"Childfree" step-parents

Do any of you read La Vie Childfree blog? Every month the the hostess asks a different question on her blog and on a few different CF forums for people to give their opinions on. This month she asks if someone can be considered childfree if they don't have any kids of their own but have step-kids. It’s an interesting question and I can see why Laura would ask since it seems that a lot of her work is geared toward showing the diversity of people who consider themselves childfree, but if there were fewer folks trying to stretch "childfree" to be some catch-all label would this question even need to be asked? Some ‘childfree’ marry people who aren’t the primary custodians of their minor children but do parental-type stuff when the kids visit. Some ‘childfree’ people have SOs with adult children that they do paruntal-type (or even grandparental-) stuff for. How the hell is that childfree? I don’t see the point of calling yourself something that doesn’t really apply to you. Why not just describe yourself as what you are – a social [non-bio] parent?

Even in situations where the step-parent has no social involvement with kids they could still be recognized as a guardian/responsible party of sorts by law (like in states where step-parents can be made to pay childsupport if the bio parent doesn't have the $$$$). That's not freedom IMO. People are going to call themselves whatever they want to, but this type of shit is annoys me because it seems like this is just another way for breeders to try to invalidated the feelings of people who are childfree and don't enjoy being around childfren. As if there wasn't enough bingotastic fuckery based on "childfree" people who changed their minds I think soon enough breeders will start mooing and bleating about "childfree" step-parents who do damn near everything for their "non-children"... which naturally mean that there's something wrong with childfree people who don't want to co-parent other people's brats eyes2

Plus, if you are a step-parent, you could become a parent at any moment if the child's bio parent dies or is incapacitated by physical or mental injury/illness. Hey, some just rebel when they hit their teens and need to go live with their step-parents.

I think it can be a gray area vs. being fully childed. And there are some boards which allow for it, which is fine by me. But you can't really be CF and a step-parent.

Some of us on this board have been in relationships and even married before to parents. When I was with the duh for 3 years I still considered myself philosophically childfree but in practical terms I was not. You simply cannot opt out of any kind of parental role even if the kyds are adults especially given how long they remain dependent well into adulthood these days. If you are sharing living expenses with your breeder partner some of your money is going to be going to those kyds. You are going to be giving up your privacy and be expected to socialize with your partner and the kyds/grandkyds on at least some occasions. And then there will be the daily reminders that your partner is a breeder. Watching them get misty eyed over sappy Kodak moments on TV or in movies. You'll be out somewhere and encounter someone with a freshly hatched loaf and he'll be all "I remember holding my little Shitleigh for the first time!" while you resist the urge to roll your eyes. It's like dying by a thousand paper cuts with every one driving home this fundamental difference between the two of you. I'm not saying it can't work and I must say I had some wonderful times with my ex, who was an awesome guy in every aspect except for that one but in the end it just got unbearable.

I hope those of us who have been through this serve as a cautionary tale to everyone else. If you are CF and want to remain CF and free of unnecessary encumbrances and resentment STAY AWAY FROM BREEDERS!!

Even if you try real hard not to be, if you marry someone with kids, you WILL end up playing the role of the parent to those children. You still have to deal with the kids, regardless of how they behave, you still will be caught in the storm of drama, screaming, and threats between your partner and their ex/the kids' other bio parent, and you will still be put after the kids and the ex on your partner's List Of Important People.

So if you can help it, don't marry a breeder - it's the exact same thing as having kids but without the nine extra months of torture of pregnancy. I agree with Snark - a step-parent is basically an adoptive parent. Personally, I don't even want any children of my own and I sure as fuck wouldn't want someone else's. And I'd also personally never get to a point in a relationship where I loved someone so much that I'd be willing to accept their kids too because either the desire to spawn or having existing spawn would be a deal-breaker.

Even if the ex of the person had primary custody, who is to say those kids wouldn't decide to up and come live with Duh, or were taken from their mother and handed over to their father? Imagine trying to run off on a spur-of-the-moment vacation with your partner and their fucking kids show up on your doorstep asking to live with you.

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Cambion
Even if the ex of the person had primary custody, who is to say those kids wouldn't decide to up and come live with Duh, or were taken from their mother and handed over to their father? Imagine trying to run off on a spur-of-the-moment vacation with your partner and their fucking kids show up on your doorstep asking to live with you.

It is very common for rebellious teenagers to campaign to move in with Duddy (who tends to be more permissive if he's been non-custodial and especially if Moomy was a SAHM when they were married) and they generally get their wish. It happened to me and to sooooo many other women I know who hooked up with divorced duhs. You can pretty much count on it. Say goodbye to your privacy and part of your income.

I see this as one of the grey areas, because step-parenthood covers a range of relationships with children.

At one extreme, you could have a woman who never had children, and a man who had a child with a previous partner, and the child has limited impact on their life together (which I think would require it to be dead, and the man to not have cared about the child so that he won't mourn anniversaries related to it). He's still not childfree, because he once spawned, but I think she is, because there is no child affecting her life as a result of this relationship.

At the other extreme, the parent is the custodial parent of small children, and the 'cf' person is responsible for their day-to-day care. There is no way that person is childfree.

You also have relationships in between that, and, of course, there is divorce, which could end contact with the children. I think step-parenthood is perhaps the only situation where someone could "become childfree again," provided that the marriage wasn't entered into with the idea of being a surrogate parent, and the divorce ends all parental duties. I also would expect that the relationship with the parent didn't last long, because if you've cleaned diapers, mopped tears, and patched skinned knees for 10 years, you've clearly accepted the parental role.

But, in general, I would say that step-parents are not cf, although former step-parents may be.

I like Yurble's distinctions, good job of explaining the gray areas.

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nomooingzone
Say goodbye to your privacy and part of your income.

Which is precisely why I've never given and divorced duhs or baby daddies the time of day. Their kids are THEIR problem, not mine. The worst part is when they beg and act all entitled, as if they're owed romantic affection because whatever relationships produced their kids didn't work out. Again, that's THEIR problem, not mine. I remember reading some whiney bullshit on a Canadian news site about how women up there are soooooo mean and soooooo prejudiced for not dating single duhs who message them on dating sites. WTF? So these women aren't supposed to have standards?

Being a step-parent is definitely still a parent. I especially feel this way because I have seen so many situations where both bio-parents ditch the kid and it's the former step-parent that steps up to raise the kyd. Hell, I know someone who's mother had her at freaking 14 and she raised entirely by her grandmother and step-grandfather.

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stillcrazy4cats
Being a step-parent is definitely still a parent. I especially feel this way because I have seen so many situations where both bio-parents ditch the kid and it's the former step-parent that steps up to raise the kyd. Hell, I know someone who's mother had her at freaking 14 and she raised entirely by her grandmother and step-grandfather.

Yeah, one of my cousins ended up raising her step-daughter because both her ex and his ex relapsed on drugs. She couldn't stand by and let the little girl suffer the consequences of her parents actions. Plus she was the half sister of her kids. She even raised the grandkids for awhile when her step-daughter died young. I have a lot of respect for my cousin as a person, but she's not CF.

"she asks if someone can be considered childfree if they don't have any kids of their own but have step-kids."

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

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lab mom

When I think of 'step parents' - I think of someone who marries another with little kids. That, I would consider a 'parent'.

Now, you might have a person who marries someone with *adult* children. Is this a "step parent"? Well, it wouldn't be doing any hands on parenting but of course there may be (probably will be) some kind of impact to the CF person's life.

I like older men and yet I am still on guard re- adult children. Sure I wouldn't have to "parent" a 25 year old kid - but - what if that 'kid' HAS kids?

You can bet there will be eyes looking at you to babysit, wanting money, planning the sappy Famblee Parties - these are the things I fear.

Now you could probably say to this person - I do not want to be involved with little children in any way shape or form. But, this is going to make you look like an asshole and will cause friction.

I would think moreso for the female CF; A woman is expected to be "motherly" and "famblee oriented". And that goes for grand children or step grand children too. Grandpa can show face and then go sit on the back porch and drink beer with the guys - he can opt out of most of it and won't be questioned - but GrandMa or even Step GrandMa - yeah - she will come off as a "selfish cold asshole" for doing the same. And GrandPa will probably agree with that too, even if *he* has little interest in the grand kids.

IMO your best bet is to stay AWAY from the childed of any kind.

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Zzelda
Now, you might have a person who marries someone with *adult* children. Is this a "step parent"? Well, it wouldn't be doing any hands on parenting but of course there may be (probably will be) some kind of impact to the CF person's life.

I like older men and yet I am still on guard re- adult children. Sure I wouldn't have to "parent" a 25 year old kid - but - what if that 'kid' HAS kids?

You can bet there will be eyes looking at you to babysit, wanting money, planning the sappy Famblee Parties - these are the things I fear.

Now you could probably say to this person - I do not want to be involved with little children in any way shape or form. But, this is going to make you look like an asshole and will cause friction.

I would think moreso for the female CF; A woman is expected to be "motherly" and "famblee oriented". And that goes for grand children or step grand children too. Grandpa can show face and then go sit on the back porch and drink beer with the guys - he can opt out of most of it and won't be questioned - but GrandMa or even Step GrandMa - yeah - she will come off as a "selfish cold asshole" for doing the same. And GrandPa will probably agree with that too, even if *he* has little interest in the grand kids.

Even if they don't have kids, they're likely to boomerang home in this economy if there's a job loss, etc. Even if the spouse who is childed is a PNB who sets reasonable limits, it's still tough to lose privacy, etc. And some feel so guilty, they won't set any reasonable limits, even if the boomeranged adult kid is being a slob and not doing anything around the house to help out with house work.

The expectations on the step-mom/step-grand-mom remind of the recent discussion here re: a City Data thread where the step grandmother was being pressured to spend more time with the stepson's kids, even though the step-daughter in law had some serious issues going on. Not only was there pressure from her famblee, there's was pressure from the posters. And she's childed with 2 bio kids I can just imagine how much more judgmental they'd be of a CF woman.

I do consider the choice to have kyds as the biggest decision one can make. If a guy has kyds whether they are adult or even if they are no longer living, he is still a D-a-d. That turns me off totally and completely, so even if the guy is wonderful and we have everything else in common, those things are minor compared to the choice to be a parunt. I would need to have that in common in order to comfortably bond with the person.

CHILDFREE MEANS CHILDFREE.

Simple as that. eyes2

To me, being childfree means a life without the burden of having to raise kyds, even kyds that don't share your DNA. I think that a step-parent would not really qualify as CF, because they are still responsible for raising someone else's brat.
There are a lot of gray areas when it comes to parenting and childfrreedom, but if a person is caring for a brat in any way shape or form, or they are burdened financially, emotionally or physically by a brat, they cannot truly call themselves childfree.
I am childfree, and wouldn't dream of raising someone else's mistake.

How about about the possibility of illegitimate kids re-appearing? Mr. Hannigan has a relative who sired a child while serving overseas...the guy supposedly signed away all his rights and fled from the moo and the kid, but who's to say the little bastard (literally) won't show up on his doorstep, say, 12 years from now, looking for daddy?

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

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Miss_Hannigan
How about about the possibility of illegitimate kids re-appearing? Mr. Hannigan has a relative who sired a child while serving overseas...the guy supposedly signed away all his rights and fled from the moo and the kid, but who's to say the little bastard (literally) won't show up on his doorstep, say, 12 years from now, looking for daddy?

Miss Hannigan, that's the stuff of nightmares! :hs

I'm also hearing talk that women are somehow gaining the ability to track down sperm donors when they go to a sperm bank in order to get a loaf in the oven. Track them down, I'm sure, for child support and/or so they can play the role of Duh in the kid's life because Moo realizes she can't do it alone. From what I know, and I could be wrong, a guy can get some money for a splooge deposit much like how he can get money for a plasma donation, and I knew quite a few folks in college who gave plasma at the Red Cross for grocery money.

I know these records are meant to be kept private (except maybe for health reasons), but more and more, it seems privacy can be violated for the sake of the almighty baybee..

As mentioned, even the person being an empty nester doesn't guarantee a kid-free home because their grown children will likely leave the grand-shits off. Or worse, the kids AND grand-shits are all still living at home with Meemaw and Peepaw because working stifles all their senses of creativity.

If you want to have a one-night stand or a fling or affair or what-not with a parent, then that's fine. But becoming more attached than that will almost certainly lead to major disaster.

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Snark Shark
and that's why sperm donation has dropped off MASSIVLEY, at least in the UK, where the laws changed a few years ago.

Good. All this manipulation to unnaturally breed is wrong anyway.
Give blood, not jizz.

I was a step-moo from 1993-2005. At that time I did NOT consider myself childfree, although I seriously wished I had made a different choice in the matter of becoming a step-moo. I lurked on childfree sites at that time, but never posted on them because I didn't belong. Childfree means NOT having a hand in the raising of or caring for a child, IMHO.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

I am voting NO, you are not CF. CF means unencumbered by kids...yours or anyone else's.

Adult kids are moving home as jobs become more scarce, divorces happen, etc. And they are also having kids which they are so sure Gramps will be thrilled with caring for while they try to live a life that is more on par with being CF. When you have kids, you are not allowed to be "selfish" (and I don't mean selfish in a bad way...it is a word that has such a bad rap.)

I avoid dads like the plague, and no amount of "they're out of the house/I never see them/I only have them once a month/they live with mom" will change that.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

Hi all, I see that I should have posted my question here! Great discussion. Please keep it running and I'll track and at the end of month sum what pple said! ~Laura http://laviechildfree.com

I think the moment I fell in love with the honey was when we were still just at a casual friendship stage, although I was starting to be madly attracted to him, and he mentioned something about "flies in the soup" when some noisy baby started crying. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He said it was his term for when noisy kids are around, interrupting an otherwise peaceful dinner in a restaurant - or anywhere, really.

Last night we went out for dinner and a couple with two annoying screaming tired brat babies (thank gods they were just leaving) were just paying their bill at the table next to us. My honey said, "Goodbye flies in the soup" and smiled a knowing smile at me. 13 years after we got together, he still makes my heart pound at how sweetly, quietly, and covertly (yet adamantly) childfree he is.

I DEARLY wish he had about a hundred childfree brothers for all you single ladies on the forum!

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loavesstillsuck
I DEARLY wish he had about a hundred childfree brothers for all you single ladies on the forum!

For all the CF chicas here who have CF men, yes there's a bit of healthy jealousy, BUT I refuse to dwell (that's the job of breeders and why they entertain us so ). Anyway, it's the thought that counts. hankyou