'You Are Worthless' - funny book excerpts

Greetings, my fellow childfree friends. I have a hilarious, satirical book called 'You Are Worthless' which is sort of an anti-self help book. The words are printed in pretty, decorative fonts, and it pokes fun at the multitudes of corny, fluffy "you are special" books on the market. The chapters have names like:

"Your Good-For-Nothing Friends"
"Your Miserable Job"
"Your Faith - What Has It Ever Brought You But Grief?"

But the best chapter is probably the one called "The Goddamned Kids".

I thought I'd post the passages in that chapter for your enjoyment.

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So, you're a parent! You ignorant dupe.

You were stupid to have kids. Hell, even your kids think so.

What have your children ever done for you? Was it really worth it to have them?

You have a lot of obligations because of your kids. Think about all those obligations for a moment and let them weigh you down.

Admit it, you resent those damn kids.

No one else in this society is particularly grateful to you for bringing those rotten kids into the world.

Why did you want to bring more people into the world? You know they're only going to end up miserable failures like you. You're mean.

People are stupid. This includes your kids.

You know, you just created a lot of work for everyone else when you decided to have kids.

You were having enough trouble just taking care of yourself. What were you thinking adding to your load?

Oh, sure - they're cute when they're small. But once they get big, they're just as dumb and annoying as everyone else.

What is it about the genetic bond that makes you care about your kids? I'll tell you what it is: It's selfishness. You only care about yourself and your precious genes. Well, let me tell you something, none of the rest of us give a crap.

Take your kids to go do something that they love doing and you hate doing, like going to the wacky pizza place with the automaton animals that play the piano. That will be a GREAT way to spend your time.

Wouldn't it be great if your kids ran away? Then you wouldn't have to take care of their sorry asses anymore.

Here's what you should always say to your kids when they leave the house: "Good riddance."

Here are seven things you can tell your kids to get them to run away:
- I don't love you anymore.
- I doubt you're really mine anyway.
- Bus stations, train depots and homeless shelters have candy hidden in them. You just have to keep looking.
- Street hustling is a tried-and-true stepping-stone to movie stardom.
- Freight trains can take you anywhere.
- There are a lot of offers of free cigarettes out there in the world.
- A very small percentage of abductees are actually killed.

The really bad thing about your kids is that they're just like you.

Stop and think about why you're doing all this for your kids. Basically, it's so they can grow up and have kids of their own. It's an unforgiving, ridiculous cycle. What's the point?

Your kids are ugly.

I know it's scary to admit, but sometimes you wish the law permitted you to kill your own kids.

You like one of your kids more than the other. And as much as you try to hide this, they all know the score.

You are an ATM machine, a bus driver, a landlord that offers free rent, a cook, a cleaning lady, and a nurse. But first and foremost, you are a chump.

You know those little school plays that you love to go see your kids in? They suck.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Would it be so bad if your kids found your gun and started playing with it?

You love your little tax deductions, don't you?

Lonely? Have kids. They'll be like an Alzheimer's patient at first, then they'll be like a high-maintenance pet, then they'll b e like your worst enemy, then they might call once in a while. Finally, in your old age, they'll neglect you. By the way, this whole de-lonlification process will cost you a few hundred thousand dollars.

They say you since need a license to fish, you should need a license to parent. I have a better idea. Let's just club all the babies that are born.

Your kids are ashamed of you. They laugh at you behind your back.

When you're older and you need your children's support, they will only give it begrudgingly.

Think about your kids for a moment. They're a real disappointment to you, aren't they?

Your kids are even dumber than you. (Has a cartoon of a guy sitting in an easy chair, saying to a kid: "I created you in order to pass on my genetic code, but right now I'd settle for you just fetching me another beer.")

If you want your family lineage to continue, why not have children with several partners? From a strictly evolutionary way of thinking, your chances of successful progeny would be much greater.

You should really start worrying when your kids start having sex. Because that's just fucked up - your kids having sex!

Your kids are nothing special. They're just like everyone else's.

When God gave you the precious gift of children, it was His way of totally fucking up your life.

Your kids go through your stuff when you're not home.

Your kids steal from you.

You fancy yourself a pretty smart person. But consider this: Biology outsmarted you. Because despite all logic, it tricked you into believing it was a good idea to have kids.

Consider selling your children. You've already wasted the best years of your life on them.

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Those were beautiful, thank you. More fodder for the masses that pressure me.

I especially like the, "they're cute when they're small" one. I hung out with a friend and her baby yesterday. He's an 8 month old. Just like having another pet crawling around the house. Cute as a button. But did it make me want one of my own? Hell no! That 'cute' stage doesn't stick around long enough for me.

I found this book at a used book sale a couple years ago. I need to dig it out again. The kid part is priceless. Thanks for the reminder!

While I am sure that was meant to be funny,(and it was a scream!) ALL of it was blatantly true. I see no purpose in having children and the only reasons ever given by parents or parent wannabees are selfish in origin. I can't think of one single reason I have ever heard that wasn't a selfish one. Even the reasons disguised as selfLESS are selfISH. "I want someone who I can love unconditionally". Why can't they love their spouse without conditions attached? Why can't they love their parents, siblings, grandparents, or friends unconditionally? What they REALLY mean is that THEY want this "unconditional love" which is nothing more than dependency when the child is very young, but it is quickly lost when they grow up. ALL love and therefore relationships as well have SOME kind of conditions attached, even if it's nothing more than expecting love back. I never knew a parent who was "ok" when their kid hated them. That right there makes it conditional love.

'We want to create a blending of ourselves because we are so in love". They think this is unselfish but I think it's the height of narcicism to want to replicate oneself or that they think their love is so great or unusual from other people's that they will have a "special" child. These people are VERY full of themselves and I delight when they get divorced, for that very reason. Their "once in a lifetime love" ends up the first in a string of shallow relationships, much like the Looking for Mr. Goodbar plot. Then there are the ones who say they want to create "warriors for Christ" and the like. This translates to they want attention on earth for their holier than thou approach to the end result of fucking without birth control and then they want brownie points when they get to heaven, a DOUBLE wammy selfish statement and thought process. Just about all of the ones who call it a "religious experience" are selfish as hell to compare fucking and childbirth to God Almighty. Then they go a step further and actually claim that God himself, chose a "gift" for them, like he has the time and that they matter that much that GOD had a hand in it. I think I hate those types the most.

Kim, you're right - while funny, all of the passages are true. I think that, overall, the book IS supposed to be humorous, but I also think it has an air of 'many a truth spoken in jest'. Some of the chapters are filled with this really kooky, over-the-top paranoia ("That old lady in the supermarket who hands out the pizza roll samples is wiping her ass with those things before she gives them to you"), and then some of them have this biting, matter-of-fact cynicism that makes me think the author's actual life views leaked out onto the page quite a bit, such as the children chapter, and the chapter on faith.

And I'm sure I don't need to say that I certainly agree with you that there really is NO good reason to have children. I challenge one person with kids or who wants to have kids to give me a completely sane, unselfish, logical reason that I haven't heard a thousand times before and can't easily be challenged and then discarded. They'll respond with all of the same ridiculous bingos we've all heard a thousand times before. I have never seen a group of people that spend more time and energy justifying their life choices with a bunch of overly sentimental mumbo-jumbo the way breeders do.

I went out recently with one of my childed friends and she brought her three kids along (of course). I tell you, it made just the simple act of going to the farmer's market an ordeal. On the way out, when we were paying for our produce, she struck up a conversation with the lady bagging the fruit. They talked about how hard labor was, the ages of their children, the epidural, how beautiful it all was, blah blah blah. Later on, my friend says, "See? Mothers can all relate to each other." I guess she thought that I'd be impressed that they all are apparently their own little club that we childfree just can't _possibly_ understand. To them, childbearing is the great equalizer. Honestly, I think it has more to do with the fact that nearly all the mothers I know have never done anything more meaningful with their lives than crapping out a bunch of kids and then whining about how 'hard' it all is.