Why are people so afraid to say it?

Smetimes when people start with me I consider telling them that I "can't" (which is true now) have them, and let them think whatever they want about WHY that may be and let them assume that I want them, in order to avoid getting bingoed. BUT i don't really do that because I don't want to open the door to lectures about fertility treatments or how to go about adopting.

So I usually just start talking about my cats, and if they don't like it, they can go find other breeders and leave me alone.

poofy_puff Wrote:
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> Smetimes when people start with me I consider
> telling them that I "can't" (which is true now)
> have them, and let them think whatever they want
> about WHY that may be and let them assume that I
> want them, in order to avoid getting bingoed. BUT
> i don't really do that because I don't want to
> open the door to lectures about fertility
> treatments or how to go about adopting.

It is like 'you are damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

Tell someone that a childfree life has been decided, you get the bingos and some will get quite angry that you escaped motherhood. Give an answer, "I cannot have kids," will get all the unwanted advice on how to adopt a child or to go about the treatments you mentioned. Close to 20 years ago, I tried the latter with, "Nothing has happened yet." You know the rest...
>
> So I usually just start talking about my cats, and
> if they don't like it, they can go find other
> breeders and leave me alone.

I have found changing the subject often helps if someone wants to talk about a certain thing which I just do not want to get into. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't.

I used to shut people down with "not YET" when they weren't happy enough with "never", but that was when I was "too young" and had "plenty of time" and hadn't "met someone".

poofy_puff Wrote:
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> I used to shut people down with "not YET" when
> they weren't happy enough with "never", but that
> was when I was "too young" and had "plenty of
> time" and hadn't "met someone".

That is bad when the breeders are not happy with "not Yet". It sort of reminds me of the double whammy parents who elect to stick with having one child gets from other parents: "Aren't you afraid s/he will be lonely without brothers or sisters." "You owe it to yourselves to have another." It never ends.

I have a friend who says that they were happy enough with their first daughter but had the second one so the first wouldn't be alone.

My parents almost did that to me, but instead my mother had her tubes tied.

To be honest, I think there's something to that. My sister is my best friend, and I would be lost without her. If I had had to grow up alone in that house of hell with my parents, I don't know what I would have done... Let's just say, I'm glad my parents decided on two. I'm so glad I had a sibling. I say this despite being rabidly childfree. No children is still the best option!

I loved being an only child and am one of the 'onlies' who is there were no other children. I've always loved my privacy and never felt lonely. Guest, it is great how your sister is your best friend. I have a friend who feels that way about her older sister, who has been a source of comfort during difficult times. I wish I could say that about other people I have known...including a former husband, where the sibling relationship was still whacked out even in adulthood. Even as a kid, I would visit friends who had brothers and sisters. The fights would be scary. I guess how the siblings get along may have a lot to do with how the parents treat each child. I would not know due to not having any brothers or sisters. I got stepbrothers when I was 17 so all of the childhood dynamics were escaped but there still can be issues. We are all grown and I live out-of-state so it is out-of-signt and out-of-mind.

When my mother died and her sisters gave me such a hard time, I was just thankful that I had no siblings to do the same.

I was also the only grandchild on both sides (my father was an only) until I was almost 20. That has had both advantages and disadvantages. It might have been nice to have other relatives at my level in the family tree when I was growing up, but hard telling not knowing.

OTOH, Steve is "Sixth of Eight" [for any Trekkies reading] and while they had a somewhat rocky upbringing, they all get along pretty well as adults and I am glad to have them as my in-laws, for the most part (youngest is a train-wreck-in-waiting - due to hit the fan in July if you know what I mean, but I'm saving that for its own thread).

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

poofy_puff Wrote:
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> When my mother died and her sisters gave me such a
> hard time, I was just thankful that I had no
> siblings to do the same.

Death brings out the worst in some relatives. That is messed up how your aunts hassled you. I have heard horror stories of the children of the late-parents doing that to each other and fighting over the money or posessions.
>
> I was also the only grandchild on both sides (my
> father was an only) until I was almost 20. That
> has had both advantages and disadvantages. It
> might have been nice to have other relatives at my
> level in the family tree when I was growing up,
> but hard telling not knowing.

How was it with another grandchild born while you were an adult?
>
> OTOH, Steve is "Sixth of Eight" and while they
> had a somewhat rocky upbringing, they all get
> along pretty well as adults and I am glad to have
> them as my in-laws, for the most part (youngest is
> a train-wreck-in-waiting - due to hit the fan in
> July if you know what I mean, but I'm saving that
> for its own thread).

It is good you have great in-laws. I can imagine the train-wreck. Will wait for the other thread...:nerd

My aunts were not very nice people to begin with. I would have been VERY surprised if they had done anything LESS nasty. Recently, with the problems with my grandparents, I have had to start dealing with the younger one. This is the reason Steve and I got married, so that my "private" problems would legally be his business, and he can speak for or stick up for me if I need it.

Re: getting cousins @ age 20... It's probably like having nieces and nephews, but I wouldn't know 'cause I don't have them either! Steve's oldest n&n's are about the same ages as my 2 cousins.

I wonder how thrilled my MIL is on a scale of 1-10 about her new future trainwreck. I plan on asking her. My bet is 5 or less.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

God, and how true is this? Are these same people going to be up in the middle of the night with the kid that you birth to make them happy? Are they going to pay for it? No? Then fuck off already, it's none of your damn business.

Oops ... was replying to amethusos :

"That is bad when the breeders are not happy with "not Yet". It sort of reminds me of the double whammy parents who elect to stick with having one child gets from other parents: "Aren't you afraid s/he will be lonely without brothers or sisters." "You owe it to yourselves to have another." It never ends."

Catabat, a woman asked the same question re: are the pro-lifers going to give their pro-life dollars and time if she births a baby. The lady wrote a column for the op-ed part of the Orlando Sentinel about a decade ago with the rise in anti-abortion sentiment. Of course, a male religious asshole (those are so the worst) commented how the woman should not have sexual relations with her live-in but sleep in separate beds. I highly doubt Mr. Christianity/Forced-Birther was some sort of virgin when he got married. These religious zealots - both male and female - are too fascinated as to what goes on in the bedroom when it does not produce a crotchfruit.

My brother and I freaked out when my mom announced my parent's intentions of adoptring several more kids. My dad dies, so that put the kibosh on it so given how it ended up she would have benn miserable with 4 kids and no husband.

We came right out and told her together (I think I was all of 5) that we were not in support of additional siblings. She was really horrified at our selfishness. None of us has discussed it since.

People don't say it because they are sheeple and want to fit in and be just like everybody else.
Hence, the 4 bedroom house in the burbs, that looks just like the house next to it, the SUV, the 3 kids, 2 dogs and velvel runnong suits.
All those people look the same to me, and it looks to be a very boring life.

I agree, Most people are sheep, Im just amazed that SO many people follow that life script. I just dont get it. You think more people would have more common sense and think for themselves. Its amazing howm many people are just robots and just go through life in a foggy haze.

.

Rose Red Wrote:
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> My brother and I freaked out when my mom announced
> my parent's intentions of adoptring several more
> kids. My dad dies, so that put the kibosh on it
> so given how it ended up she would have benn
> miserable with 4 kids and no husband.
>
> We came right out and told her together (I think I
> was all of 5) that we were not in support of
> additional siblings. She was really horrified at
> our selfishness. None of us has discussed it
> since.

No one is selfish for not wanting more siblings. It does affect the kids when the parents decide on more children. Often, the older kids tend to be free caretakers for the younger ones. Many children are not equipped to deal with taking care of a baby with the mess of diapers and throw-up or a toddler prone to tantrums. Sibling abuse is very common when the kids, who are put-upon, do not know what else to do when thrust with this work they did not ask for.

I'm one of those only kid/only grandchild on both sides of the family people. I got my first cousin when I was 12, and a bunch more pretty quick after that. I've never had a problem making, or keeping friends and am way better at amusing myself than most sibling-ed people I know. Being an only child does not make one's enjoyment of life any less, this is just another line parents feed to make other parents have more children than they might really want.

Yes, for the most part, people are sheep. But then again, they are, for the most part, being raised by sheep who just want their spawn to be sheep like themselves. Ask any parent what they want for their child's future, and it won't be "happiness" but..."a family, grand children, a good job, a house, a fancy car...blah blah blah" Parents don't have children simply so they can grow up to be "happy", parents have children to fill their own unfulfilled dreams, to carry on the family name, to follow (or surpass) their life path, to inherit the family business, to make some grandparents. I would bet that you could ask every parent you know and not a single one of them would say "I just want my child to live a happy life", they've all got their kid's life planned out and expect that plan to be adhered to no matter what.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

I never let a breeder get their "when you spawning?" b.s. in without letting them know in no uncertain terms that the answer is "NEVER". Generally I say "Uh...I don't swing that way" in the same tone of voice I might turn down kinky group sex, or a sex change. I've never had a person bingo on top of that one, but maybe it's just that the people in my area don't like that I'd equate breeding with an orgy I don't want to participate in.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

It wasn't really that people wanted me to HAVE kydz when I was in my 20's, it was that they didn't want to hear me say that I NEVER wanted kydz. As if, by making my mouth say the words, "OK, then - not YET", that they had "won" the battle (but not the war!) and convinced me to open myself up to the possibility.

Of course, as an only child, my mother had no one else to bug for grandchildren except me.

At least my MIL has 10, going on 11, already. I don't think she ever needed to ask for them, either.

Feh wrote:
I never let a breeder get their "when you spawning?" b.s. in without letting them know in no uncertain terms that the answer is "NEVER". Generally I say "Uh...I don't swing that way" in the same tone of voice I might turn down kinky group sex, or a sex change.

Yes! I do that too! It really works. This response puts people off guard.

married with rabbits Wrote:
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> I grew up with one older brother, about 8 years
> older than myself. Thank God he was that much
> older and I got to finally feel like an only child
> when he left. He turned into a mean person who
> still likes to give my parents grief from time to
> time and hates me for some unkown reason.

I am glad you had part of your childhood without your brother around. He sounds toxic. What is sad is how parents will endure nasty treatment from an adult child. A woman I know is moving back in with her mom. She has two kids in tow but has entitlement issues of how her mother needs to 'respect' her. This gal has lived off of lovers, ex-lovers, and her mother. What she does not realise is that the people paying her way have the power. If she was self-supporting, she would not have to enure what she feels is "other people's shit". I doubt she will stay at her mom's for long. Suddenly, this acquaintance is no longer 'lesbian' but that is because she ran out of women who were willing to support her and her two kids. Now, she is interested in a fellow who has his own business. I feel sorry for her two children who are learning horrible lessons on how to live and mistreat others.