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Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board...
Posted by Seacreature
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Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
...I used to haunt, until I got bored with all the breeders and blended family messes that all started to sound the same after awhile. Today I spied the topic, Childless by Choice - Still a woman?
OKay...most of you already know my story: Married 6mnths, no kids, gonna be 37 this yr, DH needs a new full-time job, I have a good, flexible job, we live within our means but we have no savings or investments to speak of. We were going to start trying to get preggies within the next year or so. But In short, although the time is "running out" for me to have kids, we are not in a financial position to do so. (Yes, I know you can never be 100% financially prepared but there is a minimum.)
So the question is - suppose we decided not to have kids? What are the pros and cons? Note: My DH has already stated he would be fine with this. So Im trying to figure out me.Im realizing that Ive never analyzed whether I reeaalllly wanted to have them. Do I think I do because of what I grew up with vs. what I really believe and want for myself. Chica was right in another thread that I havent taken actions in my life to show that getting pregnant was ever a priority for me, but again was that due to that I really dont want them, or I jwas waiting for marriage to start thinking it thru...and marriage took longer than I expected? Whichever way, I dont want to end up regretting that decision at age 46 when it cant be changed either way.
And what does this say about my womanhood? Isnt the ability to have children the gift of being a woman? And would I therefore be giving up part of my womanhood not to? At this point, not having kids might be the best thing for both us and our unborn kids. At my age, there's an ever increasing risk of giving birth to a child with disabilities, and even if born healthy, we will be older parents and not as agile as younger ones. Having not created the proper foundation we could all suffer from stretched resources. On the other hand, not having kids would allow us to pursue all the other hopes and dreams we have of extensively travelling the world, something that would definitely have to be put off until the kids were old enough, at which point we would be too old, or financially depleted.
I need you guys' help to ask me the hard questions and help me think this through.
She's 37? No shit? She sounds a little more like 25. They gave some pretty okay advice, there are even a couple of childfree breeder pleasers on there.
I liked this answer the best, You still have a vagina? You're still a woman. Adopt if you need too at some point. Any imbecile can pop out a kid, but being a true mother takes something special.
Then we have this soppy bullshit... I feel like my life really didn't start until my first son was born. The core of me hadn't been tapped. It couldn't. But I didn't realize that until after his birth. Having children can really break you down to the basics, can really make you analyze and define what is truly important to you. At least that was my experience. I am an infinitely stronger, wiser, better person for becoming a mother.
And what the fuck does THIS shit mean? all it means that is that your energy, time, assets, and abilities are to be utilized more to your own professional and personal "advancement'.
the reason you're asking this question is because the roles you've held - have always served to be your guideline for obligations and options.
Being someone's wife, someone's daughter, somenoe's employee, someone's friend --every title you've held has told you to what to do, what not to do, what you should do, and what you might have as an opportunity.
You haven't been 'you"- without a title behind your name, you're nobody - so you can't imagine what you'll do with those resources of time/energy that you haven't learned to manage as commodities - or put use so that you expand your horizons and definition of "self'
Sorry, kinda long...I'm a little bored.
OKay...most of you already know my story: Married 6mnths, no kids, gonna be 37 this yr, DH needs a new full-time job, I have a good, flexible job, we live within our means but we have no savings or investments to speak of. We were going to start trying to get preggies within the next year or so. But In short, although the time is "running out" for me to have kids, we are not in a financial position to do so. (Yes, I know you can never be 100% financially prepared but there is a minimum.)
So the question is - suppose we decided not to have kids? What are the pros and cons? Note: My DH has already stated he would be fine with this. So Im trying to figure out me.Im realizing that Ive never analyzed whether I reeaalllly wanted to have them. Do I think I do because of what I grew up with vs. what I really believe and want for myself. Chica was right in another thread that I havent taken actions in my life to show that getting pregnant was ever a priority for me, but again was that due to that I really dont want them, or I jwas waiting for marriage to start thinking it thru...and marriage took longer than I expected? Whichever way, I dont want to end up regretting that decision at age 46 when it cant be changed either way.
And what does this say about my womanhood? Isnt the ability to have children the gift of being a woman? And would I therefore be giving up part of my womanhood not to? At this point, not having kids might be the best thing for both us and our unborn kids. At my age, there's an ever increasing risk of giving birth to a child with disabilities, and even if born healthy, we will be older parents and not as agile as younger ones. Having not created the proper foundation we could all suffer from stretched resources. On the other hand, not having kids would allow us to pursue all the other hopes and dreams we have of extensively travelling the world, something that would definitely have to be put off until the kids were old enough, at which point we would be too old, or financially depleted.
I need you guys' help to ask me the hard questions and help me think this through.
She's 37? No shit? She sounds a little more like 25. They gave some pretty okay advice, there are even a couple of childfree breeder pleasers on there.
I liked this answer the best, You still have a vagina? You're still a woman. Adopt if you need too at some point. Any imbecile can pop out a kid, but being a true mother takes something special.
Then we have this soppy bullshit... I feel like my life really didn't start until my first son was born. The core of me hadn't been tapped. It couldn't. But I didn't realize that until after his birth. Having children can really break you down to the basics, can really make you analyze and define what is truly important to you. At least that was my experience. I am an infinitely stronger, wiser, better person for becoming a mother.
And what the fuck does THIS shit mean? all it means that is that your energy, time, assets, and abilities are to be utilized more to your own professional and personal "advancement'.
the reason you're asking this question is because the roles you've held - have always served to be your guideline for obligations and options.
Being someone's wife, someone's daughter, somenoe's employee, someone's friend --every title you've held has told you to what to do, what not to do, what you should do, and what you might have as an opportunity.
You haven't been 'you"- without a title behind your name, you're nobody - so you can't imagine what you'll do with those resources of time/energy that you haven't learned to manage as commodities - or put use so that you expand your horizons and definition of "self'
Sorry, kinda long...I'm a little bored.
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 16 years ago Posts: 2,348 |
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
HAHAHA! Nice, Banshee...
I just noticed this, "Adopt if you need too ..." What in the holy FUCK is it with people who cannot distinguish between the 'to's? Why do so many of them use 'too' as in, "Going too the market." or "I need too pee." Ah, but we've discussed the rampant bad grammar on other message boards before. Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar freak. Carry on...
I just noticed this, "Adopt if you need too ..." What in the holy FUCK is it with people who cannot distinguish between the 'to's? Why do so many of them use 'too' as in, "Going too the market." or "I need too pee." Ah, but we've discussed the rampant bad grammar on other message boards before. Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar freak. Carry on...
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 4,532 |
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 19 years ago Posts: 4,402 |
whatever we tell her to do we will be wrong. so choose a path
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I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii
Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.â€
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein
*********************************************************************************************************************************
I just post the stories, for interest.. for everyone
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene ii
Voltaire said: "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
H.L.Mencken wrote:"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.â€
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,897 |
These dumb twats HAVE to make things complicated and convoluted with all their psycho-babble and trendy terminology because it gives them something think about OTHER THAN the fact that their bodies have gone to shit and their lives are a living hell. The fancy words are like smoke and mirrors.
If having a kid makes you stronger, wiser, better, more of a woman, what have you, then you've had no place breeding from the get-go. You should have been sterilized at birth. If you aren't 100% in your own skin the way you are, and feel that having a kid would make you 100%, you are truly a fucked up individual. Giving birth, changing diapers, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, gentle discipline, playground logic - all of those things do nothing for you. They just keep you busy so you don't realize how empty your life really is.
And this shit of "I didn't realize what was important until my son was born" is a crock. No honey, its more like "I've now got this kid and have no time for anything else." You didn't realize shit, the choice was made for you. That's why we CF'ers are labeled "selfish."
Me, selfish? You're damned right.
If having a kid makes you stronger, wiser, better, more of a woman, what have you, then you've had no place breeding from the get-go. You should have been sterilized at birth. If you aren't 100% in your own skin the way you are, and feel that having a kid would make you 100%, you are truly a fucked up individual. Giving birth, changing diapers, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, gentle discipline, playground logic - all of those things do nothing for you. They just keep you busy so you don't realize how empty your life really is.
And this shit of "I didn't realize what was important until my son was born" is a crock. No honey, its more like "I've now got this kid and have no time for anything else." You didn't realize shit, the choice was made for you. That's why we CF'ers are labeled "selfish."
Me, selfish? You're damned right.
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
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If you aren't 100% in your own skin the way you are, and feel that having a kid would make you 100%, you are truly a fucked up individual.
Heehee...nicely put. The whole, "You'll never know until you do it" mentality is SO fucking LAME. There was one who basically said, "Kids are hard work, thankless, blah blah... There's nothing wrong with not being a mother, yadda yadda...If you don't have a 'burning desire' like I did, don't do it. Get a vasectomy and a kitten." Pretty good advice, except for the kitten part. That bugged me.
DrDanCorelli
Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 05, 2009 |
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 06, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
Well, she may be a fencesitter, but she's got the right idea. Look at this response:
That little quote in the middle is from some guy who explained his situation as his ex getting preggo on purpose. They were just dating at the time and she did it so he'd marry her. The usual crap. He's 'bitter' about that, but of course, "loves his sons and would not trade them for the world." Gawd I'm tired of that fucking line.
Anyway, just so long as the OP doesn't give in to pressures from family and friends. She seems a little weak willed. I have a feeling she'll be knocked up by 39.
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Its because I realize that at age 50, I wont be able to change my mind, that Im trying to analyze my true feelings -and my spouses - on this matter starting now. We were not planning on getting pregnant right now....rather, we would start trying 6 months from now (1 yr anniversary) He is ambivalent though, and since Ive really started ananlyzing our position and how much it could change -or not - in the next 6 mths, I realize we need at least another yr on top of that, giving us time to prepare some more financially and emtionally etc. So Ive got 1 1/2 yrs. Is that still a short time? I dont think so...but in any case it''ll have to do: I know for sure I dont want to bring a challenged child into the world, and odds 1/109 at age 40 -which I will be -down from 1/35,000 sounds reeaaaaallly scary. Very scary.Quote
Part of wanting children is wanting to have a legacy. Children preserve a part of you for another generation. Part of wanting children is the natural tendency to do what our parents did. Our parents had children and a family. Part of wanting children is inborn in people, but this desire varies. Some women have a strong desire and others have little.
On the other hand, children will give you successes to revel in and failures to get past. You get to help them avoid the mistakes you made.
While I would think there's nothing quite like having a little person who "looks like we do" and is "blood of my blood" and so on - a lot of what you say here can be achieved by being involved in the lives of kids - not necessarrily biologically my own. I do have a desire to nurture people - reason with them - and witness them growing and improving...but I dont get all warm and fuzzy by thinking about actually being pregnant, the actual delivery, and then the sleepness nights in young childhood etc.
Its a huge decision - as far as I know, I'll be the first person in my extended family to deliberately not have kids. I agree with you that for a lot of people having kids is part of a desire to do what our parent did - but I dont think thats necessarily good. Theyve got to want it for themselves - not just tradition. Thats probably why we have a lot of unhappy parents and failing marriages. Actually I feel blessed that Ive had this chance to realize it IS a choice, not an obligation...and that Ive had you guys to help me analyse my feelings on that choice. Now I need to find to the courage to be....ME.
That little quote in the middle is from some guy who explained his situation as his ex getting preggo on purpose. They were just dating at the time and she did it so he'd marry her. The usual crap. He's 'bitter' about that, but of course, "loves his sons and would not trade them for the world." Gawd I'm tired of that fucking line.
Anyway, just so long as the OP doesn't give in to pressures from family and friends. She seems a little weak willed. I have a feeling she'll be knocked up by 39.
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 06, 2009 | Registered: 17 years ago Posts: 3,073 |
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Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 06, 2009 | Registered: 15 years ago Posts: 1,269 |
larious|
Re: Some tidbits from the MSN Lifestyle board... February 06, 2009 | Registered: 18 years ago Posts: 9,979 |
Odds are she'll regret her choice either way if she keeps listening to the board hens and doesn't think for herself.
It sounds like her life is going okay right now, so why throw a monkey wrench into the works? The OP seems to be the breadwinner in the house, so what happens when she has to take calving leave? Can three people live on her husband's seemingly irregular income?
It sounds like her life is going okay right now, so why throw a monkey wrench into the works? The OP seems to be the breadwinner in the house, so what happens when she has to take calving leave? Can three people live on her husband's seemingly irregular income?
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