"Childless, Single, and Downright Terrified" (article & commentary)

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/29/single-childless-and-downright-terrified/?apage=3



"It’s tough to rely on one’s children and tough to care for a parent. But who cares for the single and/or childless people?" — Posted by Cathy.


"I’ve never married, have no children and, apart from my mother, do not have a close family. I have a “caretaker’’ personality, helping elderly neighbors, new parent neighbors, pet owner neighbors (and homeless pets), but there is no one to take care of me…. I am downright terrified." — Posted by EMC.


"Many of us who are unmarried and without children are wondering who is going to care for us when the time comes". — Posted by Kathleen.



"As a single childless woman, I share the fear of my readers, above, and no amount of financial preparation for a prolonged old age calms me. For sure, my long-term care insurance policy will buy me a home health aide and pay to retrofit my house if I’m able to remain here, or contribute to care in another setting. I have the luxury of savings and a mortgage that will be paid off by the time I’m 70. If I need a geriatric case manager, I’ll probably be able to afford one. I count my blessings. ( So what is she worried about?)



But, having witnessed the “new old age’’ from a front-row seat, I’m haunted by the knowledge that there is no one who will care about me in the deepest and most loving sense of the word at the end of my life. No one who will advocate for me, not simply for adequate care but for the small and arguably inessential things that can make life worth living even in compromised health.
( This is where friends, relatives, neighbors, etc...... come in handy, has she NO ONE in her life?)



My friend Esther has my health care proxy and will use it wisely, I know. But with a large family of her own, she cannot be my daily mainstay, as I was my mother’s (and she was hers). My friend Jill’s grown daughters have vowed, in their words, to “feed me creamed spinach’’ when the time comes. My reply: “You’ll only be able to do that, my darling girls, if your own parents don’t need you at the same time.”
( If she has money/insurance for home health care like she says, then there is no reason for "Esther's" kyds to have to feed her creamed anything in the unlikely event she can't feed herself one day. OR, she could call on the Duggars. God knows there are PLENTY of those little do gooders and they undoubtedly have a closet sized pantry FULL of cream of any kind of soup that she could ever wish to consume)



Another friend, Ann, shares my fantasy of setting up joint housekeeping, assuming she outlives her husband. Our thinking goes something like this: If one of us can see and the other hear, if one of us is mobile and the other cognitively intact, we’ll muddle through as long as we can and then pool our insurance premiums to hire home care. We’d prefer to use the benefit for a masseuse and a manicurist but know it would be a hard sell to persuade MetLife that those were the kinds of “activities of daily living” our policies cover.
(:yeah This is a great idea. Also, it sounds like she can afford someone to come in and give her a massage/manicure, I know a wheelchair bound stroke survivor who lives in an assisted living place and they have little shuttle busses that haul them to wherever they want to go)



"I’ve written before about pairs or small groups of unrelated women who are already doing this, some even constructing houses designed for their old age. But these arrangements, however cozy and comforting, exist outside the law, since friendship remains, and likely will always remain, an unsanctioned relationship with none of the legal rights granted to parents, children, spouses and, in some locations, domestic partners. Friends helping friends through illness or old age is a luxury of those who can afford to do it with no help from the government or their employers.
(I I am not positive, but I am pretty sure that she can give power of attorney to a friend if she needs them to make any decisions regarding her care and I believe that it can be drawn up in advance too. This FMLA needs to be revised as it is discriminatory and prohibitive as hell)



"All of this came to mind last month when I stumbled upon an essay in The Boston Globe by Rebecca Tuhus-Dubrow. She examines the “second class’’ status of friendship in “the American hierarchy of relationships’’ and describes a nascent movement to grant it legal status. The subject seems ripe for conversation at a time when more and more of us are approaching old age outside of nuclear families."
( I don't think that "friends" per se' should be granted legal familial status, but they can certainly be granted POA s or they can have just about any legal contract drawn up regarding their wishes such as in a will, living will which the friend can bring forward on their behalf, they can specify ahead of time that legally, this person has say so over everything, if necessary, should they become incapacitated, their names can be added to bank accounts, made so they can have "right of survivorship" status, or made beneficiaries. She could also retain an unbiased lawyer to act on her behalf, which might be an even better idea than the friend, all around)




These childLESS people who perpetuate the bingo, "Who will take care of us in our old age???", really piss me off.

Very sensible response to a rather overblown near-hysteria. There are all sorts of options available to an elderly person who owns their own home. I've heard of eldershare programs that match homeowners with those looking for a home. If the people are compatible, they gain companionship and halve their residence/utility/food bills, or even bills for a home health aide should one be needed.

As Kim said, my understanding also is that POA can be given to anyone, so that there will be someone supervising and in control if there's an illness or death.

Not to diminish the possibility of unforeseen illness, but there's a lot that can be done now to help ensure a healthy, happy old age, such as something as simple as taking a 45-minute walk or bike ride 3 times a week, caring for other things like a pet or garden (even a few pots on a balcony) that gives you a sense of worth and achievement, doing volunteer work, and staying mentally active even through something as small as crossword puzzles.

........and now some of the reader comments::inw



"...Those who have not raised children have, in a some ways, sown the seeds of their own troubles later in life.
One could argue that raising children (of course, including by adoption) is not only a blessing but a duty. Especially if you have the financial means to care for yourself at the end of life, this failure is all the more glaring. In the end of the day, bringing up the next generation with one’s lessons of experience, bringing a life into the world to enjoy all of the wonders that you’ve experienced, may be the single greatest contribution a person can make on this earth. Perhaps we should have limited sympathy for those who turned their back on this responsibility.... who now say: “But who will care for me?”



"This sounds like something Jerry Falwell or Ralph Reed might have said. Vindictive even. It could easily be reversed; Many parents sow the seeds of their own troubles early in life by having children that can barely be troubled to make a phone call to a parent, much less help take care of them later in life. Even children so inclined may be limited by their own difficulties, financial, familial and otherwise. We probably all know some parents that don’t feel particularly “blessed”......":beer





:Legal status for friendships? How completely ridiculous. Friendship will always be secondary to family, the nuclear family being the basic organizational unit of society. There are many people who opted not to have children because they didn’t want to make the sacrifices necessary to have a family. It’s obvious though that if you are unwilling to make sacrifices for family, then you will have no family to sacrifice for you when you need help. You can’t have it all":fmbl



"First of all, the idea that one should have children to ensure caregiving later in life is not only utterly absurd, but incredibly selfish. The fact that someone can reproduce doesn’t make her any more special than the “childfree” couple or individual next door. It makes her like most other organisms on earth- dogs, cats, cockroaches. Finally, maybe one of the reasons why our system is so ill-equipped to handle the aging population and sundry other needs is because there are already too many people inhabiting this earth. Just as it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world without the financial wherewithal to support her, it is equally irresponsible to burden this already overcrowded planet with another human being whose only contribution may be just another carbon footprint.":yeah



"We need a “single & childless tax” imposed on single childless people to pay for their care when they retire from their state jobs."



"Excuse me, but we already have that: It’s called the child tax credit. And unless you’re not claiming it on your IRS form each year, I and other childless people like me are effectively paying your taxes. And the thanks we get is an insulting comment like that?
By the way, I fully expect to be able to pay for my own care, and have planned for it. But if I were unable to, I would think that subsidizing MY end-of-life care through YOUR taxes is the least you could do as repayment for all the extra taxes I’ve paid on your behalf through the years. Your entitlement attitude appalls me.:inw



"Let me get this straight. People who were too selfish to marry and have kids, now want laws changed for their benefit.
I guess you never did outgrow your selfishness."


"Better than taxing the childless would be raising their SS reitrement age to 80. After all, not only have they abdicated their primary responsibility to the country and even to nature, they’ve also failed to make the most important SS contribtuion of all which is new taxapyers. Not to mention they’ve had much more opportunity to amass savings (and take great vacations, and buy bigger houses, and spoil themselves generally) than those of us who have struggled along on one income while paying for food, braces, college, etc. I’m sorryfor those who are childless through no fault of their own, but this does NOT include people who didn’t start trying for conception until past their biological prime. It outrages me that now me and my children will have to pay higher taxes to support these selfish, thoughtless people in their old age"

Not to mention they’ve had much more opportunity to amass savings (and take great vacations, and buy bigger houses, and spoil themselves generally

Whoopsie, their jealousy is showing!

I love the way the term "selfish" is bandied around. It reminds me that the people I think of as "selfish" are those who have and won't share something that I WANT!

Oh, pity for these poor parents who didn't think things through quite enough so as to be able to have the life that the CF enjoy. The life that they want. Oopsie, little too late for them, rats.

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clematis
Not to mention they’ve had much more opportunity to amass savings (and take great vacations, and buy bigger houses, and spoil themselves generally

Whoopsie, their jealousy is showing!

I love the way the term "selfish" is bandied around. It reminds me that the people I think of as "selfish" are those who have and won't share something that I WANT!

Oh, pity for these poor parents who didn't think things through quite enough so as to be able to have the life that the CF enjoy. The life that they want. Oopsie, little too late for them, rats.

LOLlarious I was thinking the same thing. In that man's brief comment, here's how I perceived what he was saying:





:sam" Better than taxing the childless would be raising their SS reitrement age to 80." (Right here, in his first sentence, I am thinking, THIS man is angry and thinks that CF need to be punished, so I read on to see if he would tell us why. I am also thinking, mmmmm, Our paying in kiddie taxes for HIS kyds for 40 years plus must not be enough. HE wants to squeeze 15 more years out of us. )




".... After all, not only have they abdicated their primary responsibility to the country and even to nature, they’ve also failed to make the most important SS contribtuion of all which is new taxapyers....." (Yeah, "after all", as in ALL WE HAVE PAID IN already, jeeeez. In his mind we have: 1) Let our country down, so of course REGARDLESS of our patriotism or years of service in The Armed Forces, not having had children basically makes us traitors. 2) We have let NATURE down too. Birds will no longer fly, bees can no longer sting, and flowers will wither and die because we didn't have children. 3)First he said our "primary" responsibilty, which we shirked, was to our county, but THEN he said that we "failed to make the most important contribution" by not producing new taxpayers to fund social security.)



":1wv..... Not to mention they’ve had much more opportunity to amass savings (and take great vacations, and buy bigger houses, and spoil themselves generally) than those of us who have struggled along on one income while paying for food, braces, college, etc........:bawl."
(The ugly truth rears it's monstrous head, the man is simply jealous. MY GOD that's funny. NO ONE made him "struggle" and why did he only have the one income, was his wife too lazy to work? If so, I hope he had enough kyds to make up for the fact that SHE didn't pay HER share of SS taxes. This man REALLY makes a lot of sterotypical assumptions too, what an asshole.)



"...I’m sorry for those who are childless through no fault of their own, ......" (AAaaaawwwwwww, he's sorry if it wasn't someone's "fault". That beats all I have ever heard in my life. HE feels that he alone gets to decide who is worthy and who isn't and he has his own fucking little rule book and secret handshake club. I would wage a month's income that he is a Southern Baptist.)



" but this does NOT include people who didn’t start trying for conception until past their biological prime......."
(Oh, NOW he wants to be judge, jury, and executioner, and determine not only IF people should sprog, but WHEN they can self replicate. Does it just upset him if they "try" late in life and fail I wonder, or does he cut them a break if they manage to sprog? Does it anger him if they delayed creating a little tax payer and that was money lost somehow, I wonder? This man is a REAL peice of work. He has got to be one of those Gideon Bible men, I would bet my life on it. )



"It outrages me that now me and my children will have to pay higher taxes to support these selfish, thoughtless people in their old age"
(Well NOW you may understand why CF feel outraged at the higher taxes that we pay NOW so that you can sprog a little taxpayer :sx to wipe your fat ass and pendulous ball sacs when YOU are old. CF don't desire to have anyone other than a paid third party medical professional to do such undignified things for us when we get old, unlike the childed who have no shame and no compassion for the very children who they claim to "love to pieces". If anyone is lacking thought, it's breeders when they PREMEDITATE creating nursemaids for their golden years. What a bunch of selfish and worthless assholes and I feel sorry for their kyds. What a legacy, being born to change their dad's shitty diaper and their mom's no doubt pissed on underpants. EEEEWWW.)

These "who will take care of when you're old" bingoes crack me up every time. During my formative years my mother was an RN in a nursing home. I'll never forget overhearing her telling my father how she would find deceased residents while doing her daily rounds, or the things that I saw first hand the few times I went in with her to pick up a paycheck or whatever. Even though I was a shy little sproglina she would MAKE me spend a minute or two talking to the old ladies who wanted to pay attention to me; after all, she said, "BE NICE! Many of them are lonely and never get any visitors." Since all of these people were of childbearing age before the pill and other methods of birth control had been invented, I have a really hard time believeing that NONE of them had any children. And where were all of these children, the ones who were supposed to take care of their parents in their old age? Well, it seems to me that they were busy pawning off their parents onto people like my mother. I'll NEVER forget how sad that place was, and I was all of 13 years old by the time my mother stopped working there. It made a deep, deep impression on me.

I'm just waiting for the day someone tries the old age bingo on me.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"Not every ejaculation deserves a name" - George Carlin

My DH and I may be having to make the decision soon about his parents. Both are in very bad shape; MIL has Alzheimers and osteoporosis, and FIL fell down in their apartment three months ago. DH is the closest geographically of their four sons, but we live over 450 miles away. The problem: his parents will likely need to move to a nursing home this year. The question is, where? Oy, I wonder if we will be able to handle it if the in-laws decide to move near us. We love them dearly, but neither of us wants to be responsible for their upkeep. And I feel like a shit for even thinking that way...to me, living to an old age isn't necessarily a blessing. If my mind gives out on me, I'd rather go sooner instead of later. My brothers-in-law aren't really jumping for joy over the prospect of Mom and Pop moving near them, either.

My point? As many of you have said already, having kyds is absolutely no guarantee that someone will "take care of" you in your old age.

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LoveToLurk
These "who will take care of when you're old" bingoes crack me up every time. During my formative years my mother was an RN in a nursing home. I'll never forget overhearing her telling my father how she would find deceased residents while doing her daily rounds, or the things that I saw first hand the few times I went in with her to pick up a paycheck or whatever. Even though I was a shy little sproglina she would MAKE me spend a minute or two talking to the old ladies who wanted to pay attention to me; after all, she said, "BE NICE! Many of them are lonely and never get any visitors." Since all of these people were of childbearing age before the pill and other methods of birth control had been invented, I have a really hard time believeing that NONE of them had any children. And where were all of these children, the ones who were supposed to take care of their parents in their old age? Well, it seems to me that they were busy pawning off their parents onto people like my mother. I'll NEVER forget how sad that place was, and I was all of 13 years old by the time my mother stopped working there. It made a deep, deep impression on me.

I'm just waiting for the day someone tries the old age bingo on me.

I had a similar experience, so I know what you mean. Every other Sunday afternoon I went along with one of my church deacons to play the hymns and lead the singing at an outreach church service for a Masonic nursing home. I was between the ages of about 11 or 12 until I was 16 or so and the interaction with those old people made a deep impression on me and I am quite certain that it got filed away in my brain for later use regarding, "Who will take care of you when you are old"?, There were about 50 or so regulars who attended the service and afterwards, while the deacon milled around and "visited" with the few men who lived there, those lonely old women would talk my ears off as if I was the only outside human contact that they had seen in years. A few would take me into their rooms and tell me about all of their pictures that they had sitting about of their famblees. EVERY SINGLE ONE of those ladies had living children AND grandchildren except for one and her only child had died in an accident in her twenties and just probably hadn't had time to sprog. NO ONE ever came to visit most of them except maybe for Christmas, with few exceptions. There were 2 or 3 who had pretty regular visitors, but everybody was jealous of them and it showed.


One old woman just basically waited outside on a bench on Sunday afternoons for hours on end hoping that her son and grandchildren would either pick her up for a visit or come by there and visit, but they never came. Sometimes she would have a suitcase packed because they had promised (she thought) to come get her for a few days, it was sad. I began to believe that she didn't really have a famblee until ONE TIME, in the 4-5 years I was there, I actually saw them drive up, kyds in tow, and actually come by for a visit, so they DID exist. Some might say well, "They must have been AWFUL mothers", and maybe some were, but ALL of them? Some may say, "maybe their kyds don't live nearby". Maybe some don't, so then WHY stick them in a home that is too far away for a visit when there are Masonic homes all over the country? None of that was forgotten by me and it made a lasting impression. I couldn't help but notice the rivalry and envy those women had among themselves regarding their kyds or grandkyds visiting either. The ones who did get visitors gloated about it and a group (old lady clique I guess) would laugh behind the back of the old lady who waited on the bench for her MIA famblee every week, especially hateful (I thought) for ladies who just got done praying.


I guess that the rivalry, trumping, and envy just carries over into old age for these type women and watching how they behaved put a really sour taste in my mouth early on for breeders. I just didn't know what they were yet, but I didn't like their attitude nor did I like their pitiful situation. It was sad more than anything and I remember thinking that I would rather have NO children and possibly "be alone", than to have a house full who lived a mile away and BY CHOICE and for no good reason, they never came by to see me or took me to their home for the weekend. NO THANKS.

"Who will care for you when you're old?"

Some low paid, resentful, CNA who was probably coddled by it's parents and is now hopped up on a variety of psychotropic drugs to keep it from going ballistic because in real life you aren't entitled to squat, but it was raised as Prince(ss) of Shit Mountain. I'm guessing this will be the case for most people wether or not they've had children.

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

All of this assuming we do not inherit a scenario like 'Logans Run' which I think is almost an inevitablity given we will NOT curtail breeding in anyway shape or form.
The clowns who decreed the constitution as a 'living document' changing to meet the times could easily interpret it to allow such a nightmare as enforced elder euthanasia. It could conceivably be enforced when the elderly persons money runs out totally but I think once this is allowed, it would be not a far jump for govt to confiscate an elderly persons money (to give to breeders) and then execute the elderly because they now have no money.

two cents ¢¢

CERTIFIED HOSEHEAD!!!

people (especially women) do not give ONE DAMN about what they inflict on children and I defy anyone to prove me wrong

Dysfunctional relationships almost always have a child. The more dysfunctional, the more children.

The selfish wants of adults outweigh the needs of the child.

Some mistakes cannot be fixed, but some mistakes can be 'fixed'.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. Leo J. Burke

Adoption agencies have strict criteria (usually). Breeders, whose combined IQ's would barely hit triple digits, have none.

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married with rabbits
My husband dropped out of college to care for his grandfather after he had a stroke. Why? Because my husband's aunts were desperate to get their beloved father in a nursing home ASAP. The man was still functioning somewhat, but wasn't being challenged, properly cared for, and wasn't even allowed to wheel himself to the bathroom. They put diapers on him when he wasn't incontinent! By the way, Popop had 5 kids, all still functional at the time of his stroke. My MIL cared for her father part of the time (since she moved in with my husband and her father) while my man and I dated. But then she went on to take out 5 credit cards in his name, etc.

Right now my husband's step cousin has just taken her aunt in from a nursing home. Her aunt is 50 and just suffered a stroke. The step cousin is a single mom of 4 kids and she is now taking care of her aunt. By the way, the aunt we are speaking of has 3-4 siblings of her own.

Children, like any investment, can plummet. And they often do.

Often, it is not the adult children who care for their parents. My mother took the FMLA for time off from work to care for her dying aunt who was really not that grateful to her. Sure, my mom got some money via inheritance but her couson - her aunt's only child - got the rest of it. Cousin Harry only came out once before his mother died and then right after to get his loot. His son made a stink over some of the moneys my mom got by paying herself from her aunt's checking account since the State of California would not give caregivers around the clock. H-ll yeah...my mother was right to get some sort of compensation! She left her home, husband, and job for SIX MONTHS to take care of this woman until she died. My mom was not getting a paycheque from her job during her leave-of-absence. Bills still had to get paid! My great-aunt's son should have been the one taking care of his mother rather than being a drunk and thinking it acceptable for a cousin to do it. I sure as h*ll would not take care of someone else's parent especially that horrible b!tch of a great-aunt. Karma met Cousin Harry. He drank up the $150,000K inheritance and died alone.

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Feh
"Who will care for you when you're old?"

Some low paid, resentful, CNA who was probably coddled by it's parents and is now hopped up on a variety of psychotropic drugs to keep it from going ballistic because in real life you aren't entitled to squat, but it was raised as Prince(ss) of Shit Mountain. I'm guessing this will be the case for most people wether or not they've had children.

Nope. It will be a decently-paid CNA from Kenya or Ghana who has to give most of their paycheck to the racketeer who sponsors their work visa. Since living and working in the US is not all that is was cracked-up to be, they will be resentful and form their own power-tripping hierarchy which in turn causes them to do as little as possible for the patients while taking every opportunity to steal linens and talk on their cell phones because the supervising LPN's are too worried about being accused of racist discrimination to make them move their fat asses any faster and get the work DONE.

It costs $650 for a 3-week course to become a CNA. (My DH is going to take it this winter or spring; I was thinking of doing it if I ever get laid off from my job).

Scary, scary future.

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"I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell"

:eatu

I'm actually pinning my elder care hopes on a handsome prison warden. They provide food AND clothing in those facilities.
Who says you can't go out with a bang?

"It truly is the one commonality that every designation of humans you can think of has, there's at least one asshole."
--Me

I feel sad.

It's like the REAL reason we have kids is because we get old and die all the time.:eh??

I'm shocked at the short-sightedness of the comments.

My GF always wanted 5 kids, but she has 0 because she never found Mr. Right and never got marrried. Is SHE selfish, not honoring her DUTY to have kids in these stupid people's minds?

Should we all just marry anyone to reproduce b/c it is our duty? or to appear less selfish in our and other people's minds? How fucking dumb.

The ones who did get visitors gloated about it and a group (old lady clique I guess) would laugh behind the back of the old lady who waited on the bench for her MIA famblee every week, especially hateful (I thought) for ladies who just got done praying.

That's lovely, and 50 cents says the poor woman knew about it. This is one reason I tend to avoid groups of people in general...the natural human vileness seems to grow exponentially in groups.