Life advice for our younger members

I'd like to start a thread of advice I'd wished I'd received as a childfree person in my 20's and early 30's. And if there's anyone over 60 who'd like to share their life wisdom with the midlife crisis crowd, I'd love to hear that too!

I'll start:

- Don't worry about the small stuff including people harassing you about having kids. You'll hit middle age soon enough and the dissenting voices will grow quieter. Stuff you worry about now, you most likely won't give a second thought to in five years' time.

- Start saving for retirement early. The more you put away in your 20's, the more it will grow as you get older. If you don't know which mutual funds to choose, go with an index fund (usually a fund with stock in all the companies of the Fortune 500) Your money will effortlessly work for you.

- Unfortunately your mid-forties and beyond is the time you will start encountering health scares and concerns. Minimize your risks by eating well and taking care of yourself while you're young. And if you avoid facial tanning, you will look years younger than your children peers - even though I'm no model I've found my youthful looks to be an advantage n social situations and the workplace.

-Losing your parent(s)will give you a different perspective on life and acutely make you aware of your own mortality. Cherish these years with them if you're close or completely cut them out of your life if they're toxic. Life's too short to be miserable.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

Thank you, but I already knew all this. I'm going through my on-again off-again quarter life crisis that started last year.

Great advice!

I am in the category 30+ so I don't have much to contribute.
I found one piece of advice on a CF board in my native language:
"Be aware of the fact that the older you are, the less time and energy
you will have to accomplish something. Use your resources wisely."

What a great topic and an opportunity to pontificate, which you know 54-year-old-me can't pass up.

My financial advice:

1. live below your means. Don't wait to save because it will never come. I've known people who make $200,000 who are financial idiots and people who make $50,000 who live decently.

2. Hide money from yourself. Yank the money out of your account before you ever see it so living on less becomes a habit. If you have a 401k, and a company match, it's free money and you should be taking advantage of that. (More important for the CF--no tax deductions.) My 401k goes into index funds, not a particular company stock and they match 5%. Because my 401k is not tied to a particular stock, I max out and have been since 1993. If you do the math, I'm in pretty good shape for retirement. Oh, and it goes without saying that you should never borrow from it unless you are seriously ill or it's a true emergency. I have known idiots who make $100,000 a year, and they live in places where good housing costs $150,000-200,000 and the cost of living is low, yet they raid their 401(k) regularly. The same goes with home equity. I know a moron who suddenly saw all this "equity" in the housing boom. (Translation: values were over-inflated) So she took out a home equity loan for a tummy tuck and boob job. You want to own your house free and clear some day. Home equity is not free money.

I live in a moderately expensive area, and I managed to afford 20% down on my first house. It took a long time and diligent saving, but i did it.

I send money into an investment/emergency fund, been doing it for ages and I have a vacation fund and another saving account too. I make sure the money goes to into accounts that aren't particularly easy to access. (No debit card.) If you have a car payment, after you are finished paying off the car, put the payment automatically into savings so when you have to replace the car, you'll have a bigger down payment or can pay cash.

3. Separate your paycheck from your checking account. It's human nature to see what's in the checking account and feel rich and your wants start cropping up. I deposit what's left of my paycheck after deductions into a savings account that's tied to my checking account. I transfer twice a month. That way, I get a quick and dirty idea of what I'm spending.

4. You can dribble through a lot of money and not get satisfaction for it. Figure out what really gives you pleasure and cut to the bone what doesn't give you value.

All the self-denial in my 20's-30s and 40's has paid off now. I can indulge my wants, but I'm still careful. I never had a pedicure until I was over 50. I like them now and I wait until the place I like has special and I use a groupon. I color my own hair and get professional highlights so it only looks expensive.

I go to a medi-spa where I get laser treatments for my face and body. I buy them on Black Friday when they are 75% off. I buy clothes on sale whenever possible. Stay out of the fake nail thing--it's bloody expensive and terrible for your nails. Same with eyelashes.

Oh, and to add what Hannigan said about aging....women typically age a lot between 40 and 50 and beyond. Do not fritter away tons of money on nail, hair and face crap when you are in your 20's and 30's. In your 20's and 30's you look good because you are young. Put some money in sunscreen or you will kick yourself later, but save your beauty money for when you really need intervention, when you are 40+ or 50+, particularly if you want to stay employed. Age discrimination in the job market is a very real thing after age 40. It's sad our culture values youth, but it does. That's another reason to save your money when you are young and your earnings are higher---the only job you can get after age 40 may require belt-tightening.

Some of this is frivolous, but the best reason to save money is freedom. Because I had saved my money and had no kids, I was able to leave a job I hated and go into a field I liked better, even though it meant making less money. I worked with people who had kids and obligations and they spent every dollar they made, so they had no other option than to stay in a miserable job. Earnings wise, I eventually caught back up. It took about 8 years, but it was worth it. Life is too short to do what you hate. Sometimes you have to suck it up, but if you save your money and live below your means, you won't have to do it forever.

Other advice:

Take care of your body. Garbage in, garbage out.

Stop giving a shit what people think. People who are pressuring you to sprog just want you to be stuck like they are. Life is about the long haul--I've known people who told me having kids was the greatest thing evar, and they got all kinds of social validation, yet 10-15 years later they were divorced, broke and/or miserable. Think for yourself and know yourself.

Do not believe that old age is automatically suck-y. I recently read a quote from Jane Fonda. She said aging only looks scary from the outside. This is a great time of life for me and it's no accident. Not having brats just keeps paying dividends. I look at my friends who are haggard and broke, and 90% of these problems are due to children and grandchildren.

Never underestimate the impact your family had on you. It it was bad, get some therapy but don't stay with a therapist who lets you linger in self-pity. Read a lot of books if you were raised by idiots. My parents looked prosperous, but my mom is an emotional idiot. Be willing to entertain the notion that not everybody lives like that and there are other ways to live your life. (12 step programs are helpful if there was alcohol or substance abuse.) Confront your parents and de-mystify them. They are just people and people make mistakes. It wasn't about you.

It's taken me a lot of work, but I live in a peaceful house now. I'm much happier than my mom ever was. I'm also learning and growing and there is room for fun and healthy hobbies in my life. Fun is under-rated.

Relationships:

It takes at least 2-3 years to get to know someone. I've had two failed marriages. I dated #1 (brief starter marriage) for a ridiculously short period of time (6 months---MADNESS) and #2 for a year and it wasn't long enough. I've been with #3 for 15+ years. He's that spectacular, NMNK, CF, or I never would have considered getting married again. I dated him for four years. Surprises are only good in the movies.

Make sure the person you are with is disciplined and can delay gratification, in other words, is a grownup. There are a lot of people who are running around in grown-up bodies but they are emotional children. Look at their life and see how they conduct themselves. Do they pay their bills? How do they relate to you when they are tired or stressed? When you have a disagreement, are you able to talk it out like reasonable people? And under no circumstances should you stay with someone who lies or has anger issues or substance abuse issues. Eventually they will lie to you, humiliate or hit you or sacrifice the relationship for the addiction. It's never worth it.

Thanks guys, I didn't want to come across as condescending but I wish I had a childfree mentor telling me this shit when I was 21.

Also, particularly for our female members - you will never look as good as you do in your 20s and 30s, so stop beating yourself up and get laid as much as possible...if that's your thing. You'll look back and see you really were a hot piece of ass.

Having said that, aging has given me confidence I never had while growing up and feeling inferior to others. It's the great equalizer and no one escapes it! I just get to ride it out with a fuller bank account and no grandsprogs taking up my time.

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"[GFG's pregnancy is] kind of like at the stables where that one dumb, ugly-ass mare broke out of her corral one day and got herself screwed by the equally fugly colt that was due to be gelded the same afternoon."- Shiny

I haven't quite reached the ripe old age of 30 yet, so I don't know how worldly my experiences will be. But here goes:

1. Don't go to college unless you absolutely have to. It's shoved down young people's throats that college is the only thing they can do once they get out of high school, but the fact of the matter is there are far fewer careers out there than there are grads, meaning that you could wind up a hundred grand in the hole and have to try to figure out how to pay off those loans on a $10-an-hour salary. If your desire to go to college is overwhelming when it's not necessary, consider community college or trade school - if you wind up in debt and a job that doesn't pay enough, at least you won't be in as much debt. There is nothing wrong with being a janitor or a truck driver.

2. Don't ever grow up. Now, don't mistake this for "don't become an adult." Physically, you have no choice. Mentally, emotionally and financially, yes, be responsible when you must. But the societal definition of "maturity" seems to be "become a boring stick in the mud once you reach a certain age." Don't take life too seriously - have fun, be silly, do "immature" things and laugh, regardless of how old you get. It can be a coping mechanism at times too. Sometimes I think being able to find humor in a humorless situation has been the only thing that kept me going at times.

1. If you can train or develop a skillset while still very young (even if it isn't your life ambition) it may serve you well while everyone else you know is working minimum wage and hating it. It can also help you live while attending college (or if your current job is phased out) if that is what you want to do.

2. If you decide to marry and realize you are the only one willing to make an effort in the relationship, get an annulment immediately. It isn't going to get better with time passing. If the person you married completely changes virtually overnight just get out, even if you knew him/her for years beforehand. I wasted nearly three years of my life in this situation. I have a friend who wasted 17 years of his life in this situation (he wouldn't leave because of the kids, both of whom he mostly nurtured and raised).

3. Don't date or marry a spendthrift or addict. Even if you are the most responsible person in the world you could waste years of your life paying for their actions. I have a sister in law who expects a new car (costing $50K or more) every couple of years yet has never earned more than minimum wage or waitress tips.

4. Make a habit of creating a paper trail to keep others accountable: If you visit the doctor make sure the concerns are in writing on your chart. If you have an issue at work be sure the concerns are also in writing. Hopefully you will not need to seek legal counsel but if you do there is a paper trail and that is one of the qualifier questions you'll be asked. Also, if trouble does brew keep a record of dates and notes.

5. Refrain from buying a new car every two - three years. Either buy new and keep it as long as possible or do the research and buy used. Also, don't skimp on maintenance.

I don't have much to add but I would say, when you are young and trying to get a career, try to stay away from the food service industry if at all possible. Every line of work has complaining breeders, but I found it particularly bad working in restaurants. Because it is a "job of desperation" a lot of young people who have screwed up by having kids too early end up working at restaurants and fast food and (I guess) "misery loves company" there is constant complaining about money, hours, exes, pregnancy, kids, etc. Worse, they don't just complain they SCREAM about it! The "back of the house" is a screaming hellhole, at the "front of the house" there are petty games. I think if Gdd sent me to hell, it would be in a commercial kitchen. If you are in food service, try to get out as soon as possible. It can be really discouraging to hear all the super loud complaining.

Ultimately the only person you have to prove something to is the hypercritical son of a bitch in the mirror.

1. You are always to hard on yourself
2. Meet your maslow's basics first
3. fall in love with someone you can live with, not someone you can't live without.

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“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

Ok my two cents. This is the stuff I wish someone had told me thirty years ago:
- Change is the only constant, so don't be afraid of it.
- As long as you have your health, you can recover from almost anything. This doesn't mean you won't have regrets, feel pain or that some actions don't have the best consequences, but life has a way of moving forward, so just move with it.
- You will probably not regret the time you spent looking at sunsets, playing with your pet and spending time with the people you really love, so do as much of that as you can.
- Don't become physically scared when your body starts to age. Continue to do things that are a little scary physically: learn to ski if you don't know how, or learn to ride or simply jump out of swing or turn a cartwheel in your front yard like you used to do when you were a kid.
- Always wear sunscreen.
- Continue to learn new things.It's tempting to just go deeper into what you already know, but learning something new keeps your mind and body open.
- Judge people by what they do, not what they say. This will seriously save you a lot of headaches and likely, self-doubt.
- Be honest with yourself about what you want out of life and act on it, as long as it's legal. You won't be happy by denying what you want or who you are.
- It's corny, but you really are the sum of your choices. So own your choices, and you'll own your life.

I've been thinking about this thread. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to disregard the advice on aging because my mom is 48 without wrinkles or greys. She still has a taut face without age spots and her natural, vibrant red hair. My dad is 61 and without wrinkles, but has grey hair. My dad has no health problems at his age and healthy and strong. My parents never use sunscreen either. I'm the only one in the house who uses it.

I have something to add.

1. Everything in life is transient.
2. Life is unpredictable, so don't plan for the far future but still plan short term.
3. Never stop learning.
4. Our small, benign choices can cause a chain reaction for the future, I can list my small decisions of my life that had major chain effects. I just experienced a chain reaction this year from a benign choice that I made. I never would have dreamed that it would cause this outcome. The final outcome is still pending. I don't want to ramble on about my life story. Note: benign is my neologism for something that is harmless or insignificant.
5. Be you and don't follow what everybody else is doing. Everybody else is too concerned about themselves to pay attention to you anyways. My example is buying the newest iphone when your "obsolete" one works just fine or buying that big screen TV when the one you have works just fine. I still have my TV from 2002 and it works great.
6. Never stop asking questions. I asked a lot of questions at school which my teachers admired me for. I still ask a lot of questions in online or in real life especially on the job.
7. Live every day to be your last because you don't know what drastic changes that tomorrow might bring.
8. Life has endless possibilities and variables. Never stop thinking about them. I still dwell about my past mistakes, choices, and the what ifs.
9. If you can't say anything nice don't say it at all (unless it's an anonymous web forum.)
10. Be nice to everybody, and you will be well liked the in real world not high school. I'm probably the youngest regular here.
11. Working hard doesn't always pay off, but it certainly can.
12. Treat others as you want to be treated.

It seems like I don't have the edit option anymore, but I have more to add.

1.Your life maybe short in the scheme of the universe, but it's the longest thing you will do.
2. It's never to late for anything.
3. Nothing in life is forever enjoy it when you can.
4. Count your blessings. I'm thankful that I don't live in Raqqa Syria.
5. Be thankful because many people don't have modern first world conveniences.
6. You may be one person and cannot change the world, but you can certainly make a difference even if it's small.
7. Make the most of your life.

Oh, I've got a good one! Learn when to keep your opinion to yourself. This skill often doesn't come to people until well after their brain finishes maturing, which I hear today is older than I ever imagined when I was young, 28-30 in a most cases.

Ever meet a young person who thinks their opinion means a lot just because they have one? It's a real problem for a lot of people. Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. 3:-)

One thing I have learned about people: If somebody likes to brag about how moral, ethical, or honest they are, they are ALWAYS doing something they should not be doing. If they are not doing something illegal they are doing something immoral. No exceptions. Guaranteed.

Quote
ondinette
One thing I have learned about people: If somebody likes to brag about how moral, ethical, or honest they are, they are ALWAYS doing something they should not be doing. If they are not doing something illegal they are doing something immoral. No exceptions. Guaranteed.

Sounds like breeders.

Not quite yet 60 but will be 50 next year (if I make it) so here is my two-cents on the subject.

Regarding retirement:

You're childfree. You are not a sheeple, and can thus afford to put some original thinking into where you and your SO would like to retire.

So here are the very best states in the United States of America to retire to:

1. Arizona. Tucson is affordable, warm, very mild winters, a college city, friendly people,

2. New Mexico. Warm and affordable in many places.

3. Wyoming. The land is just awesome, and many places are affordable.

4. North Carolina. Very nice in the mountains, with a decent climate most of the year.

5. South Carolina. Decent climate, affordable towns.



AVOID moving to FloriDuh.

1. Your car insurance rates will skyrocket (like mine did) to all of the fucking retard drivers down here (FL is actually known as the Idiot Driver State)

2. Your property insurance will be very expensive.

3. Unbelievably high rate of crime in most cities.

4. The Zombie apocalypse. Austin Harrouff is the latest zombie down here.

5. Florida is also known as "The Asshole State" - Lee Marvin's father testified so when he and young Lee lived down here in Lakeland.(Point Blank, by Dwayne Epstein)

6. You do not want to be geezing in your old age. Outside of Orlando there is little to do down here except geez.

if you get married have a no kids policy at your wedding and DO NOT CHANGE IT, no matter who is trying to guilt you. if people want to bring their brats uninvite them. I did and our wedding was awesome.

this isn't necessarily a CF thing but if you think there is even a remote chance you will be caring for your parents as they age, get all paperwork in place while they are healthy: POA, living will, will, etc. it will make your life so much easier when the time comes and you have to take over. my mother died recently from a long battle with alzheimers and having all that paperwork in place ahead of time made things easier for me to do what needed to be done.

just remember, if you don't have kids you probably won't leak when you sneeze or cough

I agree with a number of points: take care of your body, don't grow up, don't worry about what others think, and don't waste time with people who treat you badly.

I think I am better off than most people my age because I minimize my stress. Unhappy in work? Change jobs or career. Unhappy with my location? Move. Unhappy in your relationship? Break up. Of course I'm capable of enduring unpleasant situations for a future payoff (or when there is genuinely no alternative), but I see nothing wrong with changing your circumstances when there is no advantage in continuing as you are except that people will think you're "responsible" and "mature". Endurance seems overrated as a positive trait.

Over the years I have found it generally worth it to buy fewer things of higher quality (especially clothing). It's cheaper in the long run and I like not being a massive consumer. Happiness at having the latest lasts a really short time, so I go with "if it ain't broken, don't replace it." That gives me more money for things that give me greater enjoyment, like replacing things that are broken, holidays, and career changes.

In personal relationships, never do something at the beginning of a relationship that you aren't willing to do for the duration of the relationship. In other words, don't deal out your best card at the beginning.

Because I had low self esteem and due to the influences of the family I grew up in, I was pretty needy. I used to start relationships knocking myself out to impress people because I thought I had to do it to keep people hanging around. (Painful to admit, but true.) Unsurprisingly, I attracted abusive people and users.

Now I don't do that. I watch and observe and wait for people to show interest and pursue me and I evaluate THEM and ask myself if I want to be with THEM. I'm all about boundaries and limits. I'm not that needy of company, frankly, and I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is unsuitable.

First impressions are just that, first impressions. They can be a source of information, but It takes many interactions to truly know a person. You need to see them when they are tired or stressed and when they aren't getting what they want. Do they take it out on other people, or do they accept responsibility, form a plan and move on?

If you don't invest too much and keep things light, you won't get burned if someone turns out to be not who you thought they were.

I had a lot of things to overcome, but I would tell my younger self, work on yourself and enjoying your own company, regardless of what everyone else is doing. Higher self esteem doesn't come from being told you are wonderful 24x7. (Note to lurking Moos.) Self esteem only comes from knowing you can rely on yourself and you can survive any situation. It comes from making gutsy choices where you are true to yourself.

When I started getting healthier, I also realized that breakups aren't a bad thing. Needy people cling onto situations. Breaking up with a job or a situation or a romantic partner can be life affirming because you are saying that something isn't acceptable to you and you want better.

Terry Gorski, who is actually a substance abuse counselor, also said something that resonated with me. It's a sign of health to be able to break up with someone in a non-nasty way and get them out of your life. Learn to say no. No need to scorch the Earth, just get out if it's not working for you. I also recommend his books if you grew up in a family that was dysfunctional, particularly if there was substance or sexual abuse. Also a book called "An Adult's Guide to What's Normal" can be helpful.

Advice I wish I could give to 21 year old me

If you get married or have any event where you specify no brats kick out the breeders when they show up with brats in tow. I regret not kicking the breeders out of our wedding reception, but made it clear to Takeo under no circumstances are they invited to our gatherings. Permanently scratch breeders from your invite list.

Time and money are finite be careful how you spend both.

Relationships are a two way street, if you're doing all the work to maintain the relationship drop the rope and see if the other party contacts you.

Find a support group either online or real life for a Childfree group that also shares your level of childfreedom.

Remember as a Childfree person you're on your own. Plan accordingly. Put away money for retirement, emergencies, the Oh Shit! fund for sudden unplanned expenses, and the abortion fund will save your life. Make time and money for fun but not at the expense of the future.

Ask yourself: "Who am I trying to impress?"