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Brain 'sploding fun...
Posted by Feh
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Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,073 |
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article4833801.ece
October 5, 2008
Women who conceive accidentally on purpose
A growing number are intentionally becoming pregnant by men they don't expect to be involved. Is it feminism or folly?
Clover Stroud
Katya’s entire adult life has been characterised by driving ambition, which has seen her achieve a first-class degree in classics from Cambridge and a six-figure salary as a barrister. Now approaching 37, she hasn’t let singledom get in the way of her next goal: motherhood. And because she is accustomed to taking the initiative, she was less than careful when she had a two-week affair with Phil, her cousin’s friend, earlier this year. Of course, he wasn’t consulted about whether he wanted to become a father, but when a man sleeps with a woman without using contraception . . .
“Most men I’ve been out with have been pretty disappointing,” she says, one hand on her pregnant tummy. “I’m not making any demands on Phil, and I’m not expecting him to be involved. I’m financially independent, so I know I can give this baby an amazing life. I will be able to offer a more stable life than some of my girlfriends, who gave up their jobs a decade ago to have children, and who are now in failing marriages and have no independent income.”
Katya’s attitude might seem blunt, reducing it to nothing more than a biological transaction between herself and a suitable stud, but as a fiercely independent and financially secure woman, she is not alone. The news that the French justice minister, Rachida Dati, 42, is pregnant was greeted with feverish speculation about the identity of the father. Dati, meanwhile, has refused to name him, saying simply that her private life is “complicated”. “I’ve always said that having a child was fundamental to me,” was as far as she would go.
Minnie Driver has just become mother to a little boy, whose father she refuses to name; Geri Halliwell is bringing up Bluebell independent of the child’s scriptwriter father. Figures indicating the number of women who choose to have a baby this way don’t exist, of course, but fertility clinics report growing numbers of women choosing donor insemination (DI) as a form of conception. And then there is the overwhelming anecdotal evidence: we all know someone who has done it. For example, the 35-year-old record producer and mother of a three-year-old son, who dines out on the account of how she knocked herself up with the help of a turkey baster and a good-natured male friend, or the society girl who, at 38, was so desperate for a baby, she resorted to a quick fumble with the plumber.
Unsurprisingly, few women will admit to having actively stolen a man’s sperm. It’s still one of the last sexual taboos in an age when almost anything goes — sleep around as much as you like, but don’t do that.
“People have a real problem with the fact that I positively chose this course,” says Sarah, 35, a script editor. Her daughter is now five; she found herself pregnant as her relationship of three months was breaking up. “I have only spoken to my closest friends about this, because most people find it totally unacceptable. In the past, with other boyfriends, I had been much more careful, but I was in my early thirties and my biological clock was in overdrive. I really, really wanted a baby, and I didn’t have any time to waste. My daughter’s father was clever and good-looking, and I suppose it seemed safer to have an affair with him than a one-night stand. And it was cheaper and a lot more fun than doing it in a clinic.” He, perhaps understandably, was less than delighted to find out that he was going to be a father. “He put pressure on me not to have the baby, but for me, it wasn’t an accident,” she says.
There is something courageous about women who choose to have a baby via DI. It’s a decision they make alone, and you will find plenty of websites and support groups devoted to the subject. But it’s quite another matter when a girl finds herself pregnant but doesn’t get the support she might expect. Eddie Murphy and Steve Bing expressed disbelief at whether they were the fathers after Mel B and Elizabeth Hurley respectively announced their pregnancies. Faith, a music scout, has muddled through an arrangement with Sam, a sexy but struggling musician, who she was sleeping with on and off for nearly a year when she became pregnant. They were open with each other about the fact that it was not what Bing might have called an “exclusive relationship”, and although he initially didn’t want to have contact after she told him the news, he now sees his five-year-old daughter, Maya, “about once a month”. “I don’t feel guilty about having his baby,” says Faith. “He was happy enough to have a lot of sex with me without using a rubber, and as soon as I was pregnant, I told him that I wouldn’t expect anything from him financially. It is quite nice having the odd Saturday off when Sam takes Maya out, but I really wouldn’t want him to have much more access than that, and I think it suits us both. She’s my daughter.”
What about the children? For many, it’s not an ideal upbringing. Dan, 31, and his twin sister were born as a result of a fling between his mother and a young academic who she had decided would be perfect father material. She lost contact with him soon after she conceived. He doesn’t feel his life has been dramatically overshadowed, but “I resent the fact that, on a basic level, you don’t and can’t ever know half of your own background”, he says. “There’ll always be a void. In my case, do I have siblings? What about genetic diseases? Imagine not having an explanation for certain things you do, and not being able to find them, ever. At least with sperm donation or adoption you might be able to trace some answers. But when a woman decides to go it alone, she is ultimately trying to eliminate the father. What gives her the right to make that decision? It’s selfish, and I don’t see a difference between these women and the 16-year-old who has a baby because she wants someone to love her.”
However, when even eminent fertility expert points out that there is “a shortage of men in their thirties and forties who seem capable of real commitment”, what is a girl to do? Katya, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way: “I’m looking forward to bringing up my baby alone. Much better that than in a second-rate relationship,” she says. “And anyway, I’ve never relied on anyone else for anything in my life, so why should I start now?” As she marches down the street by herself, on her way to her next scan, the inevitable question hanging over her isn’t how long she should have gone on waiting for Mr Right, but whether she ever really wanted him in the first place.
. . . And the man who tried it
By the time I got to my late thirties, I’d had several long relationships that hadn’t resulted in marriage, and I became more and more concerned about my ability to have a child with a wife or girlfriend. Although men don’t have a traditional biological clock, we do have our own version of it, and I didn’t want to be a father at 50. So I decided to go to a surrogacy agency (Circle, in Boston). Most people’s reactions to my decision were positive, though some questioned whether a man has the same nurturing emotions as a woman. But you dismiss those people.
My son, Anthony, was born to a surrogate mother in Missouri on Boxing Day, 2003, and I took him home three days later. I took a couple of months off to care for him, then he went to nursery and I went back to work — like millions of other parents. I never really missed a woman being there, because you can’t miss something you never had. I just concentrated on bonding with my child. I didn’t start dating again straightaway, but when I did, I found women were impressed and, in some cases, attracted to a man capable of caring for a child on his own. Now I’m in a relationship, and Anthony loves having a mum. My girlfriend and I also have a three-month-old daughter, Catherine, and it’s wonderful. But before she came along, having a child with someone just wasn’t on the horizon, and if it hadn’t happened, I’d still have Anthony. If people out there are thinking about it as an option, they should know it’s a very real one. You need a very supportive family, employer and friends. But you need that if you are a woman, too.
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
October 5, 2008
Women who conceive accidentally on purpose
A growing number are intentionally becoming pregnant by men they don't expect to be involved. Is it feminism or folly?
Clover Stroud
Katya’s entire adult life has been characterised by driving ambition, which has seen her achieve a first-class degree in classics from Cambridge and a six-figure salary as a barrister. Now approaching 37, she hasn’t let singledom get in the way of her next goal: motherhood. And because she is accustomed to taking the initiative, she was less than careful when she had a two-week affair with Phil, her cousin’s friend, earlier this year. Of course, he wasn’t consulted about whether he wanted to become a father, but when a man sleeps with a woman without using contraception . . .
“Most men I’ve been out with have been pretty disappointing,” she says, one hand on her pregnant tummy. “I’m not making any demands on Phil, and I’m not expecting him to be involved. I’m financially independent, so I know I can give this baby an amazing life. I will be able to offer a more stable life than some of my girlfriends, who gave up their jobs a decade ago to have children, and who are now in failing marriages and have no independent income.”
Katya’s attitude might seem blunt, reducing it to nothing more than a biological transaction between herself and a suitable stud, but as a fiercely independent and financially secure woman, she is not alone. The news that the French justice minister, Rachida Dati, 42, is pregnant was greeted with feverish speculation about the identity of the father. Dati, meanwhile, has refused to name him, saying simply that her private life is “complicated”. “I’ve always said that having a child was fundamental to me,” was as far as she would go.
Minnie Driver has just become mother to a little boy, whose father she refuses to name; Geri Halliwell is bringing up Bluebell independent of the child’s scriptwriter father. Figures indicating the number of women who choose to have a baby this way don’t exist, of course, but fertility clinics report growing numbers of women choosing donor insemination (DI) as a form of conception. And then there is the overwhelming anecdotal evidence: we all know someone who has done it. For example, the 35-year-old record producer and mother of a three-year-old son, who dines out on the account of how she knocked herself up with the help of a turkey baster and a good-natured male friend, or the society girl who, at 38, was so desperate for a baby, she resorted to a quick fumble with the plumber.
Unsurprisingly, few women will admit to having actively stolen a man’s sperm. It’s still one of the last sexual taboos in an age when almost anything goes — sleep around as much as you like, but don’t do that.
“People have a real problem with the fact that I positively chose this course,” says Sarah, 35, a script editor. Her daughter is now five; she found herself pregnant as her relationship of three months was breaking up. “I have only spoken to my closest friends about this, because most people find it totally unacceptable. In the past, with other boyfriends, I had been much more careful, but I was in my early thirties and my biological clock was in overdrive. I really, really wanted a baby, and I didn’t have any time to waste. My daughter’s father was clever and good-looking, and I suppose it seemed safer to have an affair with him than a one-night stand. And it was cheaper and a lot more fun than doing it in a clinic.” He, perhaps understandably, was less than delighted to find out that he was going to be a father. “He put pressure on me not to have the baby, but for me, it wasn’t an accident,” she says.
There is something courageous about women who choose to have a baby via DI. It’s a decision they make alone, and you will find plenty of websites and support groups devoted to the subject. But it’s quite another matter when a girl finds herself pregnant but doesn’t get the support she might expect. Eddie Murphy and Steve Bing expressed disbelief at whether they were the fathers after Mel B and Elizabeth Hurley respectively announced their pregnancies. Faith, a music scout, has muddled through an arrangement with Sam, a sexy but struggling musician, who she was sleeping with on and off for nearly a year when she became pregnant. They were open with each other about the fact that it was not what Bing might have called an “exclusive relationship”, and although he initially didn’t want to have contact after she told him the news, he now sees his five-year-old daughter, Maya, “about once a month”. “I don’t feel guilty about having his baby,” says Faith. “He was happy enough to have a lot of sex with me without using a rubber, and as soon as I was pregnant, I told him that I wouldn’t expect anything from him financially. It is quite nice having the odd Saturday off when Sam takes Maya out, but I really wouldn’t want him to have much more access than that, and I think it suits us both. She’s my daughter.”
What about the children? For many, it’s not an ideal upbringing. Dan, 31, and his twin sister were born as a result of a fling between his mother and a young academic who she had decided would be perfect father material. She lost contact with him soon after she conceived. He doesn’t feel his life has been dramatically overshadowed, but “I resent the fact that, on a basic level, you don’t and can’t ever know half of your own background”, he says. “There’ll always be a void. In my case, do I have siblings? What about genetic diseases? Imagine not having an explanation for certain things you do, and not being able to find them, ever. At least with sperm donation or adoption you might be able to trace some answers. But when a woman decides to go it alone, she is ultimately trying to eliminate the father. What gives her the right to make that decision? It’s selfish, and I don’t see a difference between these women and the 16-year-old who has a baby because she wants someone to love her.”
However, when even eminent fertility expert points out that there is “a shortage of men in their thirties and forties who seem capable of real commitment”, what is a girl to do? Katya, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way: “I’m looking forward to bringing up my baby alone. Much better that than in a second-rate relationship,” she says. “And anyway, I’ve never relied on anyone else for anything in my life, so why should I start now?” As she marches down the street by herself, on her way to her next scan, the inevitable question hanging over her isn’t how long she should have gone on waiting for Mr Right, but whether she ever really wanted him in the first place.
. . . And the man who tried it
By the time I got to my late thirties, I’d had several long relationships that hadn’t resulted in marriage, and I became more and more concerned about my ability to have a child with a wife or girlfriend. Although men don’t have a traditional biological clock, we do have our own version of it, and I didn’t want to be a father at 50. So I decided to go to a surrogacy agency (Circle, in Boston). Most people’s reactions to my decision were positive, though some questioned whether a man has the same nurturing emotions as a woman. But you dismiss those people.
My son, Anthony, was born to a surrogate mother in Missouri on Boxing Day, 2003, and I took him home three days later. I took a couple of months off to care for him, then he went to nursery and I went back to work — like millions of other parents. I never really missed a woman being there, because you can’t miss something you never had. I just concentrated on bonding with my child. I didn’t start dating again straightaway, but when I did, I found women were impressed and, in some cases, attracted to a man capable of caring for a child on his own. Now I’m in a relationship, and Anthony loves having a mum. My girlfriend and I also have a three-month-old daughter, Catherine, and it’s wonderful. But before she came along, having a child with someone just wasn’t on the horizon, and if it hadn’t happened, I’d still have Anthony. If people out there are thinking about it as an option, they should know it’s a very real one. You need a very supportive family, employer and friends. But you need that if you are a woman, too.
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
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Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 4,532 |
Anonymous User
Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 |
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Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,073 |
Well, for now...but what happens when they lose their jobs, or have some health difficulties? YA! Welfare for them!!
Then you get into the whole STD thing, which doesn't seem to be of any concern to these women making babies with a guy they dated for 2 weeks. I mean, there's a lot of unwanted things you can pick up from unprotected sex beyond a baby.
I just think it's the height of selfishness to make a baby with the first able cocksman to come along, just because you WAAAAAAANNNT one without any other consideration. Its just as selfish as welfare breeding.
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
Then you get into the whole STD thing, which doesn't seem to be of any concern to these women making babies with a guy they dated for 2 weeks. I mean, there's a lot of unwanted things you can pick up from unprotected sex beyond a baby.
I just think it's the height of selfishness to make a baby with the first able cocksman to come along, just because you WAAAAAAANNNT one without any other consideration. Its just as selfish as welfare breeding.
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
Anonymous User
Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 |
Anonymous User
Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 |
Anonymous User
Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 |
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Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,073 |
As we all know, it's never about the child...it's always about the breeder. All a breeder wants to do is breed, they don't really care about the result...I mean, they do CARE if the result can get them one up on KLK's "Scale of Breeding Importance", but any results beyond that are not important.
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me
BratsNONONO
Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 |
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Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 27, 2008 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,431 |
There is NOTHING which makes a woman look more unbecoming and ridiculous than baby-rabies. They look, sound and act freakin insane. They're the first ones to complain about a man who can't keep his pants on, but they don't see what everyone else sees -- they're exactly the female equivalent of that.
But I'd rather they went about their dirty-uterus business with the means to pay their own way than expect others to do so.
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"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly
But I'd rather they went about their dirty-uterus business with the means to pay their own way than expect others to do so.
- - - - - - - -
"The death of creativity is a pram in the hallway"
- Cyril Connolly
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Re: Brain 'sploding fun... October 28, 2008 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,897 |
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