Friends kids

OK...new to the board and am thrilled to have found it!!

Here is my gripe...I have a very dear friend that has 2 boys who I really do love, in fact I'm the honorary aunt. However, as a childfree woman, I don't ALWAYS want the 4 year old tagging along to damn near everything!!!! This includes the "hey, come down for drinks later tonight; I'll get you caught up on the gossip". Where in this sentence does a 4 year old factor into the picture?

1.) No way to have a normal adult conversation with a 4 year old asking 18,000 questions in 30 minutes and interrupting incessantly.
2.) My house is NOT childproof and never has been. So instead of enjoying a glass of wine with a friend I'm watching the kid take laps around my house looking for something to do. My friend will correct him when he goes for something fragile but frankly, I think she's fine with someone else watching him for a while. Sorry...not the damn babysitter!
3.) The kid is bored (gee, I wonder why!) because there are no toys or anything appropriate for a 4 year old to play with. He starts whining and the evening is cut short.
4.) She can't leave the house and walk down the street without the kid attached at the hip. Instead of saying "get your butt back in the house where I told you stay", she does nothing and brings him to hang with us!
5.) No way to have a candid conversation because we don't want to risk corrupting the ankle biter!!! Not that it is a big cussfest, rather there are some adult topics that a 4 year old does not need to hear yet. Sooooo, no real girl talk.
6.) They husband is perfectly capable of taking care of the kid for an hour. I suspect he just doesn't want to.

OK...I've ranted enough. I just don't know how to tell this friend to leave the kid at home occasionally without damaging our friendship. I've suggested that she come down after he has gone to bed but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

Urgh!!!!!

I welcome any suggestions.

Sincerely,
Childfree with wonderful feline babies!

This is a tough one, and I'm facing the same problem. I am having a birthday party in a couple weeks for my 41st birthday. My sis has 7 and 9 year old boys. The younger kid is a sweetie pie; the older one is a twitchy brat. In the past I've diverted them by making a treasure hunt in the yard that they'd have to figure out. They liked that, and I'm happy to do that again. But when it runs out, they're bored, asking the 18,000 questions, and just generally being a pain.

I've been sorely tempted to say "adults only" for the party, but as you might guess, sis would take high offence because the precious ones would be excluded. One of whom damaged one of my plants last time he was here. On purpose, smirking at me the whole time. I'm not willing to put up with any more damage, and frankly I don't want to put up with the tedious questions and whining of kids.

For your situation, I wonder if an "adults only" notification might do it? Or frame it as a chance for her to take a break from kids and just have a "gossip session with the girls"? Perhaps make an invitation featuring margarita glasses, &c., to communicate that it's adults-only? But maybe your best bet is to frame it as a "night out" and a break from kidlings?

Something makes me think that kid is lonely as hell. You don't mention anything bad about the kid, just the mother.

You should pick up some children's DVD's.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

You should pick up some children's DVD's:

oh hell no, more pandering to the breeders, all my friends know im hard core CF and i can speak my mind, just tell her, let get drunk and cuss and leave your kiiiids with IT'S daddddyyyy

nokyds4me Wrote:
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> You should pick up some children's DVD's:
>
> oh hell no, more pandering to the breeders, all
> my friends know im hard core CF and i can speak my
> mind, just tell her, let get drunk and cuss and
> leave your kiiiids with IT'S daddddyyyy

Poof, that's a good idea but it is a wee bit enabling. I agree with nokyds- come out and suggest she leave the wee one at home- my house is not child friendly AT ALL and so I make it a point to stress that- not too many people visit with kids but unless the husband is bedridden and on a ventilator, an hour wouldn't kill him. Vis-a-vis the DVD, it could turn into "I've already SEEN that one. Don't you have any more?" Even DVD's are no guarantee- I put one in for my 6 yr old nephew and 30 seconds later he was back in the living room, pandering for attention....

Also, the little puck damaged plant deliberately. Will also probably damage DVD player as well.
I get the feeling that, despite being fairly well cared for by moo, these kids really are starved for attention. If they are in day-care, that would be a real clue. I've heard (for good or ill) that teachers generally can pick out day-care kids from ones that had a mother that was actually involved with raising the kid. They need interaction and if they don't get it, they will act out because even negative attention is still that: attention.
I don't have kids so dont' pile on me like I'm some troll in disguise: I ain't. I just look at what you have to go through and I just am not interested and I never did have the energy. I don't get enuf sleep and I'm the crankiest son of a gun the next day. Who needs a kid for that kind of mix.

So what if it is "enabling". Breeders are not going to change if you give them "tough love". This isn't about therapy, it's about coping with the situation.

There are cheap DVD's for $1 at the dollar-stores we all love to shop at for birthday presents.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

What troubles me, Makenna, is that you're afraid to say something to your friend for fear of offending her, but she's clearly not worried about offending or bothering you. In a friendship you both have the right to get what you want some of the time; I think you should just bring it up with her calmly. "Friend, you know I like the children, but when I invite you over I'm looking to spend time with you. Please don't bring them out with us without checking with me first. Thanks!"

I mean, seriously. She shouldn't get her way just because she's a parent and might blow up if you don't cater to that. In fact, as an adult, she shouldn't blow up if you don't cater to her -- period. Good luck!

Sara Wrote:
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> What troubles me, Makenna, is that you're afraid
> to say something to your friend for fear of
> offending her, but she's clearly not worried about
> offending or bothering you. In a friendship you
> both have the right to get what you want some of
> the time; I think you should just bring it up with
> her calmly. "Friend, you know I like the
> children, but when I invite you over I'm looking
> to spend time with you. Please don't bring them
> out with us without checking with me first.
> Thanks!"
>
> I mean, seriously. She shouldn't get her way just
> because she's a parent and might blow up if you
> don't cater to that. In fact, as an adult, she
> shouldn't blow up if you don't cater to her --
> period. Good luck!


Almost sounds like you listen to Dr Laura. She will say that to folk in some situations: that they don't worry about offending you. I hear it many times where the callers own moo (it is usually moos, not as often duhs) who used the childs social security to obtain credit, pay utility bills, default... or they actually will forge checks and steal that way. And the caller is worried about offending this person because it wears the label of moo or duh? "They didn't worry about offending or destroying you, now did they?".. is the rejoinder. T
To say things like that will risk the 'friendship'. Depends on what one wants to tolerate to maintain that 'friendship'.

Hi, Makenna,
My opinion is that if she is truly a good friend, then she will understand when you ask her to not bring the kids. You shouldn't have to put up with a person's kids to enjoy a friendship.

Teach the child to mix drinks. In fact, invite your friend and her child over for that specific purpose. There are many colorful and easy to use recipe books out there. It will entertain the child, and provide a useful service to adults. Kids LOVE to help!

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Sounds like you really do love your friend and don't mind being around the brat say, as much as I would, so there is a way you can get your point across without being rude. It's as simple as saying: "Hi _ _ _ , I really miss our just girls time. I enjoy with visiting with [insert brats name here], but next time we get together I'd love to spend it with the two of us." Something along those lines I think wouldn't be offensive but would tell her fairly straight-forward that you want to spend time with HER, just her. Good luck!

alot of breeder pleaser pandering advice here, SIGH SIGH

we all know its near impossible to remain friends with a breeder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well nokyds...it's like this: what the OP probably REALLY wants to do is to tell her freind 'look, can you leave your fuckin' kid at home for once"? But that's not realistic. So what's wrong with trying to give some 1/2 way decent suggestions? Geez, it's not like we can take your birthday away from you or anything. And yes, it is normally too difficult to keep your friends once they've shat out a brat, but you can try. There are actually parents who are pretty decent friends. She can give her friend a chance at least - then drop her like a used rubber if she just can't tolerate the pain-in-the-ass kid any longer, lol!

Gee, how about suggesting to her that she leave the kid for a couple of hours with her hubby so you two can hang out? If she is going to get that offended when you bring this up (in the manner that str8six suggested), you have to ask yourself whether you should continue being friends with her. It shouldn't suck to be friends with someone.

str8six point well taken, I just know that these type of friendships dont usually work, but i get what your saying!!

If she is going to get that offended when you bring this up (in the manner that str8six suggested), you have to ask yourself whether you should continue being friends with her. It shouldn't suck to be friends with someone.

Word. If she doesn't have the consideration to think of your comfort the same as you think of hers, this might not be a friendship worth keeping.

These are all the reasons I don't see my childed friends, even if the kyds are well-behaved, there is no such things as adult convo, and I don't know why the moo-friends can't see this. I don't want to talk about the weather for 3 hours because it is a safe topic.

Having a convo w/ a child present is like not having a convo or night out at all.


BTW, I think ALL kyds are lonely with this modern parunting...they aren't let outside to access and make friends and have them available, they can't ride bikes, walk, etc or go ANYWHERE w/o supervision, so their parunts end up being their "best friends". Gosh, as you all know, childhood in the past gave us Parent World and Child World, and most of us kyds couldn't wait to leave the house to go "play" and be in Child World. Not so these days at all.

I ranted last year about I was walking w/ my old pal at 7AM on a Sunday because that is the only time she had "any" free time, it worked and we had a pleasant walk for socialization and lite exercise, great convo, adult topics, current events...then 9-10 year old sprog wanted to come next week, I thought he would never wake up. My GF said she didn't even have to wake him, and the brat came at 7AM. It ruined everything and I never called said pal again for said weekly walk, neither did she.

But it goes to show, modern parunts aren't allowed a MINUTE to themselves and the kyds have no friends, are so lonely, they will wake up to be with 2 middle-aged women to 'walk around the neighborhood'. God, my mom would have to force me to do something as dull as that. (I didn't even want to go, but it is the only free time I could get out of my friend.)

From my personal experience, this type of friendship never works out. I've found that asking the parent to come alone extremely offends said parent and you get all kinds of backlash like, "Well if my child isn't invited then I'm not coming either," or "I can't go anywhere without my daughter, she needs a social life too," or my personal favorite, "What, you don't want my daughter around?"

And if you DO give in and have the kid along for the visit, the convo isn't the same, parent is busy watching/yelling at the kid, and it's just no fun.

I have 1 friend whom I hang out with that had kids, and only because her kids are teens now. We lost contact for many years because of the attitude I mentioned above. Hubby and I hang with her and her hubby, but there are still instances where she doesn't want to leave them at home and it's STILL a pain after all these years.

Appreciate all the advice. I don't think she would be totally offended but KidFreeLuvnLife hit the nail on the head. It's just no fun because the parents are always yelling at the kid to stop doing something which usually happens right in the middle of my sentence. I have the same problem with my sister and her kids but at least with my sister I can tell her that the constant interruption while I'm trying to talk to her is annoying and to please call me when she has some time to chat WITHOUT the kids around. Shoot, half the time I tell her to put the offending child on the phone and I bitch at them for interrupting. Honestly, she did get pissed at me for saying that but I told her I didn't really care and that it was rude to call someone and spend 90% of the time talking or yelling at your kids.

Anyway, I guess the best thing is to suggest we go get drinks at an establishment where you can't bring little kids. I like the idea of making it seem like it is helping her and giving her time away from the kids. Think I'll try this and see what happens.

It's so weird to me that mothers will bring their children EVERYFUCKWHERE.

Why would you make a child with someone who you didn't trust to help care for it in the first place?

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

Yeah, I will NEVER understand why the sperm donor cant watch the kids for at least a fucken hour.

I am on both sides when it comes to giving things to kids for entertainment. The parents should be required to do those things. DVDs are cheap and would keep a child entertained; however, I have been there with the "I've seen this" or "I wanna see something ELSE" attitudes. When going to a childed person's place, it is harder because the parents think their kids are so cute and should be part of grown-up talk. I miss the days when a child was told to keep quiet during visits unless spoken to directly. I worked with one guy in 1998 who had a friend who was that way with her kids. That is as extinct as dinosaurs.

we had kids over that broke one of our snowdomes i told the parents that it would cost $4000 to replace there reaction was WHAT. i said yeh 2 return airfares to san francisco that was 6 months ago they have not been back since