possibly adieu soon...

Some of you long-term posters might remember that I have been taking care of my mother and stepdad full-time. He passed away last November at age 71, and I posted some comments about him and his estranged (worthless) kids then. Mom, just age 64 right now, was already disabled with ministrokes and received a diagnosis of breast cancer this past January. She just completed treatment, including a lumpectomy back in February, radiation, and chemotherapy. In May 2006 a military hospital (my stepdad was retired Navy) had given her no more than a year to live because of her stroke history and a past undiagnosed heart problem, so she has greatly outlived that prognosis so far. But...

A little over a week ago I had to take her to the hospital because of sudden weakness, loss of appetite, and falls. She is still in the care of the hospital and will undergo some skilled nursing care and physical therapy to try to get her back to walking with a walker again as she had been before these symptoms. But it is apparent that once she returns home to my care, I will have to be much more hands-on with her than before, and to top it off I must return to work part-time to pay the bills. My plate will be full.

Sometime soon it seems likely that the rest of you won't be seeing many posts from me. I wanted to take this opportunity to welcome all the new members whom I did not get a chance to address before, and to give my thanks and regards to all the rest of you plugging away in the CF world.

I am thankful that I am CF and was therefore able to take care of mom and my stepdad when they needed it. My brother has had 1,001 excuses for why he just can't help, but the main reason is that his daughter by a previous relationship and his present wife's two daughters by her previous husband keep him busy with family and support obligations. I have had to shoulder the load alone.

Making matters worse is that those who have children have it made when it comes to getting freebies from the taxpayers. By contrast, Mom and I can't get shit. And I went through that song and dance before when I was applying for financial aid for university, only to be told that my working-class parents made "too much money" for me to get anything—even federally guaranteed student loans. It never ends. You pay taxes and pay taxes but get told that you aren't eligible for any aid when the chips are down—unless you sprog. So once again I'm in that boat. A small stipend would enable me to stay at home instead of having to go to work, but no such program exists for those trying to take care of disabled parents—all of us who have paid taxes over the years. Yet there's plenty of taxpayers' money for people who shit out bastard kyds.

I did not intend to unload, but I suspect the rest of you already know many of these realities. You and this board have provided a great deal of enjoyment. I'll continue to lurk and even occasionally post when I can after Mom comes home, but once I go to work it will definitely be a lot less often. Thanks again to the rest of you for a great board.

((((((((((hugs)))))))) k-man all my best wishes go out to you and your mom.

It's times like this I wish I was a multi-millionaire with a charity to help childfree people. Where are the goddamned do gooder "charity" assholes for you and your mom? That's right, same place all the tax money goes. The breeders.

Hope to see you back soon.

K-man, you will be sorely missed! I have always enjoyed reading your well written and informative posts long before I ever joined up. It is VERY unfair that there is no help for people in your situation, especially when you have never burdened the welfare system with bastard kyds and have always worked and paid taxes. It's not unlikely that my sisters and I will be in the same boat in the future as my father has had MANY health problems and wasn't "supposed" to live past 10-99, but he plugs right along, somehow. However, the medical bills he amassed in 97 from a massive coronary took a HUGE amount of his savings and on top of that he was unable to work for 8 months afterwards which ate into his investments and reduced his income. I don't really know how bad it is, but I have an idea and I hope that I am wrong. He won't talk about it and I swear I think he has kept on working trying to "make up" for all that he lost ten years ago. He is doing it half blind, eaten up with diabetic complications, with 1/3 of his heart/lung capacity, and at the age of 68. I doubt that he and my mother could qualify for any assistance either.

Anyway, I look forward to when you find the time to pop in and make a comment. I wish you the best and the same for your mother.

At 64 years old, your Mother, like all honored elders before her, begins to reach the Khala's end. As she walks, may you travel well with her, and give her the best quality of life that you can. Be patient. Be watchful. Do your duty. Take care of her, and yourself. Honor and blessings upon you, K-Man. En Taro Adun.

Your a good person K-man, I have enjoyed your posts and look forward to you posting again!!

Hang in there!! your doing a great thing!!!!!

Your informative and insightful posts will be missed by me. I admire you for doing the honorable and filial duty of caring for your mom. Best wishes.

You have my thoughts at this trying time. Know that you will be missed, and we look forward to the times when you can re-join us. Best wishes.

We will surely miss you k-man!!! I've enjoyed your posts over the years.

I'm so sorry that your family is going through such a bad time, your mom is too young for that. You are doing a great thing, and are fortunate to be able to take care of her. It pisses me off that there is no help for you guys.

Stay in touch with us from time to time to let us know how she is doing.

Take care k-man...I'm gonna miss your posts...
Always well-worded missives of missiles

Farewell, K-Man - you'll be missed! I wish you well in the many trials ahead, and I'm so sorry that you have to shoulder these burdens alone. But I'm also glad you have the ability to provide her with the needed care. I hope at some point you'll be able to return to the board and give us all an update.
As others have said, your posts were always enjoyable! Take care of yourself.

Farewell, k-man. I will be reading you in the archives...

Bless you for doing a very honorable thing. Your mother is very lucky to have a responsible, loving child like you.

Don't forget to take care of yourself now, ya hee-ya?

Look after yourself k-man. We'd be glad to hear from you again whenever you can check back in with us.

Please don't forget the cancer care charities that are out there. Get the leaflets from your doctor's office and do your online reasearch -- not only might you find some charitable help, but there are millions of people who are or have been in your situation who can lend you some practical advice and support. And vice-versa!

You know, most of us have to deal with the one 'bingo square' that says 'Your children will look after you when you are old'. Despite what you're going through now, let's not be fooled by that crazy presumption. Your Mom did not have you so that you could both end up in this distressing situation, and it's evil for any selfish parents (yes, that's selfish, unlike your-CF-self), to claim that family relationships ought to be boiled down to something as regrettable as that.

So do look for assistance wherever and however you can. Your continuing to work -- though you clearly feel as if you ought to stop working -- will be a blessing to you in the long run. It's not good for a person to seclude oneself with the sick 24/7 and get too swept up with another's illness. Don't give up everything is what I think I'm saying. Good luck

- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly

K-man, I'll miss your posts. Please take care of yourself as well, and visit us when you can.

Also, please make it a point to talk to the social worker in the hospital where your mom currently is staying. Sometimes there are hospice organizations that can help out in small ways to ease the burden of full-time in home caregiving.

I wish you and your family peace and strength during this difficult time.

Awww k-man, I'm sorry to hear of your tough times. You're mom is REALLY lucky to have you helping her out. I've been through the same thing, but that was over 20 years ago. Take good care of yourself while you're taking care of her. Caregivers often feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Don't be afraid to demand help from other relatives when you need a little break.

I'll miss your posts, and you and your mom will be in my thoughts.

Take care Kman!! All the best to you and yours. I'm sure we will be here in some form to offer support, or just a good ear (eye?), if you need it.

I am quite sure your parents are very grateful for all the energy you've put in to making the ends of their lives as dignified and comfortable as possible. You truly are doing "A Most Important Job".

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

I will miss you too, k-man. You have made some insightful and informative (and entertaining) posts in the short time I have been here.

I hope what is happening to you doesn't happen to me at some point. My mom is deceased and my dad, 77 and in good health for now, lives about 15 miles from me while my brother with his wife and 4-year-old, live about 200 miles away.

Take care, k-man! It is tough, and it will get even tougher, I won't lie to you (I lost my Mom to cancer too) - but you are doing the right thing. And that takes strength, courage, integrity and a loving heart - all of which you obviously possess.

Thanks for all the kind words, gang. Mom was just released to my care, and I'm supposed to be with her or make arrangements for someone to be with her 24/7. The medical department determined that she was not a candidate for a nursing home (yet), partly because of insurance, and she probably would not respond to a rehab/skilled therapy environment because she is simply too messed up. That left only in-home care, and for someone to stay with her would require us to pay out of pocket. Oh, and she doesn't qualify for Medicaid because her income is just a little too high under state rules. Just as I suspected would happen—only now, because of the 24/7 requirement, I really can't even try to get a part-time job despite a real financial need. As the cliché goes, you pay taxes and pay taxes but then get told you don't qualify for any of those programs you paid taxes for once the chips are down.

My brother, who lives about 300 miles away in another state, has made it plain without saying in so many words that he "cannot" (actually will not) help with Mom's care. And he has weaseled out already when I asked him if he could send a few hundred dollars as a one-time payment so I could catch up the bills. He's pleading poverty even as he has recently told me that he and his wife just rented out their home in another state; her taking a highly-paid school administration job close to their present house to avoid the commute she used to have will save them over $10K a year in fuel; and he has had money to buy several older subcompact cars to fix them and put a couple of them back on the road. His excuse for not helping me with Mom's care is that he is going to university full-time in addition to working, and he has obligations to the local volunteer fire department.

The hospital social worker was not amused by any of this when I told him that my brother had already made it clear that he couldn't/wouldn't help. The worker told me that one person stuck in the situation I'm in is unacceptable, and regardless of where my brother lives or what he does, helping me should be the priority. As he put it, my brother's excuses are a bit like using playing softball or the like as a reason not to help. School can wait, he said. For mom's care, it's showtime right now.

The bitter irony is that my mother and late stepfather helped him on numerous occasions when his tit was in a wringer, and numerous times he ran up big phone and other bills that they or I had to pay. I jumped on his case about bills he left for Mom and my stepdad in the past. On top of that, he and various wenches he was with borrowed money from family members and never repaid. But this goes back to one of the most frequent topics on this forum: the sheer idiocy of the notion that your progeny will help you in old age. It is more likely today that they will simply leech.

Thanks to everyone for your moral support here. I'll be lurking and posting when I can. Unfortunately, it probably won't be very often. My apologies for being so snarky here in this post.

Snark? We have enjoyed your company. Best of luck.