MIL about-faces on the CF issue

My MIL and I have enjoyed a pretty good relationship and she's never really bingoed me, plus she's stood up to my SIL-to-be over her wedding and impending loaf shitting shenanigans.

However, OH has a conversation with her tonight and she's clearly done an about-face on acceptance of our (yes our) decision not to sprog.

She told him she figures he's "just going along with what yummy wants" and said he should think carefully for himself before committing himself to a life without kids. She also made comments about my recent health problems and said to OH he should be careful that I don't end up leeching off him, pretty much. FFS our whole relationship I've been the higher earner, I supported us both when he was out of work for3 months and I paid off some of his debt so we could start saving for a new place. Christ alive if that's leeching....I am only.working part time at the moment as it's all I can manage and it's taking a lot out of me even to do that.

OH did reiterate that it was a joint decision not to have kids (in fact, we were both leaning towards being CF since we met) but she thinks it's all because modern women don't want the hard work, ruin their bodies etc, and it's all me dictating the agenda. She seems unable to accept the idea that, independently of me, my OH is CF.

I'm fucking pissed - I thought my MIL and I had a good relationship, I think she's been infected by grandbrat rabies since SIL is going to sluice in 6 weeks time. Also, OH is her favourite and,she openly admits it - her baby, the youngest etc. She would prefer him to be having kids than OH's older brother, as she is even less close to him than she is to OH, and finds both him and SIL hard to get on with.

Well I'm afraid she is just going to have to accept that her beloved favourite boy doesn't want crotch droppings She can blame me ifshe likes, ain't gonna change a damn thing.

Heh.. reminds me of my situating a bit. My mother believed it was my dh who didn't want kids and was talking me into it...and HIS mother believed it was me being 'mean and unreasonable' LOL It was a mutual decision made at age 30 when we had been married a while and were old enough to know our own minds. We were on the fence for the first 7 years of our marriage but mostly leaning toward CF. Mothers need to butt the hell out.

Starlady, we got together age 27. We're now 32. Our decision to stay CF was made around age 30, too.

I remember we talked about it and how we were both not keen on kids but figured we'd make a final decision when we were early 30s. I knew the drudgery of parenting from my ex, and was,already well aware of the restrictions on your life that come with brats.

OH, before he met me, didn't really think he'd have a choice. He figured he'd meet a woman, she'd want brats, and he'd just go along with it. I think a lot of men do think that way.

Ugh. What a shitty thing to say, insinuating that you're "leeching" off your husband. I'm sorry. Hopefully your relationship is strong enough that her pressure will not affect his mindset or your marriage. As long as you two are on the same page, that's all that matters.

Parents should stay thee FUCK out of their kids' relationships. To quote Dr. Phil, "Nothing good ever came from a meddling bitch." Okay, so that's not a direct quote but you get the point. smile

(If she's already got a grandshit on the way, why is she so desperate for another?)

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She also made comments about my recent health problems and said to OH he should be careful that I don't end up leeching off him,

Kid issue aside, that's just way out of line. I bet she wouldn't call you a leech if you were staying home with a larva. And that's a choice--it's not as if you can help having health problems.

IMO there's no sense in engaging her. I would be really cool to her at this point and I would keep everything superficial. As long as you know your husband is on your side you don't have anything to worry about and she doesn't sound like she's worth a moment of your time.

Sounds like grandbaby-rabies has turned her into a selfish, uncaring bitch.

It is terrible that a person can go through a personality change over that. How thoughtless of others can someone be to think you are a "leach" for being sick? That's as low as it goes.

I would definitely limit contact with her.

It really sucks when you thought you had supportive family, and they turn out to be breeders after all. Do yourself a huge favor and start distancing yourself from them right now, and sever all ties if possible. If OH wants to have a relationship with people who share his DNA, he can visit without you.

That was me until the golden cow got sperm poisoned, then it was non stop babby talk. I distanced myself, and moo said since I didn't want to hear babby talk, she would stop. That didn't last long, and when golden cow demanded I be a on call free nanny and meat based ATM, moo sided with the golden cow as always. I also think one of the reasons for the babby rabies is she's being bullied by the rest of the geriatric cows because of her lack of grandshits.

I haven't severed all ties yet because it would upset my grandmother, and she's the only person who supports my CFdom. She wishes CFdom was an option for her, but back then it was motherhood or the convent.

Sprogs seem to turn everyone into rude, nasty, entitled, psychos.

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yummynotmummy
Starlady, we got together age 27. We're now 32. Our decision to stay CF was made around age 30, too.

I remember we talked about it and how we were both not keen on kids but figured we'd make a final decision when we were early 30s. I knew the drudgery of parenting from my ex, and was,already well aware of the restrictions on your life that come with brats.

OH, before he met me, didn't really think he'd have a choice. He figured he'd meet a woman, she'd want brats, and he'd just go along with it. I think a lot of men do think that way.

I think my dh would have been the same way too. He thought that having sprogs would be the next step after we got married. He said 'it's okay with me .. whatever you want' Well, that told me he was really CF... and then after spending a week down at my BIL's house with his spoiled rotton 2 year old... that sealed the deal for us.

Now my dh proudly say's he's CF and shows people picturs of our poodles. LOL

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yummynotmummy
Well I'm afraid she is just going to have to accept that her beloved favourite boy doesn't want crotch droppings She can blame me ifshe likes, ain't gonna change a damn thing.

Totally on your OH to shut that shit down, without JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain)

I've learned from hanging out on a few in-law relationship boards that the short, non-arguable response is best:

"That's a decision that Yum and I have made, it's not open for discussion or debate."

If MIL tries to continue the discussion, argue or shut her son down with the "I'm your MOTHER, you can't talk to me that way!" line, get up and leave, saying "I'll talk to you when you learn not to bring this subject up again."

One thing that young adults find hard to realize, and most parents never do, is that kids grow up, become adults, and should consider themselves peers of their parents - equals in life decisions and mutual respect for those decisions. Unfortunately, most parents never lose the urge to think they know best or that they have some say in the major life decisions of their offspring.

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yummynotmummy
She also made comments about my recent health problems and said to OH he should be careful that I don't end up leeching off him, pretty much. FFS our whole relationship I've been the higher earner, I supported us both when he was out of work for3 months and I paid off some of his debt so we could start saving for a new place. Christ alive if that's leeching....I am only.working part time at the moment as it's all I can manage and it's taking a lot out of me even to do that.

Really? So she has always worked and pulled 100% of her weight? And, in the future, she will never be dependent in any way on her husband or kids?

Spouting that kind of crap is a damned good way to invite bad karma on one's self. You needn't feel defensive or argumentative. Again, you and her son are her peers now. She doesn't get a say in how you manage the balance of responsibilities in your life.

Yuck! I am so glad my family supported me being CF. My MIL once told my husband, and not me, that she wished he had a child but not to tell me this.

Really, people need to only worry about their own reproductive lives. Thinking about the sex lives and possible spawning of their own kids or in-laws is gross.

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hana
It really sucks when you thought you had supportive family, and they turn out to be breeders after all. Do yourself a huge favor and start distancing yourself from them right now, and sever all ties if possible. If OH wants to have a relationship with people who share his DNA, he can visit without you.

That was me until the golden cow got sperm poisoned, then it was non stop babby talk. I distanced myself, and moo said since I didn't want to hear babby talk, she would stop. That didn't last long, and when golden cow demanded I be a on call free nanny and meat based ATM, moo sided with the golden cow as always. I also think one of the reasons for the babby rabies is she's being bullied by the rest of the geriatric cows because of her lack of grandshits.

I haven't severed all ties yet because it would upset my grandmother, and she's the only person who supports my CFdom. She wishes CFdom was an option for her, but back then it was motherhood or the convent.

Sprogs seem to turn everyone into rude, nasty, entitled, psychos.

My relatives are supportive of me. I don't associate with them that much but my Mom does and I'm sure she talks about me. In fact - recently she mentioned something about being out with - Aunt? And some Old Friend of theirs and my Mom was talking about my Car. Yeah, now I have other people yakking about cars, I corrupted them. It's the Grand Car LOL

My Mom mentioned this convo to me because this Old Friend - who isn't that old really but kind of acts like a Little Old Lady, and is kind of a Hypochondriac, and AFAIK is presently driving some kind of Boat like a Lincoln Town Car Barnaby Jones Mobile ~
Anyway, Old Friend responded that she always wanted a car like mine. Which is a teeny tiny sports car. Ha, go figure. She should get one then!

Well, evidently Mom, Auntie, and Old Friends did have a discussion about Grand Car, Ha.

About Grandmas ~

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I haven't severed all ties yet because it would upset my grandmother, and she's the only person who supports my CFdom. She wishes CFdom was an option for her, but back then it was motherhood or the convent.

This is kind of sad, and in my case my Grand Mothers did have options. Some people were more privileged and lucky, maybe? Depends upon the place and the time, circumstances ~

My one Gram went to school in Cairo, she passed away when I was young. Her and her siblings all had education, somebody went to school with Omar Sharif, yes all the girls were crazy about him, lulz. I have old pix, these people are the same as any 'Western' person, from what I know they went on to have just 'regular jobs', nothing spectacular, biz and admin jobs, but still - for that time - that was something. They married educated men, sim people to them, and I suppose were 'middle class'.

My other Gram I know less of even though I spent much more time with her. She was a Crusty Old Broad! HA. She had enough education, spoke multiple languages, and I think 'came from' somewhere like the wilderness of Kazakhstan. Who knows? I know she lived in Israel, London, and Prague and had her own shops. She ran various things in the US also. She met my GFather in Chicago. He had money. They moved to 'The Country' (at the time) - Michigan. She had shops there too. I think the guy thought he was going to be some kind of a farmer. Green Acres is the place to be!!! He had some kind of Biz or Eng job though. So this 'homesteading' or 'country living' work was left up to Nana. And she did it and had her various shops too, and sometimes also worked admin jobs.

And obviously - these women *had kids* on top of it! Not many though. Of all the various relatives I know about - it was either 2, 3 kids or no kids. There were plenty who were CF long before me.

I guess I got pretty lucky with the people I landed among. They were all very hard working and stressed education too. Kids or no kids. Because of that they didn't 'hype' kids and Famblee Living etc. Sure they made a bit of a hype and would gossip about it - but that quickly turned to monetary fretting, where they lived, whether or not the guy was a deadbeat, yadda.

They didn't cram it down your throat - if anything they discouraged breeding and would get to hand wringing over it pretty quick.

I can say - NOBODY even leaned on me to marry and breed, did not brow beat, did not give me any stinkeye, negative comments, bingoes, - nothing really. Sure a little 'teasing' here when some relatives of my age group got married and shat sprogs - but nothing really much.

I was encouraged towards education, I have a great deal, and some of it is in The Sciences. This is something to point to for 'them' - that's an advancement - of 'us' in general I suppose. I'm not sure if I wanna describe them as 'status conscious' - maybe - but more learning doesn't necessarily lead to higher status, nor would I say they were / are 'social climbers' - because IMO those types are more of the BS Artists and Ass Kissers. Just very PRO education I guess.

My one Cousin's boy recently got into the one Best Swanky Tech U on the US West Coast - a Doctoral program in something like Theoretical Physics or Some Kinda Far Out Math - I'm not entirely sure. Everyone is VERY proud! wink

This goes for Us Women also. I'm no hot shot but I'm no slouch either! Same with all Us Related Femmes, even the ones who had kids - they all have some education and they all WORK too! Those Ladies and Gentlemen before us, as well.

I was born into a somewhat privileged position. I am lucky. I do not envy other people in attempt to try to live some Keeping Up With The Joneses Life Script. I have traveled the world too and in comparison to most of it, people who have literally nothing - I am living like a Queen!

I know in many ways I kind of 'got lucky'. Everybody did work, me too, hard, I'm not Paris Hilton here LOL. But neither was I born in a slum with no hope of going anywhere or even having a somewhat better life. And my relatives did have opportunities and the means to pursue them too. And were / are relatively open minded people.

Luck was on my side, circumstance wise.

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hana
It really sucks when you thought you had supportive family, and they turn out to be breeders after all. Do yourself a huge favor and start distancing yourself from them right now, and sever all ties if possible. If OH wants to have a relationship with people who share his DNA, he can visit without you.

That was me until the golden cow got sperm poisoned, then it was non stop babby talk. I distanced myself, and moo said since I didn't want to hear babby talk, she would stop. That didn't last long, and when golden cow demanded I be a on call free nanny and meat based ATM, moo sided with the golden cow as always. I also think one of the reasons for the babby rabies is she's being bullied by the rest of the geriatric cows because of her lack of grandshits.

I haven't severed all ties yet because it would upset my grandmother, and she's the only person who supports my CFdom. She wishes CFdom was an option for her, but back then it was motherhood or the convent.

Sprogs seem to turn everyone into rude, nasty, entitled, psychos.

I remember you talking about the issues with your sister. If anyone knows how to leech in this world, it's breeders. I don't blame you for one second for distancing yourself from that mess.

MIL knows that I like to craft, knit, crochet etc, especially more so since I've been ill because I can't go out on my bike and do my outdoor stuff so much. So she asks OH what am I making for the new baby?! Well, nothing right now, because I have projects on the go for non-entitled people, as it happens. What the fuck is it with breeders and grandbreeders thinking that everybody has to centre their lives around brats in some way?

FIL is ok, thankfully - he doesn't really care either way, he's not even going to see the new grandbrat until 3 months after it hatches, because he got a tax return, paid off his mortgage and has decided to go travelling at the start of next year in North Africa. He's an old hippy, I know full well he's going for the hashish, haha. The breeders were outraged, but FIL figures at that age the kid wouldn't remember him anyway. So at least one half of my inlaws are sane. MIL always seemed reasonably accepting, but I've had bingoes from her partner before, so I suppose there were always signs.

I kinda feel sorry for OHs brother in a way, I hope she hasn't let on at all that her preference would have been for her younger son to have the grandkids. At least with us being CF nobody will have to worry about her favouring one set of grandkids over another like my bitch of a grandma did.

Never trust a breeder. If I had a dollar every time someone on a childfree list or forum said that some breeder she thought "understood" her later flipped on her, I would be rich. I don't even trust my own mother to be honest. There are different levels of trust. I trust her not to slit my throat while I'm sleeping. I do not trust her to be able to understand my choices. I don't think they have the brainpower to do that.

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"I have found little that is 'good' about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all."
~Sigmund Freud