10 Excuses For Kids' Poor Holiday Behavior :rolleyes2

Scarymommy.com provides so much to snark...
http://www.scarymommy.com/excuses-for-kids-poor-holiday-behavior

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1. I’m so sorry Billy’s gnawing on your cat’s tail. He’s been going through a huge growth spurt lately. It makes him extra hungry.

2. I can’t for the life of me determine what’s driven Susie to flash her vulva at Great Grandma Myrtle. She’s recently discovered girls have vaginas and boys have penises. It’s probably just a show of solidarity.

3. I’m so embarrassed that you caught Johnny licking and then putting back all the Deviled Eggs one by one. We’ve been emphasizing the importance of considering one’s options before jumping to a final decision about something. It seems he’s misunderstood the lesson.

4. My apologies that Peggy tried to force your son to eat her boogers. We’ve really been driving home the need to share with others lately.

5. I’m certain Timmy didn’t mean to urinate on the cupcakes. It’s just that his dad has been helping him practice peeing in public urinals, and, well, aiming for the cakes in there has sort of been a priority.

6. I have no idea what might be motivating Betty to tear about the room, biting people’s butts. I think the babysitter’s been allowing her to watch a lot of Animal Planet recently. I know somebody who’s getting a stern talking to, amirite?!

7. No, we don’t allow profanity in our home. I’m pretty sure Bobby picked up “NOW WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT THOSE FUCKING KEYS?!” from the kids at daycare. They’ve got some serious monsters attending that place.

8. I swear Sally’s never drawn on the dining room walls with lipstick before. Her teacher thinks we’ve got a real Monet on our hands and has been encouraging all kinds of artistic expression. Educators, huh?

9. I’m just as shocked as you are that Tommy wrapped up a fart and gave it to your daughter as a present. It’s not like we’ve ever joked about doing something like that at home. Not even once.

10. I don’t know what’s gotten into my kids to make them behave like a shrieking band of banshees. Must be all that sugar my mother-in-law keeps feeding them behind my back. That’s definitely it. Sugar. And mother-in-laws. Bad combination.

Keep your chomping hell spawn away from pets' and people's butts! In both your imagination and reality! :eatu

Why I don't allow anyone under 12 in my house!!!

For Thanksgiving, it will be just me and my wife at home and no visitors. We're going bake a glazed ham and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

We're going to our favorite asian/american/italian (yep all three) buffet. Just hope we get seated in the corner away from brats. We had to get up and move once because someone sat a couple bratts at the next table... when half the place was empty. We told them why we moved too. I'm not shy about that.

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Scary Moomy
11. I refuse to supervise my shitty little brats or teach them appropriate manners, and as far as I'm concerned, it's just dandy that everyone else has to deal with the consequences. Breeders, huh? LOLZ!

:gun1

This is what pisses me off about breeders. They always act like 'kyds will be kyds' and "they're just chillldrruunn!!!111!"

Meanwhile, they're spawning a generation of assholes who will NOT know how to behave properly in society. If I behaved at all like any of the above examples, my moo would have killed me. There would have been no 'lol' or explaining away the BS. My life would have been over.

I hate breeders with the power of a thousand fiery suns!

Oh the joys of being around chyldrun. I love the lady in the comments who is telling people not to apologize when their kids misbehave. Not that that shocks me at all. "Oh silly Bratly/lina is just tired and cranky and a million other preplanned excuses don't ask me to deal with him because I won't. I didn't spend all that time planning excuses for nothing."

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If I behaved at all like any of the above examples, my moo would have killed me. There would have been no 'lol' or explaining away the BS. My life would have been over.

I can remember my dad throwing a god-awful fit when I once played an Atari game with the kid in the home we were visiting, as in his mind I should have sat nicely and quietly to 'visit' and 'not messed with other people's things.' The examples here are mind-boggling to me.

Sounds like the exact same poor behavior, just with more extended family around to stare in stunned silence as Junior gets away with acting like a howler monkey on crack.

The youngest person attending our Thanksgiving is 27 (Lurking moms, I believe she's around 327 months). There will be no such bullshit to deal with...just friends enjoying excellent food, company, and decidedly adult conversation topics. Afterwards, there just may be a game of Cards Against Humanity, because there's no little ears around to overhear us laughing our asses off about horrible topics.

I wonder if these would be as cutesy-patootsy if someone else's brat did them to this Moo's bastards, especially if said brat is a tard.

"I don't know where Tardley learned to grab a girl by the head and force his penis in her mouth. Must be something he learned at daycare, lol!"

"I'm terribly sorry that Bastardlina took your son's toy and beat him into a concussion with it. Boy those karate classes must be paying off, amirite?"

"I'm pretty sure Tardson didn't mean to bite your daughter's hands until they bled and then shove her down the stairs. He's done that to us too, but I think it's really just a form of creative expression. Teehee!"

"No idea why Bratleigheeee pooped in his hands and rubbed it in your daughter's hair and on her clothes. I guess he's just trying to say he likes chocolate frosting and wanted to share his frosting with everyone. Lulzies!"

Electricfire’s top ten consequences for said bad behaviour.

1. So sorry to hear about Billy. Lucky the chimpanzee doesn’t like it when people try to bite him. But if Billy’s fortunate enough, all he’ll end up with are scars. Lolz.
2. I’m sorry to hear that Susie won’t be coming for Christmas this year. I guess that beating Grandma Myrtle gave her after Susie flashed her vulva at her really traumatized the poor little snowflake. Ah, but you know Granny, she’s old-fashioned when it comes to discipline. You know, use the belt, and beat the child and all that.
3. So how’s Johnny? Is he out of the hospital yet? Aunt Mary didn’t really appreciate it when she caught him licking and putting back all the deviled eggs, so she replaced them with Tide pods. But you can’t get mad at the poor woman. How was she to know Johnny was stupid enough to confuse laundry detergent for food?
4. My apologies that cousin Joshua beat Peggy into a coma. You see, he’s autistic and doesn’t like it when people try to touch him, let alone force him to eat their bodily secretions. Try to be considerate of his feelings too.
5. I’m certain Uncle Dan didn’t mean to shove Timmy’s face into those cupcakes he was caught peeing on. You know Uncle Dan; he’s a firm believer in tough love.
6. I know Betty’s dental bills are sky high. But you really should have taught the little monster that biting people’s butts is not nice. Otherwise, cousin Charlotte wouldn’t have reacted the way she did, and your daughter would still have all her teeth.
7. I know exactly where Bobby picked up all those naughty words. Oh well, maybe the taste of soap will clean up his mouth.
8. Yes, I am making Sally scrub all those lipstick scribblings off the dining room table with a toothbrush and soap. Got a problem with that? Then discipline your brat!
9. I’m just as shocked as you are that little Tiffany didn’t appreciate Tommy’s gift of a fart, and called him a filthy pig. Yes, I know he cried for hours. But let’s be honest, he’s a filthy pig, and lacks basic etiquette.
10. I know why your kids are behaving like baboons on crystal meth, and it’s got nothing to do with your mother-in-law and has everything to do with your shitty parenting.




Beat that, Scary Moo!