Deck the halls with lots of guilt trips

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ladybug2203

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paragon schnitzophonic
And didn't you say you're recovering from an eating disorder partially caused by this family? Why jump into a situation that will do nothing but trigger you?

If you get a guilt trip between now and Christmas, just say, "Fine, I just won't come over at all," and stick to it. Ignore incoming phone calls or keep them short (no more than ten minutes). It's probably time to start weeding these people out of your life.

yah I did say that, and I'm pretty sure its caused by all this b/c growing up I felt unimportant and concluded that if I got thin that maybe I'd be important. I also learned that to get your parents attention you have to have a problem.

When I was young I used food to comfort me and thus became a binger, and as a result I got fat and I was bullied relentlessly by classmates.

Then several years later my binge eating disorder turned into bulimia (the binging is still there except you use compensentory behaviors such as vomiting, laxitive abuse, excessive exercise or fasting to prevent weight gain) if that makes sense.

So really it was a combination of my home and school life I think.

Sometimes when we have to deal with our dysfunctional famblees we fall back into our assigned role, which really can suck. The best way I've found to deal with that is to keep everything light and keep a polite distance. All baiting is deflected and dismissed. That gives you the upper hand. At some point the realization hits that what they think doesn't matter, they are disordered and will never get it and no attention is better than being part of the mess. It is a super peaceful place to be when you come to terms with that.

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blondie

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ladybug2203

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paragon schnitzophonic
And didn't you say you're recovering from an eating disorder partially caused by this family? Why jump into a situation that will do nothing but trigger you?

If you get a guilt trip between now and Christmas, just say, "Fine, I just won't come over at all," and stick to it. Ignore incoming phone calls or keep them short (no more than ten minutes). It's probably time to start weeding these people out of your life.

yah I did say that, and I'm pretty sure its caused by all this b/c growing up I felt unimportant and concluded that if I got thin that maybe I'd be important. I also learned that to get your parents attention you have to have a problem.

When I was young I used food to comfort me and thus became a binger, and as a result I got fat and I was bullied relentlessly by classmates.

Then several years later my binge eating disorder turned into bulimia (the binging is still there except you use compensentory behaviors such as vomiting, laxitive abuse, excessive exercise or fasting to prevent weight gain) if that makes sense.

So really it was a combination of my home and school life I think.

Sometimes when we have to deal with our dysfunctional famblees we fall back into our assigned role, which really can suck. The best way I've found to deal with that is to keep everything light and keep a polite distance. All baiting is deflected and dismissed. That gives you the upper hand. At some point the realization hits that what they think doesn't matter, they are disordered and will never get it and no attention is better than being part of the mess. It is a super peaceful place to be when you come to terms with that.

It's true, I grew up feeling like less than a human being. I remember when I was about 14 or so we were all in the car on a road trip, my sister hit me and instead of asking if I'm okay my dad said "You handled it lousily!"

I don't really have any advice but I did want to offer hugs - since they're your family, cutting off ties I am sure is easier said than done even if they are a bunch of fucking twunts. I hope your Xmas goes well otherwise.

Agreed with the above poster: Stick to your original deal, and after that it's time to phase the family out a bit. You don't have to cut them out of your life completely if you don't want to, but don't feel guilty about greatly limiting your contact with them. Your sister is your parents' child, not yours, and if they find she is too difficult to put up with then they need to put her into professional care. Don't get roped into the process of finding a place either, or I'm afraid try getting you to foot some of the bill. They chose to have a kid, so they assumed the risk of having an autistic child (I'm betting blindly, as most do), so now they reap the consequences of their reproduction.

Also, if you haven't already (I know you're in school), it's probably a good idea to plan to move far enough away that visits are far less available. So they can't make weekend trips, and perhaps you only see them once or twice a year on holidays. Distance does wonders, and it also allows you to limit phone contact as well. After that, if you choose, there's always the "I'm to busy to visit this year because I have to work" line. Good luck!

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kaylachrist
Agreed with the above poster: Stick to your original deal, and after that it's time to phase the family out a bit. You don't have to cut them out of your life completely if you don't want to, but don't feel guilty about greatly limiting your contact with them. Your sister is your parents' child, not yours, and if they find she is too difficult to put up with then they need to put her into professional care. Don't get roped into the process of finding a place either, or I'm afraid try getting you to foot some of the bill. They chose to have a kid, so they assumed the risk of having an autistic child (I'm betting blindly, as most do), so now they reap the consequences of their reproduction.

Also, if you haven't already (I know you're in school), it's probably a good idea to plan to move far enough away that visits are far less available. So they can't make weekend trips, and perhaps you only see them once or twice a year on holidays. Distance does wonders, and it also allows you to limit phone contact as well. After that, if you choose, there's always the "I'm to busy to visit this year because I have to work" line. Good luck!

Hi,

She actually is in a residential facility. However they often bring her home to visit, and they do it on xmas every year. But I agree if she's too much for them it'd probably be better to visit her at her place for xmas for a bit and then leave. Like I said in my OP, no one is pointing a gun to their head forcing them to bring her home.

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ladybug2203
She actually is in a residential facility. However they often bring her home to visit, and they do it on xmas every year. But I agree if she's too much for them it'd probably be better to visit her at her place for xmas for a bit and then leave. Like I said in my OP, no one is pointing a gun to their head forcing them to bring her home.

Oh I see - Sorry, I must have misread on that part. But yes I agree with your thought - it may be best for them to visit her rather than the other way around. Either that or they'd need to look into an option of having a paid caretaker from the facility with her during visits that can handle her physically.

UPDATE

I tried gently suggesting to my mom that we visit my sis home next yr instead of bringing her back, stating that disruption in routine upsets autistic people and it maybe easier for her.


She said no because she looks forward to coming home, and, get this.......

"it gives the staff a break for the holidays"


excuse me?!?!?! Their getting paid to do this and she cares about giving THEM a break but ruining the rest of our holidays every single year?!

ladybug, unfortunately you will never win or change the way your family deals with your sister. You can only control what you do. By dismissing your rational suggestion your mom gets to put you down again. I honestly would not talk about your sister with your mother, and start distancing from that rather than trying to use reason in a place where reason doesn't exist. It only works against you.

I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but it really doesn't sound like your parents care about your sister as much as they would like people to believe. They are incapable of dealing with her, yet they insist on frequently bringing her home from the group home where there are trained professionals who know how to deal with her and probably where she feels more comfortable. They're creating stress not only for everyone else by inisisting on bringing her home, but everyone else who will be subject to her outbursts. Chances are, they're doing this for attention and sympathy. By being around your sister, you are giving your parents what they want: a witness to your retarded sisters difficult behavior which they will try to use against you and manipulate your into taking up a caregiver mantle that you obviously don't want.

It sounds like you've given your parents more than enough times to show that they value you as a functioning adult and your daughter, and they've failed to do that, only seeing you as a potential caregiver. Chances are this isn't going to change. The only question is how much more of this you are willing to endure. It's your life and your decisions as to how much contact you have with them or your sisters. My only suggestion is that if or when you make your decision, you need to stand firm. Set some boundaries and don't let your family cross them. If you do, it will only make it more difficult for you to stand your ground next time.

Again to all lurking breeders of autards: expecting your normal kids (after years of them being an additional parent to you and a punching bag to the tard) to not only give you grandkids but to also be a caregiver for your autard is quite a nervy expectation of you, and too much to ask of anyone. And also you brain wash them to think that having an autistic sibling is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and when they try to speak the truth on how hard it is you punish them, but oh everyone has to fucking bow before you when you say how hard it is, all I have to say is.......

!

Bumping for an update......

I'm curious, too. How'd the visit go, ladybug?

Hi Everyone. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I had a long date with the dentist today

My sister actually behaved herself (however I still don't trust her, its a Jekyll/Hyde thing) it was my mother who was a giant pain in the ass about me not wanting children.

Just glad it's done and over with.