A Letter to My Friends About Why I Can’t Attend a “No Children†Event
Posted by paragon schnitzophonic
http://www.mothering.com/articles/letter-friends-cant-attend-children-event/
Hoo, boy. Where's Kidless Kim to eviscerate this line by line like she does?
1.) These events are not backyard BBQs or holiday parties or birthday parties. These are once-in-a-lifetime, rite-of-passage events you've been invited to. If you weren't a mere polite invite (e.g., "Well, she invited me to her wedding..." or "I invited X and Y who are in Z's social circle and if Z finds out she wasn't invited, she'll get upset, so I guess we should invite her, too..."), then somebody genuinely wanted your ass there. Make a fucking effort. You're not choosing anybody over your children or vice versa.
2.) Where is your husband in all of this?
3.) Why are you not training your child in ridding his separation anxiety? Constantly giving into it is not going to help anybody.
4.) You keep saying that you're not making it all about you, except you totally are.
5.) Funny how you're unable to plan and adjust to attend important events in your friend's life because it doesn't involve your children. But as soon as this nameless friend breeds, then suddenly you're available at all hours of the day and night. So none of your female friends are important until they breed, good to know.
6.) Nice assumption to make that her husband is going to be the same useless lump like yours.
I'm glad that there are some mothers in the comments that have some sense. But this solnyshkele trick is something else. Bringing her children to events that were explicitly stated to be "adults only" on the bet that nobody was going to say anything to her and just put up with it is a dick move. And her comments clearly reveal her to be a Teabagger racist worried about the liberals and the brown people taking over (her correlation that childfree weddings = ISIS taking over the West is...special).
And people whining about babysitters and such costing money. So it's unreasonable to expect parents to spend money on a babysitter to attend an adults-only event, but completely fine to expect that people pay for all the children to attend events? Each head costs money, it doesn't matter how old that head is.
Those were also the days where children were regularly spanked and disciplined, where parents took responsibility for their kids and didn't just make excuses or get belligerent, and even back in those days, kids were sent to bed while the adults had adult fun. Note the sour grapes "stuffy party" right before she says that she doesn't get invited. Yeah, no shit.
He brings up a good point: We're not all going through these rites of passage at the same pace, so for those of us behind, why should we bear the extra expense of your children when you didn't have to do the same? You had the children, you pay the money to keep them at home to respect the wishes of your friends instead of forcing your friends to bear the cost.
One response:
The entire comment is problematic, but I want to highlight the first part. First of all, that still costs money! Money that John shouldn't have to spend for people he doesn't want there in the first place. Second of all, I can only imagine the outrage from the entitled parents that demanded their bratlings to be at the event in the first place to find out that they're not getting the same food as the adults.
You know, if it's such a problem to have childfree events, then the parents are to pay for each child they bring. I don't want them there; I will not pay for them being there. The bill will be in the mail and payment is to be received before the event, otherwise your invitation is rescinded and you will be removed from the premises.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock
"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin
"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.
"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment
"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion
Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
Quote
Dear Friend,
When I received the invitation to your baby shower, your wedding, your engagement celebration, your birthday, my heart swelled with love for you. It swelled with excitement, with yearning to go. With wanting to be there for you. Then it cracked into a thousand pieces and fell to the floor when I learned that my children couldn’t come.
I wanted to write you a letter to explain why. But I didn’t, because that would make your event about me and my family when it’s supposed to be about yours.
So I sent you my regrets and my love. My congratulations, and my sadness that I couldn’t be there for you the way I wanted to be. And I talked about how excited I was for you. And I truly was. I danced away from giving reasons because I didn’t want you to feel bad, but I didn’t want to give a reason that seemed foolishly small. I tried to let you know that I loved you, that I wanted to be there. But that I couldn’t.
Then I cried.
I wanted to tell you that I was so sorry. That I tried to come up with a way that it would work. That I tried to find a babysitter that I trusted near where you were so that I could duck out to nurse the child that wouldn’t take a bottle yet. That I tried to figure out if we could afford a hotel room nearby where my toddler with separation anxiety could play with dad while I celebrated with you. I wanted to tell you all these things so that you would understand that I wanted to be there. But that would make it about my plans when it was supposed to be about yours.
I wanted to be there.
I couldn’t make it work.
I wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry that I’m not able to be that kind of friend for you right now. That I’m sorry that I’m putting my children ahead of our friendship. That it’s for a short time only, just these few years. That I’m so happy for you, and that I wish that your happiness had come first before my own, so that I could have been there with you the way that I want to be.
But I bit my lip and sent you my regrets and love and hoped that you would understand the unspoken.
I’m not that kind of friend right now. I’m a different kind of friend, now. I’ll be there for you in all the ways that I can.
I’ll be there to chat at 1AM when you’re a new mama and scared. I’ll figure out how to come to see you when you’re having a hard time getting your baby to latch on, and I’ll show you everything that I know. I’ll help you move your things to boxes and load them into the van while my children run and play and my baby naps in a sling against my chest. I’ll be there for you if you and your husband are fighting. I’ll come to the ultrasound that your husband can’t make it to, and I’ll hold your hand if something’s up and you are scared. I’ll tell you that the choices you make as a mama are excellent ones, even if they’re different from my own. I’ll come and watch your kids for you so that you can take a shower.
I’m that kind of friend now.
My love for you hasn’t changed. My life has. Just for now.
I hope you know that, and I hope you understand.– Me.
Hoo, boy. Where's Kidless Kim to eviscerate this line by line like she does?
1.) These events are not backyard BBQs or holiday parties or birthday parties. These are once-in-a-lifetime, rite-of-passage events you've been invited to. If you weren't a mere polite invite (e.g., "Well, she invited me to her wedding..." or "I invited X and Y who are in Z's social circle and if Z finds out she wasn't invited, she'll get upset, so I guess we should invite her, too..."), then somebody genuinely wanted your ass there. Make a fucking effort. You're not choosing anybody over your children or vice versa.
2.) Where is your husband in all of this?
3.) Why are you not training your child in ridding his separation anxiety? Constantly giving into it is not going to help anybody.
4.) You keep saying that you're not making it all about you, except you totally are.
5.) Funny how you're unable to plan and adjust to attend important events in your friend's life because it doesn't involve your children. But as soon as this nameless friend breeds, then suddenly you're available at all hours of the day and night. So none of your female friends are important until they breed, good to know.
6.) Nice assumption to make that her husband is going to be the same useless lump like yours.
I'm glad that there are some mothers in the comments that have some sense. But this solnyshkele trick is something else. Bringing her children to events that were explicitly stated to be "adults only" on the bet that nobody was going to say anything to her and just put up with it is a dick move. And her comments clearly reveal her to be a Teabagger racist worried about the liberals and the brown people taking over (her correlation that childfree weddings = ISIS taking over the West is...special).
And people whining about babysitters and such costing money. So it's unreasonable to expect parents to spend money on a babysitter to attend an adults-only event, but completely fine to expect that people pay for all the children to attend events? Each head costs money, it doesn't matter how old that head is.
Quote
Some Sad Sack
While I would prefer to not take my kids where they are not welcome and in fact don’t have any friends who wouldn’t welcome my kids, I agree completely with your sentiment. It is very sad when weddings, vacations and all so focused on perfection and “adult fun†and no longer on families, but it is a reflection on the culture we’ve created. I find it amusing all of the comments about how people used to not worry about leaving thier kids and we need to go back to that. People didn’t worry about it because no one expected them to. All family and friends were welcome no matter how old. Kids slept in the bed and babies spent all day strapped on mom’s back. No one would have ever expected a breastfeeding mom to leave her baby. Gatherings and celebrations were full of noise and messes and fun. But things are different now. And kids don’t fit in that world. I live in a different world. If someone doesn’t want kids at thier celebration, no problem. I would much rather send my regrets and spend the day laughing and playing with my kids and my friends kids having fun, then sit through a stuffy party. Which is probably why I don’t get invited
Those were also the days where children were regularly spanked and disciplined, where parents took responsibility for their kids and didn't just make excuses or get belligerent, and even back in those days, kids were sent to bed while the adults had adult fun. Note the sour grapes "stuffy party" right before she says that she doesn't get invited. Yeah, no shit.
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One of the Voices of Reason
To the Moms:
That is perfectly okay. I feel bad that you need to leave your 3 kids at home for a night with a sitter, or send your regrets. I do feel sorry that I’m forcing you to choose between your family, and your future family.
However, its either invite you and your kids (and by extension the other 9 kids of the appropriate age so we don’t hurt MORE feelings), or I have an ENTIRE TABLE free to invite other adults who I would really love to have at my wedding.
We are planning a fairly intimate wedding, at a fairly small venue. That 12 kids under the age of 10 would mean that I would be unable to invite any of my co-workers, or college friends. Those 12 kids, by having a chair, would cost me and my lady a shade under a thousand dollars, for food I almost guarantee they would never eat. Instead they will be eating cheerios off the table cloth. 20% of my guests would be eating dry cereal and milk instead of the food that we spent weeks planning. By extension, the parents of those 12 kids (a total of 9 adults, plus another 5 grandparents) will be far too busy fussing over their kids to, actually pay much attention to us, the Groom and Bride throwing the wedding.
We see your kids 3 times a week, and I love them to death. They make us want to have one or two. But we also really love that rare one night a year out we get with YOU guys. You guys without kids are wonderful, and remind us why we started getting to become friends with you all those years ago.
It boils down to this. I’m so terribly sorry that we didn’t get married when we where 25, when you didn’t have kids. But please afford us the same level of courtesy that we extended you 10 years ago. Before you had kids.
This is exactly what is going on in my life right now. This is a combination of every conversation I have had with the 6 couples that have all said “But I cant leave ___ at home, why cant I bring them?
He brings up a good point: We're not all going through these rites of passage at the same pace, so for those of us behind, why should we bear the extra expense of your children when you didn't have to do the same? You had the children, you pay the money to keep them at home to respect the wishes of your friends instead of forcing your friends to bear the cost.
One response:
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Psycho Teabagger
John you have to be more creative. So don’t order meals for the kids. They never finish them anyway and it is usually a big waste of food as well as money. Maybe talk to the place where you intend to have the wedding and negotiate that they make mini sandwich square all on a tray with veggies that they nibble on and pick themselves and mini cupcakes for dessert. I’m sure you can find a solution that will make everyone happy.
It is really really sad to see what is happening in this “me†generation with more and more events where children are not welcome that 20-30 years ago would have been unheard of! I guarantee you that if you exclude your friend’s children bitter feelings will brew below the surface. Even if you didn’t have kids when you were 25 it doesn’t matter. That was then. This is now. And their lives are different now because they have their own children.
Something is just WRONG with our culture when one is forced to chose between our kids or our close friends.
The entire comment is problematic, but I want to highlight the first part. First of all, that still costs money! Money that John shouldn't have to spend for people he doesn't want there in the first place. Second of all, I can only imagine the outrage from the entitled parents that demanded their bratlings to be at the event in the first place to find out that they're not getting the same food as the adults.
You know, if it's such a problem to have childfree events, then the parents are to pay for each child they bring. I don't want them there; I will not pay for them being there. The bill will be in the mail and payment is to be received before the event, otherwise your invitation is rescinded and you will be removed from the premises.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Why children take so long to grow? They eat and drink like pig and give nothing back. Must find way to accelerate process..."
- Dr. Yi Suchong, Bioshock
"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children - but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born."
- Garrett Hardin
"I feel like there's a message involved here somehow, but then I couldn't stop laughing at all the plotholes, like the part when North Korea has food."
- Youtube commentor referring to a North Korean cartoon.
"Reality is a bitch when it slowly crawls out of your vagina and shits in your lap."
- Reddit comment
"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
- Cambion
Oh whatever. Abortion doctors are crimestoppers."
- Miss Hannigan
Dear Moooooozilla,
Good. Stay the fuck home. We don't want your whiny, sanctimonious ass here anyway.
-Sane people.
Good. Stay the fuck home. We don't want your whiny, sanctimonious ass here anyway.
-Sane people.Quote
blondie
Quote
barbur
“I’ll be there to chat at 1AM when you’re a new mama and scared. I’ll figure out how to come to see you when you’re having a hard time getting your baby to latch on, .
Every time I hear the phrase "latch on" it kind of sickens my stomach. Moos love to say that now, they used to just call it feeding but since moos are now insane and like to believe the loaf is still part of them they are very insistent that that poor baybee must LATCH, not just feed, LATCH - on - to ME, the Almighty MooTeat. La-la-la-LATCH to moo, forever and ever.
It would be so cool if baybees started rebelling and would only LATCH on to a bottle. Course then you might see a lot more "accidents" in buckets of water and such.
This. The phrase is disgusting and makes me think of a fugly loaf chomping down on a tit and shredding the poor, innocent nipple to pieces.
Also...maybe the friend doesn't WANT kyds! If she does, maybe she won't tit feed...and even if she did, who's to say she wants Moozilla fondling her boob? And Moo can't/won't get a sitter for her friend's important life event but will somehow magically be available at 1AM? :BS
Moos like this seem to have it in their heads that they are punishing the hosts by not attending their adults-only events. If you don't like the fact that you can't bring your shriekling to the wedding or party or luncheon or what-not, just say, "Thank you for the invitation, but I must decline." But nope, Moo has to make a show out of it and make the host/hostess look like the asshole for daring to not extend the invitation to the crotch-turds.
Breeders would do well to learn that children - including their flawless cherubs - do not belong everywhere. It's nothing personal against them or their spawn if an invitation does not include the brats. Sometimes, an adult wants to have an adult evening with other adults. Not everyone needs to be near their child at all times. If you refuse to stick your kid with a sitter for a few hours, then just shut up and don't attend. There's no reason for a fucking essay, and odds are, if Moo is taking this much time to write a novella on why she's so sad about her children not being welcome to one or two events, she's probably not someone you'd want at a party anyway.
Then, of course, you get the delightful Moos who bring the kids along anyway because obviously the "adults only" thing only applies to other people's kids. They know whoever is in charge won't be so mean as to boot the heifer and calf out, so they call the host's bluff.
Why would you want to even take a kid to a wedding or a nice dinner? They don't sit still, there may be nothing for them to eat, they'll be bored as fuck, they'll get cranky and start wailing, they'll stain the nice clothes you wrestle them into, and if the fucker gets lost, the event has to come to a standstill until said child is located. The Amber Alert goes out and the wedding reception is totally ruined. Moo screams at people who try to nibble on the food or dance rather than sob over the missing child. "How can you think about dancing at a time like THIS!?" A tipsy groomsman gets arrested when Moo tries to demand he go out and look for Junior instead of drinking and she gets shoved into a tray of filled champagne glasses. The bride and groom hide under a table so they can sneak some cake for themselves without being reprimanded by the rampaging heifer. Then, as 12:30am rolls around, it turns out the kid chugged some champagne when Moo wasn't looking and passed out in the broom closet. Cue Moo threatening to sue the newlyweds if her child gets sick. Then Moo has a butthurt when the husband and wife don't call to wish Junior a happy birthday or send a Christmas gift. She makes a 5000-word passive-aggressive Facebook post about it without naming anyone in particular.
I gotta quit telling these stories. It disturbs me that I think this much about imaginary scenarios.
Breeders would do well to learn that children - including their flawless cherubs - do not belong everywhere. It's nothing personal against them or their spawn if an invitation does not include the brats. Sometimes, an adult wants to have an adult evening with other adults. Not everyone needs to be near their child at all times. If you refuse to stick your kid with a sitter for a few hours, then just shut up and don't attend. There's no reason for a fucking essay, and odds are, if Moo is taking this much time to write a novella on why she's so sad about her children not being welcome to one or two events, she's probably not someone you'd want at a party anyway.
Then, of course, you get the delightful Moos who bring the kids along anyway because obviously the "adults only" thing only applies to other people's kids. They know whoever is in charge won't be so mean as to boot the heifer and calf out, so they call the host's bluff.
Why would you want to even take a kid to a wedding or a nice dinner? They don't sit still, there may be nothing for them to eat, they'll be bored as fuck, they'll get cranky and start wailing, they'll stain the nice clothes you wrestle them into, and if the fucker gets lost, the event has to come to a standstill until said child is located. The Amber Alert goes out and the wedding reception is totally ruined. Moo screams at people who try to nibble on the food or dance rather than sob over the missing child. "How can you think about dancing at a time like THIS!?" A tipsy groomsman gets arrested when Moo tries to demand he go out and look for Junior instead of drinking and she gets shoved into a tray of filled champagne glasses. The bride and groom hide under a table so they can sneak some cake for themselves without being reprimanded by the rampaging heifer. Then, as 12:30am rolls around, it turns out the kid chugged some champagne when Moo wasn't looking and passed out in the broom closet. Cue Moo threatening to sue the newlyweds if her child gets sick. Then Moo has a butthurt when the husband and wife don't call to wish Junior a happy birthday or send a Christmas gift. She makes a 5000-word passive-aggressive Facebook post about it without naming anyone in particular.
I gotta quit telling these stories. It disturbs me that I think this much about imaginary scenarios.
I like that strategy, catharsist. I shall file it away for future use.
Everyone's already ripped this idiot to shreds pretty much the way I would, so I won't even bother commenting much on how stupid she is to whine about how her life choices mean she doesn't have all social options open to her, blah blah whine moo, and how she will only be a helpful friend those who've popped out a kid. You CFers covered those bases pretty well already.
up
The topic was annoying and conceited. However, what made the writing even more unbearable for me was the breathless, tragic, over-the-top purple prose style.
Let's run down the checklist, shall we?
Attempts at parallel sentence structure that just come off as repetitive: check! Paragraph one alone had me reeling.
Overuse of single-sentence paragraphs: check! Good grief, woman. Leave the 'enter' key alone for a while before you break it!
Sentence fragments/abuse of choppy sentences that start with conjunctions: check! Check out this melodramatic mess: "So I sent you my regrets and my love. My congratulations, and my sadness that I couldn’t be there for you the way I wanted to be. And I talked about how excited I was for you. And I truly was."
Limited/repetitive sentence structure in general: check! Just about every sentence in that piece (of shit) starts with either "I" or a poorly-placed, unnecessary conjunction. She's very fond of "and", "that", and "but"...those seem to be her faves. However, I also found she likes starting her fragments with "so" sometimes.
I think this lady went to the same writing classes as our favorite "writer" over on The Island.
Everyone's already ripped this idiot to shreds pretty much the way I would, so I won't even bother commenting much on how stupid she is to whine about how her life choices mean she doesn't have all social options open to her, blah blah whine moo, and how she will only be a helpful friend those who've popped out a kid. You CFers covered those bases pretty well already.
upThe topic was annoying and conceited. However, what made the writing even more unbearable for me was the breathless, tragic, over-the-top purple prose style.
Let's run down the checklist, shall we?
Attempts at parallel sentence structure that just come off as repetitive: check! Paragraph one alone had me reeling.
Overuse of single-sentence paragraphs: check! Good grief, woman. Leave the 'enter' key alone for a while before you break it!
Sentence fragments/abuse of choppy sentences that start with conjunctions: check! Check out this melodramatic mess: "So I sent you my regrets and my love. My congratulations, and my sadness that I couldn’t be there for you the way I wanted to be. And I talked about how excited I was for you. And I truly was."
Limited/repetitive sentence structure in general: check! Just about every sentence in that piece (of shit) starts with either "I" or a poorly-placed, unnecessary conjunction. She's very fond of "and", "that", and "but"...those seem to be her faves. However, I also found she likes starting her fragments with "so" sometimes.
I think this lady went to the same writing classes as our favorite "writer" over on The Island.
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