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Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.

Posted by mumofsixbirds 
Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 12, 2018
I'm about to celebrate my 50th birthday on Monday. I just want to say that not only do I NOT regret not having kids, but I'm happy that I made this decision for myself. I've heard a lot about how I could regret not having kids, grandkids, etc. That I'll die alone, etc., but those were things told to me by other people who chose to breed.

Looking back at my life, times were difficult here and there, but I've managed to use my smarts to avoid some of the shitty pitfalls in life. Sure, I have had things go wrong, but I was able to pick myself up and carry on, learn from my mistakes, never to do them again. I try to help others avoid those painful mistakes if I thought they were about to tread in dangerous territory. I've tried to pay it forward whenever I could, and I didn't need kids to "make me a better person" or "do the right thing" etc. etc.

I also don't regret not having grandkids. I see other people my age and older, and the drama of child-rearing is usually extended to the grandparents. I see a lot of kids using their parents as automatic, free babysitting services, and all I can think is, "I'm glad it's not me."

I'm writing this because I hope to reach out to fence-sitters that may be worried that if they don't have kids, they will end up lonely and bitter. Nothing could be less true. I live my life, day to day, and sure. It's not always perfect, but I can rest easy, knowing I didn't drag another human into the world to fix my problems.

As for dying alone? I doubt it. I have friends and family who love me, and I didn't even have to give birth to them. I can't worry about those things, because it ultimately doesn't matter if you have kids or not. A lot of parents die alone, but they have the added burden of knowing that their kids aren't there. At least I have been able to enjoy the bulk of my life without that extra stress.

Cheers to all the BratFreers out there, especially those of us who have lived whole, wonderful lives and never regretted. I love this forum. It has been a great place to meet people, learn a few things about life, and be able to vent about things that I'd normally be banned from speaking about. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
I turned 55 earlier this year and I have stated many times in different forums (CF and others) that my decision 35 years ago to be CF was by far the best and most important one I made in my entire life. More than my chosen career path, more than where I decide to live, more than the car to buy, even more than my decision to retire 10 years ago. Other than the career choice, all t good things which have happened in my life were due to my being CF.

When I had some health issues 3 years ago which landed me in the hospital for 12 days (I am better now), I had no shortage of visitors to keep me company, from my dad to my ladyfriend to many dancers from my square dance group stopping by. And I had plenty of phone calls, too. I often had to ask the visitors to leave when one of the many doctors stopped by to give me medical updates. Being CF did nothing to stop the level of support I had.

I can't begin to imagine how lousy my life would have been if I had done the Life Script thing and had kids. I'd be so damned miserable.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
I was told once about 25 years ago that my sister (and by implication, I) would be sorry to be CF. My sister is now in her late 60s-- if she's going to start regretting it, she'd better hurry up. winking smiley
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
Everyone seems to think that having kids guarantees that someone will take care of you when you get old and/or that you won't die alone and unloved. Haha, that's a good one. Look in any nursing home and you'll find that they're full of parents who haven't seen their kids in years, probably because they acted like entitled assholes their whole lives and their kids were glad to be rid of them.

Parents seem to think that just because they gave birth to their kids and raised them (even if they did a shitty job of it), those kids are required to love them and repay the favor. Meanwhile, if you have no kids, then the people in your life who love you care about you by choice, not out of any sense of obligation.

My life blows and I hate it, but I can only imagine how much more I'd hate it if I had to take care of a kid on top of everything else. It will never, ever be worth it to me.

Happy early birthday, MO6B! smiling smiley
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
Thanks, Cambion. Hang in there. I just know that things will get better for you...maybe not right now, but in the future.

I don't know if this sort of study has been done yet (or done correctly), but I would love to hear about parental regret vs. non-parental regret and see what the results are.

I've had the great fortune to have a lot of CF friends, and none of them ever seemed to regret their choice to not have kids.

OTOH, I've heard a lot of parents (in my family included) who have complained bitterly to me about how difficult it has been to raise 'em. I've even had one family member tell me that if she could do it all over again, she never would have done it. It has complicated her life beyond measure, and most of the time, she just didn't enjoy it. The good did not outweigh the bad.

Just more confirmation to me that I made a great decision.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
All the best to you, and happy birthday in advance!
Thank you also for all of the inspiring posts, and may the future hold only the best.

Regretting being childfree is not a thing in my opinion. Whoever "regrets it" to begin with, never actually was childfree, but a standard fencesitter.
And people like that just end up sprogging (if biologically or frankenstein-ally possible) and then, once more, regretting the sprog itself, and all the issues it drags along.

And about the "what when youre old"-bingo, I can also just repeat the point about many and full senior homes, same here in germany. And these old people were from a generation where almost everyone yielded to the societal pressure of sprogging - but they still ended up in these horrible places, while the sproggies cash in their belongings. Ya, nice going, breeders.
Sprogging is and always will be a loss-making losing game, and whoever denies it, is lying to oneself.

Cheers!

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Freedom & Art & Music >>>>>>>>>> human spawn

"Music is immortal. People are not."
-William Anger, "King's Story" - Thief2 FM by Zontik
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
Thank you, bastet-the-bass-cat! Sometimes I rant about things, but I try to add a little humor and inspiration into some of my posts. I'm going to be spending my birthday celebrating with the adults I love and care about. My husband is taking off from Friday this week until Christmas Eve, so we can do some fun things together. He only goes to work for the half-day, and then he gets the Christmas holidays off.

We've had some invitations from family and friends to get together for the big 5-0. It's been kind of spread out throughout next week, but I plan on having a lot of fun. I really don't care about birthdays, but this one is kind of a big one. I still look and feel young, but I've developed some wisdom with age that will best serve me in the future.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 12, 2018
Happy Birthday, MO6B! smiling smiley smiling smiley smiling smiley

I'm 55 and I've never once regretted being CF. I find that being older and CF has so many advantages. The main one is being free to do what you want, and when you want it. As for dying, in the end we all die alone, so it is your choice as to what you want to do while alive. I'd rather look back on a life well lived, filled with music, art, travel, learning and thinking. Being on your deathbed, realizing that your kids are already dividing up your estate or having your kids dump you in a shithole retirement home for the final years must be so demoralizing. This is something I will never have to worry about.

Here's to life as a CF woman of a certain age smiling smiley
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 13, 2018
Quote
Peace
Happy Birthday, MO6B! smiling smiley smiling smiley smiling smiley

I'm 55 and I've never once regretted being CF. I find that being older and CF has so many advantages. The main one is being free to do what you want, and when you want it. As for dying, in the end we all die alone, so it is your choice as to what you want to do while alive. I'd rather look back on a life well lived, filled with music, art, travel, learning and thinking. Being on your deathbed, realizing that your kids are already dividing up your estate or having your kids dump you in a shithole retirement home for the final years must be so demoralizing. This is something I will never have to worry about.

Here's to life as a CF woman of a certain age smiling smiley

Thanks, Peace, and Here Here about us CF peeps who have made a brave choice and now get to reap the rewards! I'm entering menopause now as well, and I told my husband today, "I've made it!" My ability to sluice is basically over, and I never have to worry about it again.

So true about dying alone. I think a lot of breeders imagine themselves taking their final breath on their death-beds, surrounded by their adoring and tearful kids and grandkids. It just doesn't work that way. I have, however, heard of atrocious behavior by these kids to take advantage of their elderly parents, financially benefiting themselves, while waiting like vultures for them to die. It is horrific.

My mother was fortunate in the sense that my one sister managed to get to the hospital when she was dying, but she doesn't think that our mother even knew she was there. She had vascular dementia and sepsis from an infection. She did have to go to a nursing home a couple of years after the dementia struck, but it was her own decision to do so, and we went and visited with her quite often. My sister who had a house at the time, wanted her to move in there, but my mom made it quite clear that she didn't want to burden her kids. It was difficult at times, because as the disease advanced, she was prone to violent outbursts, and she didn't really know who we were anymore.

I have so much going right now. I'm learning to play the piano, I'm in the completion stages of my course, and I have friends and family who I adore. I have hobbies and interests that don't involve kids. I don't think there's a space in my heart that I ever needed a kid to fill. My heart has been filled up with other things. Some may call me selfish, I just think that I've never had the need to use another human being to fulfill something within myself.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 13, 2018
65 here... no regrets.

Happy Birthday MO6B
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 13, 2018
I'm 56. If I could go back and kiss myself, I would.

I could use the word "decision," but it was really just living the set of values I was born with. I was an early articulator and declared at age 9 that I would never have children. I hated being a kid and I couldn't wait to run my own life. I couldn't stand being around most kids and thought they were cretins. When I was in my 20's and finally free to live on my own, I saw people who couldn't wait to ensnare themselves in the childed lifestyle and needless to say, I didn't get it.

I knew in my bones that parenthood was absolutely not for me. It was not always the easy choice...I broke off an engagement and still married someone else who Changed His Mind. Although I was angry that I had to get divorced, I never regretted getting that divorce. I am in a 16-year relationship (12 years married) with a guy I met when he was 40. He refused to date women with kids and was CF. There are guys like that out there.

Each year that passes by makes me more grateful. Being a parent is an irrevocable decision. It affects you every day for the rest of your life. I'm so glad I opted out and I'm grateful that we live in a time when women can make that choice.

Cheers to MOB and Happy Early Birthday!
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 13, 2018
70 here (How DID that happen??!!) and for sure no regrets. Among my friends it's a bit more than 50/50 of how bad their kids turned out. One AlAnon friend is well into her great-grandkids who are causing them problems with their addictions.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 13, 2018
Cheers, everyone, and thank you for the birthday well-wishes! smiling smiley

I was thinking about it again earlier this morning, and I've been quite fortunate most of my life. I was raised in poverty by a single, working mother, suffered a violent crime, and was subsequently put on medication for many years - that I didn't need. HOWEVER I was able to break the cycle of poverty, and now I have a nice home in the country and a Mercedes in the driveway.

I don't care all that much about material shit, because I never had much to begin with, but it's nice to have my own house and a decent car. I also enjoy what I have, and I don't have to replace a lot of my things because I've taken good care of them.

If I think back on everything, I just KNOW that I never would have broken that poverty cycle if I had a brat or two along the way. I would have stayed in the same situation - only worse, and I probably never would have gotten myself out of the hole.

It makes me shudder to think about it.
Re: About to turn 50. Still no regrets!
December 15, 2018
Will turn 50 next year BUT had a hysterectomy in my early 30s so I should have already had enough time to regret it if I were going to, which I don't. Like Cambion, my life kind of "blows" but having kids certainly wouldn't have improved anything. If I'd had kids I would have either been even more destitute or would have had to give them up. I do worry/wonder what will happen at the end of my life - I would not like to be stuck in a nursing home lying on a butt full of bedsores, but that could happen to me with or without family. My grandmother had to be in a nursing home for 4 years after her stroke, even though she had children/grandchildren and a (crappy) husband because she was too debilitated for us to keep her at home.
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 17, 2018
Happy birthday, mum! That regret kicked in this morning, right? ;D
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 17, 2018
Lol! Yeah...ya got me. But, it's the fact that I went out yesterday and forgot to take my heartburn medicine. Last night, I regretted not taking it, due to wine, and this morning I continue to regret. Otherwise, no regrets here! grinning smiley

I'm sorry to hear that things are tough, tiredchicken. Whatever is going on, adding a kid or more into the mix would've made it all that much more difficult. I hope that things pick up for you soon, and that things get better.
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 23, 2018
Belated happy birthday. I'm in my 40s and not regretting it either.

Quote
mumofsixbirds
I also don't regret not having grandkids. I see other people my age and older, and the drama of child-rearing is usually extended to the grandparents. I see a lot of kids using their parents as automatic, free babysitting services, and all I can think is, "I'm glad it's not me."

Grandparent drama is only increasing. In the US, about one quarter of children live in a home with a grandparent with no parents present, mostly due to drug abuse.
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 24, 2018
Thanks Yurble! I had a great week with my husband. He was delightful, funny, and generally fun to be around. We saw some family, and just had a great, relaxing and relatively stress-free time.

There was a major wind storm that hit our area on Thursday. We lost power and there was some damage to our property, but we decided to light up some hurricane lamps, drink beer and eat cheese and crackers until the lights came back on. Our neighbor had a massive tree crash into the power lines on his property, and we had a huge branch (about 10 or 12 feet long) sail through the air and pierce a fist-sized hole in our garage roof, but other than that, we're all okay. There are a lot of people who will be without power over Christmas, so I consider us to be some of the lucky ones.

I had a great time despite all that, and I'm so glad that it was just the two of us. I feel bad for grandparents who have to do the rounds all over again because their useless kids can't be trusted with the responsibility of raising their own children. If I ever had to step up to the plate and help out family in times of need, I'd be there, but only in a limited aspect. The fact that I don't have kids at least gives me the peace of mind knowing that I won't be saddled with their kids if something happened to them. That's just something I don't have the energy or desire to do, and I know my husband wouldn't be up for anything like that either, given his health conditions (bad hip).
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 24, 2018
Quote
mumofsixbirds
Thanks Yurble! I had a great week with my husband. He was delightful, funny, and generally fun to be around. We saw some family, and just had a great, relaxing and relatively stress-free time.

There was a major wind storm that hit our area on Thursday. We lost power and there was some damage to our property, but we decided to light up some hurricane lamps, drink beer and eat cheese and crackers until the lights came back on. Our neighbor had a massive tree crash into the power lines on his property, and we had a huge branch (about 10 or 12 feet long) sail through the air and pierce a fist-sized hole in our garage roof, but other than that, we're all okay. There are a lot of people who will be without power over Christmas, so I consider us to be some of the lucky ones.

Yeah, I heard about that from some of my friends who live on the other side of the border from you. It looked pretty wild! Glad you didn't suffer any major damage.

Quote
mumofsixbirds
I had a great time despite all that, and I'm so glad that it was just the two of us. I feel bad for grandparents who have to do the rounds all over again because their useless kids can't be trusted with the responsibility of raising their own children. If I ever had to step up to the plate and help out family in times of need, I'd be there, but only in a limited aspect. The fact that I don't have kids at least gives me the peace of mind knowing that I won't be saddled with their kids if something happened to them. That's just something I don't have the energy or desire to do, and I know my husband wouldn't be up for anything like that either, given his health conditions (bad hip).

Since it will never be my life, my main thought about that statistic is to wonder just how many dysfunctional adults there are. That's the part that affects the rest of us living in the same society. It seems like there must be a fuckton. Granted, I expect most of them produce a litter rather than one child, but for the grandparents to be involved, two breeders had to bail out on their responsibilities. So something like 1/8 (at 4 kids total for a pair of breeders) of breeders with minor children are irresponsible jerks?

Seems like that "taking care of you when old" (as a reason for having them) and "wiping your ass" (as a reason to shame the rest of society into supporting them) don't stand up very well to reason.
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 24, 2018
Happy Belated Birthday MumOfSixBirds!

Another oldster checking in here. 56 and single (never married) and don't regret that or being CF either. So glad I didn't cave in and follow the herd.
Re: Think You'll "regret it when you're old?" Think again.
December 24, 2018
Thanks, artchick62! I'm sooo enjoying my older years. Not only do I enjoy them despite not having sprogs, but I enjoy my older years because I didn't!
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