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Here's another one from the Onion
Posted by Anonymous User
Anonymous User
Here's another one from the Onion May 01, 2008 |
You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two
By Len Datillo
Expectant Father
Issue 37•06
Honey, a miracle has happened–you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.
It's hard to believe that soon there are going to be two people in our little brood. Nothing brings two people closer together quite like one of them being a mother and the other a child. No, there's nothing in the world more special than that.
You and I are going to have so many good times together until you start to show! And after that, you and the baby will have so many good times together, too. Of course, I'll be having great times on my own. I know that might be hard to believe right now, but don't worry–it's true. I'll be having an absolute blast.
Just think of the happy, loving family we'll make: You and the baby, plus me 700 miles away. That's the kind of family I've always wanted, and you've made it possible. It's truly a dream come true.
A woman plus her child minus a man there to provide support; now that's what I call the perfect couple. And let's face it: The whole idea of couplehood is kind of ruined by a third person, isn't it? But I wouldn't want you to be the one who has to give up all that beautiful couple stuff. So I'll do the responsible thing and bow out. I'll be a man about it. Do you think you'd even want me around? I know I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be right.
A pair of little feet running around the house. That's exactly what you need! And I need my own pair of feet to run out of the house as quickly as possible. I can't believe how wonderful this is going to be for at least one of the three of us.
Oh, wow, this is such a magical time! You're really, really going to have a baby! And I'm not! Not in the physical sense, of course, and not in the "couples' ubiquitous we" sense, either. I'm just plain not going to be there at all, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel.
Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step–I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.
You and the baby have made me the happiest man in the world. Not long ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But now you and the baby have given me the strength and courage to high-tail it out of town as fast as humanly possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my life complete again. I love this so much.
By Len Datillo
Expectant Father
Issue 37•06
Honey, a miracle has happened–you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.
It's hard to believe that soon there are going to be two people in our little brood. Nothing brings two people closer together quite like one of them being a mother and the other a child. No, there's nothing in the world more special than that.
You and I are going to have so many good times together until you start to show! And after that, you and the baby will have so many good times together, too. Of course, I'll be having great times on my own. I know that might be hard to believe right now, but don't worry–it's true. I'll be having an absolute blast.
Just think of the happy, loving family we'll make: You and the baby, plus me 700 miles away. That's the kind of family I've always wanted, and you've made it possible. It's truly a dream come true.
A woman plus her child minus a man there to provide support; now that's what I call the perfect couple. And let's face it: The whole idea of couplehood is kind of ruined by a third person, isn't it? But I wouldn't want you to be the one who has to give up all that beautiful couple stuff. So I'll do the responsible thing and bow out. I'll be a man about it. Do you think you'd even want me around? I know I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be right.
A pair of little feet running around the house. That's exactly what you need! And I need my own pair of feet to run out of the house as quickly as possible. I can't believe how wonderful this is going to be for at least one of the three of us.
Oh, wow, this is such a magical time! You're really, really going to have a baby! And I'm not! Not in the physical sense, of course, and not in the "couples' ubiquitous we" sense, either. I'm just plain not going to be there at all, and I can't tell you how great that makes me feel.
Watching our child's birth, seeing it grow, hearing its first word and seeing its first step–I'm going to burst with joy over not seeing a single one of these things. I can hardly wait for the blessed event of me moving far away, someplace where all this baby business is just a memory, and a short-lived one at that.
You and the baby have made me the happiest man in the world. Not long ago, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But now you and the baby have given me the strength and courage to high-tail it out of town as fast as humanly possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my life complete again. I love this so much.
Nour
Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 01, 2008 |
Anonymous User
Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 01, 2008 |
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Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 01, 2008 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 3,454 |
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Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 02, 2008 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,897 |
Classic!
I remember a few years back, my mom worked with a couple (it was a large hospital) who were childfree. Well, the wife, after like 12 years of marriage, got repugnant "accidentially." She refused to get rid of it so he split - and rightfully so. They had an agreement and she blew it. Well, word around town was what a bastard he was. Of course he is!
I remember a few years back, my mom worked with a couple (it was a large hospital) who were childfree. Well, the wife, after like 12 years of marriage, got repugnant "accidentially." She refused to get rid of it so he split - and rightfully so. They had an agreement and she blew it. Well, word around town was what a bastard he was. Of course he is!
Anonymous User
Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 02, 2008 |
I bought a pregnancy and birth book to look at whenever I start getting those "urges." My favorite part was about "partners who are less than thrilled about you being pregnant." Also, it sounds like starting at week 1 through two months after the birth are sheer misery, yet the authors are all like "did you expect it to be easy creating a new human?"
LOL
LOL
Anonymous User
Re: Here's another one from the Onion May 02, 2008 |
How many men will admit to being 'less than thrilled' because most moos have their heads so far up the kids ass that they can't see that they have a husband who has genuine needs? (And many of their attitudes about that? Like he has to 'get over the fact that I'm in pig'. Like 'he better understand he isn't getting any because of the baayybeee, and it takes evverryything.')
Then they wonder why they turn to hookers, porn, self, etc, or just lose interest in them, especially when they want to sprog # 2, 3, etc.
Then they wonder why they turn to hookers, porn, self, etc, or just lose interest in them, especially when they want to sprog # 2, 3, etc.
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