The Fambly Values State

You cannot make this shit up.

I received an email notification from the library saying the book I put on hold came in (great): "All Joy and No Fun" by Jennifer Senior. So I drive over and pick it up, and traffic is slightly heavy (it's around rush hour).

What am I stuck behind?

A fucking Moo van with no stick figure fambly stickers on the rear window; instead, they have beach sandal fambly stickers (only in Florida): two adult pairs, four little pairs.

That's not all.

Their fucking license plate has a vanity motto at the top: Family Values, and to top that off, their license plate reads "LETZ TLK."

If that isn't fucking pompous I don't know what is.

I hate Florida.

Well I'm looking forward to reading the book, anyways.

"LETZ TLK" about what? What that really means is let me chew your ear off and bore you to death while I babble on and on and on about my amazing screech monkeys. Yeah, I'll pass on that "conversation," moo.

"LETZ TLK", huh?

Okay, then!

Why are you such a cunt to everyone based on an arbitrary definition of what constitutes being "mean" to you and your kids?

How DO you define "mean", or does it change based on your whims?

Why do you call it "Mama Bear", when at best, you resemble an over-sized jelly fish?

Why the fuck can you not quiet your fucking brat?

How do you have a smartphone? Aren't you a SAHMoo?

Do the terms "budget" and "rainy day fund" mean nothing to you?

You know that all that junk food is just going to make those brats bounce off the walls, right?

Why can't you just accept the fact that not everyone wants to tie themselves to a brat for a minimum 18 years?

How can you be pregnant? Aren't you thousands of dollars in debt?

Do you know your kids are playing on someone's Corvette? I don't think they're gonna be happy about that...

I found this little brat crawling under the stall doors in the women's bathroom, does it belong to you?

Seriously, if you have a banana on you, I can teach you how a condom works. There's really nothing to it.

Did you know that the veins and stretchmarks on your tits kinda look like a Denver road map?

You do know that taking pictures of naked kids and posting them on the internet is considered child pornography, right? You do? Then how the fuck do you explain your FaceBook?

Oh, and I also wanted to talk about just how much work you REALLY do around the house. I really think you're over-estimating your value and-hey, where you going? I thought you wanted to talk?

"LETZ TLK" about birth control, abortion, adoption, and swallowing.