Blogger Bashed for Saying Wives Need to 'Stay Hot' for Their Husbands

I can see both sides with this.

Yeah, it's important to take care of your health and appearance, not just for your spouse but for yourself. On the other hand, there are guys who expect women to shit out multiple children in succession, raise them basically alone AND keep a perfect figure. That's not exactly fair.

Bodies change as we age. Metabolism slows. Having kids intensifies this process. That doesn't mean you stop trying though. Moos need to be better about taking time for themselves and demanding help from their dud husbands. Too many women lose their identities after sprogging, which is a choice. Don't take on more than you can handle or you'll end up miserable and fat. Stress causes cortisol release, which leads to weight gain. Poor sleep makes you eat more. All these things are consequences of being a stressed out, sleep deprived parent. It's not just about counting calories and exercising. You have to make time for relaxation and sleep too. Moms can reduce this burden by asking for help from their babydaddies.

If you chose to breed with an absentee dad who refuses to help, that's on you. If you had more kids than you can reasonably raise, that's also on you. At the end of the day, your health and appearance are largely your responsibility.

I don't think self-concept can be divorced from societal concept for one's respective identity group clearly and entirely. When the topics are such charged ones as women's bodies and beauty, it's hard to see how we could be sure to have come to conclusions that are entirely free from societal influence, especially when they more-or-less fall in line with societies' concepts of how women should be.

I can tell you that if I lived as a hermit, I would not give a flying fuck how I looked. I'm pretty sure I would care about hygiene because I don't like how being dirty, smelly or just unwashed feels, but I would absolutely not paint my face, pluck my eyebrows, do my hair for more than hygiene and practical purposes or dress to look appealing. I'd be happy using a mirror only to check for signs that my health is off. That's all I would need in regard to 'looks'. Anything more I do now is because it is expected of me as a woman by society, and I need to live in it.

There have been times when I didn't have the time and energy to do much about my appearance. I was always clean and fully dressed. Basically all that is expected of men. But I can tell you - I got treated much worse. I do more now, but it does take time, and I resent it because it's not a productive and worthwhile thing to spend my time on grooming beyond what is needed for hygiene reasons. My day only has 24 hours - I'd love to spend what little time I have to myself more productively and not waste my energy. But I also want to be treated well. And as a woman, I'm not treated well if I don't go above and beyond. (I'm not one of those people who can get up and look ready to walk the red carpet, but there are few people like that anyway. Most spend hours upon hours on grooming.)

And that's part of the point of the beauty imperative, isn't it? Making women do unpaid work to just be 'enough'. To always have them do more for the same result (being treated reasonably well, in this case). All the unpaid time I spend on hair and even little makeup before I leave the house is really work that society requires of me if I want to be seen and treated as (almost, I am a woman after all) fully human and worthy of being taken seriously. And then there's the part of repairs duing the day and then taking it down afterwards. It all takes time and effort, it's not paid, and it's only done to not be treated as 'less-than'. Men can just shower and put clothes on. Dressing well or being stylish are a plus for them (sometimes), but it's not a basic requirement at all. They're all set being clean and showing up.

I find it irrefutable that the concept of femininity, more than masculinity, is a production. You add things, you can't just be without exposing yourself to the repercussions that being incongruent with a societal concept brings for those who aren't in a position of power. And that production takes time and effort and it costs money. The production is increasingly outsourced. Beauticians (eyebrows, anyone?), hairdressers, nail salons and spa treatments of all places. Preemptively: yes, men go to all of those places. Not as many, it doesn't cost them as much when they do because they 'need' to have less done, and, most importantly, it doesn't harm them if they don't, with the possible exception of never getting their hair cut. Wrinkles help rather than harm them: rather, they're seen as distinguished, experienced. Compare that to the default 'old hag' for women.

The beauty imperative is just another way to control women, and it's no coincidence that it started becoming ever more extreme just at the time that women successfully pushed for more rights. Now, the societal imperative is trying to hide in plain sight by personalisation and the myth of individual preference: billions of individual women wanting to look 'their best' 'for their partners' or 'for themselves'. 'How can you blame them, lay off them!!'. Admittedly, going for the easier target is a lot less work than taking a long, hard look at expectations and self-concepts.

The concept of female beauty has become blown way out of proportion and gone to extremes. No make up, not dressed fashionably enough? Slob! Not going to extremes to hide signs of normal (!) aging? She lets herself go! If that's paired with a bit more weight, it's taken as a sure sign that she's lost the plot. Well, maybe she decided not to follow the plot in the first place.

Healthy living and the current concept of female beauty do not match up and in many cases, they're at odds with each other. There's the extreme thinness, harmful beauty products and the stress associated with literally keeping up appearances.

The best thing to be said for women who expect women to conform to current beauty standards is that they're damned if they do and damned if they don't, so there's really no choice. Except that perhaps they could keep their mouths shut if all they're doing is reinforcing sexism. And therefore, I can't get behind proactively telling women to 'stay hot' for their husbands. (Btw: only for husbands?) If people must take up an issue, this is a very strange and questionable choice.

Quote
whiskysnob

The best thing to be said for women who expect women to conform to current beauty standards is that they're damned if they do and damned if they don't, so there's really no choice. Except that perhaps they could keep their mouths shut if all they're doing is reinforcing sexism. And therefore, I can't get behind proactively telling women to 'stay hot' for their husbands. (Btw: only for husbands?) If people must take up an issue, this is a very strange and questionable choice.

The couples themselves should decide. And really, they're the only ones that can decide, anyway.

If they want to eat fast food 24/7 and deal with weight gain and health problems down the line, then let them. Their bodies and their wallets will pay the price. If they want to live a healthier lifestyle and "stay hot," that's the wiser of the two choices.

Both parties should be honest with each other prior to the marriage in terms of what their expectations are. Some people will be uncomfortable with a lot of weight gain from their spouse, and if that's the case, they're better off not marrying someone who eats a lot of garbage and doesn't exercise. And vice versa.

Quote
whiskysnob


The beauty imperative is just another way to control women, and it's no coincidence that it started becoming ever more extreme just at the time that women successfully pushed for more rights. Now, the societal imperative is trying to hide in plain sight by personalisation and the myth of individual preference: billions of individual women wanting to look 'their best' 'for their partners' or 'for themselves'. 'How can you blame them, lay off them!!'. Admittedly, going for the easier target is a lot less work than taking a long, hard look at expectations and self-concepts.

The concept of female beauty has become blown way out of proportion and gone to extremes. No make up, not dressed fashionably enough? Slob! Not going to extremes to hide signs of normal (!) aging? She lets herself go! If that's paired with a bit more weight, it's taken as a sure sign that she's lost the plot. Well, maybe she decided not to follow the plot in the first place.

So is anyone being forced to "look their best?" The answer is no. People of both sexes have the freedom to do whatever they choose. Some people want to maximize their personal appearance, not only by keeping fit but by dressing well, too. Other people are quite slovenly and unkempt.

If a guy or gal hits the gym all of the time and fitness and appearance are their thing... what's wrong with that? And what's wrong with them expecting a partner who shares that same interest?

As I see it, dressing well isn't that hard to do and remains independent of your age and looks. It can enhance a person's professional life and may impact their overall attitude and demeanor as well.

From the article

Quote

The newlywed cites April Masini, "a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert and author. "There's no question about it: men are visual – at all ages – and they want you to look attractive, and they want their friends to be jealous."

This is great advice if you live your life as if you're in the movie Shallow Hal. *sigh*

I wish someone would inform bimbo bloggers how to determine what is a reliable source of information. Pro tip, April Masini is NOT a 'relationship expert' or an expert on anything at all. You know who IS a relationship expert? Dr. John Gottman. He has been studying marriage for over 40 years.

Nowhere in his comprehensive advice, which is, in fact, a HOW TO manual for marriage, is "staying hot" mentioned.