"MY GIANT VASSHOLE-AND 9 MORE THINGS THAT HAVE CHANGED AFTER GIVING BIRTH"

http://mylifeandkids.com/vasshole/



Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan. Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole. And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.


God, these cows have no shame.:smn

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Sounds like it's all worth all right. You feel like you're not even human, you make changes in your lifestyle plus you stay at home all day caring for little humans but it's all worth it. They're living the dream.

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"Don't you know how to deal with children?!"
"I don't like animals who act on instinct."
I think you're on to something Akihiko.

THIS is what women are supposed to aspire to. No. Fucking. Thank. You. I'll be hiding in my closet knitting a teddy bear to hold onto while I'm mumbling to myself "never me" over and over again.

Excuse me for a moment, I am going to enjoy thinking about my intact vagina and perineum. :satan

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“I was talking about children that have not been properly house-trained. Left to their own impulses and indulged by doting or careless parents almost all children are yahoos. Loud, selfish, cruel, unaffectionate, jealous, perpetually striving for attention, empty-headed, for ever prating or if words fail them simply bawling, their voices grown huge from daily practice: the very worst company in the world. But what I dislike even more than the natural child is the affected child, the hulking oaf of seven or eight that skips heavily about with her hands dangling in front of her -- a little squirrel or bunny-rabbit -- and prattling away in a baby's voice.”


― Patrick O'Brian, The Truelove


lib'-er-ty: the freedom given to you to make the wrong decision, based on the reasoned belief that you will normally make the right one.

Oh WOW!! Sign me up for that!!! eyes2

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2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

How the hell is that even possible?

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randy johnson's mullet

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2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

How the hell is that even possible?

Was wondering this myself. It's a blood vessel, not a pair of fucking pantyhose.

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"Yes, fellow readers, nothing says 'devoted father of a special needs kid' quite like drinking, snorting cocaine, and then taking the boat out for a spin."
- Tiquer

I think I just added another reason as to why I'm pro-choice.

Or 10 more reasons actually, lol.

Oh yeah, I totally wanna have kids now! Yup, I’ma just go out and get myself knocked up now so I can shit out my twat for the rest of my life.
Do you think if I concentrate hard enough I can will my uterus to shrivel up and crumble to dust?
And, pardon my ignorance, but what’s a varicose vein and how the fuck can one manage to snag it on a coffee table? That sounds painful and disgusting and I felt all icky reading that.

I laughed at her article. She is making the best of a bunch of bad situations (I don't get muffin top either for the same reasons she does...) I know it will never be me, but at the same time, I can read her motherhood humor here and laugh...she is telling it like it is with a funny spin.

It is far better than the constant whining of most moo-tyrs especially the one with her rebuttal. "You are scaring potential mommies away." Women with baby rabies will not be put off by any of this.

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From a bottle cap message on a Magic Hat #9 beer: Condoms Prevent Minivans
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I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

If she calls her vagoo an elephant, does that mean her vulva lips are baggy, large, and gray with a large clitoris that sticks out?

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shy lurker
If she calls her vagoo an elephant, does that mean her vulva lips are baggy, large, and gray with a large clitoris that sticks out?

That's the same visual I got, so probably so. OR it could be she is referring to a long curled turd that occasionally oozes out her cooter-"VASSHOLE". I recall another topic about this where one Moo with a Vagina-Butthole(Recto-Vaginal Fistula) claimed she often had "walnut sized" turds coming out her cooter, so it could be that. When they get these types of fistulas they literally have a hole in the tissue between their large intestines and their vagina.


Topic including the walnut turds story

http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/read.php?2,219567

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

Hahaha! I read this somewhere with comments and from the comments about the one crazy eye I learned about Silent Sinus Syndrome. Apparently one half of the sinus mask can implode, reducing the facial structure above and in front of it. This causes one eye to sink, compared to the other. Either down or into the head, somewhat. Leaving the other eye to look a bit "popped" in comparison, or the cheek structure below they eye retreats while the orbital support does not, also leading to one eye looking a bit protruding.

I love learning about weird medical facts!

I don't know if it's from all the pushing or completely unrelated to childbirth.

My face is crooked, but not from this syndrome. I fell out of a bunkbed when I was very little and smashed myself into a funny shape. Misaligned my teeth at the same time, but my parents just scoffed. You can still wiggle your toes! Everything else is all in your imagination!
No. No it's not. 30 years later I'm in a position to begin fixing myself. Could have done this at the time of the fall, they had one of those cadillac health care plans, despite no free cash for anything else. Apparently I wasn't worth the copays.
Pardon me, I get to ranting!

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lorelei_diangelo

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randy johnson's mullet

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2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

How the hell is that even possible?

Was wondering this myself. It's a blood vessel, not a pair of fucking pantyhose.

I think she wrote it because she fancies herself a comedian and is just trying to be funny. Like "Look how veiny my legs are since I shat a kyd! Aren't my visuals soooo clever and hilarious?"

One of my grandmothers suffered severe, painful, and debilitating varicose veins in both her legs that reared their ugly heads when she was in her 60's and she wasn't given any specific reason she was afflicted by this. She didn't really have any "risk" factors other than perhaps sluicing, but that had been 40 years prior. Hers were absolutely big and protruded enough to snag on a coffee table. She eventually had them surgically removed as there really isn't an adequate treatment or cure if they are THAT bad. This cunt here likely doesn't have any anywhere near severe, although I am hoping she does just because she's poking fun at what is actually a pretty terrible medical condition.

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If YOU are the "exception" to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don't hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

LMAO

This along with the really fascinating/horrifying vaginal fistula thread really made my day. Now am I wondering how many of my moo friends are secretly pooing out the vag all the time. I love my vagina so much right now. I LOVE HER, and I will tell her, stay just the way you are... don't ever change.

Hahaha.... This makes me so glad I'll never shit out a kid.... quite literally according to that moo. I have heard some of the stories of the damage that goes on down there my mother even shared some with me about her friends and it was not pretty.

Sucks to be Moo, because the vasshole problems don't get better as you age.

Heard a story about a mid-50s woman at my job who suffered a 4th degree tear 23 years ago with her first kid, having to go in for surgery for an anal stricture recently. Supposedly, she has had severe constipation since she developed a vaginabutthole, and she got a fistula and an anal stricture for her troubles.

She had to have surgery to correct the stricture and repair the fistula. Word on the street is she isn't coming back for a long time because she's in the 40% of patients who develop incontinence after the procedure.

Wonder if she thinks it's all "worth it" now?