"How to Be the Most Helpful Slave You Can Be for Me and My Baby"

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Written in the kind of direct, uncompromising language you might use when teaching a dog to sit (assuming you wanted to lose that dog as a friend) it is billed as a list of "helpfuls."

In the same way that a landowning gentleman in the antebellum South might have listed, "plow the field at dawn," as a "'helpful.'"

Below, a brief catalog of the ways in which you will be permitted to serve the Makers of the Baby...

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I don't think these parents want you the fuck around. All you childless fucks believe it is a right to drop by with some kind of shitty food or good intentions and spend time with new born...really parents in question would rather you go fucking die so they can sleep. And you bitches out there talking shit to new mothers, go fuck yourselves with a 8 pound dildo and tell me how it feels...geez bitches.

Seriously these parents are laying down some guidelines and if you don't like it don't fucking do it. You dumb pricks.

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We are beginning to settle into a routine with our sweet baby girl and have visitors. {Parent} and I put together a list of "helpfuls" if you would like to come over and help us out during this transitional period into parenthood. Please visit this google doc:

Dear friends and family,

The following helpful list are the kind things that we will remember and appreciate forever. This is what [Parent]'s body and soul needs, and will be most helpful for our bonding with the baby. By devoting just a few hours doing one of these things, we will get the support and rest we need with our newborn in the house.

Love,
{Two Chill Parents}

1. Ask us what groceries we need around the house and bring them to us. We likely need toilet paper and milk.

2. Drop off a big super greek salad with grilled chicken. We will dress it ourselves at home. Or, drop off frozen homemade food like lasagna we can reheat later.

*Allergies/intolerances include: Soy anything (including tempeh and tofu), carrageenan, guar gum, gum acacia, xanthan gum, carob bean gum (anything with the word GUM in it), lentils — Please read labels. Many of these ingredients are in store bought food.

3. Come over at about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then complete one or more household chores, such as:
-fold laundry
-scoop the litter box
-take {our dog} for a well deserved walk or run around the neighborhood or park
-clean the kitchen or the bathroom
-vacuum

4. Come over at 10am, make me eggs, toast, and ½ a grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw anything out that you doubt — don't ask me, just use your best judgment. Clean the kitchen stove and the kitchen floor.

5. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum, dust, clean the litter box, and then leave quietly. It might be too tiring for me to chat and entertain, but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to a clean, organized space.

6. Take {our dog} for a well-deserved long walk or run around our neighborhood or Prospect Park.

7. Come over to fold laundry or clean and give {Parent} a break so she can go enjoy some r & r, go to a coffee shop, a bar, or something else fun. Vacuum and fold more laundry. Clean the litter box.

8. Make a giant pot of vegetable soup in our kitchen and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Then take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house. Reline the kitchen garbage can with a fresh bag.

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I don't think these parents want you the fuck around. All you childless fucks believe it is a right to drop by with some kind of shitty food or good intentions and spend time with new born...really parents in question would rather you go fucking die so they can sleep. And you bitches out there talking shit to new mothers, go fuck yourselves with a 8 pound dildo and tell me how it feels...geez bitches.
Seriously these parents are laying down some guidelines and if you don't like it don't fucking do it. You dumb pricks.

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yurble

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We are beginning to settle into a routine with our sweet baby girl and have visitors. {Parent} and I put together a list of "helpfuls" if you would like to come over and help us out during this transitional period into parenthood. Please visit this google doc:

Dear friends and family,

The following helpful list are the kind things that we will remember and appreciate forever. This is what [Parent]'s body and soul needs, and will be most helpful for our bonding with the baby. By devoting just a few hours doing one of these things, we will get the support and rest we need with our newborn in the house.

Love,
{Two Chill Parents}

1. Ask us what groceries we need around the house and bring them to us. We likely need toilet paper and milk.

2. Drop off a big super greek salad with grilled chicken. We will dress it ourselves at home. Or, drop off frozen homemade food like lasagna we can reheat later.

*Allergies/intolerances include: Soy anything (including tempeh and tofu), carrageenan, guar gum, gum acacia, xanthan gum, carob bean gum (anything with the word GUM in it), lentils — Please read labels. Many of these ingredients are in store bought food.

3. Come over at about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then complete one or more household chores, such as:
-fold laundry
-scoop the litter box
-take {our dog} for a well deserved walk or run around the neighborhood or park
-clean the kitchen or the bathroom
-vacuum

4. Come over at 10am, make me eggs, toast, and ½ a grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw anything out that you doubt — don't ask me, just use your best judgment. Clean the kitchen stove and the kitchen floor.

5. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum, dust, clean the litter box, and then leave quietly. It might be too tiring for me to chat and entertain, but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to a clean, organized space.

6. Take {our dog} for a well-deserved long walk or run around our neighborhood or Prospect Park.

7. Come over to fold laundry or clean and give {Parent} a break so she can go enjoy some r & r, go to a coffee shop, a bar, or something else fun. Vacuum and fold more laundry. Clean the litter box.

8. Make a giant pot of vegetable soup in our kitchen and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Then take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house. Reline the kitchen garbage can with a fresh bag.

I detect a lot of copying from kalamata olives - the 'work clothes' seems like a direct paste.

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gymrat
I work with a guy whose wife is about to have her second baby. They prepared and froze meals, cleaned the house, got caught up on chores, and stocked up on essentials (like toilet paper) weeks ago. Seriously - you've had nine months to prepare! Why would you think to ask your friends to do all of the things you should've done yourself?

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omnishambles
How tempting would it be to take over a steaming, fragrant pot of GUMbo, let them smell it, then smack your forehead and say "Dammit, I'm sorry, I forgot the NO GUM rule", and then take it away, leaving the sweet spicy smell of deliciousness behind while they eat their entitled little hearts out larious

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Snark Shark
" hold the baby while I have a hot shower"

doesn't she have a fucking CRIB to put the THING in? Or a cardboard box? Or a big open drawer?

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danity

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I don't think these parents want you the fuck around. All you childless fucks believe it is a right to drop by with some kind of shitty food or good intentions and spend time with new born...really parents in question would rather you go fucking die so they can sleep. And you bitches out there talking shit to new mothers, go fuck yourselves with a 8 pound dildo and tell me how it feels...geez bitches.
Seriously these parents are laying down some guidelines and if you don't like it don't fucking do it. You dumb pricks.

Ah, the inner happiness and quiet serenity that can only come with new moo-hood

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breeder
I don't think these parents want you the fuck around. That's probably for the best, because we don't want to be around either. All you childless fucks believe it is a right to drop by with some kind of shitty food or good intentions and spend time with new born Ummm, no. We don't. Perhaps you speak for the childless, but you do not speak for the childfree. We really don't want to cook for someone else unless they have done something really spectacular. We don't cook for people when they've finally shat after a bout of constipation. We won't cook for someone who has just shat a loaf of unformed humanity. As for holding the baby - we REALLY do not want to drop by to do that. If we had wanted to hold babies, we would have had some of our own. We don't, and we didn't. You do the math....really parents in question would rather you go fucking die so they can sleep Why the hell would someone have to die in order for a breeder to sleep? Are they really that much worse than we already think they are? I think that what you meant was that they are trying to cook up some sort of believable post-natal-abortion so they can sleep.. And you bitches out there talking shit to new mothers, go fuck yourselves with a 8 pound dildo and tell me how it feels...geez bitches Pot, meet kettle. As for the 8 pound dildo, it wouldn't fit into our vaginas. EVER. It would, however, continue to go into the vagina of a moo, easily, and for years to come. Why, pray tell, if it is that horrible of an experience, did you do that to yourself? I don't go around bashing people who have issues that are not of their own making. I do, however, reserve the right to be a right bloody bitch to those who fuck up their own lives and decide that it's okay to whine about it. You did this to yourself (with some help from some disgusting prick that wanted to prove his dick snot was populated with olympic swimmers)..
Seriously these parents are laying down some guidelines and if you don't like it don't fucking do it. You dumb pricks.