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The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store
Posted by loavesstillsuck
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The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 25, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 423 |
Moo had a little shitling in a grocery cart and was zipping back and forth erratically through each section of the store. Dumb moo couldn't seem to organize her shopping list so she kept going back into each area several times to retrieve grocery items she had forgotten. This made it very hard to avoid Fart Child.
Fart Child was probably a girl, not a little baby but still toddlerish.
Fart Child kept loosing these HORRIFIC silent baby diarrhea farts in stupendously disgusting gaseous emissions; then Moo would zip away from the immediate area where her shit had landed a fart, as if to escape from the evidence.
We shoppers would collectively gasp, look around at each other (Only I seemed to know that it was all the work of Fart Child because Moo would have already left the area.) We try to avoid the stink trail as best we can, varying our route.
But then Moo comes BACK repeatedly to the area and Fart Child lays down an even deeper and more insidious stink trail.
This grocery store is huge and I swear to fucking god it was all one huge baby diarrhea fart zone the whole time I was there.
I was telling my SO about this later and he agreed it was terrible but asked if I was SURE it had been the child and not an old person or something and I said, "Unfortunately, I have categorized the distinct living-on-baby-food-and-having-liquid-shits smell of babies, and this was the smell."
Let alone dealing with the incessant noise and blather from a child, how the FUCK could you handle dealing with that level of FART every day? It was farting CONSTANTLY.
Even my most elderly, least continent cat does better than that on its WORST day.
*end of rant*
Fart Child was probably a girl, not a little baby but still toddlerish.
Fart Child kept loosing these HORRIFIC silent baby diarrhea farts in stupendously disgusting gaseous emissions; then Moo would zip away from the immediate area where her shit had landed a fart, as if to escape from the evidence.
We shoppers would collectively gasp, look around at each other (Only I seemed to know that it was all the work of Fart Child because Moo would have already left the area.) We try to avoid the stink trail as best we can, varying our route.
But then Moo comes BACK repeatedly to the area and Fart Child lays down an even deeper and more insidious stink trail.
This grocery store is huge and I swear to fucking god it was all one huge baby diarrhea fart zone the whole time I was there.
I was telling my SO about this later and he agreed it was terrible but asked if I was SURE it had been the child and not an old person or something and I said, "Unfortunately, I have categorized the distinct living-on-baby-food-and-having-liquid-shits smell of babies, and this was the smell."
Let alone dealing with the incessant noise and blather from a child, how the FUCK could you handle dealing with that level of FART every day? It was farting CONSTANTLY.
Even my most elderly, least continent cat does better than that on its WORST day.
*end of rant*
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 25, 2015 | Registered: 8 years ago Posts: 197 |
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 25, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,842 |
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 26, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 5,716 |
People who blow farts in public -
OK, have some class
eyes2
And if you are having an 'attack' of gas - this usually means that you will need to go #2 on the toilet soon - so you should probably stick at home until that happens / plan accordingly.
Kids. "Cannot help themselves". Oh but the PARENTS CAN! By what they feed them. And simple common sense - watch your kids eating and toilet habits.
Aren't they supposed to be *Toilet Training* them anyway?
And if they were feeding things that brought *bad gas* - wouldn't you, As A Parent - consider that maybe some foods do not agree with the child?
Of course I cannot grasp the mentality of these people. And sure, farts can be funny - but if your kid farts like crazy - there may be digestive / health issues. Wouldn't you consider that?
That's arhetorical pointless question.
OK, have some class
eyes2And if you are having an 'attack' of gas - this usually means that you will need to go #2 on the toilet soon - so you should probably stick at home until that happens / plan accordingly.
Kids. "Cannot help themselves". Oh but the PARENTS CAN! By what they feed them. And simple common sense - watch your kids eating and toilet habits.
Aren't they supposed to be *Toilet Training* them anyway?
And if they were feeding things that brought *bad gas* - wouldn't you, As A Parent - consider that maybe some foods do not agree with the child?
Of course I cannot grasp the mentality of these people. And sure, farts can be funny - but if your kid farts like crazy - there may be digestive / health issues. Wouldn't you consider that?
That's a
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 26, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,757 |
Originally from reddit I believe.
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-revenge-story-ever-this-man-is-a-god
When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.
It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.
One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying.
http://www.reddit.com/comments/fn5gr/reddit_what_is_your_silent_unseen_act_of_personal/
_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-revenge-story-ever-this-man-is-a-god
When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.
It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.
One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying.
http://www.reddit.com/comments/fn5gr/reddit_what_is_your_silent_unseen_act_of_personal/
_______________________________________________
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 27, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 606 |
Quote
thom_c
Originally from reddit I believe.
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-revenge-story-ever-this-man-is-a-god
/
oh god, mr exile and i were in stitches, i could barely read this out to him it was so funny, we were hoping the man was about to have diahorrea.
-no body needs to tell me im going to hell, i'm already booked in by now.
Anonymous User
Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 27, 2015 |
Quote
loavesstillsuck
Let alone dealing with the incessant noise and blather from a child, how the FUCK could you handle dealing with that level of FART every day? It was farting CONSTANTLY.
Even my most elderly, least continent cat does better than that on its WORST day.
*end of rant*
True story from 2003-2004, somewhere around then:
I was in a KMart, picking up some cosmetic item, and in this particular KMart, the cosmetics aisles are right next to the jewelry counter. While I was trying to find whatever I needed , a mother was there with her daughter, trying to pick her out a wrist watch .
The daughter was having attacks of audible flatulance; I was close enough to hear, but thankfully,far enough away that the rest of my senses were not engaged.
The mother kept saying over and over again, in the most drained,emotionless, dead voice imaginable,"JaneDoe, don't do that...Please, JaneDoe, stop doing that..."
I glanced over , and her face had that 'thousand yard stare"/glassy eyed look like she was at the end of her rope.
Both mother and daughter had then same hair style : Short, frizzly , permed...and solid gray. The daughter had to be well into her 50s and rapidly gaining on 60. So the mother...Mid to late 70s , at the very least.
Imagine all the hopes and dreams she had for that pregnancy, and this is how it ended : Well past retirement age, and still caring for someone who, pretty much retirement age herself, will never be capable of anything remotely like independent living.
Stuff of nightmares.
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Re: The Stupedous and Terrifying Fart Child at the Store July 28, 2015 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 3,576 |
Quote
exile
Quote
thom_c
Originally from reddit I believe.
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-best-revenge-story-ever-this-man-is-a-god
/
oh god, mr exile and i were in stitches, i could barely read this out to him it was so funny, we were hoping the man was about to have diahorrea.
-no body needs to tell me im going to hell, i'm already booked in by now.
*Opens the door of said bus*
+++++++++++++
Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
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