Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 10, 2018 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 344 |
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Q. I pressured my husband to have kids and now I am being cut out: When I first met my husband, he made it clear that he never wanted children. I know it was wrong of me, but I wore him down: Seven years ago he became a very reluctant father, and we had another child three years later.
It’s obvious now that we made a terrible mistake. He hates being a parent, finds our children incredibly irritating, and resents me for it. He’s too good a man for them to be aware of his distaste and discomfit, but kids are like cats and the more distant and reserved he is toward them, the more eager they have grown for his attention. They worship him and barely acknowledge me, which pains both of us.
I’m jealous of their affection for him and pained by the fact that all three of them hate me. Am I stuck like this forever? I sometimes feel I should get a divorce, but he doesn’t want custody and my kids don’t want to be around me. Is there any way my marriage can be saved? Or have I screwed everything up completely?
A: I don’t think there’s a marriage to be saved here, so much as an uneven and unpleasant co-parenting relationship. He does not love your children and resents you; you are consumed with remorse and anxiety and desperation. If you’re able to afford it, I think you would both benefit immensely from a couples counselor, even if only to figure out how to divorce as kindly and respectfully as possible. Divorce may seem unattractive because you believe if your husband weren’t forced to live with his children, he would never want to see them, but as they grow up, they’re going to realize one way or another if he truly hates being around them and only does it because he has to.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 10, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,364 |
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lurker-derp
This. This is what happens when men don't wear condoms and simply trust their baby-rabid wife to handle all the birth control. Am I blaming the man entirely? If they'd stopped at one kid, I'd say no; mistakes happen - as do intentional 'oopsies' - but to have a second kid? I feel for men having so little option regarding birth control, however, if one 'accident' happened, you'd think he'd be a little more careful.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 10, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,062 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 10, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,364 |
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cfdavep
I have no idea how, if he feels that way about kids, that he can hide it that well.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 10, 2018 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,712 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,434 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 585 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,635 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,364 |
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randomcfchick
** I do think that, due to gender roles & how males/females are socialized, there are a lot of guys out there who, deep down, don't really care one way or the other about kids & could take it or leave it, but have twigged to the fact that wanting kids is seen as a positive, productive, strong thing.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,835 |
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kittehpeoples
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randomcfchick
** I do think that, due to gender roles & how males/females are socialized, there are a lot of guys out there who, deep down, don't really care one way or the other about kids & could take it or leave it, but have twigged to the fact that wanting kids is seen as a positive, productive, strong thing.
^^
I think most men truly don't want kids, or are at least indifferent to it.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 11, 2018 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 9,973 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 12, 2018 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 9,199 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 12, 2018 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,712 |
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mumofsixbirds
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kittehpeoples
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randomcfchick
** I do think that, due to gender roles & how males/females are socialized, there are a lot of guys out there who, deep down, don't really care one way or the other about kids & could take it or leave it, but have twigged to the fact that wanting kids is seen as a positive, productive, strong thing.
^^
I think most men truly don't want kids, or are at least indifferent to it.
Yea, I tend to believe this also. I think a lot of men will have kids, just to keep their wives happy. They shut up and deal with it because they don't want to deal with the tantrums and whining.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 12, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 1,367 |
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randomcfchick
** I do think that, due to gender roles & how males/females are socialized, there are a lot of guys out there who, deep down, don't really care one way or the other about kids & could take it or leave it, but have twigged to the fact that wanting kids is seen as a positive, productive, strong thing.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 12, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 7,835 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 12, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,364 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 13, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,434 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 13, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,434 |
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kittehpeoples
Interesting. I've known very few men who talked rabidly about babies the way women do. I do admit that I've managed to somehow surround myself with a surprising number of CF people, though. I don't know if it's the hobbies I've chosen or what, but I was amazed the first time I spoke up among one of my two major peer groups about not wanting children. Most of them didn't, either.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 13, 2018 | Registered: 5 years ago Posts: 132 |
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yurble
While most of the bingos I get are from men, they are middle-aged men with wives and kids.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 13, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 12,434 |
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childfreeadvocate
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yurble
While most of the bingos I get are from men, they are middle-aged men with wives and kids.
They are jealous losers ^^^. When I was late 20s early 30s they were mostly from women. At 33, 34, 35, for whatever reason, it's now the men who are doing it. Always fairly new Dads - jealous I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I've also found certain minorities ask me more than others, probably a cultural thing.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 13, 2018 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 5,635 |
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kman
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randomcfchick
** I do think that, due to gender roles & how males/females are socialized, there are a lot of guys out there who, deep down, don't really care one way or the other about kids & could take it or leave it, but have twigged to the fact that wanting kids is seen as a positive, productive, strong thing.
I'm a guy (obviously), but RandomCFChick is 100% right. Many guys are at best ambivalent about having children, but go along with having them to look better to others or to keep their significant others happy. In the past some employers preferred men with children because they would presumably work harder and longer to provide for the wife and kids. My hunch is those days have long faded, and things have even gone the other way as younger guys now use their kids as an excuse not to work long hours.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 14, 2018 | Registered: 13 years ago Posts: 3,003 |
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 14, 2018 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 344 |
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cassia
In my opinion, the vast majority of the men I have met who wanted kids did not have a clue about how much was involved in having a child.
They mostly had abstracted ideas about it or a few Kodak moments in mind.
Not one had been prepared for the unending drudge-work that would be involved in being a fully involved parent.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 14, 2018 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,364 |
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yurble
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kittehpeoples
Interesting. I've known very few men who talked rabidly about babies the way women do. I do admit that I've managed to somehow surround myself with a surprising number of CF people, though. I don't know if it's the hobbies I've chosen or what, but I was amazed the first time I spoke up among one of my two major peer groups about not wanting children. Most of them didn't, either.
Attrition is a good way to meet people without kids. Once people are a certain age (40ish), if they don't have kids and aren't constantly talking about their struggles to have them, you can be reasonably certain they won't have them.
Re: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. October 14, 2018 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 9,973 |
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cassia
In my opinion, the vast majority of the men I have met who wanted kids did not have a clue about how much was involved in having a child.
They mostly had abstracted ideas about it or a few Kodak moments in mind.
Not one had been prepared for the unending drudge-work that would be involved in being a fully involved parent.
Most of them counted on the mother doing most of the work and being clued in to the really needs of a child.