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Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!

Posted by clematis 
Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 25, 2008
Pity these poor parents, whose burden is their little snowflake who is just a bit snowier than all the other snowflakes...

"Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have a wonderful daughter. She is kind, funny, articulate, and intelligent. Extremely intelligent. She began speaking in complete sentences before she was 1 and reading when she was 3. She just turned 4. Our problem is that other parents in our social circle seem a bit intimidated by her. Their children are sweet kids, too, but not at the same developmental level as she is. They say things like, "Wow, your daughter just read that sign to me. Little Timmy can't even talk normally. What's wrong with him?" or "My goodness, we are behind! Your daughter is reading, and our kid isn't even potty trained!" It embarrasses us. Yes, she is advanced, but she is still a normal kid. More importantly, there is nothing wrong with their kids! My sister-in-law and her husband are the worst with insulting their own child when they compare our kids. My first instinct is to stick up for their children because it bothers me so much that their parents are insulting them or thinking there is something wrong with them. But when I say something like, "Don't say that. Timmy is a great kid!" this seems to offend the parents. When I say, "Everyone plateaus at the same time," that seems wrong, too. I worry that this comparison behavior will alienate my daughter from her peer group. One family has already begun to avoid us, and our daughter noticed right away. What should I say instead so the parents quit focusing on this and start appreciating how much fun the kids have together?"
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 25, 2008
The question sounds reasonable. It's usually Prudence's answers that don't make sense.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 25, 2008
My advice would be to ignore the other breeders and focus on nurturing your snowflake.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 25, 2008
Oh please...I was also speaking in complete sentences at 1 and reading by 3, and I didn't get special treatment. Kids develop at varying rates and just because one kid can read or talk coherently a week before someone else's kid, it doesn't make that first kid extra-special or advanced.

Either that, or maybe the parents the author interacts with are very lax in the way they raise their kids and those kids are just stupid and are not developing as they should. I mean come on...if the kid in question is reading before someone else's kid is potty-trained, chances are the author's kid is normal and the other kids are falling behind, and the parents of the fallen-behind kids are envious. Who knows.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 25, 2008
Shut up, raise your friggin' snowflake and let the other asshats, who are probably being negligent in their child-rearing practices, deal with the results of said childrearing--or lack thereof.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 26, 2008
I doubt that the other parents would notice the little genius if moomie and duddy were not showcasing her talents in some way or perhaps prodding her to do smart shit in front of people. In my experience, mosts parent are WAY too busy worrying about their own kid(s) and their own needs to pay anyone else much attention. It doesn't sound natural that a parent would berate their own child because another little brat could read a roadsign, so I doubt his story just because of that statement. I think that duddy is looking for or creating problems where none exist. It also sounds suspect when he says that the famblee has been avoiding them because of Smartleigh. My guess is that they are avoiding HIM, not the kyd, because he won't STFU bragging and/or they don't like his condescending attitude.

Instead of his saying,"...Don't berate Timmy, he's a good kid!!!", like he claims, he is PROBABLY saying, "Smartleigh is HIGHLY intelligent and can read, unlike Timmy who still shits his diaper, but he's STILL a good kid!". People like this always seem to take things that were said both by themselves or others out of context and twist it to fit their own needs, lies, hidden agenda, or to manipulate how others perceive them. I bet this man is an asshole.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 26, 2008
Ooh, cutthroat competition at a very early age!eye rolling smiley
Sounds like someone's bragging.
This letter doesn't bother me too much, but why do people let child-related stuff (good or bad) take over their lives where you'd write a letter about it?! Just be inwardly proud and grateful. People DO in fact say things like this though. ....and they're usually jealous because when they see a child like this, all the delusions and things they have told themselves AND others abour how "gifted" or "ahead" there kid is just got blown up.

This even happened with my very own sister (who I've told you all is a PNB, but apparently has this breeder trait nonetheless).... SHE even became deluded or just plain didn't know (because she had NEVER been around kids) that what she thought were super early achievements for her 4 year old were just plain fucking average. Remember, I have been a nanny for MANY years, and have seen the super advanced (my first protege!LOL) and countless other 4 year olds over the years. From the actually gifted to complete remedial dumb asses and all of the average ones in between..

Anyway, on to the story..my sis and I met to take the kids to the museum for the day, and to keep the the two 4 year old girls occupied while we ate, we gave them some paper and pens. (Mind you I do not see my niece but 3 times per year and just always hear how "smart" she is). From what I had observed AND know about typical milestones and the like, she was just simply average, and I never said anything to burst my sis's bubble..but I really wanted to, so I thought I'd let reality do the talking!

Well, my sis tells her daughter (all proud-like) to write her name - like this is some big freaking accomplishment. I did the nice thing and said "good job" and what have you. Even though I couldn't discern any certain letters. Then "my" kid starts writing out an 8 word simple sentence - with perfect penmanship. The look on my sister's face was priceless (and I LIKE my sister A LOT, but it was still funny).

Anyway, this kind of stuff went on throughout the day. My kid spoke like an adult, whereas I seriously can barely understand my niece. Um...My kid said the word "catapult" when telling a story, her kid said "pick-ded" out a book instead of "picked". Even their respective levels of understanding sarcasm as a joke were night and day (we're both really sarcastic people). Needless to say, the difference was glaring.

So, my sis made one of those same type comments from the letter like "damn, and I thought Katherine was smart cause she hit play on the dvd and could somewhat write her name". But why should I have been embarassed, like in the letter? I just said something like, "well, I try not let her watch Barney all day, ha,ha and we read a lot" and laugh it off.

I know it got to her though..for four years she was probably thinking her daughter was Mensa smart or whatever and some random kid that I end up working with blows up that idea and "dream" in 8 hours.
kidlesskim hit the nail on the head with this one, as usual. that was my first reaction on reading the letter too... the families aren't avoiding your "gifted" daughter, they're avoiding your snobbery-disguised-as-benevolent-concern.

as to why they'd bother to write a letter about it? simply to get their boasting out to the widest audience possible! ...the classic attention-whoring behavior.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 26, 2008
Me too, I agree kidlesskim has identified their behavior for what it is: braggery. They're probably really obnoxious about it, too.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 26, 2008
"This even happened with my very own sister (who I've told you all is a PNB, but apparently has this breeder trait nonetheless)"


(My following comment is about people I know in general not your sister who I`m sure is great)

It`s not particularly a breeder trait- some people I know were like this before they had kids and it`s not always their kids their bragging about either. They act like their great because of their kids/car/what they had forlunch/other thing . Self-congratulatory people are like that their whole lives and the ones I know grate on my nerves.
Re: Dear Prudence: It's So Hard Having A Superior Child!
September 26, 2008
I have known very few truly "gifted" children in my life, but the ones I have come into contact with need no introduction. When a parent or grandmoo start in about how their brat is a genius and their first bragging sentence includes one of the following, I am IMMEDIATLEY aware that the child is most likely average, at best:sleeping

1)He can sit up/walk/crawl/has good dexterity/look in my direction/turn his head/ etc...........These are all PHYSICAL things which ALL normal children will do at varying stages and times and are NOT indicative of a higher intellect.
2)He recognizes colors/shapes/people/sounds, etc......Again, very common and all kyds will do it at varying stages. This is "normal" and doesn't require a call to MENSA headquarters
3)He can say his ABC'S/say bible verses/count to ten/say all of the colors/name animals from pictures, etc........These are LEARNED behaviors/skills that a smart and well trained monkey can do. If a kid has average intelligence and is worked with on a regular basis, he can learn these things earlier than some kids, but he is NOT a genius for being able to learn by rote.


In my experience, a child is above average in intelligence when he can do or exhibits the following:

1)He can problem solve, without having to be shown
2)He comprehends things on his own, without having them explained
3)He takes the initiative to explore and ask questions
4)He asks questions which are beyond his years and that he couldn't have possibly yet learned, but he created the idea which led to his curiosity on his own
5)He has a grasp of sarcasm, irony, satire, and abstract ideas when he hears them, he "gets" jokes which are beyond his years

ANY child can learn by rote, mimic, and simply repeat what he has seen and heard. It's kids who actually utilize thinking skills and have a grasp of abstract concepts who are the above average intelligent ones. IMHO. I have some specific examples of what I consider to be demonstrative of an above average intelligence kyd, but I am too lazy to try and remember it and type it all out right now.tongue sticking out smiley
Contrast the "Dear Prudence" mush with this far better response from John Rosemond's well-respected parenting column:

http://www.washingtonpublishers.com/JohnRosemond/07_06_2006_stop_catering_to_precocious_3_year_old.htm

Stop catering to precocious 3-year-old

[6 July 2006]

Q: Our 3-year-old daughter is very, very intelligent for her age. I know all parents think their children are smart but several doctors have told us she is very advanced. When she turned two, she knew her colors, how to count to ten, her ABCs, and was talking like a 5-year-old. She orders her own food at restaurants, and when asked by the waitress how her meal is, she will say “It was splendid! I truly enjoyed it.” She’s so advanced her pre-school teacher took her out of the toddler class and moved her in with the 4’s and 5’s. Our problem is that she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s a child and needs to respect adult authority. She will talk back and use a tone of voice as if we are the children and she is the parent. She recently told my mother that she was the boss of the house, not us. She’s become very demanding about things like what she wants to eat, and needless to say, she doesn’t obey us at all.

A: Whoa! Stop right there! First of all, you're not going to make any progress with this child as long as you think you're dealing with some unique being that represents a quantum evolutionary leap for all of humanity. When all has been said about her intelligence, one fact remains: she is a 3-year-old child. Unfortunately, she is rapidly turning into a 3-year-old insufferable brat, and no one is more insufferable than an insufferable genius.

Your daughter thinks she is an adult? As today’s youth are wont to say, “Duh!” You obviously treat her like she’s an adult! I’ll just bet that letting her order in restaurants is the tip of the iceberg. Does she have her own checking account? If not, the way things are going, she soon will.

My point is that you are reaping nothing short of what you have sown. For at least two years, you’ve crowed over how superior your daughter is, and now she’s acting like she’s superior to everyone, including you. No surprises there. She doesn’t respect authority because you have failed to act like authority figures. The bottom line is that you either have the World’s Most Amazing Child or a child who is obedient and respectful, but you can’t have both.

Q: So what do we do now?

A: Stop treating her like she’s an adult! Take her to a restaurant, and before you go in, let her know that you are doing the ordering, not her. If she doesn’t like it, take her home and serve her beans and franks. Stop letting her make decisions that you would not be letting her make if her IQ was 100. Pick out her clothes for her in the morning, and don’t let her come out of her room until she has put on what you picked out. Don’t ask her what she wants for meals. Serve her what you and your husband are eating and tell her that if she doesn’t want to eat, so be it; she can try again at the next meal. Literally and figuratively, stop catering to her!

In every situation with her, ask yourself, “How would I handle this if my daughter was a normal, run-of-the-mill, garden-variety 3-year-old?” Then treat her that way, and if she doesn’t like it, send her to her room until she’s willing to accept her new reality.

The good news is, she’s still young enough that her rehabilitation shouldn’t take long. Nonetheless, I recommend that you start today, this very minute. If you don’t, it won’t be long before she begins insisting that you let her drive.
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