Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees?

Mariella Frostrop, geezer breeder and dispenser of highly questionable advice, is asked this week: "A friend I'm not remotely sexually attracted to is in love with me, should I use him to have some babies?" and she replies "Hell yes, and maybe you'll start to fancy him if you get really drunk, so drink more":


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The dilemma: I am a woman in my early 30s hoping at some point in the not-too-distant future to get married and raise a family. I have been single for quite a while, but recently I was surprised by my very good friend’s admission that he was “in love with” me and has been for 10 years.

I am now in a position to green-light the beginning of a relationship with a man who I am the best of friends with. Another friend, happily married to a man who similarly pined after her for many years, says I should give it a chance. The sexual attraction might come, she says, and everything else you want is already there. However, it isn’t like I haven’t thought about all this before. I see his brilliance, value his friendship, but have never wanted anything more from him. I’m inclined to follow my feelings and let him down, but should I give it a chance to see if deeper feelings follow the considered rationale?

"Green-light", urggghh, it sounds like she's enjoying having this power and like she's considering an arranged marriage, but arranging it herself. Spurred on by Mariella, presumably she should just forget any fears she may have about entering a sexless, loveless husk of a marriage and those baybees growing up miserable as a result, because baybees are the only thing that matter. If she ends up miserable presumably she can just cope by becoming an alcoholic.

So instead of gently letting her friend down and letting him go on to find somebody with reciprocal feelings to love, she's seriously considering taking advantage of her friend's affections for her so she can get some fucking children out of him and then relegate him to a dead bedroom and marriage? She's a fucking awful person and anybody who condones this behavior and course of action is an equally reprehensible person and all should be eradicated.

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"Bitch wants a baby, so we're gonna fuck now. #bareback"
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screaming sausage
Mariella Frostrop, geezer breeder and dispenser of highly questionable advice, is asked this week: "A friend I'm not remotely sexually attracted to is in love with me, should I use him to have some babies?" and she replies "Hell yes, and maybe you'll start to fancy him if you get really drunk, so drink more":


LINK

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The dilemma: I am a woman in my early 30s hoping at some point in the not-too-distant future to get married and raise a family. I have been single for quite a while, but recently I was surprised by my very good friend’s admission that he was “in love with” me and has been for 10 years.

I am now in a position to green-light the beginning of a relationship with a man who I am the best of friends with. Another friend, happily married to a man who similarly pined after her for many years, says I should give it a chance. The sexual attraction might come, she says, and everything else you want is already there. However, it isn’t like I haven’t thought about all this before. I see his brilliance, value his friendship, but have never wanted anything more from him. I’m inclined to follow my feelings and let him down, but should I give it a chance to see if deeper feelings follow the considered rationale?

"Green-light", urggghh, it sounds like she's enjoying having this power and like she's considering an arranged marriage, but arranging it herself. Spurred on by Mariella, presumably she should just forget any fears she may have about entering a sexless, loveless husk of a marriage and those baybees growing up miserable as a result, because baybees are the only thing that matter. If she ends up miserable presumably she can just cope by becoming an alcoholic.

So by this logic this Mariella woman thinks good friends for years and him being brilliant is enough criteria to advise for marrying the guy?
If he has had a long time crush on her then there is a very good chance he hasn't been completely honest and exposed his warts to her. There could be an entire world of hurt waiting for her. She hasn't said a word about how he has treated his girlfriends in the past, his character, lifestyle, etc. Nor did Mariella ask this woman why she isn't attracted to this guy.
Obviously Mariella has never dated a long term male friend and had it go really sour!
And if this woman isn't remotely attracted to a man she has known for years then does Mariella think dating him will suddenly make him attractive if she drinks enough? Arguing over who has to clean the house, take care of baybeez, etc. will somehow make her feel randy?

You guys are overthinking it, with all your rational thinking and crap like that. Dial in to the proper mindset, will ya?

She totally needs to do this-- for teh baybeeeez! Don't you know that's the only important thing in life, is shitting out Mini-Mes? Whatever happens after they stop being cute little blank slates is up to like God or someone. All that'll matter then is that there's someone nearby with a ready supply of baby batter to load her up with another "precious" bun in the oven.

Screw his feelings (and/or lurking pathologies). Screw future possibilities/probabilities in their-- hah-- "relationship". Screw this overstuffed planet. What is needed here is a big gold ring on her left finger, and baybees baybees baybees!!1!






I hate my species...

Here's the advice I would have given her.

In healthy relationships, you can feel more attracted to someone over time. If the person is right for you, you have shared experiences together and your love deepens. In the best relationships, you love with your heart and your head. That butterfly feeling goes away eventually for the most part but you need to really LIKE and respect the person in addition to loving him/her. Like greases the skids for the long haul, if you want to get married and stay married.

However, in addition to liking them, you need to be attracted to them. You can't FORCE yourself to be attracted to someone sexually.

It sounds like he's always been just a friend and she doesn't feel that attraction and she's trying to talk herself into having a relationship with him. If she really felt a spark, she wouldn't have to be asking an advice columnist what to do.

If she marries him and has her baybees, she's setting herself up to have an affair. Getting married so you can have baybees is a bad idea.

Let the guy go so he can find someone who's not ambivalent about him. He deserves better.

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bell_flower
Here's the advice I would have given her.

In healthy relationships, you can feel more attracted to someone over time. If the person is right for you, you have shared experiences together and your love deepens. In the best relationships, you love with your heart and your head. That butterfly feeling goes away eventually for the most part but you need to really LIKE and respect the person in addition to loving him/her. Like greases the skids for the long haul, if you want to get married and stay married.

However, in addition to liking them, you need to be attracted to them. You can't FORCE yourself to be attracted to someone sexually.

It sounds like he's always been just a friend and she doesn't feel that attraction and she's trying to talk herself into having a relationship with him. If she really felt a spark, she wouldn't have to be asking an advice columnist what to do.

If she marries him and has her baybees, she's setting herself up to have an affair. Getting married so you can have baybees is a bad idea.

Let the guy go so he can find someone who's not ambivalent about him. He deserves better.

Excellent advice.

@ bell_flower: you are soooo right in everything!
You should take over the column.

My advice, forget about them both - and let them find / live their lives away from an evident head-case.

For her; go out to a sleazy bar, pick up an even more sleazy type - apply liberal amounts of alcohol until the booze-goggles kick in, and ride them stupid without protection. That's a sure-fire way to get rid of her rampant babbie-fever, with the additional bonus of some nice 'love rash / crabs'.

After all, this is the level of decency fit for this selfish trailer-trash.

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freya
If he has had a long time crush on her then there is a very good chance he hasn't been completely honest and exposed his warts to her. There could be an entire world of hurt waiting for her. She hasn't said a word about how he has treated his girlfriends in the past, his character, lifestyle, etc. Nor did Mariella ask this woman why she isn't attracted to this guy.

It could be that he's a "Nice Guy" who didn't have the balls to ask her out and assumed that if he spent years being "nice" to her then he'd wear her down and she'd eventually "thank" him with sex. In any case, did he really need ten years to pluck up the courage to ask her out? Or was he getting desperate just like she was? Those things aren't very sexy either.

I also suspect she actually did have an inkling as to what his feelings for her were- "However, it isn’t like I haven’t thought about all this before": Why has she already imagined what being in a relationship with him would be like if she's not attracted to him? I wouldn't be surprised if they'd been drunk one night and he'd tried to kiss her, or he'd made a drunken pass at her and she'd brushed it off as harmless flirting or a joke, or he'd bought her an inappropriately expensive birthday present, jewellery or perfume or something. Maybe she knew how he felt and enjoyed having a little bit of power over him- her talk of "being in a position to green-light a relationship" is a bit creepy.

This friendship doesn't sound terribly healthy to me and I suspect they'd just make each other miserable if they were a couple. The old saying goes "If you love them, set them free", not "If you love them, trap them with a baby".

My sister got married just to have a loaf, as it would not have been accepted to just get knocked up. She picked some clueless dude that she knew she would divorce afterwards, then bragged about getting the kid that she wanted. The marriage part was all a scheme/scam to get the kyd legitimately then hit up duh for child support, and our famblee for more money, while telling everyone how awful the ex was. He had no idea what he was getting into, thought she was a nice traditional gal.

Yep, nothing but sperm and a wallet.
i think my own moo thought this way

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

I'd say that whether a romantic relationship could work depends on a few things (never mind the whole babies thing right now).

As bell_flower pointed out, you have to genuinely LIKE the person. I'd add that there has to be a deep respect as well. But there also has to be chemistry.

As far as teh babiez go....If she marries this guy just to have teh babiez, she is really giving fate the finger. Seems to me that the spark would be more likely to fizzle out. And if it's that strong, why hasn't he (or she) acted on it?

Ten years and three kids later, it'll be even harder to fake chemistry.

I suppose they could go into it with the understanding that their marriage is about companionship and security and raising their kids, and that they both can get their sexual needs met elsewhere as needed. It would, I suppose, be a much more honest version of what a lot of childed marriages go through anyway.

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randomcfchick
I suppose they could go into it with the understanding that their marriage is about companionship and security and raising their kids, and that they both can get their sexual needs met elsewhere as needed. It would, I suppose, be a much more honest version of what a lot of childed marriages go through anyway.

I don't care how people choose to live, but how does the scenario you describe actually work, in practice, with children in the home?

The kydz have a Mommy and Daddy who go out on dates with other people?

Moo fucks the FedEx guy by day, Duhd spends his nights at the strip club?

I don't think that's going to work out well for any of the parties involved. And I'm not sure if it's a great idea to put the children in an environment like that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0

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StudioFiftyFour

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randomcfchick
I suppose they could go into it with the understanding that their marriage is about companionship and security and raising their kids, and that they both can get their sexual needs met elsewhere as needed. It would, I suppose, be a much more honest version of what a lot of childed marriages go through anyway.

I don't care how people choose to live, but how does the scenario you describe actually work, in practice, with children in the home?

The kydz have a Mommy and Daddy who go out on dates with other people?

Moo fucks the FedEx guy by day, Duhd spends his nights at the strip club?

I don't think that's going to work out well for any of the parties involved. And I'm not sure if it's a great idea to put the children in an environment like that.

Are you thinking that they'd be taking the kids along on these dates? If so, perhaps I should have specified...figured that was self-explanatory.

No, the kids wouldn't be exposed to it any more than kids of monogamists are. People generally don't have sex in front of their kids, monogamous or not. Their parents would go "out with friends" or whatever while the other parent had kid-duty.

As for how it would work...dunno. It involves kids, so it's kinda off my radar.

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randomcfchick

Are you thinking that they'd be taking the kids along on these dates? If so, perhaps I should have specified...figured that was self-explanatory.

No, the kids wouldn't be exposed to it any more than kids of monogamists are. People generally don't have sex in front of their kids, monogamous or not. Their parents would go "out with friends" or whatever while the other parent had kid-duty.

As for how it would work...dunno. It involves kids, so it's kinda off my radar.

I'm thinking that partaking in that kind of lifestyle isn't really what's best for kids. I don't care if people do it, but if they're willing to "settle" on a partner who isn't up to snuff simply because they just luuuuuv kydz so much, that creates a real disconnection of values, doesn't it? It seems very selfish.

Another issue may be income generation. If there's a major discrepancy in who is bringing home money, the higher-earning spouse might feel jilted that he/she is paying all this money for their partner to have affairs on the side.

Again, I don't care if people want to live this lifestyle. I just think there could be unanticipated pitfalls that said couple isn't thinking about.

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StudioFiftyFour

I'm thinking that partaking in that kind of lifestyle isn't really what's best for kids. I don't care if people do it, but if they're willing to "settle" on a partner who isn't up to snuff simply because they just luuuuuv kydz so much, that creates a real disconnection of values, doesn't it? It seems very selfish.

Another issue may be income generation. If there's a major discrepancy in who is bringing home money, the higher-earning spouse might feel jilted that he/she is paying all this money for their partner to have affairs on the side.

Again, I don't care if people want to live this lifestyle. I just think there could be unanticipated pitfalls that said couple isn't thinking about.

Total agreement about that. I'm not endorsing the companionate-only marriage at all. I think it's a last-ditch, stopgap thing for someone who's desperate to have kids. It would require totally separating sex and partnership, and in my head those two things are one and the same. Even if the parents get along great, it wouldn't model a truly intimate relationship for the kids.

I'm thinking, though, that if she decides to marry her friend, she can't go into it expecting the type of relationship they have to totally transform into a perfect romantic relationship. If she decides to round him up from friend to love match, she needs to go into it expecting some sexual incompatibility/lack of chemistry. You can't fake that stuff. And if you do, I see a very unhappy marriage ahead for them, with one or both of them cheating down the road. Honest non-monogamy would be more up-front, but still not what anyone in that picture deserves.

Lack of attraction on her side of the relationship could also set up an odd power dynamic, because he would always need her more than she needs him. That's not healthy.

we see this 'gotta have a baaabbeee' no matter the cost all the time. the asshat breeders just don't admit it

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

Meh, she is just one more who is in love with idea of wanting to get married and have a fambalee.

So glad the latter is one thing I will never be in love with.