I just came back from a stupid baby shower

Here's how it went.
There was a game of tasting baby food and try to guess what it is. By the look of the guests' faces, it was disgusting. So I filled out my form with what I thought it was (or should be) to make the game more interesting: Veal liver, salami, fish oil, capers, smelly feet, martini with 2 olives.
Then, the guests had to guess the circumference of the moo to be. It wasn't that bad, untill the end when the MIL measured: the moo to be lift up her shirt and put down her pants, revealing her humongous gut for all to see, which was nauseating.
Then she spent 2 hours opening presents, during which me and another cf woman (thank dog I was not alone) played the penis game (replace words in names of movies with "penis": No country for old penises, or Harry Potter and the Chamber of penis) which was highly amusing.
The men who had left to play pool came back, we ate at the buffet, which was worth the trip. There were no kids to put their grubby hands on the food.
Last game: We had to bring a picture of us as a baby (I tried to find one of Damian or of a hissing baby on a ceiling being thrown holy water on it) and we had to play the game of who's that baby? I paired with the other cf girl, then left to have a glasse of wine with the men who had a diverse and more interesting conversation. I also find that being surrounded only with women and their hi-pitched voice gives me headaches. I prefer the graver voice of men.
Towards the end, when we were all in the living room, the MIL asked me when we were having kids. I looked at her, and calmly but firmly said: Never.
All in all, it wasn't that bad. I managed to avoid unpleasant people and all in all was not subjected to bingoes. The most unpleasant one was the future father's cousin who is slightly retarded and can't control the volume of her voice indoors. I felt like beating her sensely every time she opened her pie hole.

I have never been a guest or a hostess of a baybee shower that wasn't similar to dying a slow painful death with no end in sight. The main thing that bothers me is the squealing and ooohs and ahhhhs over every fucking gift from an expensive and extravagant truly "oohable" gift to a plastic wallyworld baybee rattler. Expressing the exact same insincere shrill squeal of delight over each and every gift is annoying as hell and some sort of an unspoken right of passage, I suppose. I tried to make the last one I last hosted a little better by spacing the times on the invitations since women don't seem to understand that a "tea" that says, "drop by anytime between 2-4 means JUST that. They ALL come at 1:45 and stay until 4:30 and there is NO WAY to get around the hour and a half long gift unveiling nonsense.

So, on 1/2 of the invites I put 2-3pm and 3-4pm on the other half. I was hoping that the 2-3pmers would be about to leave or gone before the next crowd got there, but it was a pointless waste of time. Women talk among themselves before showers apparently and every fucking one of them arrived at 1:45 and wouldn't leave until nearly 5pm. The traditional gift unveiling was delayed as close to 4pm as possible, regardless of me prompting the bitch to go ahead and open the shit at 3pm, as EVERYBODY was there and had been for over an hour. They absolutely will NOT do it and I can only guess it's because it's traditional, expected, and they want to milk it for every precious moment, much like they do the whole pregnancy and the weeks after delivery.

If I ever get an invite to another one I will just send a check. I will say I am sick or whatever it takes to get out of it and I will NEVER host another one. I would estimate that I have either hosted or been a guest at at LEAST 100 bridal and baby showers in my adult life and that's a precious plenty. In 2005 before I moved up here I either hosted or was a guest at NINE, in one year alone, or possibly more as I am going by memory. That doesn't count kiddie birthday parties where gifts are expected and while I avoided most of those, I still sent gifts.

Baby showers are THE number-one indoctrination drive for girls between the ages of 7 and 13. No boys have to go to them. Why not?

I remember being brought to these ridiculous things when I was that age. It felt like I was attending some kind of arcane cult with its female-only attendance, its coded language and special rituals. It almost seemed as if the moo-to-be was expected to give the audience what they so obviously wanted, get her biff out, squat down, and expel the kid right there into the partially-unwrapped basinett before cake and coffee was served.

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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

I was invited to a baby shower for my SIL who is married to the English guy and having some stranger's kid. I flat-out said "I don't DO baby showers" to my MIL, who wasn't going either.

Two years ago, I got an invitation to a BS for the wife of a good friend of my DH. I did not go, but I sent them $200 as a gift because this friend has done a lot for Steve, such as helping him get 2 jobs which has led to the job that he has now.

"Towards the end, when we were all in the living room, the MIL asked me when we were having kids. I looked at her, and calmly but firmly said: Never."

By "the MIL," do you mean YOUR MIL or the MIL of the woman who is having the baybee?

Either way, what a rude cunt. Asking someone WHEN they are going to have baybees is a totally rude question.

I meant the moo to be's MIL.

Thanks for the clarification.

I love it when people calmly say "never" or something like that. I bet her eyes popped out of her head.

Wow, Kidlesskim...I can't begin to fathom hosting a baybee shower. I've only been to a few, and just being a guest was absolutely excruciating. I always felt like a total alien, an outsider, like it was the last place on earth I belonged. The last one I went to must have been at least 10 years ago, and I swore NEVER AGAIN. And I haven't. If I get an invite, and it's someone I actually like, I'll send a small gift. Otherwise, nada. Just because you receive an invite does NOT mean you are obligated to give a gift.

I've always resented like hell the fact that men aren't expected to attend these ridiculous functions, and that's one reason I swore them off. Fuck that noise completely.

I will never attend or host a baby shower. End of story.