Wow...such a heartbreaking situation, Cambion. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things work out for the best. Take care of yourself...and your heart.

I talked to my friend a couple of nights ago...he said he couldn't stand not speaking to me anymore. He also told me that he didn't want to be with anyone - I told him I don't want him not dating just because he's waiting for me when I may never be anything more than a friend to him. His reply was that he wasn't not dating because of me - he just wasn't that big on dating new people because all his past girlfriends cheated on him with no fewer than five guys.

Friend said he doesn't want things to change between us, and while we both agreed that we don't know where either of us will be in a year or five years, he'll be there if I need him.

So, I guess things are good for now. I'm not sure what will happen between my BF and I, but I guess time will tell.

I am Johnny-Come-Lately on this thread. Emotionally divorcing a friend is hard...as hard as breaking up with a lover. A friend did this to me awhile back. She wanted a Zen life alone with her soap operas while her husband worked all day. I was a 'drain' in her mind because I chose to live in the real world among the "horrors of people and such". It hurt like h-ll because we were friends for 8 years. I had been very generous to her. When she sent me the curt e-mail, she never thanked me for the gold jewelry I sent for a gift or anything. I learned something, though, Cambion. I am not as giving with a person until I feel s/he is for real. I also learned from a former JAX friend who was a 5/minute friend until her high-end other SAHM friends were around. Suddenly, she would not return calls or say some trite s#it of how her e-mails are messed up and she did not get mine. Another lesson, I leave 2 messages max. No call back means I do not call again. Hope my a.m. ramblings helped...

Cambion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I talked to my friend a couple of nights ago...he
> said he couldn't stand not speaking to me anymore.
> He also told me that he didn't want to be with
> anyone - I told him I don't want him not dating
> just because he's waiting for me when I may never
> be anything more than a friend to him. His reply
> was that he wasn't not dating because of me - he
> just wasn't that big on dating new people because
> all his past girlfriends cheated on him with no
> fewer than five guys.
>
> Friend said he doesn't want things to change
> between us, and while we both agreed that we don't
> know where either of us will be in a year or five
> years, he'll be there if I need him.
>
> So, I guess things are good for now. I'm not sure
> what will happen between my BF and I, but I guess
> time will tell.

Just give in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get yourself to that city and feel it.