R absent grandparunts December 05, 2023 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,780 |
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moo
All I said was that would leave her more time to come by and visit/sometimes watch my daughter.
Re: R absent grandparunts December 06, 2023 | Registered: 10 years ago Posts: 2,446 |
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freya
And this one wonders if her parents wanted her based on their lack of interest in her children:
Some parents regret having kids 100% of the time and a lot more parents probably regret having kids at least 50-75% of the time./
Re: R absent grandparunts December 07, 2023 | Registered: 12 years ago Posts: 3,642 |
Re: R absent grandparunts December 07, 2023 | Registered: 9 years ago Posts: 3,780 |
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craftyzits
Older grandparents (born 1920s) didn't have a choice as there wasn't effective legal birth control.
Re: R absent grandparunts December 07, 2023 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 10,131 |
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kittehpeoples
I kind of wondered if the wave of grandparents peacing out of babysitting (read: raising) their grandkids was a generation realizing they didn't want kids and didn't have to have them. We CF have become more vocal and visible over the years...you'd think that would have some affect on people who somehow really thought they *had* to have kids and are now realizing no, they didn't.
Re: R absent grandparunts December 11, 2023 | Registered: 7 years ago Posts: 669 |
Re: R absent grandparunts December 12, 2023 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 10,131 |
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One of the things my MIL always said when we’ve brought up my IL's lack of involvement with our kids in the past is, “the door is always open!” And my husband will also repeat that to defend his parents, “They’ve told us we’re welcome to bring the kids over anytime.”
This bothers me, and here’s why. It’s like telling a person in crisis, “If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.” This puts the burden of asking for help on the recipient of this “offer,” and because most people feel awkward asking for help, don’t know what kind of help a person is willing to give, etc., the person offering never has to really do anything; they just look good for offering. Which is the whole point.
Here’s why “the door is always open” is a shitty way to approach a grandchild relationship:
- The door isn’t always open. Because when we try, we get excuses about how busy they are, we have to work around the daily childcare they provide to the other grandchildren, etc.
- It puts all the emotional labor on us. Good relationships should generally be 50/50 efforts, with some allowances for when one party needs more. But “the door is always open” puts the entire burden of maintaining the grandparent relationship on us. We have to do all the work.
- They’re the ones who are retired! Like, seriously, we work full-time and juggle busy schedules. I don’t want this on my plate too.
- It absolves them of guilt when they’re not seeing their grandkids. “Well, we told you, the door is always open!” Basically, the failure of the relationship they have with our kids is 100% on our shoulders.
- It’s telling me they don’t want to really do anything with my kids. They’re not going to plan a fun outing to a park or to look at Christmas lights or go out to lunch. It’s just “bring the grandkids here so I can park them in front of the TV and ignore them for a few hours.”
Tl;dr, “the door is always open” lets them make it seem like they want to have a relationship, but the subtext is, “I don’t plan on putting in any effort at all.”
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I’ve been reading tons of posts on here of people complaining about grandparents not being involved and I always read “I know they don’t owe us anything”.
Um, actually they do. They are your parents, you are their child. Just because you’re over 18, doesn’t mean the parenting/help should stop. They made you, they put you on this planet so YES they DO owe you. They should want to help their child naturally.
Small rant. You can disagree if you want but this is just how I feel. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
Re: R absent grandparunts December 13, 2023 | Registered: 7 years ago Posts: 669 |
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Re: R absent grandparunts February 01, 2024 | Registered: 11 years ago Posts: 2,148 |
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Re: R absent grandparunts April 30, 2024 | Registered: 7 years ago Posts: 669 |