All your children cut contact? You probably deserved it.

A woman moans to an advice columnist that all three of her adult children cut contact in a coordinated move.

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letter writer
The vehemence and hatred has shocked me. I love my children so much and need them like I need air to breathe. I had a breakdown as the kids blocked me from all email, Facebook, SMS accounts, etc, so I have no way of communicating with them. It’s broken my heart.

Quite a few people in the comments seem to have picked up on the language of that paragraph. Even Mariella, who is generally pretty breeder-friendly, hinted, "However, if there are any shades of grey you won’t be helping your cause by sticking rigidly to your version of the story." It's nice to see, amid the support for the letter writer, a fair amount of recognition of where the fault likely lies:

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comments
I think the letter writer is grandiose, self pitying and profoundly narcissistic. To alienate all your offspring and cast yourself as the victim? That takes some talent.

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comments
The original letter contained red flags pointing at a manipulative, delusional and narcissistic personality.

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comments
She comes across as incredibly narcissistic. That all three of her adult offspring have severed contact with her, that there isn't any dissenting sibling, suggests that she has alienated all her offspring. And she doesn't appear to grasp that she might need to look inwards to resolve this problem

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comments
The clue to this in the letter is the writer's 'me, I, my', talking about 'MY feelings' and 'MY broken heart' and never once showing the tiniest concern for her children's pain or any curiosity about their perspective on the problems she caused for them. She actually doesn't say anything about her children beyond HER views and feelings, suggesting that maybe she 'loves' them as sources of narcissistic supply, but does not value them as human beings.

One thing that confuses me sometimes is in the example of the last posted comment on here, thru therapy etc, you're always told to focus on yourself and not the other person or others in general, not to speculate their thoughts etc. So here she does that, and it looks narcissistic. Plus, unless she's holding back, guessing about the kids' motivation isn't going to help her situation.

Years ago, I read Toxic Parents, and it even says, if you confront and open the discussion with your parents, they may deny anything and everything that ever happened. This is common, she thinks she did nothing wrong, no matter what she did.

But I think this is actually common in divorce situations. Right or wrong, sometimes one parent is successful in twisting the story and getting the kids on one side or the other.

It sounds as if Mama is now a sugar mama to some loafer and the kids aren't happy she's trying to raid their father's pension to fund toy boy's lifestyle.

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cfuter
One thing that confuses me sometimes is in the example of the last posted comment on here, thru therapy etc, you're always told to focus on yourself and not the other person or others in general, not to speculate their thoughts etc. So here she does that, and it looks narcissistic. Plus, unless she's holding back, guessing about the kids' motivation isn't going to help her situation.

Well, she could have said something like "I am saddened by the experience and want to understand the cause of their feelings." Instead, she talks about needing them like air, which is hyperbole and looks to me like virtue signaling.

I'm going with the other commenters thinking she is a raging personality disorder, as her letter is dripping with external locus of control, splitting and manipulation. I deal with these nightmares every day, and she sounds identical to bullshit excuses, and desperate blame shifting/absolution for disgusting behaviour, that they never seem to be able to own up to.

Something is monumentally screwed if ALL of her adult children live in another country, and cut off ALL contact after communicating their hatred towards her. Again, most if not all, kids of raging PD parents would garner these very intense feelings towards their parent(s).

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cfuter
One thing that confuses me sometimes is in the example of the last posted comment on here, thru therapy etc, you're always told to focus on yourself and not the other person or others in general, not to speculate their thoughts etc. So here she does that, and it looks narcissistic. Plus, unless she's holding back, guessing about the kids' motivation isn't going to help her situation.

Focusing on one's self, is a form of therapy whereby one takes a step back to evaluate and examine the issues. The problem is that raging narcissists don't believe anything is wrong with them, as it's everyone else's fault, not theirs - so they simply don't believe in or even want to change. If they try and fake it for the sake of trying to manipulate others, they usually come off sounding fake and self-serving - which is what she sounds like. As many here mentioned, nothing in her post even shows a modicum of consideration for her own children, as it's all about her, which bolsters the view that she doesn't see them as anything than a tool to use for her own personal gains.

I have never heard of virtue signaling, but this is exactly what my MIL does, and I had trouble explaining it to people, and I most definitely can't tell my husband. My MIL wants to be like the bestest Grandmoo, but from where I stand she doesn't do it for the kids, she does it for herself so everyone can see her intentions and think she's the bestest Grandmoo. I really dont think she does anything to be nice...she does it so people will say she's so nice. I have a friend who does the same thing, altho I would say she really goes thru a lot more effort to do things for people, but it does seem many times for over the top attention. People really fall for it tho, hook line and sinker. I see right thru my MIL like cheesecloth, and I honestly don't think it's because I'm biased. Most of the family is like in an enmeshment together. MIL wants to constantly be stroked, and the SILs constantly stroke her so they can get her attention and be the bestest child in the mommie's eye. It's funny, except when it's sad.