Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 379 |
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The dilemma: I am a woman in my early 30s hoping at some point in the not-too-distant future to get married and raise a family. I have been single for quite a while, but recently I was surprised by my very good friend’s admission that he was “in love with” me and has been for 10 years.
I am now in a position to green-light the beginning of a relationship with a man who I am the best of friends with. Another friend, happily married to a man who similarly pined after her for many years, says I should give it a chance. The sexual attraction might come, she says, and everything else you want is already there. However, it isn’t like I haven’t thought about all this before. I see his brilliance, value his friendship, but have never wanted anything more from him. I’m inclined to follow my feelings and let him down, but should I give it a chance to see if deeper feelings follow the considered rationale?
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 3,979 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,734 |
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screaming sausage
Mariella Frostrop, geezer breeder and dispenser of highly questionable advice, is asked this week: "A friend I'm not remotely sexually attracted to is in love with me, should I use him to have some babies?" and she replies "Hell yes, and maybe you'll start to fancy him if you get really drunk, so drink more":
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The dilemma: I am a woman in my early 30s hoping at some point in the not-too-distant future to get married and raise a family. I have been single for quite a while, but recently I was surprised by my very good friend’s admission that he was “in love with” me and has been for 10 years.
I am now in a position to green-light the beginning of a relationship with a man who I am the best of friends with. Another friend, happily married to a man who similarly pined after her for many years, says I should give it a chance. The sexual attraction might come, she says, and everything else you want is already there. However, it isn’t like I haven’t thought about all this before. I see his brilliance, value his friendship, but have never wanted anything more from him. I’m inclined to follow my feelings and let him down, but should I give it a chance to see if deeper feelings follow the considered rationale?
"Green-light", urggghh, it sounds like she's enjoying having this power and like she's considering an arranged marriage, but arranging it herself. Spurred on by Mariella, presumably she should just forget any fears she may have about entering a sexless, loveless husk of a marriage and those baybees growing up miserable as a result, because baybees are the only thing that matter. If she ends up miserable presumably she can just cope by becoming an alcoholic.
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Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,206 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 15, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 2,308 |
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bell_flower
Here's the advice I would have given her.
In healthy relationships, you can feel more attracted to someone over time. If the person is right for you, you have shared experiences together and your love deepens. In the best relationships, you love with your heart and your head. That butterfly feeling goes away eventually for the most part but you need to really LIKE and respect the person in addition to loving him/her. Like greases the skids for the long haul, if you want to get married and stay married.
However, in addition to liking them, you need to be attracted to them. You can't FORCE yourself to be attracted to someone sexually.
It sounds like he's always been just a friend and she doesn't feel that attraction and she's trying to talk herself into having a relationship with him. If she really felt a spark, she wouldn't have to be asking an advice columnist what to do.
If she marries him and has her baybees, she's setting herself up to have an affair. Getting married so you can have baybees is a bad idea.
Let the guy go so he can find someone who's not ambivalent about him. He deserves better.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 951 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 441 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 379 |
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freya
If he has had a long time crush on her then there is a very good chance he hasn't been completely honest and exposed his warts to her. There could be an entire world of hurt waiting for her. She hasn't said a word about how he has treated his girlfriends in the past, his character, lifestyle, etc. Nor did Mariella ask this woman why she isn't attracted to this guy.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 2,975 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,852 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,652 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 2,308 |
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randomcfchick
I suppose they could go into it with the understanding that their marriage is about companionship and security and raising their kids, and that they both can get their sexual needs met elsewhere as needed. It would, I suppose, be a much more honest version of what a lot of childed marriages go through anyway.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 16, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,762 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 17, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,652 |
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StudioFiftyFour
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randomcfchick
I suppose they could go into it with the understanding that their marriage is about companionship and security and raising their kids, and that they both can get their sexual needs met elsewhere as needed. It would, I suppose, be a much more honest version of what a lot of childed marriages go through anyway.
I don't care how people choose to live, but how does the scenario you describe actually work, in practice, with children in the home?
The kydz have a Mommy and Daddy who go out on dates with other people?
Moo fucks the FedEx guy by day, Duhd spends his nights at the strip club?
I don't think that's going to work out well for any of the parties involved. And I'm not sure if it's a great idea to put the children in an environment like that.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 17, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 2,308 |
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randomcfchick
Are you thinking that they'd be taking the kids along on these dates? If so, perhaps I should have specified...figured that was self-explanatory.
No, the kids wouldn't be exposed to it any more than kids of monogamists are. People generally don't have sex in front of their kids, monogamous or not. Their parents would go "out with friends" or whatever while the other parent had kid-duty.
As for how it would work...dunno. It involves kids, so it's kinda off my radar.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 17, 2015 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,652 |
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StudioFiftyFour
I'm thinking that partaking in that kind of lifestyle isn't really what's best for kids. I don't care if people do it, but if they're willing to "settle" on a partner who isn't up to snuff simply because they just luuuuuv kydz so much, that creates a real disconnection of values, doesn't it? It seems very selfish.
Another issue may be income generation. If there's a major discrepancy in who is bringing home money, the higher-earning spouse might feel jilted that he/she is paying all this money for their partner to have affairs on the side.
Again, I don't care if people want to live this lifestyle. I just think there could be unanticipated pitfalls that said couple isn't thinking about.
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 17, 2015 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 3,852 |
Re: Dear Mariella: Should I enter a loveless husk of a relationship just to have baybees? November 17, 2015 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,735 |