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My boyfriend doesn't want kids, so I'll have them alone – without leaving him

Posted by yurble 
How dafuq is that supposed to work? My boyfriend doesn't want kids, so I'll have them alone – without leaving him.

So at first she's all about respecting him...
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I don’t take my partner’s decision on children personally or lightly. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, nor does it represent his feelings for me, and I respect that he did not acquiesce to his previous partners. Still, even if he were onboard with having children, I’m not willing to rush a relationship because I’m bound to a biological timeline. Nor am I willing to forgo birth control and “accidentally” fall pregnant. I have seen the effects a “surprise” pregnancy has on a man.

But it doesn't take long before her resentment slips out:
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What’s even more frustrating is that he is naturally great with kids and would make an amazing father. At 41, I have found a man who comes close to everything I’ve realistically wanted. If he were it all, then he would be perfect. And you and I both know perfect doesn’t exist. Given that, it’s actually not that surprising he doesn’t want kids. There had to be something, amirite? The more I fall for him, the more I know my urge to have “a baby” will become a desire to have “his baby”.

No, he would not make an amazing father, because he doesn't want to have children. If she really respected who he is, she would not make that bingo. People who don't want to be parents should never be described as people who would be amazing parents.

The article concludes:
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But my boyfriend doesn’t want children, and I have to respect that. However, I will not forgo my chances at motherhood to appease him or maintain our relationship. And that is a decision I do hope he chooses to support.

So it's not like she's got a solution here, not even an agreement that he'll try it and see how it works (which I wouldn't recommend he do: I predict it won't: either he'll cave or he'll realize that her being a mother affects his life and flee). Her approach is to stick her head in the sand and postpone the breakup. If this guy is at all smart, he'll cut things off himself, sooner rather than later.

And I seriously wonder why this woman is so keen to breed:
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I have spent my entire adult life preparing to be a mum. I spent a decade in therapy unraveling the damage instilled by my parents. I progressed my career; advanced my education; traveled and worked across the globe; crawled my way out of debt – all so I would have zero regrets about being a mother and feel as self-actualized as possible before taking on the responsibility of creating and rearing another human.

Is it a pre-breeding checklist, or a dying bucket wish? She even acknowledges that it isn't all coming from her:

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Society pressures women to have children, and doing so at a young age can mean we miss out on becoming the women we are meant to be. Sometimes we buck the trend at the expense of our own fertility and panic at the gamble.

I don't know why she can't be happy with what she has. Half the article is her talking about how great the system is for single mums in the UK, as if she has to breed, now that she has support.
Meanwhile, from a more realistic perspective, a childfree woman dealing with a husband who changed his mind knows divorce is the logical outcome:

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I finally, ultimately, told him we needed to divorce if he needed children to be happy. I never wanted them. I tried to entertain the idea for his sake, but literally everything in me revolts at the idea of even adopting. I'm perfectly happy to be the crazy aunt. But if he needs children, I'm out.

As usual, the wanna-breed is being a massive asshole:

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I'm, as I said, 41. I got married at 24. I am the child of an abusive family, and I never wanted children and was straight up about that from the beginning. There's also an intensive history of schizophrenia in my family; my father had it, as did many extended family members.

My husband knew this.

But at 35, he changed his mind. He suddenly desperately wanted children; he obviously thought given time, I would change my mind, too. I think he believed this from the moment we met at 19.

I tried. I want to want children. Sadly, this, and actually wanting kids, are not even in the same solar system. I talked about it for years with my therapist, and had any number of civil discussions (and also not-civil fights) with my husband about it.

Fuck that guy. Anyone who makes a person doubt themselves like this is emotionally abusive.

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He held me and said he knew, apologized for the other night (and the last decade) and said it was only the occasional pang but I am still filled with doubt. I tried to express that I don't want to be the obstacle to his happiness, and the last thing I want is for him to still be hating me for being a failure as a woman at 80.

And i do feel that. Something is missing in me; I know it. I am financially stable. I married a decent dude who I mostly only fight with about having kids, and love.

I feel like I was made without some crucial woman part.

So the woman who wants to breed and whose boyfriend doesn't want to thinks it will all work out somehow and the woman who is consistent about what she wants has to face the harsh reality of a jerk of a husband. Probably because society is telling one that she sucks, and telling the other that she's perfectly in the right. I know which one I think is being realistic.
Woman #2 needs to flush her husband. He may not leave her today, but he's ripe to find some Wanna Breed, particularly a younger one. The issue never really goes away. Why spend your life apologizing for something when you were never deceptive about it?

I can relate to all of this from Woman #1:

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I spent a decade in therapy unraveling the damage instilled by my parents. I progressed my career; advanced my education; traveled and worked across the globe; crawled my way out of debt – all so I would have zero regrets about being a mother and feel as self-actualized as possible before taking on the responsibility of creating and rearing another human.

She did all this to "prepare to be a mum," but she really just grew up despite not having a good start. I have news for her, she's likely the woman she is today because she didn't have children.

I do not understand why she wants to throw this all away. Does she understand that being a single mother is going to derail her life?

Good luck with all that.
Wow, woman #1 is fucking delusional.

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It’s no secret to any of my friends that I want to be a mother; my boyfriend, unfortunately for me, does not want children.

This should be a deal-breaker, I know.

Yeah, there's a reason for that, ya narcissist.

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But my boyfriend doesn’t want children, and I have to respect that. However, I will not forgo my chances at motherhood to appease him or maintain our relationship. And that is a decision I do hope he chooses to support.

Support how? By "compromising" so he can help her raise a kid that isn't his and he didn't want? Is that what she means by "support"? If he has half the intelligence she says he does, he'll dump her ass the very second he finds out she's started IVF (because I'm guessing he doesn't know she's that far into the process).

As for this:

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Woman #2
I feel like I was made without some crucial woman part.

It infuriates me that this thinking is still so prevalent.
How does she intend to "not forgo her chances at motherhood" while staying with a guy who doesn't want kids? Sounds like code for OOPS and if this guy is smart, he'll either leave or quit fucking her.

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Moron
I have spent my entire adult life preparing to be a mum. I spent a decade in therapy unraveling the damage instilled by my parents. I progressed my career; advanced my education; traveled and worked across the globe; crawled my way out of debt – all so I would have zero regrets about being a mother and feel as self-actualized as possible before taking on the responsibility of creating and rearing another human.

No, you've spent your life trying to become a better person. You think you could have done any of that with brats? I mean it's great that she was able to recognize her problems and try to fix them before reproducing, but she really has done all that for the sake of a potential child and not for herself? God that's sad.

Also, she mentions her and her partner haven't even been together for a year? What guy wants to breed with someone he's only been dating a little while? A year isn't long enough to get to truly know a person.

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Moron
He is a sensitive spirit, and I am so grateful to have him in my life, given my pained dating history. Because of this, he is getting the best of me. One night, fresh out of a bath he had drawn for me, belly full from a home cooked meal he had prepared, as he was editing an article I had written, I realized: I am in the relationship I’ve always wanted. He would have to do something particularly cruel for me to not want to see this to its potential.

Orly? If you're sitting there focusing on the one thing he does "wrong," then you can't be too grateful. The guy sounds like a real catch - he cooks for her, draws her a bath, he serves as an editor for her (I wonder how he felt about this article). What's better: a guy who checks one box out of ten on your list, or one who checks nine boxes out of ten? Bitch, shut your hole and be glad you got what sounds like a pretty good guy.

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Moron
What’s even more frustrating is that he is naturally great with kids and would make an amazing father. At 41, I have found a man who comes close to everything I’ve realistically wanted. If he were it all, then he would be perfect. And you and I both know perfect doesn’t exist. Given that, it’s actually not that surprising he doesn’t want kids. There had to be something, amirite? The more I fall for him, the more I know my urge to have “a baby” will become a desire to have “his baby”.

Just because someone is great with kids doesn't mean they'd be great with their own or want their own. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to do it. I can cook all right, that doesn't mean I should open a restaurant.

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Moron
But my boyfriend doesn’t want children, and I have to respect that. However, I will not forgo my chances at motherhood to appease him or maintain our relationship. And that is a decision I do hope he chooses to support.

Yeah, but you don't respect that, evidenced by the existence of this article. If you want to breed, there are plenty of willing men who will stick their knobs in even the ugliest, most desperate baby rabid women. Quit hogging the CF guy who doesn't want to knock you up.
Meh. This might even work. If he likes kids but just doesn't want any, and she's not going to oops him (it sounds like she's going to go the IVF route), then they might end up in a co-parenting arrangement that works for both of them. She gets her kid and the scut work, he can play cool uncle and go home to his own house when he's done. They stay friends, everything's fine and dandy.

More likely, she'll have the kid and he'll slowly disappear from her life, because he remembers kids really suck after all, and she's too exhausted and bizzy to spare any time for him.

She's a big girl, she can make her choice.
Is this man aware of her complete obsession with having a brat? I find it very hard to believe he'd want anything to do with her if he knew of this. I bet she keeps it under wraps and that may explain her resentment bubbling up. I'm not sure why people do this, it just postpones the inevitable.

She can't hide a pignasty.

Once he figures out one of her personalities desperately wants to have kids despite his wishes she won't have to stay. He'll leave her.

It is okay to end a relationship because there are issues that can't be resolved. It doesn't make either of them bad people. Why the hell doesn't she move on? Finding a like-minded breeder is a dime a dozen.

This isn't going to turn out good for her, she is way too delusional.
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Cambion
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Moron
What’s even more frustrating is that he is naturally great with kids and would make an amazing father.

Just because someone is great with kids doesn't mean they'd be great with their own or want their own.

EXACTLY! That "you'd be a great parent" attitude is another line of thinking that pisses me off. Anyone who doesn't want children would automatically be a TERRIBLE PARENT, full stop. It's just breeder thinking to believe they can judge for us better than we can for ourselves.

And even if-- and it's a big if-- even if someone who's really CF would be a good parent, so what? They're CF. They've made their decision. Breeders really need to stop trying to recast us in their image.
It's not like being a good parent is a requisite for having kids. There are plenty of people who breed who aren't fit to raise a houseplant, let alone another human being.

Apparently these people never stop to think that some people are good with kids because they don't have to deal with them 24/7. I'd wager a lot of people would be good with kids if they could pick and choose when, where, and how long they had to deal with them and/or could choose to not deal with bratty kids.
I was always told "I was good with the kid" when my sister wanted me to do some uncompensated babysitting, so she could do whatever. She didn't take into consideration if I enjoyed the babysitting or if I was just acting.

+++++++++++++

Passive Aggressive
Master Of Anti-brat
Excuses!
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